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whore extraordinaire
- LocationNYC
Posted Today, 03:39 AM
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • 3 1 M A Y 2 0 2 2
cw: nope
intake:
iced coffee + caramel nutpods
chocolate + almond butter cauli oats
balsamic chicken chopped salad
wild-caught cod + california blend veggies
watermelon chunks
total: 684 calories
exercise:
1.64 miles of hot girl walking
holy shit it was scorching today.
i planned to do about 3 miles total walking but the weather was very uncomfortable to walk in. i also planned to do some full body strength training but the doms is real from my run yesterday.
my weight is still embarrassing but at least it's going down fast. if i continue with whole30, i should be back in the double digits before the month is over. i'm trying to remain patient but it's really frustrating losing weight you've lost before.
sigh.
xo
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Posted 28 May 2022 - 07:09 AM
people a similar weight/slightly healthier than me to stop me being scared of gaining weight
the kate moss one was on my wall as thinspo at one point
me at higher bmis
ill ask my mum if i can start going to the gym, i think that might help me. if i gain muscle its less scary than fat i think.
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✧˚₊‧ Kez | 16 | ENTP 7w6 ‧₊˚✧
I like listening to music, writing and fashion
diagnosed anbp, e-bpd, c-ptsd, adhd
╭────── stats · · · · · ♡
153cm
HW: 53kg, bmi 23 (11/20)
CW: Low 14's
waist: 20 inches
╰━━━━━ ☆ ━━━━━╯
Not sure what I want atm,
I'm still doing disordered things
out of habit and fear. thats all
i know. not ready to recover but
seems fun, but not yet, i dunno.
#154 
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Posted 29 May 2022 - 03:48 PM
Lettuce n sriracha
Bp x 3
I can finally see my pelvis through my back that was one of my goals but my body is weird like,,, not soft very jagged and sharp. Which is good ig idk still wanna go lower tho haha
✧˚₊‧ Kez | 16 | ENTP 7w6 ‧₊˚✧
I like listening to music, writing and fashion
diagnosed anbp, e-bpd, c-ptsd, adhd
╭────── stats · · · · · ♡
153cm
HW: 53kg, bmi 23 (11/20)
CW: Low 14's
waist: 20 inches
╰━━━━━ ☆ ━━━━━╯
Not sure what I want atm,
I'm still doing disordered things
out of habit and fear. thats all
i know. not ready to recover but
seems fun, but not yet, i dunno.
#155
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Posted 29 May 2022 - 04:15 PM
I want to try really hard not to BP, idc if I gain as long as I don't bp.
Measurements now;
Waist 20.5 inches
Thigh 14.5 thickest part
Thigh 11-12 at the bottom
Arm 6 inches
Hips 29 inch thickest part
Sent from my SM-A326B using Tapatalk
✧˚₊‧ Kez | 16 | ENTP 7w6 ‧₊˚✧
I like listening to music, writing and fashion
diagnosed anbp, e-bpd, c-ptsd, adhd
╭────── stats · · · · · ♡
153cm
HW: 53kg, bmi 23 (11/20)
CW: Low 14's
waist: 20 inches
╰━━━━━ ☆ ━━━━━╯
Not sure what I want atm,
I'm still doing disordered things
out of habit and fear. thats all
i know. not ready to recover but
seems fun, but not yet, i dunno.
#156
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Posted 29 May 2022 - 05:09 PM
Have fun camping dude!
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18 - He/Him
Stats, Goals, and More Dragons
I have dragons and dragon eggs! Click them to help them grow up 
Stats
Height: 5'5.5" / 65.5in / 166cm
HW: 157lbs / 71kg / BMI 25.7
LW: 145lbs / 65kg / BMI 23.8
SW: 149lbs / 67kg / BMI 24.4
CW: 146lbs / 66kg / BMI 23.9
Goals
GW1: 145lbs / 65kg / BMI 23.8
GW2: 140lbs / 63kg / BMI 22.9
GW3: 135lbs / 61kg / BMI 22.1
GW4: 130lbs / 59kg / BMI 21.3
GW5: 125lbs / 56kg / BMI 20.5
GW6: 120lbs / 54kg / BMI 19.7
GW7: 115lbs / 52kg / BMI 18.8
GW8: 110lbs / 49kg / BMI 18.0
UGW: 105lbs / 47kg / BMI 17.2
_________________________________
Updated May 20th, 2022
#157
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Posted Today, 03:55 AM
SadSun, on 29 May 2022 - 5:09 PM, said:
Thank you! I have WiFi now so I can post on mpaHave fun camping dude!
