#1 
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Posted 28 December 2020 - 10:23 AM
It's time for a new accountability
The old one - well I never used it. But I really want to get to 50kg, better under, so I need something to keep me going!
Stats:
1,75m
weight: I have no idea. I guess its around 54.
BMR: 1365
TDEE: 1630
Goal weight: 50, but I kinda into 48kg
Let's go!!
Updates:
01.01.21: SW 55kg
19.01.21: 55kg
Money spend on food:
so far roughly 100 per week. its disgusting. holy shit.
#2
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Posted 28 December 2020 - 04:36 PM
Holy shit, I had a weird binge today. Purging didn't work that good so I'm bloated and feel so disgusting (╥︣﹏᷅╥)
I'm already afraid to step on the scale tomorrow.
Because b/p didn't work I'm now at that point were I'm like "I'm never gonna eat again"
Let's see how that will work tomorrow (ง︡'-'︠)ง
#3
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Posted 29 December 2020 - 08:25 AM
I didn't weigh myself. I just couldn't, am really afraid of the number. Maybe tomorrow.
Also due to the bloating I had a small panic attack (I just hated how my body felt like and I wanted to cut my limbs off.lol) and couldn't sleep.
Don't know if my digestion is fucked up but my stomach looked the same like yesterday evening and I'm starting to wonder if the food passed my stomach at all.
For today:
210g clementines (115kcal)
1 cup of coffee with oat milk (i don't know, maybe 50?)
=165kcal
Update: Dinner was a huuuge salad.
With dressing and everything 523kcal
= 688kcal
Workout:
went for a long walk 7km/80min - 350kcal
Intake today: ~340kcal. yes!!
#4
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Posted 30 December 2020 - 04:57 PM
Today was weird.
I helped a friend moving which was kinda nice. I did not want to eat dinner with them but they insisted and so I had dinner with them.
And it was pasta. Fear food number one.
I tried to add a lot of sauce, but still, I ate pasta. I feel weird about that.
Had a few clementines and vegetables.
If I had to guess....800? 900? I really do not know.
Tomorrow will be better!!
#5
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Posted 31 December 2020 - 03:43 PM
What a bang to end your year with two b/p sessions. lol.
Only about twenty minutes left with this absolut worst year of my life.
I say that about every year but this fucked different.
Don't even get me started with resolutions for 2021. I just want to travel. And maybe don't die. That's about it.
#6
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Posted 01 January 2021 - 08:31 AM
Total Points for today: 30
Money spend von food: 0
Besides the reading challenge I want to take a look at my food expenses. I have no idea how much I spend per month on food.
And maybe seeing how much I spend on binge food will open my eyes. Hopefully.
#7
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Posted 02 January 2021 - 01:20 PM
Total Points for today: 70
Money spend on food: 25€ (got everything for next week)
#8
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Posted 03 January 2021 - 01:18 PM
Total Points for today: 25
#9
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Posted 04 January 2021 - 11:34 AM
Total Points for today: 35
#10
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Posted 05 January 2021 - 11:37 AM
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
I don't miss being a teenager but somehow this book makes me wish I had a better upbringing and enjoying my youth. It's kinda cute but also sad. I like it so far
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Posted 06 January 2021 - 03:06 PM
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
Total: 35
#12
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Posted 07 January 2021 - 01:37 PM
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
Total: 20
#13
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Posted 09 January 2021 - 09:58 AM
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
Total: 15
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
Total: 35
#14
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Posted 11 January 2021 - 12:11 PM
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
Total: 35
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
Total: 35
#15
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Posted 13 January 2021 - 02:38 PM
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
Total: 25
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
Total: 25
#16
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Posted 15 January 2021 - 02:09 PM
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
Total: 15
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
Total: 35
#17
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Posted 18 January 2021 - 09:44 AM
Total: 20
Total: 20
My current read: Coffee - a global history
Total: 45
#18
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Posted 20 January 2021 - 09:21 AM
Total: 15
Total: 15
im relapsing so hard, the only thing i do is b/p and being depressed. help
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Posted 22 January 2021 - 05:53 AM
Date: 21.01.2021:
Reading points: 23 (3h read) + finished my book 40+ review 5
Calories: 5
Water: 15
Total: 88
book: Herbstmilch by Anna Wimschneider
Review:
#20
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Posted 23 January 2021 - 02:51 PM
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
25
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
20
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Posted 26 January 2021 - 01:59 PM
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
36
15
#22
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Posted 29 January 2021 - 12:14 PM
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
30
20
30
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
45
#23
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Posted 30 January 2021 - 03:31 PM
My current read: I read an entire newspaper (you can call me grandma now, because thats how I def looked like)
50
#24
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Posted 31 January 2021 - 01:11 PM
My current read: a therapy book about Eating disorders (LOL!)
