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Posted Yesterday, 08:16 PM
Work is over. I’m home and i’m hungry af. Feels like ive fasted for 2 days since i threw up my only food yesterday lol. I would love to eat spicy noodles with a shitton of green onion… also tempted to eat and purge more leftover chicken and mash lol. I feel like I deserve to eat but what if it’s a mistake? Will I regret eating? Probably.
I’m currently baking peanut butter cookies to give to my dad tomorrow. We are having a fathers day dinner, it will be tacos! I’m also going to bring guacamole. I feel embarrassed that I have no money to spend on a real gift for my dad. I binged all my money away and all i have in my account is for bills i need to pay. I hope he enjoys the cookies. Baking for others is something i do only for those I care about. Btw not letting myself eat a single cookie, they are probably hella high calorie, and seeing the amount of sugar and peanut butter and flour that goes into them is disgusting. I’ll have my boyfriend test them out to see if they are good or not
I’m currently baking peanut butter cookies to give to my dad tomorrow. We are having a fathers day dinner, it will be tacos! I’m also going to bring guacamole. I feel embarrassed that I have no money to spend on a real gift for my dad. I binged all my money away and all i have in my account is for bills i need to pay. I hope he enjoys the cookies. Baking for others is something i do only for those I care about. Btw not letting myself eat a single cookie, they are probably hella high calorie, and seeing the amount of sugar and peanut butter and flour that goes into them is disgusting. I’ll have my boyfriend test them out to see if they are good or not
#313 
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Posted Yesterday, 08:57 PM
I’m going to eat food. I weighed myself and I was 112.6 so thats acceptable, hopefully i’ll be the same or lower tomorrow. Gaining is not allowed! I also did a super quick workout because I haven’t done that in ages. It felt nice to sweat and get my heart rate up, the burn in my muscles is needed. I got my 10k steps as well. So i guess i deserve to eat. Hoping my weight is acceptable tomorrow morning or i’m gonna regret this big time.
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#314
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Posted Yesterday, 10:17 PM
So I ate spicy noodles with green onion, garlic, an egg, and siracha. Then i had half of a jam sandwich, didn’t eat the crust so even less than half lol. But now i feel uncomfortably full and I want to go purge. All i can think of is the food in my stomach weighing me down and making me heavier. I feel like I’m bloating all over my body, I’m blowing up like a fucking balloon. Im getting fatter by the second and i need this food to exit my body no matter how painful. At least i should fall asleep quickly if I exhaust myself purging. I need to get rid of this feeling its disgusting. I want to feel light again.
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#315
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Posted Today, 12:17 AM
32 Days until Bday
SW: 120.2 lbs (54.5 kg) BMI: 22.7 BF%: 27.3
CW: 113.6 lbs (51.5 kg) BMI: 21.5 BF%: 24.5
Steps: 10,654/10,000
Calories Burned: 2456
Notes:
Ate approximately 700-800 cals then purged. Did some exercise today. Hoping for 112 tomorrow, considering I weighed 112.6 this evening before I ate and purged.
SW: 120.2 lbs (54.5 kg) BMI: 22.7 BF%: 27.3
CW: 113.6 lbs (51.5 kg) BMI: 21.5 BF%: 24.5
Steps: 10,654/10,000
Calories Burned: 2456
Notes:
Ate approximately 700-800 cals then purged. Did some exercise today. Hoping for 112 tomorrow, considering I weighed 112.6 this evening before I ate and purged.
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#316
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Posted Today, 06:34 AM
Bless. 111.6 today. Gotta love dehydration. Already feel the emptiness of hunger. Not going to eat until dinner tonight with my parents. Hopefully i’ll have the opportunity to purge but I’m not confident I’ll be able to do it without someone hearing. I can’t act suspicious in front of my parents, they think i’m recovered bc i’m not underweight anymore lol. If they catch me purging or if i’m too weird about what I put on my plate then they are gonna start nagging me about my health again. How fucking annoying. At least i don’t live with them anymore.
#317
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Posted Today, 08:12 AM
Thought i’d share. This has been the past year for me. Since June 2021 when I started to rapidly gain weight. I’ve just been struggling and struggling and my weight just keeps fluctuating. Also i’m pretty sure I got up to 135+ in august but i was avoiding weighing myself so theres no data. I’m praying to quit this fluctuation crap, all i want to see is my weight go down down down.
And this lovely graph shows my weight throughout my eating disorder. Disordered thoughts began in 2012 but I didn’t start properly tracking my weight and regularly engaging ed behaviours until 2014 when I got an ipod and downloaded myfitnesspal, joined mpa, joined tumblr, etc. I had a LW of 97 in 2015.
Gained up to my HW of 149 at the end of 2017 as a result of bingeing and alcohol. Then in 2018 was my first major weightloss, all the way down to 94.4 pounds. I gained weight during my pregnancy in 2018/2019 then lost again after a miscarriage and an ex breaking my heart caused severe suicidal depression. Then back to gaining weight in 2019/2020 because I met my current boyfriend and was trying to be happy, i wanted to recover. Then near the end of 2020 i got triggered into my first actual relapse. Went from 130s down to 93.8 in 2021. Then I moved out of my parents and started binge eating like crazy till i was in the 130-140 range. I barely weighed myself I was so ashamed. And now for the past year I’ve been fluctuating in weight because its been so hard to quit the bingeing. I’m ready for another downwards trend though. I’m desperate.
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