Wasting Away

whatsername · March 8

🙚 3.7.22 🙘

🙚 Food: Perfect bar, two outshine coconut bars, some homemade quiche that my mom made, some probiotic peach drink that my mom got me from the store 🙘

🙚 Steps: 1,715 🙘

🙚 Active minutes: 7 🙘

🙚 Calories burned: 1,817 🙘

Notes:

Very lazy day yesterday apparently! Even on days where I get so little steps I can still usually get active minutes in by lifting my weights (speaking of which, lately I've been in such a mood to start exercising but my goddamn knee is still holding me back and I haven't even gone to a physical therapy appointment yet because my mom hasn't scheduled one for me and I haven't scheduled one myself because of stupid phone call anxiety. I really took having two perfectly healthy knees for granted and of course now that I can't do much exercise I find myself wanting to) but anyway, yesterday I skipped arm day and it shows.

I went to my doctor's appointment yesterday and the doctor said she thinks I probably have a sinus infection. She prescribed me an antibiotic and a cough medicine to help with my nagging cough (which my pharmacist told my mom that I should be very careful when taking because if the gel capsule opens it will cause the back of my throat to swell? I was a little nervous taking it this morning when it's a medication that's apparently that hardcore.)

The doctor told me that I should be taking a probiotic alongside my antibiotic to make up for the good gut bacteria that antibiotics will kill while trying to disinfect my sinuses. This was actually a great thing as I've been considering doing "liquid fasting" except I'll be drinking smoothies as meals and my mom brought up me making a smoothie with probiotic yogurt as a way to get the probiotics in and I didn't even have to randomly introduce my newfound interest in smoothies to her.

If I did this smoothie diet thing I'd not be trying to restrict too low, I'd just be doing it as a way to get myself to eat (or drink?) more healthily. I could easily cram all types of fruits and vegetables into a smoothie and get them in that way and I think my mom would actually be pretty pleased to hear I'm drinking the smoothies (as long as she doesn't find out I'm only drinking liquids, pray for me) because she always wants me to eat more fruits and vegetables and she's right, I should. I don't know, I don't expect that I'll necessarily have major success trying this out for the first time, but if I wind up eating something solid and breaking the "fast" as long as I'm still eating low calorie I should be fine.

Anyway, the doctor also gave me a covid test just to be safe that I'm waiting for the results on still. She said I should have them back by today and I hope so, because I'll need them to go back to work.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I'm going to talk to him about increasing my vyvanse from 50 to 60 mgs now that I have a job and need my ADHD under control a lot more now. I don't see why it wouldn't go well, but let's hope it does!

I hope you all had a good day yesterday.

Lio · March 13

🙚 3.11.22/3.12.22🙘

🙚 Food: Probiotic yogurt, perfect bar, some eggs for dinner, I'm sure I ate more stuff but I can't remember it all/ Perfect bar, vegetable sushi, some eggs for dinner, again, I'm sure I ate more but it's all foggy 🙘

🙚 Steps: 2,891/4,002 🙘

🙚 Active minutes: 10/68 🙘

🙚 Calories burned: 1,877/2,216 🙘

Notes:

Well, it's been a while since I updated again and I apologize. Me being sick has just been taking all the energy out of me. When I went to work last wednesday I had to leave after being there for around two hours because I was just so sick.

I don't really have much to say about the past two days. I feel inclined to just update on how I'm doing mentally.

Having to call in sick and then leave early last wednesday has left me feeling really worried about my job. Yesterday I was apparently scheduled to come in and apparently I wasn't even scheduled to come in on wednesday? I had to tell my supervisor that I would come in today and monday to make up for it. I'm really worried that I'm getting myself into hot water, it's my fault that I didn't know that I was supposed to go in on saturday because I had apparently been supposed to be checking the schedule and I feel like an idiot. I'm going to apologize profusely to my supervisors today and hope they're not too pissed.

My mom also got angry at me yesterday and said some very hurtful things and didn't apologize as usual. The stress of it all yesterday was just too much and I wound up crying for a very long time last night and it was very hard to calm down.

I'm very nervous about going in today because I'm groggy and still sick, and I'm very nervous to be working two days in a row for the first time, but on the bright side, I do feel a lot less sick today than I have been. Hopefully my antibiotic is starting to help.

