I wish I had cancer
#1 
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Posted 03 July 2021 - 07:54 PM
I wish I had cancer. Cancer is horrible and tragic, but I wish I had an excuse for myself. I am such a damn failure and my ED is just not an excuse for how much I have been falling behind and letting my life go. I hate watching myself lose my grip on my PhD program because I can't stop fucking eating and puking it up. I'm anxious about literally everything, I mean I'm panicking because of damn fireworks rn like a dog, and none of that is an excuse for me being such a fucking failure. It's all in my head, and it just confirms to me, and to my peers, that I am stupid and lazy and can't accomplish shit because of my own personal failings. I have so much pride, and can't stand having others think of me as lazy or undiligent, but I was supposed to be writing all day today and instead spent 90$ on food and watched tv all day while endlessly thinking about what I SHOULD be doing and how much I hate myself
I know eating disorders are not a choice, but it sure feels like one and I'm so ashamed of it. If I had cancer, it's not that I crave the attention per say, but I just want a concrete excuse for me to be performing so poorly. If I'm going to kill my body anyway, why can't it be through something I don't even have a perception of being able to control? Something that will make other people think "oh she's not stupid or lazy, she has cancer!" Rather than "yeah she can't stop stuffing her mouth, lazy fuck".
Maybe I'm just stigmatizing EDs more with this post, but bulimia will never make me feel sick enough to excuse how sick it is making me. I know it's fucking me up and over and out but no one else can really realize, and to everyone else I'm a failure. Hell, even if I had AN I'd feel a littl more valid since I'd have a higher chance of being hospitalized and looking visually sick. But with bulimia... I don't look like I puke hundreds of dollars a week. I don't look like my brain should be dying. It's so damn frustrating. Especially since I internalize it. I'm a chronic case, I may already have cancer growing in my throat or intestine already, but fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Idek what I want to say anymore. Sorry if I offended anyone. Maybe someone relates.
I guess that's all I have to say about that
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#2
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Posted 03 July 2021 - 08:08 PM
I had similar thoughts before when I've been fucked out of my mind. My sister struggles with meth addiction and sometimes I wish for her weight, even though I know how much she's suffering. You're not evil.. The mind can just be fucked up sometimes. Even when we know its wrong.
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Posted 03 July 2021 - 08:28 PM
If I’ve said anything about having cancer that is incorrect, please feel free to correct me.
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Posted 03 July 2021 - 09:05 PM
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Posted 03 July 2021 - 11:27 PM
#6
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Posted 04 July 2021 - 03:24 AM
You don't really wish you had cancer. You may wish you had the emaciated look some cancer patients get, but you don't want the unbearable physical pain that comes with cancer when it's got that bad.
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Posted 04 July 2021 - 06:03 AM
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Posted 04 July 2021 - 06:51 AM
and I was so flustered and he just started walking with me cus I didn’t stop walking and he was like “I had cancer and I couldn’t keep anything down and don’t take your body for granted etc. Eat”
and I just thought FUCK it’s not a choice buddy!!
You wouldn’t say shit like this to me if it was cancer or some other illness but because it’s AN it’s perceived like I could just stop and eat!?!? And also who the fuck do you think you are that’s so nasty. I know he probs thought he was helping in some misinformed uneducated way but it scarred me do life because strangers judging you is a massive downside to AN
And I thought in that moment rather sickly, fuck I wish I did so maybe people would have some sympathy rather than giving such nasty, judgemental looks
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Posted 04 July 2021 - 07:27 AM
happiereveryday7, on 04 Jul 2021 - 06:51 AM, said:
This reminds me of when I was walking though a train station and a man came up behind me and said “Eat”
and I was so flustered and he just started walking with me cus I didn’t stop walking and he was like “I had cancer and I couldn’t keep anything down and don’t take your body for granted etc. Eat”
and I just thought FUCK it’s not a choice buddy!!