45
#25
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Posted 01 February 2021 - 10:19 AM
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
seems like February is of to a good start, hope it stays like this
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Posted 04 February 2021 - 09:03 AM
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
25
35
25
Turns out the guy I have a crush on has a girlfriend which means I'm constantly crying. Can't read. I'm just so sad.
#27
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Posted 06 February 2021 - 07:09 AM
god I'm still so fucking sad.
I don't know why. It's not like he was interested in me in the first place.
Found out who his girlfriend is and now I just want to die. She is fucking pretty, fucking skinny, level 3000 vegan and an activist.
And everyone raves about her, how nice and funny and gorgeous she is and it makes me sick.
like how could I even IMAGINE being with him?
I'm so fucking stupid. I feel very lonely and sad.
I'm so tired of feelings.
#28
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Posted 07 February 2021 - 01:58 PM
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
20
20
My current read: Karl Ove Knausgard - Leben
30
I swear this book takes forever to get through. more than 650 pages. ffffffff
#29
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Posted 12 February 2021 - 05:34 PM
So I dropped out of the reading challenge. I can't concentrate for shit.
Work is boring despite being stressful.
Had a very weird conversation with my parents. It's weird to talk with your parents about your own suicide.
These days I hate my body and I don't know why. Sometimes I come to terms with it but this week I just hated being in my body.
Hunger is such a comfortable feeling. I hope it will keep me company for a while.
#30
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Posted 28 February 2021 - 02:07 PM
Isn't it so awful to realize you're just B/p your life away?
I don't know what has gotten into me but I basically ordered food and b/p and now I'm left with a shit ton of food at home that I'm scared of.
As wasteful as it sounds I just want to throw everything away - I mean what's the difference: throw it in the trash or vomit all of it into the toilet?
It's just a few weeks til my birthday and I just want all of my body gone.
also: why do so many people suddenly contact me? People I haven't spoken to in YEARS?
stay the f away from me.
God, I just want to live in the woods with a few animals and a garden, a lot of music and tea and books and just not care about people and work.
I hate it here.
#31
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Posted 05 March 2021 - 06:19 PM
I have a date today and all I wonder - why the need for food.
He'll bring some home food and I know it's very sweet to do that but I just rather not have any?
And now I know I need to eat it because I don't want to seem...rude?
God, just let me starve in peace
#32
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Posted 13 March 2021 - 07:32 AM
my mind is blown
I ordered protein powder and guam gum and right now I'm eating a protein pudding with insane macros: 500g, total of 120kcal, 22g Protein. Holy shit.
#33
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Posted 21 March 2021 - 12:07 PM
had another date today.
He's very sweet and nice and I love his personality. I dropped the "i go to therapy-"bomb today so let's see how he will cope with that.
Why can't I just be a normal woman with no issues. well.
#34
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Posted 25 March 2021 - 01:00 PM
Been on a second date with said guy. I still like him very much and I love the vibe he gives of. Chill and kind and funny.
The therapy bomb wasn't bad, because dude went to therapy too.
We talked about future plans and stuff and I told him that I don't want kids. Like ever.
He then started the whole "when I was younger I thought the same but now I want kids and want to be a dad.."
I told him again that I really don't want kids. It's actually a nightmare for me.
And then he made a sarcastic comment "we will see in the future, I'm sure you'll change your mind."
No.
Why can't people just accept that not everyone wants kids and all that family bullshit? Let me live my life without kids.
Why is everyone trying to convince me or telling me I will change my mind?