Sent from my SM-A326B using Tapatalk
✧˚₊‧ Kez | 16 | ENTP 7w6 ‧₊˚✧
I like listening to music, writing and fashion
diagnosed anbp, e-bpd, c-ptsd, adhd
╭────── stats · · · · · ♡
153cm
HW: 53kg, bmi 23 (11/20)
CW: Low 14's
waist: 20 inches
╰━━━━━ ☆ ━━━━━╯
Not sure what I want atm,
I'm still doing disordered things
out of habit and fear. thats all
i know. not ready to recover but
seems fun, but not yet, i dunno.
#158
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Posted Today, 03:57 AM
In the morning I had to get up really quickly to get my bloods done. I had a roll with butter for breakfast (250, thought it was less) then we went to the hospital and I had my blood test. I need my potassium to be stable so they can start me on fluoxetine although I'm a bit worried that it will still be low.
Afterwards we went to asda and asked mum to buy me an energy drink, I asked for either watermelon or regular, with sugar. Because I would've been OK with it and I've never had original monster. She got me watermelon (15 but I ain't counting something that gives me energy lol)
Then we drove off and stopped at my grandads, I had 2 toast there. Wholemeal, one with butter and one with lentil spread he made (300) I also had some sweets in the car (50)
When I got there I bare work grabbing all the stuff from the car, getting water, etc. Wore me out! Then I ate a chicken sandwhich I made last night (200 cals)
I had a nap for some reason, I was very tired, then I ate 2 cereal bars (174)
I started feeling a bit bored which is a trigger for bp, I was also alone. But I was determained not to and I distracted myself instead. When my parents got back from their walk they made dinner, they had corned beef hash and I made my own dinner, half a can of English brekkie (200) but ate my little brothers leftovers which would've been about 75-100 cals. My stomach feels so weird from the food.
I know at this point I've done well, there's no chance to bp now and it's night time when I'd usually bp. But I'm happy, I'm sound. I have dont have good food in me but its something, there'll be some fibre and some protein in me.
Later on I chilled, had half a koppenhagen cocktail (75) and picked at a bit of meat (fuck knows). I'm definitely below maintainece.
(Around 1300)
Day 2:
Ffs I had a normal bowl of cereal, then puked a picn mix and some chocolate later. Didn't even get a chance to puke half the chocolate very quick. We were gonna get lunch then the pub decided to stop doing food???? Oh cuz we had to go get food for some reason despite everything on a pub menu being like 1000+ calories. Ugh.
Rhen we found a pub. I ate nice food and puked it, I ended up bping 4 times today but hopefully tomorrow will be better(?) I've also drank a lot of cider then kept snacking in the night but didn't properly bp at night which is what my habit is tbf. I keep having naps in the day and my potassium came back a tiny bit low and my ck levels high, dunno why.
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✧˚₊‧ Kez | 16 | ENTP 7w6 ‧₊˚✧
I like listening to music, writing and fashion
diagnosed anbp, e-bpd, c-ptsd, adhd
╭────── stats · · · · · ♡
153cm
HW: 53kg, bmi 23 (11/20)
CW: Low 14's
waist: 20 inches
╰━━━━━ ☆ ━━━━━╯
Not sure what I want atm,
I'm still doing disordered things
out of habit and fear. thats all
i know. not ready to recover but
seems fun, but not yet, i dunno.
#159
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Posted Today, 07:27 AM
What drives it? Attention probably? I remember a guy called me a pritstick and told me I needed food, my friend told me I'd die if I lost more weight and I was "obviously anorexic" I loved it, why?
