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๐ข๐ง๐ญ๐ซ๐จ๐๐ฎ๐๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ฆ๐ฒ๐ฌ๐๐ฅ๐ <๐in Community IntroductionsStarted by EvieZamora, 20 Feb 2022 |
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the body type “society” wants you to be?
#1 
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Posted 03 May 2022 - 03:30 PM
i think race, location, height, and gender play a huge part of it. different communities have different sorts of beauty standards. i’m black and a woman, and for me growing up in the early 2000s/2010s. (i’m 18) , the ideal body type for me was slim thick. it was ok that I wasn’t tall. I have “hips” and “thighs” even though my butt is flat, which makes up for the fact i have no butt. what made me start restricting my diet was the fear of people constantly making comments on how my body had matured when I was only 12. every time i lost weight or told concerns about my eating habits, i was told i was “acting white” and needed to “accept my curves.”
which is honestly ludicrous. so i wanna know. i’m not white, so i’m not going to assume if you are, that you automatically wanna look skinny and not curvy. but i’d like to know how race/gender/height/location affects the way you view your body in society? and what sort of body standards you are told you need to adhere to.
i think it’s also different for guys too. there’s always been this beauty standard for men to be skinny, tall, and muscly, even now. i think the standards for women have morphed more compared to those in men. so both fat/lanky/short guys tend to be told they aren’t meeting certain beauty standards, id say. and i’ve seen some tall girls feel insecure about their height and wish they were shorter, and vice versa with short girls.
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Posted 03 May 2022 - 03:47 PM
I'm American but my family is from Eastern Europe, so I feel like I'm held to two different beauty standards, which is exhausting. I'm always either too skinny and flat-assed to fit the American ideal, or too "fat" to fit the Eastern European ideal. My BMI is around 20 right now, and my American friends tell me they wish they were as skinny as me, while my mom tells me I've "gotten chubby" and should try to lose a few pounds.
#3
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Posted 03 May 2022 - 06:10 PM
Honestly society can fuck off with what "body shape" it wants me to be. I want to be the weight/shape I want to be. Plus, this is really just all media ideals. Individual "preferences" always vary. My boyfriend likes thin girls, and I've seen plenty of S.O's on my 600lb life and shows like that who love overweight bodies.
At any weight, there are always going to be people who find your body attractive and people who don't.
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#4
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Posted 04 May 2022 - 03:14 AM
Then -- here's the good news -- IME after that age once you're into mid twenties and higher, again you don't want to be overweight, but it's like people get blurred vision and can't even see the difference (or care) whether you're BMI 18 or 23, it's just all grouped together as "good", and if you're generally thin but have one "problematic" body part, no one notices that either.
I still restricted from natural BMI 21.5 to 20 and am considering going to 18.5, but no one cares except me, lol
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Posted 04 May 2022 - 03:18 AM
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Posted 04 May 2022 - 04:49 AM
#7
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Posted 04 May 2022 - 05:00 AM
I love this question to be honest! I'm not certain if society pressures me or wants me to be something, I feel very unseen, invisible, non-existent in the real world, but I know for a fact what I FEEL I need to be when I think about my "chosen" environment.
So, a litlle background:
I'm a white, european, middle-class female in her early 20s that studies law at university.
At least half of the girls I see walking through the library *must* have some kind of ED/disordered eating since they're so thin. Some are literally bmi 15 at most. I feel like thin (and frail, physically weak) is in (xD it rhymes) among law students. Thin and expensive, pretentious branded-clothing. Oh, and carrying those clear tote bags everywhere so that everyone can see how many tampons tumble around in there next to your cigarettes and law-books. Sometimes I hear people sniffing in the toilet stall next to me and I'm not sure whether they're crying, doing drugs or both.
I think I want to be like them, I want to look scary skinny but in a still acceptable way, so bmi >14. But everything over 17 looks too fat for an university student => 14-17. Ahh it really is a terrible way of thinking! Thin bodies just somehow look so clean to me, they are like a blouse that never crinkles. SO ODD.
Society around me is skinny so I have to be too, I want to belong even though I despise my fellow law students, I actually hate this subject, I only do it bc I don't want to stop now that I've started 
Normal society (not yucky law people) would probably expect me to look like I do now but with more ass and boobs, which isn't achievable for me without gaining weight which I definitely won't do ever under any circumstance bc I see myself as way too fat already. Sorry for the rant lol I'm spending time in purgatory rn 
how long can u resist the choco bar?
eternity ♡
where is the lyrical content?
All I want to do today is to kill this self of mine. I want to cut open my skin and cut out all the fat underneath it. Then I want to boil my bones clean and pat them dry and put them back in. I want to puke out all my intestines, my stomach, guts, I want them all out in front of me in a trash can. Then I will reach down my throat and stroke my beating heart, grab it, and take it out to lock it in a little wooden box. In its place I will put a cold, sharp stone. This way, I will still feel that it’s there because of the sharp edges of the stone, who will cut me open from the inside. When I am all clean, all flesh and bone and ice and stone, then I will go to bed and sleep until the next morning, at precisely 7:23 I will wake up, with black, glowing eyes and full of energy and nightmares. I will make myself look human again, feel human, sound human and only the bugs in my room and the crows out front of my window will know what had happened.
Argyroneta aquatica
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Posted 04 May 2022 - 07:34 AM
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#9
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Posted 04 May 2022 - 08:50 AM
Because I’m black, there seems to be a preconceived notion that I should WANT to look like Meg and Nicki and have their slim-thick body. I’d look goofy with that body type, especially since my height and proportions do not go well together. So when I say I want to lose weight, and I’m told I want to look like my friends(predominately white) because they’re white(but not all skinny and lanky so??their point is irrelevant), it REALLY gets on my nerves. I want to have the body type that I want, not what people think I should want because I’m a black female and should want to look like the other famous black females in pop culture.
