I looked in the mirror at my flat stomach, slight hipbones and rib peeking out and asked my mom "Do you think I'm skinny?"
"Of course! too skinny.."
I stared at my figure some more and thought, "is this what I look like NOT at my goal weight?" I wondered why I'm still trying to lose weight, I was completely enamored with my appearance. I wanted to stop bodychecking since my mother and brother were in the same room, but I couldn't help myself.
I couldn't figure out for the life of me why I wasn't satisfied... and then I woke up. I swear to god I physically felt the fat pop up in my body, I remembered why before I even opened my eyes.
I'm fat. 190+ lbs to be exact. I had become content with sticking to 1,600 cals a day (barely doing that bc I'm a fat failure who can't stop shoveling food into her mouth) but now I feel more impatient, I feel like I'll never reach my ugw and I want to do whatever I can to reach it as fast as possible...but I can't, because I'm a failure and have to eat a healthy deficit to avoid (complete) failure.
god..
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