I don't think it's just because its a validation of my ed, because my ed isn't really about starving it's about binging and purging. I don't really like sympathy or feeling cared for, but it could be a little bit of that. i need to work on why I need that because atleast if that drive goes away I'll have a better quality of life
I think I just want to be special and stand out, I could be walking down the street at bmi 20 and that's boring, no one cares about that. I could walk down the street at bmi 10 and that would be SHOCKING. So yeah, really it is about attention. And I need to find another way to do that. I like shocking people, I don't know why but I do it as well by telling people about my past. I'm not shocking at the moment really, I just look a bit too thin but not in a "Jesus fucking christ what's up with her" kinda way. In reality I'm not special or interesting, but I want to be, I want to be memorable to people in a way that doesn't feel inherently negative, being emaciated doesn't feel negative to me (where as being 600lbs would do)
As vain as it is, I could always just change my mindset and use my body at bmi 15.5 to be shocking, I look higher than my bmi so I just look slim in an attractive way there. Although I quite enjoy being in the bmi 14s more so. Its so confusing.
I just wanna eat with less need to then go and bp, my ed is exhausting.
Maybe I should just start protesting and like,,, do what russell brand did and strip nude on drugs at a protest lol
✧˚₊‧ Kez | 16 | ENTP 7w6 ‧₊˚✧
I like listening to music, writing and fashion
diagnosed anbp, e-bpd, c-ptsd, adhd
╭────── stats · · · · · ♡
153cm
HW: 53kg, bmi 23 (11/20)
CW: Low 14's
waist: 20 inches
╰━━━━━ ☆ ━━━━━╯
Not sure what I want atm,
I'm still doing disordered things
out of habit and fear. thats all
i know. not ready to recover but
seems fun, but not yet, i dunno.
26
accountability, but its actually just me recounting how many times ive cried today || bmi 18.0 → 15.4
#121
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Posted 28 May 2022 - 12:49 AM
|| thoughts
so i wasnt planning on weighing myself 
but i had (tmi) two huge bms today ???? which is insane.
probably because the calcium chews ALSO have bunch of magnesium in them lol
i mean it was super nice because i didnt have a bm yesterday and that made me more bloated than usual 
my weight was still the same, but ill pretend its cuz i weighed after breakfast
its weird, lately i dont feel so focused on my eating disorder ?
i think thats good though because id rather NOT spiral hah
like i dont want to go back to recovery, but im content losing slowly and trying to focus on other stuff meanwhile.
its like my best case scenario for the moment hm.
i feel safe because im using my ed to cope,
but
ive stopped deliberately triggering myself to get worse
my head feels a lot clearer
i dont really want to be the sickest
ive been sick
i just want to manage things until i recover
or until i die
(whichevercomesfirst)
maybe that makes my ed fake
but i dont care anymore
ive been miserable for so so long
and yeah im never gonna be great if i dont choose recovery or whatever
but at least i can be good
anyway
heres a poem i wrote years ago, i changed a few words that i didnt like, but other than that:
id sooner drop dead than apologize to you
stoptellingmewhatialreadyknow
stoptellingmewhatialreadyknow
you think im stupid?!!?
youre fucking wrong.
you treat me like im blind?
youre a fucking idiot.
(ihatethis)
(ithurts)
im not a baby, i never was
i know im a failure
(thanks, please rub it in)
i cant keep up
lifes too fast
(itskillingme)
(ithurts)
stoptellingmewhatialreadyknow
stoptellingmewhatialreadyknow
(i think its the one with the least, uh, swear words and nasty metaphors so-
pretty sure i was trying to channel leathermouth era frank energy)
...
there was some other stupid bullshit stuff my mom said today, but i dont really want to talk about that
its not important anyway
|| song of the day
stomachaches has always been my mentally ill album ever, but lately its been so so comforting for me, i dont get that with alot of music. usually it makes me feel worse
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#122
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Posted 29 May 2022 - 12:14 AM
|| 5/28/22
- weight:: 98.4
- bmi:: 16.9
- intake:: 1240kcal
- steps:: 15,028
- exercise:: 45 minutes (pilates)
|| food pictures
- coffee and vitamins (10kcal)
- cereal with cashew milk (185kcal)
- zevia soda (0kcal)
- veg cheese pizza (800kcal)
- protein cereal and coffee (245kcal)
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#123
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Posted 29 May 2022 - 12:29 AM
|| thoughts
i can never tell if the kind of content i post needs like a tw ? or a spoiler or something
i realized earlier that a bunch of my tumblr followers are literal children- and while i dont post like blatantly nsfw stuff i still dont want to be responsible for scarring a bunch of 12yos
so needless to say i softblocked a lot of people today
i guess im coming from the perspective of being exposed to a lot of fetish/nsfw/gore stuff from a fairly young age (like 11) so im used to it and kinda forget that some people DO NOT have that experience or they actively avoid it
.....which props to them, i definitely have regrets
like ill see 15yos make a huge fuss about seeing adult content and im just.... where did i go wrong in life.
