Counting Calories 5'8" 153-?(CW: 125.0, Progress Pics)

Started by surrealicity, Sep 26 2016 07:30 AM

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#1 surrealicity

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Posted 26 September 2016 - 07:30 AM

Hi, thanks for visiting! I'm surrealicity, an 19 year old girl who is in her first year of college. I've had various EDs since I was 11 or 12, haven't been diagnosed since my first diagnosis. I'd prefer to keep it that way

I am not really following a diet, to be honest. I just eat as little as I can and purge whenever I eat over ~600 calories. I started out exercising, but I've been exhausted lately so I don't go as often as I want.

My first picture I posted is from 9/21/16 at 153 lbs.

I am currently: 125.0

I'm feeling nerdy so I'm going to post checkpoint weights as Pokemon

135.6

130.1

125.7

Aaaaaand my goal for 2017

Leave a comment if you'd like, or just scroll through; I don't mind either way

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I haven't been really counting calories, at least not to the point of recording them. And I've been very slowly dropping a few pounds but it really just isn't fast enough. So I'm just going to post my weight, intake, etc on here and a picture every Wednesday.

My weight was at 149 on Friday, and I haven't weighed myself over the weekend because I was at home and binged on fair food >.< I already suffered last night (I fucking hate puking. Purging is different. Sick-puking is the most disgusting, terrible feeling ever) but I still feel bloated and gross so I'll weigh myself after my next BM.

9/26/16
Total: 600

Breakfast: 344
2 slices raisin swirl french toast: 214
Sugar free syrup: 30
1.5 cup raspberries: 100

Snack: 255
19 veggie chips: 65
Coconut bar: 190

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#2 surrealicity

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Posted 26 September 2016 - 07:32 AM

Picture from Wednesday, 9-21-16

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5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#3 blackfire

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Posted 26 September 2016 - 10:31 AM

that waist tho

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#4 surrealicity

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Posted 26 September 2016 - 11:55 AM

blackfire, on 26 Sept 2016 - 10:31 AM, said:

that waist tho

Lol thanks hopefully I can stay proportional when I lose the 30-40 pounds of fat I'm aiming for

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#5 surrealicity

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Posted 27 September 2016 - 06:49 AM

I weighed in this morning at 150.6, which isn't as bad as I expected with the bloat I'm still experiencing. I'm trying to avoid taking a laxative for how stopped up I am since I realllllly don't need to be dependent on those again.

Over the past week, my social anxiety has gotten exponentially worse. I never before would claim to have anxiety of any kind, but idk, I don't know what else to call it when trying to leave my dorm results in shaking and crying and hyperventilating. It gets worse throughout the day too; I'm sitting in the dining hall during breakfast typing this now and I feel uncomfortable but not incapacitated. On the plus side, I can't eat when I get too anxious. Woo. Silver lining.

9/27/16

Total: 400

Weight: 150.6

Exercise:

30 minutes treadmill 5mph

30 minutes lateral elliptical

Breakfast: 400 (369)

Chicken sausage: 96

Scrambled eggs: 107

1 oz greek yogurt: 18

1 oz salsa: 10

3 oz hashbrown: 83

1/4 lemon muffin: 55

*All calorie counts come from my school's website, and most counts are listed per ounces so I try to be as accurate as possible and round up

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#6 surrealicity

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Posted 28 September 2016 - 07:27 AM

I was supposed to be at this weight on Monday, so I'm disappointed in myself for being late. My goal for Monday the 3rd is 145. I am going home over the weekend so I may fast for the rest of the day through Friday to try and damage control before the family meals. I'm planning on going to the gym today in about an hour and a half if my joints feel up to it; I don't need to be damaging myself (lol)

9/28/16;

Total: 720

Weight: 148.6(-2.0)

Exercise:

20 min treadmill speed-walking with incline

20 min lateral elliptical

Breakfast: 400 (365)

