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Posted 06 June 2022 - 02:37 PM
I just want to know why even the people who have known me for the longest time don't love me. Whether it's my family, the psychologist who has been following me for 7 years, my ex (7 years relationship with him too). Why doesn't anybody love me?
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#168 
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Posted 07 June 2022 - 02:16 AM
Woke up with my mother and my father at home. My mother making noise while cleaning. Leaving my door open every time, as usual. I lost weight and that made me feel a bit better for a moment. I cried myself to sleep and cried when I woke up. The desolation is too much. I want to run away and I can't even stand. I tried to have a conversation with my mother about something that concerns me a lot. She dismissed everything I said. My brother just came back home and I'm feeling worse since I heard the key turning in the lock.
Weight: 50.1 then 48.9 then 47.7 then again 50.1. My jeans are looser however. Yesterday's total was 1003. I was expecting to drink something at home but somebody drank all the wine that was left from my sister's birthday. I was planning to have soy burgers and vegetables but there was no vegetables. I wanted to finish all the soy burgers but I had half of a package. So I had at least 300 calories less than I thought.
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#169
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Posted 07 June 2022 - 04:21 AM
CW: n/s/f/w
I was thinking that as soon as I’m skinny enough to wear cute lingerie without feeling gross (certainly less than 40 kgs) I’ll start some On1yfans or whatever. That’s all people ever wanted from me anyway. S3x or a fantasy, seeing me in this kind of pictures. Not me as a person. Never me as a person.
And then I’ll wait for death. And maybe someone will remember me, thanks to the photos they m4sturbate to, since nobody cares about me as a person. Nobody sees me as a person. Nobody ever did.
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#170
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Posted 07 June 2022 - 04:57 AM
rotten_apple, on 07 Jun 2022 - 04:21 AM, said:
SpoilerI was thinking that as soon as I’m skinny enough to wear cute lingerie without feeling gross (certainly less than 40 kgs) I’ll start some On1yfans or whatever.
ci penso spesso anche io lol
my english is ugly and so am I
accountability
height: 175 cm / 5'9
hw: 59 kg / 132 lbs (bmi 19.3)
cw/lw: 46.3 kg / 102 lbs (bmi 15)
#171
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Sage
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Posted 08 June 2022 - 01:05 AM
If I could travel through time and meet my 22-year-old self I'd tell her, "that 30-something who says this and that and tells you you're mature and you have a lot in common will only take advantage of your solitude, your inexperience, your softness and your insecurities and will make you feel more lonely, miserable and misunderstood, stealing all your best years and what will be left of your sanity from you. Keep being wary, keep being distrustful as you already are towards him. He only needs you to feel better about himself by making you feel smaller than you already feel and are."
(And this is exactly what happened with every older man I've ever met and... I just can't finish the sentence because I feel like I'm choking.)
#172
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Posted 15 June 2022 - 06:28 AM
I'm bloated because of my period and once the period is over I'm more bloated because of only god knows what. I'm tired.
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#173
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Posted 17 June 2022 - 01:44 AM
My life is completely empty and I wish I could kill myself. I can't even stand drinking anymore. I hate it. I hate being hungover. There's nothing that makes me feel better anymore. I only have memories, traumas and fears and literally nothing else. NOTHING. NOTHING. I'm tired of crying. I'm so tired of all this emptiness and all this solitude. When I needed people the most. When I needed love. Every person I had in my life destroyed everything I had. Every little thing. And I can't run anywhere. I'm not safe anywhere. I'm too old for anything. I'm worthless and empty.
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Twisting deep inside of me,
Forever missing, the glistening.
— SOiL, Unreal.
28. Italy. EDNOS/OSFED.
Flexitarian because of reasons, avoiding meat as much as possible for the environment.
Drugs and alcohol are my only friends.
Blog: [⛔ for friends only ⛔]
Introduction: [here]
Current accountability thread: [here]
◾ Competitions and Challenges ◾
π August Rainbow Challenge 2021
π July Rainbow Challenge 2021
July 10th: -3 (orange)
July 12th: -4 (yellow)
July 26th: -7 (purple)
The August 100% Gold Challenge
SW: 111.7 lbs
❖ The July 100% Gold Challenge
July 10th: 30%
July 12th: 40%
July 26th: 70%
Rank (July 2nd): Stranger
Rank (July 10th): Warhero
Rank (July 12th): Duchess
Rank (July 25th): Empress
✨ GW: 109 lbs ✨
☆ 7th day (August 2nd):
☆ 15th day (August 10th):
#174
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Sage
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Posted 17 June 2022 - 12:25 PM
CW: less than 50 kg, apparently. Still too fat. I should have been much lighter by now.
Fp has become more distant since my birthday while his colleague has become way nicer and more sociable with me after the "accident", which makes me uncomfortable. Something about this is so awkward. I think I know where this is going. His jokes remind me of... something. I'm seeing some parallels with That Person and one of his best friends. I mean... it's not like there's any other option with me, right?
Anyway... I'm crying every day again and I can't stand the loneliness. I can't remember what I was trying to say.
Fp didn't notice I cut myself last night after I got drunk. Or maybe he did. He didn't say anything though. We're barely speaking.
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#175
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Sage
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Posted Today, 01:43 AM
Not much to say. Still around 50 kg, I haven't lost a pound in almost a month. I don't know what to do anymore. Always depressed and increasingly suicidal.
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Twisting deep inside of me,
Forever missing, the glistening.
— SOiL, Unreal.
28. Italy. EDNOS/OSFED.
Flexitarian because of reasons, avoiding meat as much as possible for the environment.
Drugs and alcohol are my only friends.
Blog: [⛔ for friends only ⛔]
Introduction: [here]
Current accountability thread: [here]
◾ Competitions and Challenges ◾
π August Rainbow Challenge 2021
π July Rainbow Challenge 2021
July 10th: -3 (orange)
July 12th: -4 (yellow)
July 26th: -7 (purple)
The August 100% Gold Challenge
SW: 111.7 lbs
❖ The July 100% Gold Challenge
July 10th: 30%
July 12th: 40%
July 26th: 70%
Rank (July 2nd): Stranger
Rank (July 10th): Warhero
Rank (July 12th): Duchess
Rank (July 25th): Empress
✨ GW: 109 lbs ✨
☆ 7th day (August 2nd):
☆ 15th day (August 10th):