(i mean expressing your sexuality is a healthy normal thing to do, especially as a teenager, but trust me the stuff i found was not good for my child mind)
but then again,
also
(my point)
sometimes tws seem a bit….. uh, excessive ?
like i get if you use them for touching topics like suicide, or s/h, or violence, or nsfw stuff, or politics, (etc.)
but i saw someone tag stuff with “doll nudity” today
and it was literally just a regular doll, like if you undressed a barbie or something
ughh its so so confusing
…
anyway thats my big thoughts from today,
i didnt do a whole lot, it was a lazy day.
i woke up at like 7:30am for some reason??
which is funny cuz i know i didnt fall asleep until after 3am
i still got out of bed despite better judgment. it was nice actually. i read and drank coffee, and it was *slightly* quieter than usual
and yeah then i fucked around (paced) for a few hours until like 1pm and then i spent two hours straight trying to find my chem livestreams thatd actually work,
and uh yeah i was exhausted after that and almost fell asleep during church 
and then nothing else notable happened
im going thrifting tomorrow which will be fun.
i dont really need more clothes but second hand stores are pretty cheap and my moms the one who suggested it so
i might take some pictures if im feeling up to it
but ig it depends on if i find anything good
|| song of the day
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#124
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Posted 29 May 2022 - 07:08 AM
honestly yeah censorship is a weird thing. i feel like for kids though it's the parents' responsibility to keep them off the internet. but that's hard in today's age
so confusing stuff. but honestly a lot of the shit i came across when i was younger too...hella messed up.
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#125
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Posted 30 May 2022 - 01:27 AM
|| 5/29/22
- weight:: ???
- bmi:: ???
- intake:: 1240kcal
- steps:: 14,500
- exercise:: 45 minutes (pilates)
|| food pictures
- cereal with cashew milk and vitamins (195kcal)
- zevia soda (0kcal)
- veg cheese pizza (800kcal)
- protein cereal and coffee (245kcal)
- (unpictured) coffee (0kcal)
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#126
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Posted 30 May 2022 - 01:28 AM
|| thoughts
oh im so drained
again
i am always drained.
i keep switching between using text talk and my own cynical poet wannabe writing style
which probably makes my accountability an interesting read
i guess it depends on my mood
actually i should start writing poetry again, just for fun.
thrifting was successful(ish), i got some hottopic pants, but they might not fit. i havent tried them on because they arent washed yet
i also got a new dress.
i was very drained after getting home which sucked.
and than my family tried to watch a movie which also sucked.
my dad didnt want to watch the movie, so it was just me and my brother watching alone
my dad yelled at me about that for some reason
like how dare i want him to watch the movie with us
thats the whole point of movie night
he makes me so upset
hes so selfish
i hate that
and then he has the nerve to yell at me for doing stuff he himself does (frequently)
sorry im not in the mood to explain in detail
i need to hit something i have so much anger right now.
...
im so over my eating disorder
maybe i should just maintain here before i get worse
i dunno
im so scared ill lose my personality either way
|| song of the day
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#127
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Posted Yesterday, 01:00 AM
|| 5/30/22
- weight:: ???
- bmi:: ???