You wouldn’t say shit like this to me if it was cancer or some other illness but because it’s AN it’s perceived like I could just stop and eat!?!? And also who the fuck do you think you are that’s so nasty. I know he probs thought he was helping in some misinformed uneducated way but it scarred me do life because strangers judging you is a massive downside to AN
And I thought in that moment rather sickly, fuck I wish I did so maybe people would have some sympathy rather than giving such nasty, judgemental looks
that’s so fucked up omg… like dude i’m sorry you have cancer but wtf does that have to do with me and my illness?
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Posted 04 July 2021 - 07:52 AM
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Posted 04 July 2021 - 09:07 AM
Olivia Pope, on 03 Jul 2021 - 8:28 PM, said:
I said something similar to my therapist on Monday, telling her eating disorders have positive effects that make you not want to recover or feel you can’t live without it, while cancer doesn’t have positive effects (except for maybe attention, people bringing you casseroles, GoFundMe fundraisers). Cancer doesn’t come with a voice in your head, torturing you over how much you eat, how much you weigh, how you didn’t exercise enough today so you’re NOT eating breakfast in the morning, shithead! For most people, cancer doesn’t convince you that you’re not sick enough to get treatment. In short, I’m not judging you. I don’t think you’re a bad person. We both know how awful cancer is and this is not a “which illness is worse?” competition. *hugshugshugs*
If I’ve said anything about having cancer that is incorrect, please feel free to correct me.
And certain cancer or cancer treatment can cause weight gain Not weight loss.
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Posted 04 July 2021 - 09:43 AM
surrealicity, on 03 Jul 2021 - 7:54 PM, said:
Maybe I'm just stigmatizing EDs more with this post, but bulimia will never make me feel sick enough to excuse how sick it is making me. I know it's fucking me up and over and out but no one else can really realize, and to everyone else I'm a failure. Hell, even if I had AN I'd feel a littl more valid since I'd have a higher chance of being hospitalized and looking visually sick. But with bulimia... I don't look like I puke hundreds of dollars a week. I don't look like my brain should be dying. Maybe someone relates.
I guess that's all I have to say about that
i’m bulimic too & i completely understand, reading this bought a tear to my eye as i’m the exact same..
i do not wish i had cancer though but i do understand where you’re coming from, this is probably equally as bad but i have wished to be anorexic instead & have some proper control over food. for me i think this comes from me wanting attention & that “you deserve help” because i’ll “look the part” of having an eating disorder (thin, underweight, actually look sick). it upsets me. i’m also with you on the hospitalisation, back to what i was saying about being anorexic it’s like once hospitalised you feel that validation of actually having a problem. your thin, extremely underweight, everyone’s telling you how much they care & they hate seeing you like this, so you get help, you get given the resources. i can’t see that happening with me at all, i’m a healthy weight. why do i need help if there’s nothing wrong with me? i’m wasting resources, someone underweight & close to death deserves it more than me u know? it sucks sm
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Posted 04 July 2021 - 04:27 PM
PillPrincess, on 04 Jul 2021 - 07:52 AM, said:
Not contagious? But “pRo AnA weBsITeS CaUse EAtiNg diSoRdERs!!!” 🙄 🙄EDs are kinda like a “cancer” ... It’s not contagious, it creeps in slowly but can grow quickly and get out of control, it can metastasize and change forms, it’s painful and deadly, and it’s certainly not a choice
Seriously though, I agree with everything you said.
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Posted 04 July 2021 - 05:18 PM
happiereveryday7, on 04 Jul 2021 - 06:51 AM, said:
This reminds me of when I was walking though a train station and a man came up behind me and said “Eat”
and I was so flustered and he just started walking with me cus I didn’t stop walking and he was like “I had cancer and I couldn’t keep anything down and don’t take your body for granted etc. Eat”
and I just thought FUCK it’s not a choice buddy!!