4 fried potato pancakes: 160

1/2 pancake: 50

Hard boiled egg: 80

Bite pumpkin bread: 45

Sugar free syrup: 10

Tbs ketchup: 20

Lunch: 320 (ughh. Tried to purge but for some reason only acid came up?.. Usually I'm great at purging. I gave up early)

Leg and thigh chicken: 320

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#7 surrealicity

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Posted 28 September 2016 - 11:20 AM

Bodycheck today. Looks exactly the same as last week

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5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#8 surrealicity

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Posted 29 September 2016 - 07:57 PM

Ate like a fatass today. Purged some but will still count calories like I didn't. I didn't even exercise today. I am two pounds down from yesterday but I'm worried for my weight tomorrow

9/29/16

Total: 813

Weight: 146.6(-2.0)

Breakfast: 613

Blueberry Muffin: 251

Boiled Egg: 77

Biscuit: 194

Gravy: 91

Snack: ~200

Lemon Crepe

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#9 surrealicity

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Posted 30 September 2016 - 05:22 AM

I've lost weight from yesterday somehow. I feel like the junk I ate with the lack of my colon emptying for the last few days should've packed on the pounds, but I'm actually very close to how much I'm scheduled to weigh on Monday. I love this feeling, so much. I hate how high my intakes have been but honestly this feels pretty sustainable. My binge urges have been weak enough for me to resist. I want to at least get to 125, and see how I feel from there. I've never been below 138 because of my family (my fucking PCP, who specializes in ED's, said I should be hospitalized if I ever get to 135 -______- That's a BMI of 20.5, btw. I have a very wide bone structure so I understand to others I look a little lighter than I am but 135 is ridiculous) Luckily, I don't see that doctor anymore since I'm 18 and away at college.

I probably don't look very happy right now, sitting in a corner of my dining hall with dark circles under my eyes and an inability to smile for some reason today, but underneath this fatigue and stress and blurriness I'm happy. I know I am.

9/30/16
Total: TBA
Weight: 145.8(-0.8)

Breakfast: 207
3 oz hashbrowns: 167
10 strawberries: 40

Lunch:200
4-5 nachos, not sure of calories so I'll say 200

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#10 surrealicity

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Posted 02 October 2016 - 07:41 PM

Went home for the weekend, binged and purged like a fatass. Currently in the stomach pain portion of laxative abuse, waiting for that shit to move to my colon. I'm scared to weigh myself tomorrow. I will definitely be fasting this week.

I'm supposed to be around 145 tomorrow, and aiming for 141 next Monday. I won't be going home for a month, and I'm scheduled to be between 134-131 then. I might get in trouble with my family then lol

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#11 surrealicity

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Posted 03 October 2016 - 04:27 AM

I'm two pounds up from Friday. I was hoping the laxatives would lower the number a bit but I guess not... I'm going to the gym today and a~~m not going to eat over 300 calories~~. Preferably I'll fast. This number needs to go down.

Edit at 2:22: I've gotten into a habit of eating breakfast every morning and did the same today to shut my stomach up.Unfortunately I didn't look up the menu beforehand like I usually do, and ended up underestimating the calories... Ugh. It could be worse, but still

10/3/16

Total: TBA

Weight: 147.8(+2.0)

Breakfast: 411

3 french toast sticks: 330

2 turkey sausage links: 81

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#12 surrealicity

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Posted 03 October 2016 - 12:01 PM

So, I finished the work I needed done for school today and decided that I needed some more structure. I looked up the menu for what my Uni will be serving, and made a plan I will follow.

I might add a boiled egg, side salad, or fruit as needed when I actually log each day; I'm aiming to keep each day under 600

If the dining hall suddenly serves sweet potato fries I am allowed 500 calories worth and nothing else because I love that shit

~~Week's Meal Plan Oct 4- Oct 10~~

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#13 surrealicity

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Posted 04 October 2016 - 07:12 AM

I'm trying to edit my post from yesterday but MPA is apparently still fucked up sooooo.... I ended up going to the gym, then ate 813 calories of pizza and ice cream which I purged to acid. Total intake was 1224. Not sure how much I got up so I'll record it like I got nothing up.