Okay, rant over. That's pretty much all I have to say. I'm going to do my best at work today and that's all I can really do.

I hope you all had a good day yesterday.

Willow~ · March 13

Did your Covid test come back clear then?

Sorry to hear about your Mum hurting you like that. I hope that things can be mended.

I hope work goes ok. Take good care of you.

whatsername · March 14

Sending you lots of love, lio. I hope things get better.

Lio · March 14

On 3/13/2022 at 1:18 PM, Willow~ said:
Did your Covid test come back clear then?

Sorry to hear about your Mum hurting you like that. I hope that things can be mended.

I hope work goes ok. Take good care of you.

Yes, my test came back negative thankfully. Thank you for your kind words

On 3/14/2022 at 7:20 AM, whatsername said:
Sending you lots of love, lio. I hope things get better.

Thank you whatsie, I appreciate it

Lio · March 14

🙚 3.13.22🙘

🙚 Food: Half a venti green tea latte, a fruit smoothie, eggs 🙘

🙚 Steps: 9,985 🙘

🙚 Active minutes: 34 🙘

🙚 Calories burned: 2,580 🙘

Notes:

Okay, I'm sorry for ranting again but my rant thread doesn't get replies as much.

Lately I've just been wondering why I'm even working. The reason I got a job was so I could move out because my mother is so cruel to me. Lately I'm wondering if it's not just my fault that she treats me the way she does. She always finds several things that I did wrong to explain why she's angry and I don't even know how to refute it because they are things that are my fault, even if they're very small things. Maybe I'm just a horrible daughter, I don't know. I feel like I'm not even a good person lately. I always have felt that way, overwhelmingly guilty because there must be something wrong with me and that's why no matter how much I try to not do anything wrong and do everything my mother tells me to she still makes me feel like I'm a horrible child.

I'm just so overwhelmed with my job and I still haven't even gotten my first paycheck, which is making the lack of a reason why I should even be working feel worse. I feel like I'm just a horrible person and the way my mother treats me is my fault and I'm being an idiot for working to get away from her when the problem I'm trying to escape from is something I deserve.

I don't know what I expect to come of making this post. I guess I just want to share that I'm having this problem with someone. I can't tell my therapist about it because I can't even tell her how my mother treats me because my mother will make be explain everything I talked about with my therapist after each appointment and I don't want to have to keep any more secrets even from her, it's driving me crazy.

Again, sorry to post a rant here again, it will just be somewhat comforting to know people will read this.

whatsername · March 14

On 3/14/2022 at 11:24 AM, Lio said:
🙚 3.13.22🙘
🙚 Food: Half a venti green tea latte, a fruit smoothie, eggs 🙘
🙚 Steps: 9,985 🙘
🙚 Active minutes: 34 🙘
🙚 Calories burned: 2,580 🙘

Notes:
Okay, I'm sorry for ranting again but my rant thread doesn't get replies as much.

Lately I've just been wondering why I'm even working. The reason I got a job was so I could move out because my mother is so cruel to me. Lately I'm wondering if it's not just my fault that she treats me the way she does. She always finds several things that I did wrong to explain why she's angry and I don't even know how to refute it because they are things that are my fault, even if they're very small things. Maybe I'm just a horrible daughter, I don't know. I feel like I'm not even a good person lately. I always have felt that way, overwhelmingly guilty because there must be something wrong with me and that's why no matter how much I try to not do anything wrong and do everything my mother tells me to she still makes me feel like I'm a horrible child.

I'm just so overwhelmed with my job and I still haven't even gotten my first paycheck, which is making the lack of a reason why I should even be working feel worse. I feel like I'm just a horrible person and the way my mother treats me is my fault and I'm being an idiot for working to get away from her when the problem I'm trying to escape from is something I deserve.

I don't know what I expect to come of making this post. I guess I just want to share that I'm having this problem with someone. I can't tell my therapist about it because I can't even tell her how my mother treats me because my mother will make be explain everything I talked about with my therapist after each appointment and I don't want to have to keep any more secrets even from her, it's driving me crazy.

Again, sorry to post a rant here again, it will just be somewhat comforting to know people will read this.

