july 17 - happy 2 year anniversary :') (1 year and 5 months in 1 month and 5 days)

 Just being bitter and writing a 2 year anniversary update to remind myself that 2 years i ago i started restricting almost perfectly with a fast and lasted that way for a beautiful 3 months before falling off track and become the miserable mess i still am today <3333

but legit it still doesn't make sense...i spend 2.5 years of my ed not being able to restrict for more than like 3 days, go into a dormant phase for 2.5 more years, quarantine while going in and out of dormant and restrict, then this month hits and for 3 MONTHS i'm capable to restrict and fast on and off. granted, i had a lot of mess up days but i would always get it together by the end of the month and lose a bunch of weight.. and then in november i just couldn't. my drive died. truly, i felt it die that day in october where i prematurely ended my fast but then again i was able to actually restrict for the first 12 days of november so...? i also think i further fucked myself with ephedrine. but it was the only thing that got me to 179 and kept me from gaining super fast...

i'm going to eat 1500 for the next 7 days as i have a family trip to hawaii, for the last 3 days before the trip i'll use ephedrine and eat 800 to hopefully speed up some weight loss cuz i need to be at least 195 before i go as we'll be gone for 6 days. i will treat the hawaii trip as my "treat myself and eat whatever" time frame and hopefully, hopefully, my brain will let me restrict after that. hopefully my brain will be extra motivated by that. and then i'll know for sure that in order to kickstart restriction, it now works to let myself eat however again for a couple of days. i've been too scared to for a while because of how close i am to the 200s ...(but at the same time i did smth similar in november and it didn't really work but whatever maybe it's different since i tried to do it with ephedrine) i was way too scared of going higher than 200 because of the huge chance i wouldn't be able to lose it again and basically go back to my highest weight. so it's really important i'm mid-190s for hawaii.

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ANYWAYS what a ramble, but here's smth so silly and fun:

i could under 1 year and 5 months of fuckups in just 1 month and 5 days...if i could stick to my ideal amount.

1 month and 5 days. fascinating