I woke up late today so I'm modifying my plan and not having the chicken sausage. After yesterday, I don't need it anyway.. I'm shocked I'm actually down 1.6 from yesterday

10/4/16

Total: 320

Weight: 146.2(-1.6)

I ended up not eating lunch either; the website showed that the dining hall was 80% full when I was thinking about going to lunch, and I had class coming up, so I opted to just stay out of the crowd and work on hw. I only just finished an essay that's due in 3 minutes so I didn't have time for lunch after class either. I haven't decided if I will be getting dinner yet; I have an exam tomorrow morning so I sort of just want to hide in my dorm and study for that. Maybe go to sleep really early.

Snack: 50

10 veggie chips

Dinner: 270

Naked Green Machine smoothie

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#14 surrealicity

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Posted 05 October 2016 - 05:35 AM

I haven't had a BM in a few days and it is sort of getting on my nerves.. I'll try drinking more water I guess. I'm going to the gym today after my classes are done and will try to stay for an hour and a half. I am really disappointed with myself in how much I've been eating. I am leaning towards just not eating dinner tonight even tho I planned it (I have a feeling I won't be following that plan much lol)

10/5/16
Total: 862
Weight: 145.6(-0.6)

Exercise- 75 minutes

40 minutes treadmill(mix of jogging, high incline speed walking, and a short sprint)

23 minutes lateral elliptical

12 minutes regular elliptical

Breakfast: 252
1 pancake: 100
1.5c berries: 75
Boiled egg: 77

Dinner: 610(some purging, nothing intense)

1/2 personal pizza: 280

Side salad: 100

Cup chicken noodle soup: 60

PB cookie:170

I almost didn't go to the gym. I was so fucking close to not going. I had really struggled walking from my last class to my dorm with the urge to go into the dining hall (I passed 3 on my way back >.<) and binge tf on the junkiest food they have, so I was scared I was going to leave for the gym and just go to a dining hall instead. I did it tho. I went to the damn gym and sweat like a damn pig and came very close to passing out(lateral ellipticals are intense if you squat on them xD I had to stop after only a minute of squatting because I got so dizzy) but I did it.

And then I went to the dining hall and ate like a pig <_< I'm honestly not sure how I could eat as much as I did; I always feel really sick after I exercise and I never have an appetite but part of me was really hungry I guess. Luckily the post exercise nausea prevented me from bingeing too out of control. I had to walk the mile back to my dorm and ended up throwing up a bit on the side of the road because speed walking up hills doesn't mix well with a huge meal lol. The cookie pisses me off the most; I grabbed it as I was leaving because I worked hard, a little cookie couldn't hurt! The damn cookie was close to 200 calories. It was yummy but not worth 200 calories

According to my fitbit I walked a bit over 21,000 steps and burned 3000 calories, and that's without logging that I exercised(which I never do). I don't really trust the calorie count on this thing but I'm fairly certain my TDEE was over 862 for the day so I'll try not to worry a ton about eating so much

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#15 surrealicity

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Posted 05 October 2016 - 08:59 AM

Body check today. I am 3 pounds less than last week's, 8-9 pounds less than two weeks ago. I still look exactly the same

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#16 surrealicity

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Posted 06 October 2016 - 07:44 AM

Down 1.2lbs! I even managed to have a small, struggled BM today lol. I can still feel the constipation cramps so I know there's stuff up there but at least something came out. I was getting desperate.