#10
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Posted 04 May 2022 - 10:41 AM
But anyways, then university started and frankly I didn't care for male attention anymore. I don't know what switched off in my head but I had a lot of hard classes and I really just wanted to focus on school. I dressed in ways that would usually hide my butt for the most part, except when I just wanted to wear leggings for comfort or whatever. On those leggings days I've literally had one of my guy friends say (accidentally?) "woah" when I walked by him in the aisle to get a seat - that was so awkward. University is also when I started going to the gym because it was free since I was a student. So I kinda got into that whole toning up thing, and Instagram fitness models were the new craze, so I wanted to look like them. I started tracking my cals too during this time, and skipping meals and lying about it when I got home to my parents. However, my parents didn't seem to worry or notice at all - probably because I was no longer that very skinny sickly looking kid I guess, I was a woman now with curves, and some muscle from the gym.
The whole time I was always a normal BMI, and maybe a touch on the thinner side but nothing crazy, pretty average. After university I moved to what I would describe as a "skinnier city" if that makes sense, and a LOT of the woman I would meet are thinner than me. Which fucking sucked of course. So I got a bit more crazier in my diet and exercise and now I'm at a 20 bmi and although I still feel large because of my curves and because of my frame, I am fairly smaller than most women I meet now I would say. So I guess I fit in quite well to my society, but to my culture (family) they actually think I've become too thin. My mom will tell me to "stop losing weight it's enough now" but I literally don't even tell her I'm losing, I say it's just natural because I've been more stressed and busy.
So I guess I'm adhering to the thin standard of beauty in my new city, which isn't what my mother wants because she thinks it's a bit too skinny. All the while, my SO is one of those thinnnn tall guys so I always want to look smaller than him which is tricky with my curves but I've been managing lately I guess
Soooo idk why I just gave you my life story but yeah lol
Previously "JustABitThinner"
stats & gifs in spoiler 
✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧.•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧.˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧.•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧.˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧.•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧.˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧.•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧.˚*•̩̩͙✩
5'4" / ~116 lbs / b.f ~17.5%
start/high: ~128 lbs [bmi 22.0]
gw1: 120 [bmi 20.6]
gw2: 115 [bmi 19.7]
ugw: 110 [bmi 18.9]
✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧.•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧.˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧.•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧.˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧.•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧.˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧.•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧.˚*•̩̩͙✩
#12
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Posted 04 May 2022 - 12:43 PM
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#13
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Posted 05 May 2022 - 10:09 AM
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Posted 05 May 2022 - 10:21 AM
wanting to crawl out of your skin (tw)
#1
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Posted 04 May 2022 - 01:26 PM
do you ever feel like you’re doing it so you can finally feel at home in your own body? like somewhere along the way, your body was no longer your own and it became everyone else’s, and you’re just a machine that moves it. and you just want your body to feel like your own, so you give into ed behaviors and try to control your weight.
i was assaulted at a young age and i associate myself at the heavier weight i was with it. i’m scared i’ll be assaulted again if i ever get back to that weight, because i felt so sexualized as a kid for having curves, but also scared people won’t desire me unless i’m unhealthily thin. it’s a strange contradiction. and it’s not just a hatred of my own body, but feeling like a stranger in it.
those of you with EDs who are into fashion?
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Posted 29 March 2022 - 09:19 PM
i feel like i’d look better in some outfits if i were smaller, but i don’t feel like holding off from buying them until I’m at a certain weight. i just buy and wear them if i like the clothes i guess. same with shoes. i dress the way thirteen year old me would’ve called me cool for dressing like because i love expressing myself through fashion.
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#2
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Posted 29 March 2022 - 10:51 PM
same now that im smaller i feel comfortable wearing more
#3
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Posted 30 March 2022 - 12:22 AM
I have some clothes for my LW, UGW and some for fitting me when I’m not at a lower. I love the feeling of wearing the clothes that fits me when I’m at lower.
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#4
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Posted 30 March 2022 - 12:37 AM
Yesterday I had such a nice combo, got several compliments from strangers on the street. Even some random middle aged man said he liked my pants lol
But the part I kind of hate is that I know I won't be able to fit these clothes forever
The weight I'm at now isn't sustainable and I'm facing forced treatment
So soon I'll have to say goodbye to my nice outfits :/
#5
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Posted 30 March 2022 - 08:52 AM
clothes are my whole world and i look better in my fun silly wardrobe when i'm smaller for sure but i can still fit into a lot of it at my current size bc i have lots of androgynous pieces alongside the slinky/skintight thotwear. i'm at a higher weight temporarily rn (above my setpoint) so i'm not buying new clothes other than workout clothes because there's no point. most of my wardrobe will fit me at my setpoint, but some will only fit me at gw5/ugw - can't wait to wear those!
๐๐๐
SW: 176 // 80 · GW1: 165 // 75 · GW2: 154 // 70 · GW3: 143 // 65 · GW4: 132 // 60 · GW5: 121 // 55 · UGW: 110 // 50
๐ accountability ๐
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#7
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Posted 03 April 2022 - 08:45 AM
I enjoy fashion and am exploring petite modeling as a summer/side gig.
#arduous
hw: 138+/- bmi: n/a
lw: 103.00 bmi: 18.2/18.8
cw: gross bmi: 19ish
gw1: 120.5 bmi: 22.0
gw2: 115.0 bmi: 21.0
=================
gw3: 113.0 bmi 20.0
gw4: 107.0 bmi 19.0
gw5: 101.5 bmi 18.0
gw6: 96.0 bmi 17.0
ugw? 93.0 bmi 16.5
(height updated below line)
"she had willingly corrupted herself. she had been eager for change, for attention and distractions"
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Posted 14 April 2022 - 12:04 PM
#10
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Posted 28 April 2022 - 03:23 PM
I have loved fashion since I was a pre-teen. I find I am more experimental and confident throwing random things together when I am thin, probably because I have more confidence that it just looks good because I'm thin. When I feel bigger, I still love fashion and wear cool shit, but am more mindful of making sure that I am covering parts of my body that I feel self conscious about.
#11
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Posted 29 April 2022 - 06:11 AM
But over all, I love fashion! So many different styles to choose from. I can never stick to one so I end up mixing together something that's only mine lol
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characters from a book/movie/show that remind you of your ed?
