I don't know what I'm gonna do

 at this rate, I'll ever be thin.. but I just can't accept that. I cannot accept this body and I refuse to, I'm so uncomfortable and unhappy and I can't shoot for my goals with the way my body is right now

but I just can't restrict and I don't know why. why is it so hard? why does fasting make me bored and depressed? why does restriction never feel satisfying enough, why is healthy eating so confusing?

why am I constantly tormented by cravings that mean absolutely nothing and provide no nourishment for my body?

why can't I just be motivated at the sheer sight of my body alone? why does it take all my mental strength AND a drug to just eat less than 1,200 cals in one day???

what happened since November? why can't I restrict and fast on command anymore? I was doing so good.. I lost so much weight in such a short time and was so happy and hopeful. I could plan cheat days with the comfortable knowledge I'd get back on track right after, and I was sure I would get thin soon.

 and then it just stopped. the self-control disappeared and I had to resort to taking ephedrine just to make restricting easier. 

A small, very tiny part of me wishes it didn't happened. Because before that, I would go thru tiny periods of restriction and then stop caring almost completely, eating almost as if I was a normal person. that bout of motivation gave me too much hope, and now I'm constantly tormented by the thought of food 24/7. I can't just "eat whatever" cuz I'm scared of gaining and uncomfortable, but I'm too weak to restrict

I wish I had anorexia, I rlly do, I can't stand this fucking body.

why is it like this? why does the mere knowledge that I will always remain fat, and the awareness of my body and sheer insecurity not kick me into high gear to STOP FUCKING EATING?! Why is it so hard???

I want to forget about food, I don't wanna over-eat or think abt restricting anymore. I don't wanna get on the scale and see the same big number again and lose to the same point only to fuck up and gain back the same 5 lbs over and over again. I just wanna be put in a coma and woken up 6 months later. I want my jaw wired shut for a month. I want someone to lock me up and starve me for months. I wanna not care abt food. I wanna be one of those naturally skinny people who see eating as a chore. I wanna never eat again..

but I can't. idk if I ever will, I refuse to say I won't because I refuse to accept the idea I'll never be thin.

I'm gonna try to stick to 1,200 cals tomorrow, it always comes back to this - hoping I don't fail, and if I don't, setting off a short journey of 3 days at most before another failure..

I'm doomed to repeat this cycle until something or someone clicks.