sept. 1 - sept. 15 ~ sept. 25

 sept. 1 - semi-banana mono diet *no vyvanse*

- popsicle

- pb & banana toast

- apple

- banana

- grapes

- salmon(?) [i didn't write it down in time, but i remember i was trying to eat healthy until i caved],

*got high*

- daves hot chicken

- another banana?

- heineken(?)

sept.2 *vyvanse day*

got high i think

- 

-

-

- rice & stew + chicken

- 2 cups of wine

- probs a pb&j

- campari + lemon juice (yuck!!!! - but it did finally get me drunk)

/

[nectarine either on 2nd or 3rd]

/

sept. 3 *no vyvanse day - or at least i think i took no vyvanse*

- burnt shrimp fried rice (ate nothing for hours afterwards)

-

- panda express meal (took hours to eat, until i finally retrieved teriyaki sauce): teriyaki chicken, chow main, fried rice (small halved portions from plate)

- pb&j(?)

sept. 4 *vyvanse day*

- tonkotsu ramen (took hours to finish stew)

-

- 

*after high kicks in*

- apple

- remaining carne asada fries

- salmon

- pb&j

- dairy queen cookies n cream (first time trying)

- sips of atkins shake

- 2x stella rosa, sip of vodka

sept. 5 - atomic habits round 3907545

habits: no food after 8:30 pm, no screenshotting between 2pm - 5pm, 30 seconds workout and 30 seconds reading

- strawberries slice samples, other fruit like nectarine samples

- pupusa + mild sauce

- green plum

- pepper soup + rice

- pb&j

- burger @ around 8:30-8:40 (forgot abt atomic fasts, started fast  9:05 pm)

- spoons of pb & atkins shake to stave off cravings during "fast"

sept. 6

- 2 ferrero rocher, hot cheeto fries

- egg, 2 waffles w/ ketchup, meat

*vyvanse kicks in*

- [hrs later] leftover rice & chicken from dad

- pb&j

*fast start @ 9:35 pm*

- passion fruit juice + waterfall of minute maid

-

sept. 14 - vyvanse partial/dissolve plan

-

- metamucil + atkins shake

-

-

late after-dinner dinner: noodles, steak (hard to chew)

exercise: walk, crunches

sept. 15 - vyvanse dissolve day 2

- remaining vyvanse water + literal shot of coffee lolz

lunch: lean cuisine rigatoni, apple(like an hour later?) (430 cals)

snack: x

dinner: raising canes chicken 2pc + a few fries w/ sauce + pineapple cup (~500 cals)

extra: tortilla chips + salsa, pineaple cup juice, pb&j @ around 11:30-12am (130 + 60 + 240 [estimated])

total: ~1,360/800 (worth noting i didn't take a full 30 mg today)

exercise: walk, pacing

sept. 16 - vyvanse dissolve day 3

weight: 194.0 (or .8? or .4? .6? don't remember)

lunch: lean cuisine(finished hours later after interview), apple

snack: x 

dinner: drumstick(280), grapes... ( cals)

extra: waterfalls of stella rosa, oreo protein bar sample @ costco, post-9pm: 2 taquitos(250), peach, tangerine, .... post 11:30pm: veggie straws (100), ice cream sandwich (160) tiny piece of gum, 2 tortilla chips - 2am

total: ~1,190-1,300 1.400 ~1,660-1,800/800

exercise: mini-walk, pacing

sept. 17 - day 4

lunch: french bread pizza (390) + fruit tea and sip of medium sip of coffee w/ creamer

snack: x (technically the doritos)

dinner: was supposed to be fish grill but didn't have the appetite yet | diet coke

extra: doritos(150), 3-4 fries, drumstick(280), bite of rice & shrimp

total: 820(known)~1,000/800

sept. 18 - day 5

weight: 192.2

lunch: remaining cali fish grill

snack: —

dinner: —

extra: ice cream sandwich, small portion of dad’s yoshinoya [proceeded to fall asleep for like 2 hours after this😴💤],  wine + twister + drop of coke, bites of dry rotisserie chicken, salmon, cookie crumbled ice cream bar, eggnog alcohol, denny’s: cookie sough pie + ice cream (was going a little mad from mild cravings thanks to my cross-fadedness, tried to stay in deficit but gave in + didn’t finish vyvanse water)