#1
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Posted 21 March 2022 - 01:10 PM
movies:
—nina sayers, black swan
—tracy freeland, thirteen
—bella swan, twilight
—beth, sharing the secret
—layla, buffalo 66
—maria brennan, look away
tv shows:
—hanna marin, pretty little liars
—blair waldorf, gossip girl
—rory gilmore, gilmore girls
—oren lennox, tiny pretty things
—mini mcguinness, skins uk
—rue bennett, euphoria
—cassie howard, euphoria
—peach salinger, you
—madison montgomery, american horror story
—violet harmon, american horror story
books:
—eileen, eileen by ottessa moshfegh
—cassie and lia, wintergirls
#2
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Posted 21 March 2022 - 01:43 PM
Movies
D.E.B.S. (the whole main cast)
Sucker Punch (the whole main cast)
Spring Breakers (Faith and Candy)
Black Swan (Odile)
Thirteen (Evie)
The Neon Demon (all the models, but mostly Gigi)
She's All That (Laney)
10 Things I Hate About You (Kat)
Clueless (Cher)
Girl Interrupted (Lisa)
Jennifer's Body (Jennifer)
Shows
Stranger Things (Nancy)
Vampire Diaries (Elena/Katherine... Katherine's hotter and more bad ass)
Pretty Little Liars (Hanna's story line, Spencer's body, and the actress Lucy Hale when she lost a ton of weight after the show)
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Buffy and Faith)
Penny Dreadful (Penny)
Hellcats (Marti)
Gifted (Polaris)
T@gged (Elisia)
Friends (Rachel)
Scream the TV series (Nina and Brooke)
#3
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Posted 22 April 2022 - 08:55 PM
I related to quite a few different ones from the documentary 'Thin'.
TV/Movies
- Nina from Black Swan
- Beth from Sharing the Secret
- Rue from Euphoria (kind of)
- Daisy from Girl, Interrupted
- Tracy from Thirteen
- Ana from To the Bone
- Cassie from Skins UK (kind of, as well)
- Micah from Wristcutters
#5
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Posted 24 April 2022 - 11:29 AM
lunoct / coda | 23 | she/her
epic bulimic* who really likes video games.
i eat a lot. i puke a lot. i talk a lot. as shrimple as that really.
♡ Christian, aroace, autistic (prof-dx), pizza luvr. ♡
BMI is a myth based on eugenics and racism.
*i'm not AN b/p.
Romans 15:13
does any else?
#1
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 08:39 AM
for example taylor swift or ed sheeran. (and sheeran never said he had an ed, but that he struggled with binge eating. and his name gets used as slang for an eating disorder a lot.) i’m not even a big fan of their music but i like to connect some songs of theirs to eds even when they aren’t simply because it makes me feel closer with their content in a way? the way only someone who’s dealt with an ed themselves would understand what it’s like to have one. you can put yourselves in that person’s shoes no matter how different your lives are.
i don’t really get a kick out of it, like “oh you’re rich you have nothing to complain about” like the criticism from ignorant people when a celebrity opens up about having an ed or other mental issue. i feel like this stranger who has no idea exists understands how i feel, even better than certain people in my actual life. if i was in the public eye while struggling with an ed things probably would’ve gotten even worse, so i empathize i guess.
#2
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 08:47 AM
Sometimes. It's a massive comfort for me, especially seeing as so few male celebs say anything about eating disorders. I remember a few years ago when Andrew Flintoff did a documentary on how he has suffered with bulimia and it made me feel a thousand times less lonely. Particularly because he is the archetypal 'guy' - it was a real eye opener for a lot of people.
Interesting about Ed Sheeran, I never knew that he had suffered from BED
๐๐๐๐'๐ ๐ท๐ผ ๐๐๐ข ๐๐๐๐
#1
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Posted 15 March 2022 - 08:18 AM
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐: ๐ ๐๐๐๐, ๐๐๐, ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐
๐๐๐๐๐: 8:35๐๐, ๐ผ๐๐๐๐ 15
๐๐๐: 8:35๐๐, ๐ผ๐๐๐๐ 31
replacing sh with restriction (tw?)
#1
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Posted 13 March 2022 - 09:03 AM
idk i guess i’m posting this because i’m wondering if anyone’s had similar experiences. i feel like i’ve cheated being clean sort of, because i replaced one habit with another.
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Posted 13 March 2022 - 09:07 AM
#3
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Posted 13 March 2022 - 09:10 AM
Yeah, I can completely relate. I've replaced a lot of self destructive behaviors with restriction and b/ping.
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Posted 13 March 2022 - 09:13 AM
#6
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Posted 13 March 2022 - 09:16 AM
Name:, on 13 Mar 2022 - 09:13 AM, said:
Never was a super duper extreme self harmer who regularly cut themselves but me harming my skin has definitely decreased A LOT ever since I relapsed, I guess, with my Ed. I feel like life has beauty and I have a purpose again and I like myself more when I’m thinner. I feel more like myself too. Also feel sorta weird about this bc ideally I wouldn’t need to have any type of “behavior” going on for me but I’ve given up on becoming the ideal 100% mentally healthy human so.
Same, I was never super hard-core or 'consistent', but I definitely cut way less the lower my weight gets and the more restrictive I am. My self-harm urges come back when I go home, because I'm forced to eat more. I guess I'm numbing my feelings with restriction, so the urges just kind of fade when I'm starved enough.
#7
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Posted 13 March 2022 - 09:18 AM
oh yeah absolutely. restriction is the only thing that keeps me together, as fucked up as that is. amazing that you've been clean from sh for 10 months!!!!
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#8
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Posted 13 March 2022 - 09:50 AM
hotfuneralselfie, on 13 Mar 2022 - 09:18 AM, said:
oh yeah absolutely. restriction is the only thing that keeps me together, as fucked up as that is. amazing that you've been clean from sh for 10 months!!!!
thank you! it was really difficult but after my parents found out i really realized the harm i was doing (i will never forget the looks on their faces) and had no choice but to recover.
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kpop and pro ana edtwt/tiktok: what’s the connection?