On my plan I made I'm supposed to eat dinner, but I want to go to the gym later and I can't work out if I have eaten recently, and the halls get busy after I exercise, so I might go for an early lunch today. I didn't think the plan through very well lol

10/6/16

Total: TBA

Weight: 144.4(-1.2)

Lunch: 200

Crinkle cut french fries

Dinner: 800 (Definitely got all the ice cream out and some pasta)

Pasta with alfredo sauce and veggies

Scoop ice cream

I didn't end up working out because my hip is really hurting, and I don't need to make myself immobile. I ate a pretty normal sized meal I guess but I purged a good amount out so I'm not too worried; the total intake of 1000 is below my BMR. Maybe the extra food in my system can help my constipation. I really need to go get a fiber supplement

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#17 surrealicity

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Posted 07 October 2016 - 06:30 AM

I'm skipping class today because it is rainy day weather and I really didn't want to go. I had a bigger breakfast than I wanted, but I'll take caffeine pills and curb my appetite so I don't binge for the rest of the day. I only lost .4 lbs from yesterday and that's really not okay; I need to be down 3 by Monday. I'm going to the gym with a friend tonight which is good!

10/7/16

Total: TBA

Weight: 144.0(-0.4)

Breakfast: 400

Pancake: 100

Egg: 80

Hashbrowns: 170

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#18 surrealicity

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Posted 07 October 2016 - 08:30 AM

I was bored and did a body check. One picture is standing normally, the other is slightly thrusting my hips back to lengthen my legs. I'm hoping to have a real thigh gap within 10 pounds.. I think it is possible with my body shape

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#19 surrealicity

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Posted 07 October 2016 - 06:23 PM

Okay apparently I can't edit my posts?? Here's the rest of today

Total: 820

Weight: 144.0

Dinner: 420 (purged some, appeared to be most of the pasta)

Pasta: 250

One chicken strip: 120

Grilled veggies: 50

9:20 PM: Well, I didn't go to the gym; the friend I was supposed to go with bailed and then another friend needed a ride(I had to go to this place anyway) so I ended up eating dinner. I feel disgusting for how much I ate.

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#20 surrealicity

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Posted 08 October 2016 - 08:01 AM

Some morning body checks:P Even though I am not skinny, I have a wide rib cage and large hips so it's always satisfying to see them protruding (even if I am lying down and cheating haha)

I'm not sucking in and not trying to stretch any further than lying down makes one stretch. It would be much more impressive if I looked like this standing :/

(didn't the lighting come out pretty cool? )

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

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Counting Calories 5'8" 153-?(CW: 125.0, Progress Pics)

Started by surrealicity, Sep 26 2016 07:30 AM

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#121 surrealicity

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Posted 27 February 2017 - 07:47 AM

Body checks cus why not

I thought my hip looked cool in that last one lol

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#122 surrealicity

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Posted 28 February 2017 - 08:46 AM

Quick update with crap formatting: 126.6 today, ate a shit ton for breakfast(800 calories) so aiming not to eat again

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#123 NicholeZero

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Posted 28 February 2017 - 11:02 AM

Hey
You say things like 'welp' and 'holy cannoli'
You're basically me
I'm following you

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Love&Flight

H: 5' 6.5"
CW: 149.7 (BMI 23.8)
GW: 140 (BMI 22.3)
HW: 178.9 (BMI 28.3)
LW: 98 (BMI 15.6)

GW 1: 140 (BMI 22.3) GW 2: 130 (BMI 20.7) GW 3: 120 (BMI 19.1) UGW : 115 (BMI 18.3)
~Accountability~

#124 surrealicity

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Posted 01 March 2017 - 03:45 PM

Alright. Last night I b/ped several times, felt like crap then and this morning. I still lost a teensy bit of weight, but I'm losing hope in reaching 122 by the end of this week. Maybe when I lax tomorrow night there will be a miracle. I'm pretty exhausted, so I think I'm gonna go to sleep earlier tonight. I might drag myself to the gym in a few hours if I get the energy. At least I finished up my big test today, so I don't need to worry about brain fuel lol. Let's hope for 125 tomorrow!