total: 2,000+(like i said, getting high would set me off track)/800

* got high & drunk today, high around noon with a joint that i only smoked a little of in the morning and even less the other remaining 2x, post 8pm then post 11pm

sept 19 - day 5(continuance)

weight: not doing it lol

goal is to stay under 600 all day

lunch: large cup of coffee to drink throughout day

snack: vyvanse water

dinner:

total: /800

aug. 1 - aug. 15 ~ aug. 31

aug. 1

*friend party*

- sips of coffee

- pina colada

- doritos

- several cookies

- mimosa drink

- hawaiian bbq: rice, mac&cheese, chicken katsu, fish?, etc

- smore + marshmallows

- fruit: pineapple

- 2 halves of different edibles

aug. 2

- doritos, cookie, marshmallows

-

-

aug. 3

*fast - failed*

morning walk w parents

2 taco bell chicken quesadillas

~fast start + vyvanse~

- metamucil

- pb & j

- half a pb&j

aug. 4

- abt 4 pcs of popcorn shrimp

- sbux: matcha latte recipe (suppressed appetite a decent amt)

- tams: burger, fries w/ ketchup (took hours to eat and finish due to appetite ^)

- vodka + caprisun

- 1 shrimp tempura

aug. 5

- coffee w/ creamer

- 2 pineapple spears

- banana

- remaining popcorn shrimp w/ ketchup

- 1 chicken wing

- full(?) bowl of cheerios w/ carnation milk (2 servings so maybe a bowl and 1/4)

- fortune cookie @ 2 am

exercise: ab workout in bed, evening walk

aug.6 

- pb&j sandwich, 2 shrimp tempura w/ ketchup & soy sauce

- apple

~*after library*~

- chicken wing, 1/2 ham sandwich, pineapple cup, pasta w/ low amt of stew

- another shrimp tempura piece w/ soy sauce, ice cream cone, rocky road ice cream (small portion)

- alfredo pasta

lotus cookies: 5 | 1 1 1 1    1 1 1 1  calories: 

+ whole gummy total throughout day: 1/4 at around 2:30-3ish, 1/4 after library, other half melted with hot water + half a white claw

- 3 more shrimp tempura w/ ketchup, bites of pasta with fingers

aug.7 

- lunchables from gas station

*vyvanse* -fast start @ 10:40am*

=several fast breaks and restarts=

- bite of burrito @ 5:18 pm & small bite of meat from mom 

- 3 small red vines @ around 7

- strawberry & banana smoothie from costco

- remaining half of burrito @ 12:03

aug. 8

weight(w/ clothes and mid-day i believe): 198.2 (?)

*double-vyvanse plan day 1*

1st @ around 11:00am smth

- several water bottles drank throughout the day

2nd @ 4:05pm-ish

- broke fast @ 11:28pm: smallish portion of lasagna + nectarine

aug. 9

weight(w/ clothes on): 196.6

*double-vyvanse plan day 2*

1st dose before walk, so 9-ish?

- ate mandarina + lasagna portion and 2 pieces from old tangerine about 30-40 minutes before 4(ate the 2nd or 3rd pc of the tangerine between 4-5ish)

2nd dose around 4pm

- meat pie @ night.. eaten fairly slowly over the course of abt an hour or maybe even more than an hour, taking bites and waiting for it to cool down while also feeling like it wasn't that good... tasted better semi-cold 

- red gatorade 

aug. 10

weight(w/ & w/o clothes): 193.0 (yaaaaaasssss freaking finally)

*double-vyvanse plan day 3*

=went on walk before taking dose, heavily tired from lack of sleep=

got home and: ate nectarine, egg(felt a little full after this), 1/2 a donut

*took 1st dose a little after consuming this semi-meal*

ate the remaining 1/2 of the donut cuz that sugar lowkey tew good

took sips of sister's weird orange cream sbux latte for the taste, but later for the caffeine to kick in cuz  i wasn't feeling my vyvanse @ first and was getting some cravings(i believe i did this bc i ate the other half of the donut)

~vyvanse kicks in~

- a sip or 2 of gatorade?