#1
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Posted 13 March 2022 - 12:04 AM
i’m just wondering where the strong connection between kpop fandoms and pro eating disorder content comes from, hoping a fan of kpop on here can answer. i’m just unsure if the kpop pro ana content is a relatively new thing, although it seems to be recent on tiktok and twitter.
pro ana tiktok tends to have guides on how to make an ed account too, which include finding kpop fancams, selecting “dream bodies” (which are specifically idols of their fave group, usually jennie from blackpink or momo from twice) and all that. and much of edtwt, back when i was on it, would have their biases as their avatars and go on idol inspired diets.
99% of my tiktok fyp (which is basically a junk account i never post on) is videos like that, what i eat in a day’s, gym rat tiktok, and ed recovery. i was setting myself up for this so i won’t complain about being triggered, but i just wonder where the huge connection between pro ana content and kpop comes from. i’m just curious because it’s a huge phenomenon.
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Posted 13 March 2022 - 12:19 AM
I find Kpop groups triggering.
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Posted 13 March 2022 - 01:12 AM
not a fan of kpop but eating disorders are highly prevalent and more encouraged in asian countries -> lots of thin asian stars with a small girly aesthetic. these stars have fans from around the world, lots of young people like kpop and that type of waif aesthetic -> people idolizing the artists. a lot of very young people from all over the world want to be thin and/or glamorize eds and use tik tok (home of cringe 'aesthetic' vids) who like that aesthetic -> lots of posts about kpop on tik tok. edtwt (home of aesthetics as well but less cringe at least) ppl (usually younger) spill about edtwt or make jokes referencing it. ed ppl love ed media that is very interactive and loosely monitored -> more ppl use edtwt and tik tok who like kpop.
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Posted 13 March 2022 - 01:30 AM
beAbody, on 13 Mar 2022 - 01:12 AM, said:
not a fan of kpop but eating disorders are highly prevalent and more encouraged in asian countries -> lots of thin asian stars with a small girly aesthetic. these stars have fans from around the world, lots of young people like kpop and that type of waif aesthetic -> people idolizing the artists. a lot of very young people from all over the world want to be thin and/or glamorize eds and use tik tok (home of cringe 'aesthetic' vids) who like that aesthetic -> lots of posts about kpop on tik tok. edtwt (home of aesthetics as well but less cringe at least) ppl (usually younger) spill about edtwt or make jokes referencing it. ed ppl love ed media that is very interactive and loosely monitored -> more ppl use edtwt and tik tok who like kpop.
oh ok. i’m more familiar with the waif aesthetic on tumblr and pinterest, which seems to stem from the glamorization of 90s “heroin chic.” (personally not a fan of the name but whatever.) from what i can see, it’s essentially a revamped modern version that obsesses over kate moss, naomi campbell, modern supermodels like the hadids, and intersects with the messy french girl/pink pilates princess/green juice girl aesthetics at times.
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Posted 07 March 2022 - 03:55 PM
anyway, i know life is up and down but sometimes really good things happen! i’m happy about this. and that’s enough.
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Posted 07 March 2022 - 04:09 PM
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Posted 07 March 2022 - 05:50 PM
Daniel4754, on 07 Mar 2022 - 4:09 PM, said:
Nice, Brent Rambo would be proud. Are you going to share your major with us? Mine was Computer Networking Technology. As I progressed in my coursework, I transitioned from doing the general studies to an entire day of just the good speciality stuff. I enjoyed the environment of feeling like I was one of the guys and could nerd out about the latest graphics cards and stuff. It was real easy to make new friends when we all had at least that one thing in common. Hope your college experience is just wonderful.
pharmacy <3
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Posted 07 March 2022 - 05:56 PM
EvieZamora, on 07 Mar 2022 - 5:50 PM, said:
pharmacy <3
I love that. I use a pharmacy that specializes in dispensing psych meds and they have an annual art contest and twelve winners are selected to be in the calendar. I enjoy the artworks and it makes me feel not so alone as the art was submitted by people like me. My pharm tech Quincy is so nice to me. There are so many customers. I don't know how or why she chooses to remember my name of all people.
Here's January's picture:
https://imgur.com/HWjkBoR
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Posted 10 March 2022 - 06:02 PM
congratulations!! college was the best.
will you be living on campus?
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
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Posted 09 March 2022 - 07:17 PM
i know she’s just being honest, but at the same time she can’t help me if i don’t want help for my disordered tendencies. i hate being a healthy weight and i want to look emaciated. that is sick to say, but i’m being honest when i tell her that. i’m not going to be even slightly pleased with my body or consider myself to have an ed worth treating until i look full on emaciated.
i’m a fucking asshole for wanting this so badly. i’m hurting people around me and i don’t even care. i just want to look sick enough.
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Posted 10 March 2022 - 09:35 AM
Well, you know she's right. You have choices about what to do about it. And they are always choices. There isn't a default state. You choose to continue or you choose to recover. Whichever way, you choose.
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Posted 10 March 2022 - 01:32 PM
accountability:
https://www.myproana.../#entry76405513
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Posted 10 March 2022 - 01:35 PM
I’d recommend finding a new therapists, smart therapists will find a way to help you that’s not through fear tactics and pushing. I went through 20+ (over the years) before finding the “one” who helped me. (Before she retired)
You’re not the problem here honestly. You have problems and she just doesn’t sound like the therapist for you.
I could be wrong though for sure, either way I hope you are alright and have a better day < 3
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Posted 10 March 2022 - 02:30 PM
sunshines, on 10 Mar 2022 - 1:35 PM, said:
It’s true but it isn’t a way to help you.
I’d recommend finding a new therapists, smart therapists will find a way to help you that’s not through fear tactics and pushing. I went through 20+ (over the years) before finding the “one” who helped me. (Before she retired)
You’re not the problem here honestly. You have problems and she just doesn’t sound like the therapist for you.
I could be wrong though for sure, either way I hope you are alright and have a better day < 3
Honestly I find her to be an amazing therapist, because she’s done so amazingly well at helping me process trauma and depression. it sort of got in the way of discussing the eating disorder because i was at a really low point from depression when i first came to her, again when i came back from the psych ward. And even when we do talk about my ED, she usually asks about the trauma that contributed to it if i’m ready to talk about it.