Expand

i'm so sorry i don't have any useful advice for you, but i can say that you're most definitely not a terrible person. i promise you that.

Willow~ · March 14

It's not your fault.

Winterfresh · March 16

It isn't your fault and I am sorry you are feeling all of this guilt. You are not responsible for your mother's emotions and you didn't cause anything. That's classic gaslighting.

Lio · March 17

🙚 3.15.22/3.16.22 🙘

🙚 Food: Perfect bar, a frozen pizza/Perfect bar, a frozen pizza, ten or so almond rocas 🙘

🙚 Steps: 1,840/4,961 🙘

🙚 Active minutes: 0/62 🙘

🙚 Calories burned: 1,682/2,317 🙘

Notes:

Let me just start by saying that my mom bought me two frozen pizzas so she didn't have to make me dinner after I got off work and I just wound up smashing them both over the past two days, not ideal.

I don't have anything really notable to say about the past two days, so I think I'll bend the rules a bit and just talk about how work was on monday.

Let me say, I finally got my paycheck. It turns out that my job doesn't mail them out, they keep them in a safe and give them to you when it's due. I think mine was given to me a little late because it says it was issued on the 4th, so hopefully that means I have another one coming relatively soon.

Work on monday was really chill overall. It was a very slow day and I didn't have to do much. I finally finished my online cashier training and now I just have to do some final online training and some actual in person training at the registers.

On my lunch break I went shopping in the store and found two books and a really cute leather dress that I got for 5 dollars instead of 10 because of my employee discount. It's small and not at all stretchy and I don't know how well it would fit right now, so I guess I have a new goal dress.

The small highlight of the day was bringing a cart to the two nice older women that stand at the front door during the weekdays and I cleaned the cart for them and one of them gave me a rice crispy treat for it lmao.

I also got told I was doing great by both of my male supervisors and my supervisor with cool gauges told me "we love you", which was nice to hear even if they were probably just being as nice as they usually are.

While we're updating for monday, let me just say my fitbit stats for the day were at an all time high. 91 active minutes, 19,524 steps, and 3,283 calories burned. I was pretty much walking around putting away clothes and tidying up the store non-stop all day, so I can see why my step count was that high. Unfortunately, I probably undid that great calorie burn with those two pizzas.

I guess I felt compelled to talk about work on monday to try and make a point of having a good day at work and notably getting the sense that I was not there for no reason as I finally got my paycheck and that quelled some of the frustration.

Anyway, with my new schedule I'm working 8/5 hours on saturdays and thankfully just 7 on sundays, which is still more than the six hours I planned on working, but on saturdays I get two 15 minute breaks and a 30 minute lunch, so that's an hour I don't have to work during the day, and I get 45 minutes off from my lunch + 1 break on sundays, so I'm at least still not working the entire time.

I don't know how to end this disjointed updated, so I'll just say I hope you all had a good day yesterday.

Lio · March 17

On 3/14/2022 at 11:58 AM, whatsername said:
i'm so sorry i don't have any useful advice for you, but i can say that you're most definitely not a terrible person. i promise you that.

Thank you whatsie, you're always so kind and that means a lot coming from you

On 3/14/2022 at 12:47 PM, Willow~ said:
It's not your fault.

Thank you. I know I tell you this a lot but thank you for always being here to be so supportive, you're awesome

On 3/16/2022 at 6:30 AM, Winterfresh said:
It isn't your fault and I am sorry you are feeling all of this guilt. You are not responsible for your mother's emotions and you didn't cause anything. That's classic gaslighting.

Thank you. I don't know that she intentionally gaslights me, but she does spin it as being my fault. It's hard because I'm pretty sure my mother has borderline personality disorder and I feel guilty for holding her responsible for what she does because she has always told me that after she'll get angry at me she won't be able to remember what she said. I don't even know if she's telling the truth, but I have BPD too, so I just want to sympathize with her probably more than she's owed and it makes me go back to blaming myself.

Winterfresh · March 17

I get that. It is hard when the person is also dealing with their own mental health. And it is very compassionate of you to feel that way. Even if she isn't intending to hurt you, that doesn't mean you have to give her permission to impact you that way. You are only responsible for your BPD, not hers too. You can empathize and relate without needing to take ownership of it.