- 1 bite of a pc of pineapple

nothing for the rest of the day

aug. 11

[felt really good this day, semi euphoric and also restless - mainly @ the burger king but i wonder was got into me]

weight(naked): 191.2 (-1.8 lbs) [oh yeah baby 😎]

*double-vyvanse plan day 4(slight break)*

=woke up late due to vyvanse-induced insomnia tossing and turning(update abt time i slept later)

after 2pm: ate 2 pcs of pineapple

- burger king: chicken fries + tiny ice cream cone, fries

- @ movies: popcorn, dibs(mid), diet coke

aug 12

-

-

- remaining white claw, wine, juice

aug 13

*MY BDAY 🥳*

-

- consumed what felt like gallons of juice, kept going back to drink more (Twister brand)

-

aug 14

- air fried bagel bites (kept refrying to see if the cheese would melt, it did not but that pizza crust was nice and crunchy tho)

-

- cereal

- ~vyvanse~

- bday dinner: chicken parmesan, cocktail/drink: gimlet something: Orange Blossom Gimlet, seasonal butter cake (good af)

- wine, voda + juice

aug 15

- remaining bite of chicken parmasean

- air fried bagel bites (burned them smh)

~vyvanse~

--

Wasting Away: brainwash/visualization/affirmation/manifisation

Friday, March 15, 2024

brainwash/visualization/affirmation/manifisation

 - i'm perfectly capable of restricting. i did it before without appetite suppressants and i can do it again and keep it off.

- i can restrict however i want if i truly put my mind to it.

- hunger and cravings feel good. they make me feel thinner and empty (like i'm being cleansed/pure)

- it is 100% possible for me to lose weight and achieve my dream body.

- if i truly tried, i could be 162 lbs by the end of this month.

~

- food is so fattening. yes it tastes good, but are the calories worth it? it's the reason for all this fat on my body

- calories in foods makes me so anxious. i can't not check, estimate, or calculate. it's just dirt and waste in my stomach that slows down my weight loss with every bite.

- i feel my best and most euphoric when i'm fasting. i lose weight so rapidly and feel on top of the world, like a feather. it's almost scary how high i feel.

- overeating makes me so miserable. it's kept me fat and held back my potential for too long.

- i can't stand the idea of taking in so many calories. it's like saying yes to fat.

- american culture is designed to keep people fat. i hate being a statistic. a statistic of ppl trapped in a fatty flesh prison bc the lifestyle makes it that way. i will be free.

- i will never reach my true full potential of beauty if i remain fat.

- i will be 22 in 5 months, i need to be thin.

march 23, 2024

cw: 170.4

ever since my longterm brainwash session, i've been restricting so effortlessly. i stayed under 600-800 calories a day and fasted the last 2 Sundays. I usually started my days off with a warm cup of tea with lemon juice in it, go on a walk at around 10 am to 10:30 am, and then at 12 i'll eat a keto friendly breakfast. in the beginning it was salmon with a boiled egg. then i'll starve for 5 hours, chugging water, and eat another meal around 400 cals at 6 pm, then go on my walk. at 8 pm i'll do my bed workout. i spend a lot of time looking up thinspo and daydreaming abt the day i'll finally be thin, and i know i can do it too. i'm finally back in control of myself and it feels good. the hunger and cravings feel so good. i'm going to Disney with my friends on the 27th, i hope i'm in the mid-160's by then. I wonder if they'll notice?

march 27, 2024

cw: 168.2

april 3, 2024

cw: 164.8

it's 3:10 pm, i recently got back from work. i'm in the middle of a 41 hr fast, so i'm 20 hrs and 10 minutes in. i felt a litle woozy at work today, but i'll be fine after eating tomorrow. i got back after my first shift and drank a hot cup of tea with lemon juice, as usual, i drank a lot of water until 11:30 am where i stopped so i wouldn't need to pee when i went back to work. i'm going to periodically play tetris and play with my fidget toy, as well as do my visualizations but truth be told - i don't really need it. i love being this hungry, it really feels like all the fat and pounds are just melting off of me. i can tell i'll be thin very soon and i'm so excited. it feels so good to be in control. i love the feeling of being lightheaded and cold, especially when i go on my walk at sunset, it's otherwordly. i can't for the life of me understand why i let food of all things bar me from experiencing this for so many years. the memories of me being fat and bloated, eating on my bed and getting crumbs everywhere could bring me to tears. it makes me shudder thinking how much time i spent living like that. i'll make up for it though. it's the beginning of april, signifying spring (my favorite season <3) and i'll be thin just in time for autumn and winter. it will be so beautiful <33.