She’s already recommended that i seek the local ED dietitian in my city who does outpatient treatment. And i don’t feel valid enough in my ED to go through with it just yet.
Personally I don’t really think I responded well, because she said it was ok when i began laughing and started apologizing. Because I was laughing from how surreal it all was and how I was not at the stage of symptoms she was describing. And how it seemed perfectly reasonable to want the life she was talking about even if the rational part of my brain knows it’s unhealthy.
Anyway, I think I’ll stick with her, but next session she’s supposed to write down what those around me have said about my ED and my responses so I can look at it from a different view. Usually it helped in the past similarly when treating my depression. Also, i hope you’re doing all right as well <3
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Posted 02 March 2022 - 09:53 PM
i guess i’m pissed, sort of because it seems like everyone who’s had bad habits around me (drinking, assaulting me) were just allowed to move on, but i currently keep regressing back into restricting because it’s the only thing that feels safe. a lot of shit went on when i was younger and i didn’t know how to handle it, so i chose restricting and fasting to deal with it. i’m safer now, away for the people who assaulted me, and my dad has stopped drinking.
i guess i just want to be the one who’s sick and getting attention now. and i sound like a terrible person for wanting to be frail and sickly and choosing to use an eating disorder to do that. in my head, if i just got emaciated, all my problems would be solved. people would fawn over how sick i am and i’d finally be Worthy Of Help.
right now i’m a healthy weight and i understand what i’m doing to my body is unhealthy, but in my head all i see is too much. that if i was just smaller, i wouldn’t hate myself so much. i’m so tired of hating myself. i only feel good about myself when i’ve lost weight. i guess that’s sort of pathetic, because i’m such a lonely person. i don’t care about anything anymore but being small enough. i just want to be happy.
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Posted 03 March 2022 - 04:22 PM
I used to be able to fast up to 48, and i’m slowly trying to get to 64 again, as that’s the longest i’ve fasted. i walked a bit today so i’m hoping i burned a little cals off. i’m so full. but somehow i don’t feel bad, bc i’m eating less at least.
i might be going to the beach while i’m on vacation, and i’m noticing i’ve lost weight in my legs. my thighs have always been a problem area but my lower thighs are irritating me less the smaller they get. during my “recovery” i would high restrict, and i’ve been eating 1000 cal as high restriction on most days. i used to panic abt it and binge, but high restriction is better than nothing if i’m going to keep restricting at all. when i low restrict, it doesn’t last me long and i end up binging.
i guess this is more of a diary than a rant lol. but it’s mine. i’m satisfied <3
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Posted 04 March 2022 - 09:03 PM
i still feel really tense around food, but i’ve been cutting food in half so far when i feel like eating it bc portion control, something my therapist recommended.
for breakfast tomorrow i’ll try to eat a little less than i have been—half a croissant and a bunch of raspberries with coffee after finishing my fast. i’m looking forward to it. it’s all i’m comfortable with at the moment seeing as my family likely won’t be eating out again and we’re leaving on sunday.
by then i’ll have bought a scale and body fat caliper so i can focus more on losing weight. i don’t have the best knowledge on body nutrition and stuff, all i know is how to restrict and fast. i’m supposed to be maintaining right now as per my psychiatrist’s recommendation-but i can’t do it. i can’t gain weight again. i fucking can’t. i’m not sick enough anyway.
also, every time i have a new weigh in with her—i see it as a challenge. im planning a 172hr fast because i’m absolutely stupid, and i want to lose any weight i might have gained. i know i can do it slowly, but i get a high from fasting and restricting and stuff. i know what i’m doing is probably not sustainable but i cannot fucking gain weight. i’ve seen videos of people doing 7 day liquid fasts and they seem fine. i really don’t care abt electrolytes tho bc all i’m doing is trying to lose as much weight as unhealthily as possible bc my ed has never been abt health.
i’m fucking it to shit anyway and have a defeatist attitude: like my therapist said: “i can’t help you if you don’t want help.” and right now i don’t think i deserve it. i’m a piece of shit.
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Posted 05 March 2022 - 08:29 AM
going to the beach later today, hopefully it’ll be fun.
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Posted 05 March 2022 - 01:23 PM
now i’m at a pizza place w my family. i’m going to eat the leftovers tommorow and fast 16hrs again.
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Posted 05 March 2022 - 08:36 PM
ever since i relapsed i do this thing where i slowly mentally count the cals of something i want to eat in my head. it’s fucking with me.
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Posted 07 March 2022 - 04:53 PM
my mom is also going back to work in person tmrw so luckily i’ll be able to skip breakfast and lunch without her noticing. and my dad doesn’t even pay attention to me eating, not his fault tho.
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Posted 08 March 2022 - 08:53 AM
ive lost .6lb give or take. happy about that! my scale didn’t work properly in the floor of my room, it works better in the bathroom. which, because i’m a dum dum i spent all night weighing myself in my bedroom not realizing. but i have to keep my scale in my bedroom so my parents don’t see it.
anyway my entire plan is to fast the rest of the week and read a bunch of books and listen to music. i’m currently reading lolita by vladimir nabokov and my year of rest and relaxation. also journal.
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Posted 08 March 2022 - 08:03 PM
i just don’t think my ed is valid enough. i’m a healthy weight but i absolutely hate it, i want to be full on emaciated. that’s sick and disgusting but it’s the truth. i want to be sick enough so my thoughts match my body. my therapist has told me that’s not healthy, and that my ed symptoms currently will only increase if i actually do become emaciated, but i do not care. i don’t want to lose a “healthy” amount of weight slowly and be even healthier, i want to keep restricting. i’m a fucking asshole for it but it’s not critical right now. it’s not as bad as it could be. i want it to get worse. just to see what happens. i have a morbid curiosity of what it would be like to reach my gw through my current means of restricting and fasting.
i’m a fucking asshole. a sick disturbing fucking asshole. i’m an awful person. a horrible person for wishing all this. because as much as i hate to admit it, my actions do affect the people around me.
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Posted 09 March 2022 - 09:35 PM
has that affected your ED?