3/1/17

Total: TBA

Weight: 126.2(-0.4)

Breakfast: 330

French toast: 70

Oatmeal: 140

Berries: 60

Ham: 60

Lunch: 300

Mashed potatos: 100

Beef: 200

Ramen and key lime pie b/p, ugh

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#125 surrealicity

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Posted 02 March 2017 - 07:26 AM

Y'all. I weigh exactly 125.0 today. Omg. I was positive after my b/p I was going to gain, at least be bloated from the sodium. But nope. 125. I'm so close to 122 I can taste it. 3 more pounds. I'm laxing tonight, so hopefully I'll drop another whole pound for tomorrow. See my "clean" weight. I am on clouds rn <3

I'm planning on eating a burrito bowl sort of thing for lunch/dinner today, which will be a good chunk of calories but fairly healthy ones. Not sure what I'm doing about breakfast yet, if at all. I made an IG so I feel like I have to go get something and take a pretty picture of it lol

3/2/17

Total: TBA

Weight: 125.0(-1.2)

Breakfast: 150

fried egg: 100

bite of muffin: 50

Lunch: 550(p)

Chicken thigh and leg: 250

Rice: 130

Beans: 70

Other: 100

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#126 surrealicity

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Posted 13 March 2017 - 06:20 PM

First day back at school after spring break. Scared to weigh myself, but tomorrow I'll do it. Pretty depressed rn, and bloated

3/13/17

Total: 500

Weight: Unknown

Lunch: 240

1/2 cup whole wheat pasta with marinara

3/4 small chicken breast

~6 green beans

Dinner: 260

2x oatmeal packets: 260

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#127 surrealicity

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Posted 15 March 2017 - 06:52 AM

Forgot to update yesterday. I ate like a normal person and purged almost all of it. Weighed 127.8. Weighed 127.8 again today. I'm ready to get back to 125, then continue on to 115. Let's do this

3/15/17

Total: TBA

Weight: 127.8(+-0)

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My Accountability

5'8"

(8/11/16) Started College at 164 lbs

(9/26/16) Started Accountability at 153 lbs

Currently 112.4

#128 Hangry Potter

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Posted 26 April 2017 - 08:39 PM

Followed! stay safe, hun <3

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LW: 138

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180's to 140's since November '18 - GW 105 (30+ y/o)

Started by MoreOrLess, Dec 19 2018 09:49 PM

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#1 MoreOrLess

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Posted 19 December 2018 - 09:49 PM

I've debated whether or not to do a post in here but here goes. I'm a mom in my 30's and I denied I was in relapse for months, but now I've accepted it. I thought I'd have my shit together with this ED by now but apparently not lol!

I was around 105 lbs last year but had a huge flare up of some medical conditions and my heart and kidneys failed. I was on bedrest for a YEAR and the meds and inactivity caused significant weight gain. I just cannot get comfortable in my body at this weight, so my anorexia has come back full force. Since I was in recovery I didn't have a scale but knew I was my highest weight ever. When I got my scale last week, that was proven right. I'm doing much better medically now but I'm totally miserable mentally with this weight on. I was 181 at a doctor's appointment in November 2018. So I've gotten a good head start on this. Just gotta keep going.

Stats -
HT: 5'5"
SW: 167.6
CW:162.2
LW: 79
GW1: 125
GW2: 105

I guess we'll see from there if I want to continue losing, or just work on maintaining. I just really want to get back to where I was last year and see how I feel then. Since I've got kids I am not going to let myself go too far. I need to be here for them. They're the only reason I've managed to stay in recovery so long, and they're the reason why I won't let myself get too unhealthy again. 105 is a good compromise. But I've gotta find myself again.

Here we go!

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#2 MoreOrLess

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Posted 19 December 2018 - 09:59 PM

My plan is basically all restriction since I'm medically not supposed to exercise. I am doing some calisthenics but have to avoid cardio until my heart meds are stabilized.

* Daily intake limit: <500 cals
* NO PURGING (I tend to purge if I eat more than 200 cals in a sitting)
* Exercise minimum: 50 crunches, 50 leg lifts (each), 20 push ups, plus any extras I feel like doing
* 64oz of water. This is a hard one because I'm scared of water weight but I know it's better to drink water.