---

Wasting Away: ULTIMATE List of Diets/Methods/Tools for organization (lmao) [10/18/2024]

july 1 - july 12 ~ july 31

july 1

-

july 2

-

weigh-in(i believe it was the 2nd but could also possibly be the 3rd, or even the 4th?): 196.8 with clothes in the morning, 195.8 naked but after consuming liquid(?)

july 3

july 4

- coke zero + stella rosa

- hamburger

- hot dog(?)

- white wine(?)

-appacama's house: watermelon, other fruit grapes,

july 5

- i took a tiny bit of 🍃🍬 but didn’t feel anything 

- at least one white claw in the evening 

july 6

- was high so i must've took a gummy

july 7

- peach

- peanut brittle(?)

- got high, which led to me wanting to drink as well, drank 3 white claws throughout the latter half of the day which is doing waaaay too much, alongside sips of stella rosa and a large sip of some margarita my dad bought. lowkey loser activities 

was a constant back and forth bc i hated that my buzz/high was wearing off so i’d debate taking extra portions of the edi and also drinking more alc

july 8

*fasting* goal: 48 hrs but knew i’d break for hangout w/ friend

- danimals / or was is yogurt? yea i think it was yogurt, isk if i had danimals too but i allowed yogurt as a “liquid”

•ended up breaking prematurely 

- honeybun(previously fought the urge but gave in anyway)

- 

july 9

*fasting - 48 hrs goal*

- taste of pb

- tall matcha(still unfinished)

- smallest spoon sip of clam chowder(no chunks)

fast successful✅

night weigh-in: 199.8 (i’m getting pissed)

july 10

july 12 (@ csuci town center)

- 2 whiteclaws

- tortillas burrito

july 13

-

july 14

-

july 19

- hard ribs

- coke, wine, beer

- burger

- bite of better rib, cookies, 

- 2 edibles

- 

july 20

*fast-ish* ~ to make up for picnic gorge

- morning: sbux matcha, seafood city: grill city chicken bbq (took an unnecessarily long amt of time bc if disorganization, and their chicken was hard af anyway)

july 21

*no vyvanse day*

- dad’s unfinished sausage egg biscuit

- 

- SHITTON of sunflower seeds throughout the afternoon & evening **

- salmon

- 

- honey bun (2x)

- 3 bagel bites + whole plate of grapes & strawberries (STILL had cravings after, smh)

- whole bunch of watermelon (still, cravings). **

- small cupful of frosted flakes (wasn’t very good)

- hot dog w/ ketchup

- 

july 22

- lean cuisine, popsicle

- grape

- nature valley

- 4 bagel bites

- frosted flakes(?)

- 2 shrimp tempura 

- banana

- noodles 

july 23

- 2 bagel bites, nature valley, apple

- bagel w/ pb, 2 boiled eggs, grapes

- pineapple cup

- 5 saltine crackers

july 24

*plan*

lunch: banana + oatmeal, 2 eggs - 355 cals

snack: none

dinner: french bread pizza - 390 cals

--

didn't stick to plan, forgot abt it lol

- 4 or 5 bagel bites

-

-

- mom's bday dinner: pasta + chicken parmesan, bites of pasta from other family (lasagna, regular red pasta, long noodley red pasta lol) bites of choc?/brookie sundae, like 3 sips of parents' drinks total

july 25

weigh: 195.8... knew i'd be gaining after this day

- 

july 28

eat every hour plan

hour 1: 27ish carrots with tbsps of pb - 198 cals est.

hour 2: 2 eggs - 160 cals

hour 3: plum, 10 sunflower seeds - 70 cals est.

hour 3/4 | 3.5(?): salmon - 150 cals + sprite - 140 cals

* i think i waited so much time between "feeding" periods that i basically skipped a full hour, tried to ea the plum but it was too soft, forgot i had also planned sunflower seeds, was chewing on spoon pretty diligently from like 1 or 1:30ish to 2ish