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Posted 07 March 2022 - 01:19 PM
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Posted 07 March 2022 - 01:27 PM
It definitely contributed to my ed
I feel it took away from the social aspect of eating that most normal people understand ig
And once I turned about 13 my mom increasingly got annoyed that she had to cook for me (my mom being the only other household member)
And eventually took a stance of "if you were really hungry you'd make something yourself"
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Posted 07 March 2022 - 01:27 PM
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Posted 07 March 2022 - 01:50 PM
well usually no but my mom cooks dinner often and my sister makes sure I eat with her otherwise she'll rat me out.. but recently since my mom found out i've been restricting she's been sitting with me at dinner and she's also very triggering to me because all she eats is fruit and eggs... so yeah idk she contributes a lot to my ed I guess.
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Posted 07 March 2022 - 01:56 PM
When I had my ED as a teenager we would have family dinner sometimes, I was in sports and my sister was too, so we were always running around. If we did have family dinners I would eat very little.
But now I'm married and I do family dinners with my husband, but of course I don't have to eat or i can eat something else. It's so much easier as an adult.
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Posted 07 March 2022 - 02:20 PM
we have them a few times a week but usually I can get out of them I do feel guilty not eating with my family tho even tho most of the time my excuses are legit
but when we eat out I almost never go bc I hate waiting to purge til I get home and cant purge in less than 10min so it would be more obvious
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Posted 07 March 2022 - 02:24 PM
I think like once a year at most. Takes away from the social aspect of it I guess. When my ed first started it made it easier to forget about eating all together. Got lazy to make anything and lost interest in it since there wasn't really any actual connection tied to food so It was easier to push away the hunger back then.
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Posted 07 March 2022 - 04:11 PM
I'm an adult living with my parents. If it were up to my dad, we'd eat 3 meals a day together. That is too weird and awkward for me, so I skip breakfast and eat lunch before my parents. We eat dinner together every night. I get to suggest meal ideas, but most healthy meals are viewed as not enough.. like soup needs bread to go with it and pasta needs garlic bread and or sausage. I'm vegetarian, but they have to have meat or it's not a full meal. It means I end up restricting more during the day or purging dinner to make up for the meals being unhealthy.
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Posted 07 March 2022 - 05:20 PM
thank god no. that would be excruciating. they do't notice/care if I don't eat, only tell me they are 'concerned' I am too thin and occasionally try to scare me into recovery.
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Posted 07 March 2022 - 05:22 PM
Family dinners were only a thing until about 13 for me.. And the rare occasion we did have a family dinner afterwards, I'd look all pissy until I got sent away (lol) or I'd just do the "moving my food around but not actually eating" thing.
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Posted 07 March 2022 - 05:38 PM
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Posted 08 March 2022 - 12:16 AM
omg no. family dinners are so awkward in my family and my mom knows i wait to eat alone without anyone in the kitchen lol
(i remember i once rushed and got a bid a sorority and the girls were super nice but like not the kind of people i relate to at all. very old row/lilly pullitzer southern. The house mom was telling us about how they wanted everyone to be at the house for dinner everyday and no phones allowed because "families always eat dinner together and we're a family here!!"
and i was like nope we don't all come from that kind of family where we all love each other and want to eat together, my parents were always working or driving and it was a toxic household. and i knew these people wouldn't really understand me so i dropped the next day.)
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Posted 08 March 2022 - 12:41 AM
If I see mum or family friends for any special occasion it’s usually just a charcuterie board at mum’s place which is super safe.
We (mum, brother & sister) go out to a restaurant for the ‘kids’ birthdays, on mine we get sushi usually so it’s a safe meal & I just compensate with fasting for the others, I really enjoy nice food so it’s not that stressful for me; I know what is safe on most menus. My mum is a health/calorie nut & eats very intuitively so she understands if someone’s not hungry & it’s not weird to go out & either skip dinner or only have an entree.
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Posted 08 March 2022 - 04:47 AM
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Posted 08 March 2022 - 04:51 AM
lucky, we have dinner together EVERY night and I cant just not go to the kitchen because I help cook nd clean, and if I said I wasn't hungry they would all be like wtf. so I always eat whatever I can thats low cal without being suspicious
i miss purging
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Posted 07 March 2022 - 05:40 PM
i just miss it, how instantaneous the bad effects were. being light headed and feeling faint way quicker than i ever did fasting. and i can’t pretend im better now because i don’t b/p anymore, bc i started restricting and fasting to make up for the feeling of purging i miss. i don’t think i’ve gotten better regarding my ed, i think i just replaced one behavior with another.
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does your brain distort any compliment you’re given into a way to trigger your ed
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 02:05 PM
anyway i’m always second guessing when someone is nice to me because i take that as “oh my gosh. this will increase if you’re smaller!” and i just don’t process the idea that anyone could like me as i am and not want me to change.
i deliberately hoped he’d comment on my weight loss to trigger me, but he literally doesn’t give a fuck abt what i look like. i feel like such a terrible person for being so ungrateful over something so damn small. the fact that i’m writing an entire paragraph over four little words i couldn’t just interpret normally. i’m laughing as i type this and read this over. i am a legal adult why can’t i be mature enough to take a damn compliment and not use it as an excuse to relapse.
anyway. how abt y’all….
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 02:06 PM
Yup. If someone says I look well ED brain says, fat, they mean you look fat.
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 02:12 PM
yeah, literally anything someone says about me, be it positive or negative, my ed twists it into something triggering. like, when i've restricted well and am feeling skinny if someone compliments me it automatically means it's because of the weight loss. and then if someone compliments me when im feeling fat it doesn't feel genuine and i just think their making fun of me to purposfully make me emotional-eat and gain more
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 02:20 PM
omg yea!!! there are these girls back from high school who are like openly on edtwt and tweet about their eds and when they comment compliments under my ig posts i always feel validated bc they're disordered and still think i'm pretty lol. idk it makes me feel better about myself and it's so sick and deranged but it is what it is
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 02:30 PM
"They were just being nice"
"She just wanted to fill the awkward silence"
"The only reason he complimented you was because you lost weight today"
"They're lying"
"If they saw the number on the scale they wouldnt think you look good"
"He said 'good', not 'great' which means not good"
"Her perception is off, you arent the same size"
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 02:47 PM
Absolutely! Though I'm glad the compliments I receive are about my hair/makeup/style rather than my body itself, as those are things that are self expressive and under my complete control, if anyone from my family compliments me I immediately register it as a sign I look fat.
