179.6 (Feb 27)

 excerpt from mpa journal:

so, i'm finally back in the 170's (or at least i was. with the way i ate, i have no doubts i've gained). tbh at first, i didn't believe it. i weighed in like 6x to see if it was truly accurate. i got a reading for 182.6 once but every other time was 179.6. i shifted my scale multiple times and even went into a different room to weigh to check and still 179.6 -  and this was after having eaten breakfast + the honeybun, as well as drank water so it's pretty crazy.

i'm obviously happy about this but i wish i could be happier. in general, i'm just not motivated or rather triggered enough in my ed/weight loss at the moment. it's what years of failures does to ya, i've gone thru this nonchalant phase multiple times. i still have the same thoughts of weight loss everyday, and disapprove of my current body but i just don't have the mental energy to hyperfocus on it. i feel like this is a very adhd-driven thing (tbh my adhd is indirectly responsible for my ed in the first place).

i just need some kind of gameplan. i can barely restrict when i am triggered so trying to do that now is out of the question. vyvanse is very good at controlling my appetite, but as you can see from the above it's not foolproof. i'm thinking either 1,600 cals a day or my own disordered version of add-don't-subtract. aka i eat what i want when i want but small portions + smth low calorie and healthy to reduce appetite and calories overall. i also need to control my nighttime cravings bc they're a little insane.

at the end of the day, any plan i come up with can only work if i'm focused on weight loss. it's been 3 years since i was last 179 lbs (what a tragedy) and i don't wanna repeat that cycle. i want to continuously lose weight and i 100% do not want to spend another year fat for god's sake.