- @ night post-10pm: mandarin & nectarine, still sipping on sprite, 2 sunflower seeds

july 29

*no vyvanse but appetite wasn't rlly all that bad.... probably bc i gorged on taco bell and sbx early on?*

- gave into craving and ordered Chicken quesadilla + tall iced matcha drink

- taquitos

- mexican ice cream bar

- 1/2 cashew nv bar

july 30

- egg, like 2 sips of nasty stale sprite

* vyvanse *

- cookie @ auntie's house (also bad and rlly cold)

- french bread pizza in 2 halves, 2 hours apart + apple (while facetiming w/ friends :3)

- 5 taquitos

- cashew nv bar

july 31

- big cup of coffee

- 1/2 edible

june 19 - june 30 | hex color code: purple

june 19

- egg sandwich

- noodles

- 2 slices of pizza, 1 pc cinnabon 

- 1 bite of chicken from the chicken rice bowl

- 1 pc cinnabon (2 total, mini tiny size btw)

- 2 tiny bites of chicken sides

exercise: morning walk w/ parents (only 1 round), evening walk (only planned on going/went up to the light stop as i left too late)

june 20

*plan*

lunch: avocado toast (300 cals), bowl of strawberries & grapes(~64 cals?) 1 1/2 water bottle OR 2 cups of tea

- ate toast with burger bred cuz it was all that was available, did not do the tea or bottled water bc there wasn’t any. i however did drink water from seven leaves, does that count? [~344 cals]

--outing-- 

7 leaves: 1 pm to 5 pm (left at 4:30)

vyvanse @ 4pm

9pm: chicken bowl + 2 pc chicken sides from yesterday (if ur appetite returns, continue fast if not) - {ate after i returned home so around 5pm, finished just before vyvanse could kick in} [~380 cals]

- chewed on spoon later in night to counteract cravings even while still feeling the vyvanse. was thinking how i could do a “meet halfway” method by implementing light doses of stimulants + chewing fidgeting for craving suppression 

extra: peanut brittle pieces[~160] i nabbed from dad’s livingroom, vyvanse kicked in just as i was about to start snacking on them lol, took a bite of one after i felt it but knew it was over… ate the pieces later at night tho, diet pepsi

total: ~884 /600-1,600

impromptu weigh-in after scale’s batteries were replaced: 204.6(?) in dad’s living room, 207.6(?) in grandma’s bedroom. both clothed after eating lunch

how far i’ve fallen :/

june 21

*plan*

lunch: banana oatmeal, 1 boiled egg

in b/t meal: chew spoon as fidget ✅

snack: chicken rice bowl OR pb & j

in b/t meal: chew spoon as fidget 

dinner: 1/2 grapefruit + lean cuisine OR tuna & crackers

in b/t meal: chew spoon as fidget 

9pm: grapes & strawberries, apple OR tangerine(if one of the fruits isn't viable)

in b/t meal: chew spoon as fidget 

--

weight: 201.6 (-3.0 or -6.0 if u wanna count the weigh-in in dad's living [not accurate tho lol...unless?] )

execution:

lunch: banana oatmeal (195)✅

went to church with parents for father's day so ofc i'm going to blame that for me ruining my plan. started getting cravings around 2pm-ish? knew i wouldn't be home for some hours since we were going to visit chidi. next time to plan, i'll either take vyvanse/a strong coffee, or bring packaged food to eat with me. or i'll actually try to white knuckle it or even utilize visualization.