My mum once commented on my body calling it "perfect" and warning me not to lose any more weight when I was close to my hw. Though I appreciate the compliment, my ED certainly doesn't. Same thing with my grandma saying I look "well" or "healthy".
The concearned comments about being "so small I could stab you with a ruler and have it come out the other side" (we love some hyperbole in our friend group) are much more like compliments to me.
But in any case, yes, no matter the comment, positive or negative, I will turn it into an ED trigger.
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 03:13 PM
Could be from friends, family, anyone and anything.
Recently a psych even asked me :”what is your weight now? Has it remained normal or....?” And I replied “I don’t want to talk about it because it’s too high for me”, then he dictated to the lady who was typing “the patient still feels like her weight is too high” and all I heard was “weight is too high” and I was like, yep, I’m too fat, I need that bone sticking out. Fast forward to now, 2 weeks later, I’m seeing that bone, it’s not enough. I try not to think about how this ED fucks me up otherwise I just go crazy.
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 04:33 PM
Yes
When people say 'You are so tiny' I feel good (but also a little panicked they are on to me) but then my brain says 'just wait til you see how low I can go' snd it makes me want to lose more (not that I wasn't doing that already though)
If they tell me I look 'good' or 'healthy' I feel disgusting and know I need to lose more. And I will hide in baggy clothes for a good few weeks after. Thankfully I haven't heard this in a while
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 04:36 PM
literally yesterday i tried on one of my dresses that i haven't worn in a while and i showed my mom. she goes, "wow now it fits! when u wore it before it was too big!" my sick brain just turned that into, "you gained so much weight. this dress should still be too big."
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do you see an “ideal version” of yourself you could be that fuels your disorder?
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Posted 05 March 2022 - 08:44 PM
Basically:
—when you relapse into disordered eating habits, do you find yourself envisioning a version of you that is smaller and your ideal weight? besides looks, how else does this version of yourself differ from you? in personality, is it studious, smarter, more or less reckless, etc,.? is there a mental picture in your head of what you’d look and act like if you continued your habits, or not?
I’m just wondering, because ever since the age of 10 or 11 i’ve had this “ideal version” of myself. one that’s evolved from just a healthy skinny to full on emaciated.
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Posted 05 March 2022 - 09:04 PM
My ideal self has no curves or soft edges whatsoever
Is unaffected by the actions of other people in every way
And never makes any mistakes, is totally cold and calculating in every action
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Posted 05 March 2022 - 09:10 PM
And I imagine myself as more confident and more extroverted and outspoken.. like talking to people and being comfortable enough with myself to date. I imagine my ideal self all the time and I want it so bad.
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Posted 05 March 2022 - 09:20 PM
I relate to this idea of having an 'ideal' version of oneself so deeply. I am 26 years old, but I remember 'baptizing' myself (lol) every time I took at bath between the ages of 8 and 11, determined to become the most perfect version of myself. I've always envisioned myself being the smallest in my circle of friends, being the smartest, being the most elegant, and most put together. Despite having reached most (if not all) of these goals, I was MISERABLE. I am still miserable. It doesn't matter how 'perfect' you become. No one gives a fuck. Everyone moves on. Everyone continues living their lives. Who gives a fuck about how "perfect" you are. Your eating disorder is there to ruin your fucking life. That's what I've realized over the years..... That's the voice I am desperately trying to fight against... I am sick of it. I am sick of feeling inadequate and not good enough.
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Posted 05 March 2022 - 09:25 PM
I think I do. I think I believe I'll be able to be super underweight and emaciated but have my life in total control. I'll be able to manage emotions while feeling confident in a tiny body that most can't achieve. I'll be cool, calm and collected. Everyone will be in awe of my self control and I'll have my life totally put together. Which is ironic because it's always the opposite but yet I still buy into the ed telling me I can have that if I just listen to it.
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Posted 05 March 2022 - 09:30 PM
riniberri, on 05 Mar 2022 - 9:20 PM, said:
Everyone moves on. Everyone continues living their lives. Who gives a fuck about how "perfect" you are. Your eating disorder is there to ruin your fucking life. That's what I've realized over the years..... That's the voice I am desperately trying to fight against... I am sick of it. I am sick of feeling inadequate and not good enough.
In this nicest way possible, you sound like my therapist. I love my therapist, she’s a very level headed woman and I look up to her. Anyway, she told me—“if your skinny, is every single person who sees you going to know you’re sick?” She doesn’t try to feed into my ED thoughts at all but rather tries to help me see how disordered and distorted they are. She knows it is ruining my life. With EDs, instead of living ur life you’re reaching this goal of being a version of yourself that shuts the world out and denies it’s own needs because you think that version of yourself will help you live your life. It’s a weird contradiction. Living but not really living.
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Posted 05 March 2022 - 09:42 PM
Yes! LOL.I am absolutely quoting my therapist(s) in what I said. I just want to share what I've learned over the last year and half with everyone else who is going through the same hardship I've experienced NO ONE deserves this fucking monster in their head. No one deserves to be a fucking SLAVE to these unrealistic standards. NO ONE. All of you (you who is reading this) deserves the world and more. You deserve so much better than how your Ed is treating you.
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Posted 05 March 2022 - 09:44 PM
EvieZamora, on 05 Mar 2022 - 9:30 PM, said:
In this nicest way possible, you sound like my therapist. I love my therapist, she’s a very level headed woman and I look up to her. Anyway, she told me—“if your skinny, is every single person who sees you going to know you’re sick?” She doesn’t try to feed into my ED thoughts at all but rather tries to help me see how disordered and distorted they are. She knows it is ruining my life. With EDs, instead of living ur life you’re reaching this goal of being a version of yourself that shuts the world out and denies it’s own needs because you think that version of yourself will help you live your life. It’s a weird contradiction. Living but not really living.