- intake:: 1640kcal
- steps:: 14,975
- exercise:: 45 minutes (pilates)
|| food pictures
- cereal with cashew milk and vitamins (195kcal)
- cucumbers with hot sauce (30kcal)
- pb2 with dark chocolate (140kcal)
- frozen strawberries (50kcal)
- oreo thins (70kcal)
- corn thins with avocado and nutritional yeast (155kcal)
- burnt broccoli and veggie burger (225kcal)
- english muffins with veg cream cheese (360kcal)
- protein cereal and coffee (245kcal)
- (unpictured) coffee, zevia soda (0kcal), vanilla dessert bar (170kcal)
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#128
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Posted Yesterday, 01:00 AM
|| thoughts
hi what am i doing with my life
i ate maintenance.
is it even worth it to lose the weight?
im just gonna hit 95 pounds, then ill take a break.
i just need a break before i snap.
i was up so late last night.
i got panicked and softblocked more of my followers on tumblr,
then i unfollowed a bunch of other people.
probably for the better.
too tired to elaborate but,
yeah
sorry for being dramatic, today wasnt even bad
it was really good actually.
but again i shant elaborate because i dont think most people follow this just to hear my ramble about mcr
i have a stomachache again,
because i am so anxious
i wish my accountability was more exciting,
i mean, it will be if i decide to keep using it through summer. im gonna be soo busy.
sad. i just want sleep.
my therapist is gonna love me tomorrow. i probably wont shut up about getting concert tickets.
he will say something: "real happiness can not be found on this earth, you should try praying or read the bible"
and then ill go home and cry
.......im gonna stop typing now cuz im feeling a bit sick.
(EDIT:: why do i always get stomachaches on maintenance days, literally fml i cant deal with this)
|| song of the day
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#129
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Posted Today, 01:41 AM
|| 5/31/22
- weight:: ???
- bmi:: ???
- intake:: 1435kcal
- steps:: 15,500
- exercise:: 45 minutes (pilates)
|| food pictures
- cereal with cashew milk and vitamins (195kcal)
- mixed veggies (75kcal)
- pb2 with dark chocolate (140kcal)
- frozen strawberries (50kcal)
- swedish fish (55kcal)
- corn thins with avocado and nutritional yeast (155kcal)
- burnt broccoli and textured vegetable protein (160kcal)
- english muffins with veg cream cheese (360kcal)
- protein cereal and coffee (245kcal)
#130
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Posted Today, 01:41 AM
|| thoughts
asfkhsjfksh long winded ramble ahead
so i think its finally hit me that im going to be 18 in less than 4 months
its so surreal.
logically i know not much will change at first, but also,
ill be an adult !!!!!
i can finally start doing things I WANT with my life, i can get the tattoos ive been wanting since i was 14, i can get more piercings, ill have more job opportunities....
this list goes on.
i should write this stuff down (to be honest.)
its so weird, i dont feel like an adult
i barely feel older than 12 most days, i swear nothings changed since then.
its a lot to process, i didnt even think id live this long you know?
may was a busted month, but that happens.
ive been thinking things over these past few days, and i think im gonna maintain for awhile once i hit about 95lbs.
things get harder after that point, and do i really want to sacrifice what little happiness i have for a low number that has only made my life worse in the past?
if you cant tell im feeling very conflicted.
id still like to be lower, closer to my lowest.
but it was never sustainable, and im trying so so hard to just compromise with myself.
obviously a healthy weight is out of the question but the 16s arent bad and i look pretty okay at that weight, and i guess worse comes to worse i can always just lose more. right?
...
ive been so bloated all today, had horrible stomachaches and cramps last night.
it feels like im on my period
(which no blood yet so i guess not)
maybe i will be, we'll see.
i guess its better than more bone loss 
also no bm which just sucks. my stomach has pretty much doubled in size i hate it.
........and i keep forgetting to drink water which is making my whole situation reaaaalllllyyyy a lot worse
ugh,
...
pride month starts tomorrow (technically today as i type), which is crazy, i cant believe its already june
i always want to wear some sort of outfit as celebration, but also my family is crazy unaccepting so guess i wont be doing that 
im very envious of people with supportive parents, mine are all "we will always love you!! but....."
at least theres stuff to look forward to this year (by that i mean my chem concert footage, as always)
counseling went okay today,
my therapist was only a little helpful though. typical journal about your feelings, etc.
at least he didnt say anything weird?
i mostly talked about how upset i get with my parents, cliché
anyway, i think theres more im forgetting to mention, but my stomachache is back and i should actually go sleep
so
hopefully ill be able to lose at least 3lbs this month 
and stop plateauing
|| song of the day
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