I'm turning 30, even when I was younger I didn't want to have children.
Man, stuff like this makes me so sick.
He's the perfect guy - but he wants kids so I guess there's no need to keep talking
#35
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Posted 12 April 2021 - 05:23 AM
Alright, I'm depressed af.
And with this dude I'm gonna explode. Like with his kids attitude and I'm asexual so HOW WILL THAT WORK?!
Stop using me for your free time holy shit.
At the moment I'm just sitting infront of my playstation and drink coffee and just hope that the days go by. I'm so tired of living. Everything overwhelms me. yikes
#36
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Posted 23 April 2021 - 04:07 AM
Broke it off with said dude and he tried to convince me that he was "the one" and that "my mind will change" and all that horrible bullshit some men talk.
I just hate dating. I fucking hate it. So I've decided to delete every single dating app. Just no. I'm tired of it. I don't want to do the same shit every time I start talking to someone. What do you do for a living. What do you do in your free time. Just no.
#37
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Posted 30 May 2021 - 06:21 AM
can someone tell me why i always get crushed on random guys?
So a new coworker started last week and he is hella cute.
problem is that my other coworker (who is in a relationship btw) started to flirt with him like CRAZY
also she is very pretty, very funny and all in all everything that i am not.
so although I wanted to get to know that guy I'm so discouraged that I wont do anything.
i feel so ugly
#38
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Posted 10 October 2021 - 01:15 PM
love how I never update here.
Amazing.
Guess I need to get my life together!
#39
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Posted 16 October 2021 - 01:44 PM
god do i love red wine. I always asumed I was more a white wine person. holy shit i feel like an adult
#40
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Posted 20 November 2021 - 07:12 AM
its the monthly "oh I have an accountability let's update that shit and never come back" post!
So far I've been doing ok this month, I purged a lot less, ate a lot less, still hate my body (my legs are the freaking WORST)
Still doing a bit of dating but I have to admit that I will stop dating men. The more I have contact with men the more I hate it. Guess my bisexual tendencies are more towards women atm.
My weekend is pretty boring, I want to read and watch movies and relax but I might think about christmas gifts for family and friends. Tomorrow I have a bit of work to do but all in all it's a chill weekend and to be honest it's needed (Work was stressful, way too much to do and dealing with people for 9h is just draining).
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Posted 23 November 2021 - 05:33 AM
was grocery shopping today and oh boy was my ED obvious.
Bought a lot of monster zero, tea, cucumbers and salad, grapefruits and almond milk. and to top it of a protein bar.
i also bought an advent calender today and not gonna lie I'm kinda scared. when i put it on the wall i was like "am I really this stupid and waste calories on chocolate every single day til christmas?" and the answer is yes
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#42
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Posted 02 January 2022 - 08:28 AM
it's the new year and I got my period. my uterus was like new year new me yeet!
I started to use a vape instead of smoking cigarettes and holy shit that is so nice! I love it. no disgusting cigarette smell and it tastes so good!!
weight? I don't know her, will use the scale when my period is over
#43
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Posted 11 January 2022 - 04:08 AM
ok i guess i have an oral fixation. i mean i do drink tea all the time, i vape a lot and somehow always need something in my mouth.
so i ordered a bunch of candy - like lollipops and bonbons and stuff like that. it still has calories but is far better than binging. hope this will help me
#44
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Posted 17 February 2022 - 04:37 AM
hahaha im such a loser.
folks at work wanted to order pizza and it was set for today and guess who called in sick? I literally couldnt sleep last night because i was so anxious about it.
and so when i called in sick and said I didnt sleep and felt that i couldnt do my job properly (working with patients) well i didnt lie?
#45
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Posted 18 February 2022 - 11:01 AM
today was body hate 3000
god i hate hate hate my legs. i hate it when you can feel your jeans when you walk its so horrible
#46
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Posted 21 February 2022 - 10:36 AM
had a car accident today
Im fine, wasnt my fault but oh my god do i hate being an adult. why do i have to deal with insurance stuff
#47
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Posted 22 February 2022 - 10:18 AM
told my therapist that I use hunger as a coping mechanism - im such a good anorexic. just like in the books
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