Lio · March 28

🙚 3.26.22/3.27.22 🙘

🙚 Food: A smoothie, I can't remember what else/ A smoothie, a costco nut bar, a trader joe's green chile macaroni bowl 🙘

🙚 Steps: 17,175/12,565 🙘

🙚 Active minutes: 70/20 🙘

🙚 Calories burned: 2,937/2,570 🙘

The last two days were just spent working. On saturday I told my cool non-binary supervisor (from now on I'll be more descriptive, let's just call them A) that I don't think I can work two days at this point.

I've recently realized that I think working two days even is just to much for me due to all my mental health issues. I really wanted to make working more work out and give myself the chance to see how I could deal with it, but I think my mental health is just too poor right now. One thing is that my ED is actually getting a bit worse right now and I'm having a harder time eating anything that I feel like I haven't "earned," which really makes me feel guilty for letting that get in the way of me working because I feel like it's my fault. I think the decision to do the smoothie diet thing actually has really backfired and made me feel guilty about eating solid foods.

Anyway, I think I'm going to get back on state assistance now that I've at least tried to work more than one day a week and I've shown myself that it really is a problem and I guess it's genuinely not a matter of me just being lazy. I still feel guilty getting back on assistance, but my mom shouldn't have to keep paying for everything for me when I have money to cover my expenses that I'm legally entitled to because of my schizophrenia.

Back onto subject, I explained to A that I didn't disclose that I had a disability to anyone because I didn't want any special treatment, but I have a disability and I wanted to give myself the chance to work more to see how I could do with it, but it's just a bit much, so they were very gracious in letting me work one day a week on whatever day they needed me the most, which for the foreseeable future will be saturdays. They said it won't take effect for another two weeks, so as of today I have one more week of working saturday and sunday and then I'll just be working on saturdays.

A actually opened up to me that they have a lot of mental health problems too, namely depression, anxiety, and very severe insomnia. They told me that at the moment they hadn't slept in five days. I felt so goddamn bad for them. They said they had been struggling with work so much that they don't know what they can do other than possibly step down from being a supervisor. We talked for a few minutes and they told me "thanks for listening to me" and I just felt really touched that they felt comfortable opening up to me like that. Later in the day A came in where I was standing at the front door and told me if and when I decide to move on from my current job I can put them down as a reference. I don't remember the exact context of why they said this, but they said they were thinking about something and they thought to themselves, "you know who's freaking awesome? Lio!" and I told them how awesome they were right back, because they truly are. I really hope that if they do step down from being a supervisor that they continue to work at my store, I would really miss them and they really help make working my eight and a half hour shifts on saturday a lot more bearable.

On sunday I pretty much stood at the door all day, but on the bright side the weather actually felt like pacific northwest spring weather and I was able to get away with just wearing a sweater and not a jacket. I wound up having to leave early because I ate my lunch of a costco nut bar and started to get hypoglycemia after eating it, felt super dizzy, and had to go home. My other male supervisor (while we're naming supervisors by initials, let's call him D) thankfully was okay with it and seemed pretty understanding.

I've been struggling lately at work with the lunches I'm bringing. On saturday I brought a smoothie that I drank throughout the day and it kept me from getting low blood sugar, but I would feel ravenously hungry after drinking it to the point where it was causing actual hunger pangs. I opted to drink my smoothie in the morning on sunday and just eat that bar at lunch and clearly that didn't work out. I don't know what to do about these problems. My smoothie that I bring to work is almost 1000 calories and has four scoops of vanilla protein powder, four frozen cubes of greek yogurt, one oz each of blended almonds and walnuts, bananas and strawberries, and is sweetened with a strawberry electrolyte drink mix. You'd think the amount of protein, healthy fats, and complex carbs that I'm putting in the smoothie would make it so I wouldn't be starving after drinking it, but when I drink it my body just reacts that way to it, probably because it just wants solid food, but I have issues with eating in front of my co-workers in the break room and feel most comfortable if they just see me drinking a smoothie.

Anyway, on the bright side of recent things since it's been decades since I updated last, I have my own bank account now and was able to deposit my first check into it, on saturday I found a rare goosebumps book for myself and a book about unicorns I'm going to give to my little horse loving cousin, and on sunday I bought myself three new dresses for 18 dollars and got my 50% off employee discount on the books and the dresses even though the rule is that you get the discount after an item has been out for 48 hours and the unicorn book and one of the dresses had been put out that day, but both D on saturday and A on sunday covertly gave me the 50% off discount on them anyway because they're just that great.

