Friday, June 10, 2022

man, my head is swarming with ideas | metabolism/weight concerns + thinspo(aesthetic)

 so the official plan of "slowly decrease calories to adjust appetite" is still in motion but i have so many ideas of things i want to work/think should work/ hope works but probably doesn't or will stop later on.

one thing is slapping my thigh, pinching myself, and/or pinching my tongue to redirect my brain's attention when i have a craving and to apply negative reinforcement. i've only tried it for mini cravings that i've had it and it seems to work a little and my heart hopes it'd work for bigger REAL cravings but the reality is it probably won't. it's even not worked for some mini cravings :(

my dream is that it'll work so well i can even fast while doing this (when i don't have an intense mental craving that leads me to abandon the method of course" but there's that.

there's also the not new plan of take eca

and then of course the everlasting plan of just "suck it up and try to restrict! go back to ur 2020 honeymoon phase!" i'm always slightly tempted to do this and test my self control, but we all know how that ends :/

I want to do a mix of all of these (sorta). obviously the goal is to continue the "decrease my appetite" plan. even when i mess up, i will keep going back because it's all i can do like literally. i'm starting off with 1370 today and it'll take me around 20ish days to get down to 800 :/ i keep making the plan kinda of fast because i'm desperate lmfao. i've proven to myself i can eat around this amount with 4 meals a day. one thing I REALLY need to work on tho is NO SNACKING. like i can nibble on 1 or 2 extra things but stuff i've been doing like ravaging the fruit loops box for marshmallows or eating multiple handfuls of popcorn is UNACCEPTABLE.

so yeah, decrease appetite plan starting from 1370 is in motion. for any day i mess up, i want to make up for it by taking eca the next day. my eca, while still feels a bit dull, can actually suppress my appetite for quite i long time so i'm thinking of using it to eat 600 cals instead of 800 and take it at 3:30, maybe even earlier for a ~400 omad teehee. but my brain/body completely rejects the process now tho. i literally GAG when i have to take it, especially the caffeine pill. i can't stand it, which is why i don't even try to take the easy way out by just taking it everyday when my tolerance has reduced enough that i can, you know? so gross and uncomfortable.

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aside from that.. i'm having some serious metabolism concerns in regards to my weight. idk how much of this is just due to my new scale or my actual body but i feel like my weight does not reflect what i eat. obviously, i barely weigh myself anymore most days because of my utter lack of consistency so it could be due to that but when i do have a good day and weigh myself after i kinda feel like scratching my head. like 3 days ago on June 7th - I weighed 202.4 on my current scale. (202.0 on my old scale on June 5th). that day, i ate around 1,200-1,400 bc ofc cereal marshmallows, and the day after i weighed 200.6 on my parents' scale. which would indicate a 1.8 lb loss! which is good of course, reassures me. but ofc like i dumbass i overate that day, skipped a weigh in, and weighed in at 202.4 on my scale this morning after restricting yesterday... i can understand weight gain but uh... 1.8 even after not eating for several hours the day before? if my metabolism ISN'T fucked then this would mean i gained a shitton after 1 day IF BOTH SCALES ARE ACCURATE. if my metabolism is fucked then that means i lost practically nothing. very confusing and too many possibilities. so what i'm gonna do right now is go weigh on my parent's scale, my current scale AND old scale and settle these theories once and for all. I drank a cup of tea and went on a walk so it'll be different but hey, should still have a low variation 

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parents' scale: 200.2

current scale: 199.6

old scale: 201.2


ok.. so more complicated than i initially thought. i'm concluding both my parents' and my current scale are both accurate with slight different levels of sensitivity or just different flooring and levels. i forgot i had weighed in on my current scale with a towel this morning to avoid being seen naked by my sister so that def contributed to the weight + the walk i took for sure burned off some water weight. i weighed again after putting back on my clothes and was on 201.0 so there's that. old scale is still 1-2 lbs higher so ik for sure it's accurate. i think the issue is just me not being consistent and on other days aiming for 1300-1600 which obvs doesn't lead to a big fluctuating since it's not hard restriction. i guess that's the end to that saga












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