Today I've met all those goals again, except the water. Going on day 8 of keeping these and so far I've lost 5.4lbs. Most days I'm around 200-250 cals but today was 313. I still feel okay with it because it was all safe foods.

I'm hoping to see 161 tomorrow. 160 would be even better.

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#3 MoreOrLess

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Posted 20 December 2018 - 10:10 AM

This morning's weight: 160.9
Headed in the right direction still!

Calories so far: 0
But I'm about to drink some coffee (40)

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#4 Onaari

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Posted 20 December 2018 - 10:38 AM

Hey I just wanted to wish you good luck!

And try to take it easy if you have a heart condition. (Since you're going for a pretty big deficit)

Take care

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#5 ghostresource

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Posted 20 December 2018 - 11:12 AM

Hey hon. That sounds like a traumatic year. I know nobody needs to tell you to take care and keep an ear on your body, but. You know. Fellow merry-go-round occupant, just worrying about ya <3

8 days straight is pretty stunning, sounds like you've just plummeted straight back down into the rabbit hole. I hope the consistent weight loss is keeping your mood good! Outta interest, what bugs you so much about the water? The more I drink the more I shed and better I feel (okay but I'm so far so fat so I get that you don't want to hear from me on things I wouldn't) and always have, so I'm just interested in what happens in others peoples heads who don't like it.

XX G

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5'8"

HW: 185 (Feb 2020)

CW: 159

LW: In. The. Past. I can't even put it here because seeing the difference will have me crying hysterically.

GW:120

#6 MoreOrLess

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Posted 20 December 2018 - 12:56 PM

Onaari, on 20 Dec 2018 - 10:38 AM, said:

Hey I just wanted to wish you good luck!
And try to take it easy if you have a heart condition. (Since you're going for a pretty big deficit)
Take care

Thanks ❤ I do need to figure out if my heart can even handle such a deficit, because as much I love the weight loss, I need to make sure I'm staying as healthy as possible.

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#7 MoreOrLess

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Posted 20 December 2018 - 01:06 PM

ghostresource, on 20 Dec 2018 - 11:12 AM, said:

Hey hon. That sounds like a traumatic year. I know nobody needs to tell you to take care and keep an ear on your body, but. You know. Fellow merry-go-round occupant, just worrying about ya <3

8 days straight is pretty stunning, sounds like you've just plummeted straight back down into the rabbit hole. I hope the consistent weight loss is keeping your mood good! Outta interest, what bugs you so much about the water? The more I drink the more I shed and better I feel (okay but I'm so far so fat so I get that you don't want to hear from me on things I wouldn't) and always have, so I'm just interested in what happens in others peoples heads who don't like it.

XX G

I've actually lost about 15 lbs since starting this whole mess again a few months ago but it was slow going at first. It started with a lot of purging which really screws up my weight loss. Something switched 2 weeks ago where I went from purging after most meals to just not eating. I think subconsciously I figured if I didn't consume anything, the purging would stop. So I fasted a couple days and that was all it took to fall head first back into anorexia. Maybe fucked up logic, but anorexia is safer in the short term for my heart than purging all the time. It's just been... easy. Unfortunately.

Water never used to scare me and I also lose more when I'm hydrated. I know this rationally. But it's this stupid fear of water weight. I've got to push through it though because dehydration is really, really bad for my heart and I know that. I just have to figure out a way to avoid the scale throughout the day and only weigh in the morning.

Thanks for understanding! And I will take any and all advice and support

Especially from someone who's been around as long as I have.

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Posted 20 December 2018 - 01:15 PM

I'm freaking out. I just ate 100 calories, which would be okay if it was safe foods. But it was 1/2 a piece of pizza. PIZZA. It feels like a binge even though I know in my head it's not. It's just 100 calories... It's just 100 calories. And my brain needs a little fat. It's okay...

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Posted 20 December 2018 - 06:56 PM

Finishing the day at 321 calories.
And did way better on water today.
On to another day...

