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Yesterday, me and my boyfriend had a talk. I could tell that something was bothering him and asked what was on his mind. At first, he didn't want to talk about it and said that he didn't know what was wrong. I knew, however. I said "It's me, right? I'm pretending everything is fine and it frustrates you because you know it's all bullshit". I was right. I started to cry. I explained that the reason I've kept everything to myself is because I'm terrified that he would dump me if he knew things were getting worse again. He said that he wouldn't break up with me just because I have an eating disorder but if I keep pretending that I don't, we wouldn't have a future together. I felt so stupid. I seriously thought that if I just kept smiling, sharing thoughts and stories, suggesting activities, asking him all about his day and pretend to be utterly interested in every detail, he wouldn't notice that I actually felt like crap and I wouldn't have to deal with the damage my eating disorder is causing. All he wanted was for me to be honest so I told him about the two sides of my brain, me and ana, and how we're constantly fighting in my head. I'm trying to eat as little as possible and yet I look fatter each time I look in the mirror. I reassured him that I, deep down, don't wish to live like this. I'm just terribly scared to reach out for help since ana makes me believe that everyone would want to sabotage my weight loss. She tells me that everyone is lying to me, even friends and family, and she is the only one daring to speak the truth.
He told me what it's like to watch everything from the outside, how he often gets so frustrated that he wants to scream at me or hit me in the face to make me "wake up from this psychosis". He said that sometimes when he looks at me, all he sees is anorexia. Sometimes when he's standing by his window watching me go to school in the morning, he doesn't think "there goes my girlfriend" but "there goes anorexia". Apparently he thinks I'm a skeleton, which is extremely difficult for me to grasp. I know I'm not overweight but I'm definitely not skinny. Non disorder people seem to think everyone is skinny as long as their not overweight...
Anyway. I agreed to call the psychologist I'm referred to and ask for an earlier appointment, because none of us feel like we can stand this for two more weeks. I'm terrified. I don't know if I, in fact, are exactly as fat as I feel, or if my body image actually is distorted. I also don't know which one thing would be the worst... I will include some recent pictures of me, even though I'm deeply embarassed to share them on a website where everyone seem to be thin and perfect. If anyone is reading this, what do I look like? I don't know anymore...
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