You wouldn’t say shit like this to me if it was cancer or some other illness but because it’s AN it’s perceived like I could just stop and eat!?!? And also who the fuck do you think you are that’s so nasty. I know he probs thought he was helping in some misinformed uneducated way but it scarred me do life because strangers judging you is a massive downside to AN
And I thought in that moment rather sickly, fuck I wish I did so maybe people would have some sympathy rather than giving such nasty, judgemental looks
What an arse. For all he knew, you could have been underweight due to cancer, too.
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#16
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Posted 04 July 2021 - 05:43 PM
surprisingly some people are still idiots toward you when you have cancer.. but I understand the sentiment. mental illness isn't seen in the same way as physical illness. and even some physical illnesses aren't taken seriously.. like chronic conditions people become bored of your shit after a while. the world really is all about survival of the fittest it's brutal. people will always judge you if you don't keep up with what is expected. this is one of the reasons why I hate people.
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Posted 04 July 2021 - 06:02 PM
My heart goes out to you, and I relate. I am so angry with myself for wasting my teenage years away stuffing my face and promising myself that my life would begin once I became thin, which never happened. I wish that I could temporarily throw myself into such a state of psychosis that I could go days without food and concentrate not a second on self-restraint. I find it so difficult to integrate back into the world outside of my ED, because it has occupied so much space in my brain that everything else only feels like a side quest.
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Posted 04 July 2021 - 07:23 PM
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#19
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Posted 05 July 2021 - 03:15 AM
I relate to this so much. I wish I had cancer because it's painful, it'd kill me, I wish I could take someone else's cancer because I'd deserve to die of cancer more than anyone
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I wish I had cancer
#21
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Posted 05 July 2021 - 04:30 AM
Mental illness is just as valid but it's somehow still different because things do depend on you. Sometimes I feel like a total victim, sad about the devastating effects my depression, anxiety and BDD has on my life, other times I feel like I should be able to overcome this, with therapy etc., blaming myself feeling like a failure. The truth is somewhere between these two extremes. Admitting that you have an illness but also discovering how you can help yourself; finding out that there are parts of your illness you cannot control, and there are parts that you have some control over. And accepting that you might have tighter boudaries and less capacity when you are in a bad spot, and not hating yourself if it interferes with your work or studies.
But to get there you need to accept that bulimia and all other mental problems are just as valid as physical illnesses. Don't give a shit about what people might think and if people around you don't think it's valid.
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Posted 05 July 2021 - 04:36 AM
The answer I got was something along the lines of "you're making up excuses. I'm battling cancer. Get your shit together."
I never even opened the game again lol I felt so bad
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Posted 05 July 2021 - 04:38 AM
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Posted 05 July 2021 - 04:45 AM
dégueulasse, on 05 Jul 2021 - 04:36 AM, said:
Once I tried the game Kind Words on Steam and after answering to dozens of anonymous letters, I decided to write one myself. I talked about my struggles with eating disorders.
The answer I got was something along the lines of "you're making up excuses. I'm battling cancer. Get your shit together."
I never even opened the game again lol I felt so bad
What an insensitive asshole! EDs can be life-threatening and people die due to them..
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Posted 05 July 2021 - 05:01 AM
StringlessContortionist, on 05 Jul 2021 - 03:25 AM, said:
I can understand feeling suicidal or self destructive because I've been there too and I hope you can get to a better place mentally. However, I'm sorry but it's super insensitive of you to say you wish you had cancer.
Agreed. I try not to judge because I know EDs can corrupt our minds and make us do or want fucked up things but as someone who watched a loved one deteriorate and experience unimaginable pain and eventually pass away from cancer, a trauma and grief that im still recovering from, its kinda hard not to take issue with someone wishing they had it. But yeah I completely understand not feeling valid or sick enough, I totally get it.
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Posted 05 July 2021 - 05:56 AM
I understand you completely. I don't think you're a bad person, I think you're in a lot of pain. My heart goes out to you <3
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