Anyway, long rambling update over, I hope you all had a great day yesterday.

Willow~ · March 28

It's good that you're realistic about the amount of work that you can manage at the moment. I know how it can be. I'm currently doing 2 hours voluntary work and am not sure if I could handle more. I was doing a full day of voluntary work before the whole Covid thing. Anyway, enough about me...

I'm not sure what to suggest on the intake thing. Sorry.

It sounds like you have really nice supervisors, I'm glad. It can make all the difference.

Lio · March 31

Dear followers of this accountability,

All right, it's come to this. My ED is getting really annoying to put it lightly and is no longer just a hobby of mine that doesn't impact my life too much. I'm almost at my UGW and feel "deserving" of this moment. So, you probably guessed it, I'm going to try out recovery.

My ED has been getting progressively worse as I've lost more weight. I've developed (very mild) body dysmorphia which wasn't a problem before, my thoughts around my body have gone from wanting to be thin to feel better about myself to wanting to be thin to cope with my trauma and it's gotten to the point where I see my body as being dangerous for not being less "womanly", which is only making my C-PTSD worse, I no longer can feel full without it making me feel like a failure and a horrible person overall, recently I've gotten to the point of feeling guilty for eating solid food, and I've gotten to the point of my eating disorder feeling like the most important thing in my life and trying to not eat much at work has been affecting my job performance, which was the final straw in making this decision.

I'm going to self-recover and I'm not going to do any weight restoration because I'm still at a healthy BMI. As far as using this site goes, I've decided it's probably best I keep using it at a minimum because it's obviously going to be very triggering, so I won't be updating this accountability really anymore and will probably just pop in once a week to see how my friends are doing.

That being said, if you want to keep in touch with me at all and continue to get updates on my life, I have an instagram account I'll be updating as well as a facebook account (not a personal one) I created yesterday that will pretty much replace my accountability and rant thread. If you want the links to either, you can comment here or PM me and I'll PM you the links.

Thank you all so much for following my random posts here for as long as you all have. This community is amazing and I won't be giving it up completely because I'll miss it way too much, you'll just be seeing much less of me. I love you guys!

Willow~ · March 31

I'm very pleased for you, well done.

whatsername · March 31

All the love, lio. You got this!

Winterfresh · April 4

Wishing you all the best!! You can do it

Lio · April 15

🙚 4.15.22 🙘

Well, I missed you all and wanted to give you guys an update!

Recovery so far hasn't been much of a success. So far I've just been eating excessively because I've been so freaking hungry and I feel like I'm just getting fatter while my thoughts really haven't changed. I'm still feeling really tempted to relapse because of having conflicting goals about what I want to do with my body. My anxiety around my body has always been largely feeling like my body is going to influence how other people treat me, namely I've felt like having a more "womanly" figure is unsafe, so I made a deal with myself that I don't have to get extremely thin to feel safer in my body, I can just get more fit and more able to defend myself. However, I've not been feeling motivated to work out, so my body is just stagnating and probably gaining weight. Not having success with working out has made me want to give up on that and just give in to wanting to just be very thin to feel safer. So, that's been a trigger.

I also just feel like my body dysmorphia is getting worse. Today in the mirror my thighs honest to god looked to me like they did at my highest weight. I'm sure I have in fact gained weight, but definitely not even close to that much to warrant my thighs looking so much bigger.

Still, I haven't really given myself much of a chance to recover mentally. I haven't read any work books or did much research on how to self recover, I'm essentially just telling myself that I have to eat and I'm not allowed to eat too little and not giving myself much real support.

I'm going to keep trying and I'm going to continue to focus on trying to get myself to workout and focus on getting a body I'll be comfortable in in a healthy way, just right now it's a bit of a struggle.

And that's it for now. I hope you all have been doing well!

whatsername · April 15

thank you for the update- i'm sorry you're still struggling, but i know you'll find a good balance.

you can always msg me if you ever want to talk.

Wasting Away

Wednesday, April 27, 2022

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