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Posted 20 December 2018 - 10:53 PM

I got hungry. That rarely happens! So I ate a cucumber with a pinch of salt. 16 more calories for the day.

I think I'll stick with this calorie deficit until the New Year, allowing a full 1000 on Christmas if I can bring myself to eat that much, and then increase to 800 for a while in January so that I don't totally fuck up my metabolism even more than it already is. Though... this is all good in theory. I know that it's a good idea to increase intake for at least a few days, but I'm not entirely sure I'll be able to force myself over 500 calories.

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#11 ghostresource

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Posted 21 December 2018 - 08:32 AM

Deficits are good but hearts are better <3

Cucumber and salt ommmmmmmmmmmmmm

Take care <3<3

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Fat girl

5'8"

HW: 185 (Feb 2020)

CW: 159

LW: In. The. Past. I can't even put it here because seeing the difference will have me crying hysterically.

GW:120

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Posted 21 December 2018 - 10:19 AM

ghostresource, on 21 Dec 2018 - 08:32 AM, said:

Deficits are good but hearts are better <3
Cucumber and salt ommmmmmmmmmmmmm
Take care <3<3

Haha you're so right about that!

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Posted 21 December 2018 - 10:23 AM

161.1

Bad part about weighing all the time is that it's super frustrating when it goes up by 0.2 after a 337 calorie day. My mind immediately reminds me "I drank 64 oz of water yesterday and I bet it'd be lower if I hadn't"...

So today's goal is to stick with the plan and not fast out of reaction to the scale.

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Posted 21 December 2018 - 06:32 PM

I've eaten exactly 500 calories today, which is pretty high for me but I'm gonna try to be okay with that. I'm really feeling the urge to say fuck it and eat another 200 and purge. But I haven't purged in over a week and wanna keep it that way. Ugh.

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Posted 21 December 2018 - 08:16 PM

I thought it'd pass but I still am needing to bp... It's all I can think about.

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Posted 21 December 2018 - 10:33 PM

Welp. I bp'ed... 500-600 calories and right back up. I'm not even sure I feel guilty about it. I feel better. Calmer. It is what it is. Broke my no purging streak though, so back at it tomorrow.

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#17 into the void

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Posted 22 December 2018 - 10:37 AM

I'm a 30 y.o. mom relapsing too. Following to share love & support. <33

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h: 6'1"
hbmi: 30.6 (2003)
lbmi: 15.9 (2013)
cbmi: 25.4 🤢

LIFE FASTING & MFP: intothevoid22
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Posted 22 December 2018 - 10:55 AM

160.3

I'm at 0 calories and staying there until dinner. At that point I'll have 150 calories or less. Maybe I'll just fast. I don't know.

I reconnected with an old friend. She knew me back when my anorexia was at its worst. We met in a community like this one back in 2003 and have stayed in touch since then. We haven't really talked in like a year though because both our lives just got crazy. Anyways, we supported each other through our eating disorders, through treatment centers, and ultimately recovery and motherhood. I kinda feel like a failure though because she's still strong in her recovery and I'm clearly not.

On the other hand, someone else I met in a residential center has also relapsed. We actually dated and were engaged back in 2006 but I really wanted recovery at the time and she didn't. We didn't help each other with our anorexia or drug problems, so I ended up leaving her. I got better and she didn't right away. We are both married to other people now but we talk occasionally and I know she recovered for a couple years but has been back in her anorexia for a while now. I'm actually worried about her because she hasn't been in touch for a bit and last we talked her weight was critically low.

I'm rambling. But basically I feel like a failure on both ends today. I suck at recovery and I suck at the eating disorder because I'm huge. Part of me wants to suck at the eating disorder but part of me wants to prove (to myself) that I can lose the weight again and stay in control this time. There's a battle. I see my friends from treatment - not just these two - on both ends of the spectrum. Some recovered and living life, and some relapsed and struggling. I can see that recovery offers a better life overall but I just cannot let it go! I'm the unicorn who's gonna control the anorexia and live a good life.