tomorrow is May 1st.

 it’s surreal, it doesn’t even feel like it’s been close to a year. It feels like May 1st 2021 was only a couple of months ago. Time continues to escape away from me. I continue to get older and older, and lose more and more of my potential. Yet without fail, i still feel like a child. I remember exactly where i was a year ago, in my bathroom mentally whining about how i’m still at Day 1 and how desperately i want be be a month into consistency or 10 days even. but yet i still continued to (and still continue to) sabotage myself and am currently sitting at 201 lbs.

I’m not ready to be 20. Not physically or mentally. I’m still not skinny and I have no clue what exactly i’m doing. I shoulda been famous by now. Whether as a child actress or singer, i should have been famous and rich, not even having to enroll in college. But i’m still here, still fat, still avoiding improving myself because i can’t handle a little challenge.

about my weight though, recently i thought i might have it all figured out, but it seems like nothing for me will ever be that simple. the scale does not reflect how much i’m eating. why am i up to 201 from 198.4 2 days ago when i ate small yesterday and didn’t really overeat the day before. why did i only lose 1.2 from 201.2 to 200.0 when i only ate around 950 calories? is my metabolism giving up on me? is my plan of never going over 1600 and sticking to ranges 1299-1330-1440-1550 going to prove futile? i just don’t know, and now i’ve lost the tiny amount of confidence i had. i plan to do a 3 day fast, but we all know how well my plans turn out… i don’t want to be negative, as this negativity and lack of confidence has lead to several failed fasts as of recently, but at the same time it’s just a matter of being realistic. not that it matters tho, as no amount of realism and low expectations ever dwells just how much i hate myself when i do fail. i just need to be delusional and fully believe i’ll succeed, maybe it’ll actually lead to something like july 17, 2020: the first day of my golden era of ed

i’m gonna leave this on an unfinished note, i just came here to ramble about how much of a failure i am. nothing new.