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 01:43 AM
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 02:10 AM
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 06:01 AM
Yes, absolutely. My desire for perfection almost singlehandedly fuels it, outside of the control. When I am hungry, I am my ideal self. When I am full, I act so.. differently. I'm just not me, if that makes sense.
In personality, my ideal self is ladylike, proper, mature, and kind. Someone who you can rely on, someone soft spoken, angelic, and many other things. I want to radiate the same energy as the main female character in old Disney movies (e.g. Maid Marian).
Physically, I want to be extremely thin, delicate, and elegant. There is a certain beauty that thinness has, and my ideal self wouldn't be perfect without it.
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 06:05 AM
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 06:39 AM
cw: 56.5kg
lw: 46.3kg
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 06:46 AM
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 08:42 AM
In a way I've always had an ideal version of myself. I've always daydreamed a lot, but the version of myself I imagine isn't me. It's a better version of me. But it's not just about weight, in fact, I think my ideal version of myself would be recovered lol. Or I guess I have multiple? For different 'purposes', different scenarios I create.
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 10:32 AM
“you can’t put a price on your body. after all, you only have one!”
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 05:50 AM
this is a quote from the american tv show House of Payne. Basically the plot of the episode is that a woman (ella) hires an expensive personal trainer so she can focus on herself, and he’s really nice and encouraging. at the same time she’s trying to hide it from her husband bc of the cost, so he thinks she’s cheating. they’re my fave characters on the show bc they’re so funny.
Idk, this quote just encourages me to exercise. and also to rationalize buying a scale and body fat caliper when i know that will be triggering to me. i lack a healthy self image so of course i’m going to use some really nice advice to justify my own behaviors. anyway, what do you take away from this quote? exercise? a healthy diet? how do you interpret it?
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 06:01 AM
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 06:08 AM
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Posted 06 March 2022 - 06:46 AM
LunaInWonderland, on 06 Mar 2022 - 06:01 AM, said:
Without context, it makes me think that it’s important to take care of and be kind to your body because it is irreplaceable. It is meant to carry you through your whole life.
that’s beautiful and really wise actually
having an immigrant parent trying to understand your ed
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Posted 24 February 2022 - 08:20 PM
i think in general, our cultures sort of clash. my mom has had to adapt to an american way of life by using food to preserve her own background. whereas i’m a “mix” of both positive parts of her culture surrounding food like cooking for others and harmful coping mechanisms using food ive taken up to cope with trauma in my life. and i always feel like i’m too american and not enough east african for her-i can barely even speak swahili lol. and i consider me relapsing with my ED to be as “american” as possible—far from my mom’s cultural ideas around food, which only makes me feel more ashamed about struggling with an ED.
anyone else? idk. maybe someone here understands. just the general stress of not feeling like you live up to your parents expectations because of having a different cultural background from them.
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Posted 24 February 2022 - 08:45 PM
I totally relate. My dad's Chinese-filipino and told me early on in my ED that he couldn't believe someone would "choose" to starve themselves because food was so scarce for him growing up. He also came from a culture that didn't complain about their problems or mental health because he "had other things like surviving and making a living in America to worry about."
I don't doubt he went through some extremely rough times as a kid, and even more so as an Asian immigrant in America, dealing with surviving, racism, etc.... but I just wish he kept an open mind and wasn't so quick to criticize mental health as a whole.
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"Eating Disorder Recovery becomes possible when you keep making the next right decision over and over. With time, these decisions become automatic. "
I wanna recover but I also don't?
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Posted 25 February 2022 - 11:27 AM
I hear you.. my mom thinks she's "sooo American" but her values are completely off base with the locals. she understands what ED which I am grateful for but doesn't understand mental health otherwise and will get personally offended and laugh and make fun of me if i bring up therapy/medications. Will say things like "don't go to therapy that's only for schizophrenics" or will make it about herself and say "what did we ever do wrong! you're so ungrateful"... etc. and the emotional abuse comes out after.
I really went full "American" as possible too even though i don't hate my cultural roots, i just have a weird mental block against them. She wants me to be "american" in a career way but not in a social way but I don't know.. if my origin culture doesn't accept me for who i am but the local place i live in does... i'm just not going to bend over backwards to make my parents' culture happy
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Posted 27 February 2022 - 12:04 AM
I feel the same way!! My foster parent is from Burundi and she has nooooo concept of what an eating disorder is. It's common for her to not only use a heap ton of oil when cooking, but also have whole events centered around food. For her, food and family are connected. Which is probably why me having such rigorous rules and refusing what she cooks out of fear marks me as "not a part of the family"
In contrast, my biological family was Polish and they knew what an ED was, but they viewed it as a purely "american" concept and snubbed me for being sick.
Sending you my love and support, it's hard to live this way
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Posted 27 February 2022 - 03:28 AM
My grandma has actually come a long way with understanding american stuff. She still can't understand all the inappropriate TV lol but she can understand the mental health and stuff for other people. But she will NEVER admit that anyone in the family has a problem like that because it's "too shameful"
“In this distorted world, I’m slowly becoming transparent and vanishing. ”
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Posted 27 February 2022 - 05:40 AM
In my case my immigrant parent was actually more understanding about my ED than my non immigrant parent. She didn't understand it completely, being asian,where eating disorders arent really talked about, but she was very open minded and tried to understand it from my point of view.
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Posted 27 February 2022 - 08:47 AM
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Posted 20 February 2022 - 09:57 PM
my therapist informed my parents about my ED with my consent, and they’re trying to be supportive but still, my ED is hard to let go of. it’s sort of a safety blanket for me, the thing i cling to when i’m stressed about life and all. im in a pretty bad relapse at the moment, and i just want to talk to people online who understand.
currently i’ve already graduated high school early (senior year) and i’m planning to head to college. i hope to major in medicine. i don’t really have all the kinks worked out.
i’ve also been through quite a bit of trauma over the years as a child, and that’s sort of how my ED started. i suppose i was trying to blunt the emotions i felt, and it worked out so well, i grew into that depressive numbness lol. i’ve also been diagnosed with severe depression and ptsd, which i’m currently recovering from as i do therapy sessions.
i really love lana del rey, fashion, old movies, and watching the tv show euphoria at the moment.
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