- rice w/ meat (basically ate like an animal), meat pie (~400-500)

- fanta soda (~100)

- peanut brittle (~200)

- hot cheeto fries (150)

- 3 pcs of bacon (~100)

- stella rosa wine cup, tiniest bite of edible gummy (around 2.5 mg? feel nothing as i'm writing this + ate "5"mg... still nothing as of 1:44 am) (~100)

dinner(8:50ish-pm): pb & j w/ burger bread (~260+)✅

chewing on spoon✅ helped mitigate some cravings. should do after every hour "snack"

[skipping grapefruit, lean cuisine, tuna & crackers, and possibly egg and fruits due to being "thrown" off track]

~emergen. plan to rest of night: 10pm: apple (80)✅, 11pm: 20 grapes, 12am: boiled egg(?) - combined/traded in for scrambled eggs with ketchup (~180), 1am(go to bed): 

exercise: evening walk

total: ~1,570-1,670/600-1,600

june 22

*plan*

library by 11am(visualize to get motivated) stay till 4:00, take vyvanse @ 3pm

lunch: none except for water

snack: none

dinner/other "meals": \/

-     tuna & crackers

-     2 "scrambled" eggs

-     lean cuisine (if i still have one)

-     some other snack available in the house (must be 3 hours after last eaten, normal portion and NO SECONDS, use visualization to help you) | possibly slice of pizza?

how to day went: ate some of mom's custard in the morning, ate like 1 slice of cold bacon, went out and bought 2 cookies from jersey mike's :DDDDDDD, then was gucci for abt an hour as i waited for dad to drive me to the library where i stayed for a little under 2-3 hours, took vyvanse at 4 i believe (forgot abt the 3 plan, but i went too late anyway) got home and ate a ham sandwich, which i followed with a small bowl of pasta. vyvanse kicked in at this point so i didn't eat the meat. i also didn't eat for the rest of the day thx to the appetite suppression, lucky me.

exercise: walking

june 23

weight: 197.6 (7lbs down in 3 days wootwoot)

semi-planned

lunch: tuna w/ crackers, grapes

snack: leftover meat from yesterday's pasta, peanut brittle, apple (implemented "slow eating habit" by taking a bite of peanut brittle every 5 minutes, helped with managing appetite and slowed down my eating even when my cravings were present. started to eat peanut brittle at normal pace towards the end) 

dinner: plan - 2 boiled eggs, tangerine OR drank a danimals, had stale/expired cheerios, then went ahead and ate some jello too

9pm: plan - ham sandwich w/ mayo(a little late)

extra: extra crackers after snack cuz dem cravings dawg(funny considering minutes before i was upset over how my body looked while sitting in grandma's bed), more crackers, ate edibles (7.5 mg - before 9pm meal), coffee (only drank like half), pb & j as an extra meal to bring me to 2,000 cal day(after laying in bed w/ cravings for quite some time, more peanut brittle, ordered oreos(rlly just wanted more peanut brittle but didn't wanna make a noticeable dent in it.. was not satisfying, mainly munchies) some waterfall of wine

june 24

- ordered starbucks basically as soon as i woke up: cheddar sausage & egg sandwich (damn good) + grande vanilla sweet cream cold brew to manage appetite for hopefully the rest of the day(they didn't seem to have nitro cold brew, which used to get me right) it gimme tummy aches

- coffee suppressed appetite for s decent while, not the whole day, ended up not drinking leftover coffee from yesterday cuz gross and also i couldn't msuter up the motivation to

- after 4pm, maybe even 5, i ate about 8-10 ritz crackers in the walmart

- ice cream drumstick

- popcorn shrimp w/ ketchup

- peach

- sausage & potato

- juice

june 25

*plan*

Library(don't forget desktop earphones): 1:30 pm - 6:30 pm

add-don't-subtract

planned foods to eat:

- nature valley

- yogurt +

- 2 boiled eggs +

- apple +

- 20 grapes + 

exercise:

total: /600-1,600

---

diet format (ignore)

♢

june 20

current weight:

lunch: avocado toast (w/ burger bun bread), strawberries & grapes - ~350 cals

snack: none

dinner: small chicken rice bowl - ~400 cals

total: /600-1,600

extra:

exercise:

week goal:

month goal:

#ddc2fc

bruh

 son

april 15 - april 25

wegovy - day 1 (weight: 196.6?)

weigh-in after taking wegovy: 197.40 on rm's scale (naked), 198.60 clothed | 200.8 clothed on personal scale, 196.6 naked | 197.60 on rm's scale again naked (flashed 197.00 for a second)

no noticeable change so far by 3:41 pm, appetite still present and lowkey going strong

felt a bit of a gurgly feeling around 30 min - 1 hour after taking it, but nothing intense

pretty much back to normal afterwards, we'll see tmrw