a badminton enthusiast's conglomeration of words | cooking & baking | bullet journaling | pictures
#1 
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Posted 10 April 2022 - 05:27 AM
★ hey hey, I'm bleak! ★
not my first accountability, I'll tell you that
On a later note, I decided that I couldn't keep making new accountabilities every time I get tired of this one....soo thread revamped on page 7!
About me:
I'm a 17 year old full-time high school student who's turning 18 this year (october 23rd).
I'm a practicing Muslim and a cis female. My ethnicity is Indian, and I've lived in Orlando for the past 8 years after moving from my hometown of Tanzania. I recently moved back home and I'm really enjoying it! I currently live with my large and boisterous family: my parents, my two brothers, my two sister-in-laws, and their four kids. My hobbies include baking/cooking (pics included), reading, bullet journaling, and sports!
I'm also batshit crazy about badminton ever since I picked it up in December 2020. It not only proved to be a coping method for stress, but it was a way for me to unleash my feelings in a healthy way while also getting exercise in.
After nearly 1 and a 1/2 year of play, I met my ideal partner for doubles badminton, and we're getting really close! I've always wanted a best friend my age who respects me for what I'm worth. Following many failed "best friendships," I've become pretty pessimistic about having a closer bond with the girls whom I call friends.
This, however, hit me like a truck. My partner, Aaliyah, is the sweetest human being I could have ever encountered + her playing style complements mine perfectly. Coincidence? I think not!
I also recently fractured the 4th/5th metatarsal in my foot, so I'm not allowed to play until the end of April. I will be working to get a bit better by trying to break my habit of counting calories and drinking loads of milk so I get well as quickly as possible!
Eating Disorder History:
When I was 9 years old, my parents decided to move me from Tanzania to Orlando, where my brother and his wife were living at the time. Since my parents didn't like the public schools there, they decided to online school me. I had loads of free time, so they got me into martial arts, archery, art school, and other extra-curricular activities. Despite this, I had trouble making friends because of my background. I wasn't "Americanized" enough (for lack of a better word).
I managed to make some more friends as I grew older, but one of these proved to be toxic and pushed me over the edge into an eating disorder. My then best friend developed bulimia, and we would try and "compete" to lose weight. This was one of the darkest times of my life: I was self-harming, purging, and over-exercising. I begged for therapy but to no avail. After a few years, my parents and family took me to see a social worker whom I talked to for a few months. I was then taken to the doctor, where I received an official diagnosis of "Anorexia Nervosa" despite not being underweight.
When COVID hit, I decided to force myself to recover because I was spending more time with family than usual. All was fine and dandy, and we moved back to Tanzania. Yet little did I know that this eating disorder stuck with me. The past few months I've relapsed and am determined to get to my goal weight and maintain as soon as I can.
Master Plan:
This thread will focus primarily on restriction and getting better badminton.
Aaliyah and I have decided to embark on an intensive training programme for badminton (designed by me!).
It was originally outlined by the Olympic Coach Handbook, but I added some of my own tweaks and customizations to it. Doing some research, I found out that to become a pro in any sport, I needed to have 10,000 hours of play. Thus, my aim this year is to get a few thousand hours of badminton in, and see how many I can do along with intensive training 2x a day!
Goals
Body Goals:
I. Face and Neck
♡ thick and pretty eyebrows --> threaded and trimmed
♡ long and thick eyelashes
♡ prominent cheekbones
♡ no pimples or scarring
♡ smooth skin
♡ no sideburns
♡ upper lip threaded
♡ contacts, not glasses
♡ no bald patches on hairline
♡ even hairline
♡ smooth and small forehead
♡ sharp jawline
♡ no double chin
♡ no fat lines on neck
♡ wear sunscreen everyday
♡ long and lustrous hair --> down to my butt
♡ thickkk hair
II. Shoulders to Waist
♡ collarbones justing out
♡ sternum showing
♡ tiny boobs
♡ fingers be able to wrap around upper arm
♡ hole thingy at end of shoulder visible
♡ hollow armpits
♡ no stomach rolls when sitting
♡ good posture
♡ elbow bone wider than arm
♡ hollow of elbow visible from behind
♡ pink and thumb overlap around wrist
♡ round ball thing at end of wrist
♡ light seen between fingers when holding them up
♡ rings sliding off fingers
♡ ribs protruding
♡ concave stomach
♡ space between waist and elbows when standing with arms to side
♡ tiny tiny waist <25 in
♡ no stretch marks on boobs
♡ tight belly button
♡ no back fat
♡ knobs of spine visible when bending
♡ ribs visible from back
III. Waist to Hips
♡ hipbones jutting out
♡ underwear and pants being suspended on hipbones
♡ no dark pant line on hips
♡ no stretch marks on side of hips
♡ round firm ass
♡ 36 in ass >
♡ narrower hips
♡ no saddle bags on outer thighs
♡ no hip dips
IV. Hips to Ankles
♡ thigh gap while standing
♡ thigh gap while legs crossed
♡ thigh gap while lying on side
♡ stuff slipping through legs
♡ looongg legs
♡ thighs not spreading out when you sit on a railing
♡ no stretch marks on knees
♡ be able to wrap fingers fully around ankle
♡ no squishy overflow of thighs and knees when sitting cross legged
♡ look amazing in palazzos
♡ no extra fat hanging from calve muscles when relaxed
♡ no fatty overhang on knees when standing
♡ sharpp knees
Mind/Spiritual Goals:
♡ Recite the Quran everyday --> make a timetable for it
♡Pray on time
♡Recite Salat al Layl every Thursday morning
♡Join DS, our community service group
♡Analyse a verse of the Quran every week --> get a new book specifically for this
Academic Goals:
♡Ace all my IGCSEs with A*s and at worst, As
♡Pass all my mock exams
♡Own all the books on my list by the time I turn 21
♡Pass all my A-levels with A*s
♡Learn 14 new vocab words each week, and have a vocab test every Friday
♡Become a full-time doctor and also a hawza student
Food and Exercise Goals:
♡Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!
♡As many hours of badminton I can do
♡OMAD or TMAD
♡800 kcal a day or less
♡No processed food
♡No added sugar anything
♡Eat from all food groups
♡At least 2 sources of protein every day
♡Workouts planned for every day except Sunday = rest day
Money Goals:
♡Save up at least $500 by the end of the 6 months
♡Be considerate about your spending
♡Take out a little bit of sadaqa every week
♡Start coaching job during holidays to get a bit more money
♡Start a part-time job at a hospital after you pass your IGCSEs
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#2
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- Locationnear the equator, in a really hot place
Posted 10 April 2022 - 11:22 PM
sw: 70 kg
cw: 65 kg
gw: 38 kg
Calorie Tracker
green: ate ≤ 800
red: overate
March:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30 31
April:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30
Workout Tracker
green: exercised
red: did not exercise
March:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30 31
April:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30
Format:
- | -
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: -
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -/10,000
Skincare: -
Sleep: -
Exercise: -
Quran: -
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
-
Life:
-
#3
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- 1835 posts
Advanced Sage
- Locationnear the equator, in a really hot place
Posted 11 April 2022 - 05:01 AM
1st March, 2022 | 27th Rajab 1443
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: 1
Calories in: 510 ✔️
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -
Skincare: -
Sleep: -
Exercise: ✖️
Quran: ✖️
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
1: banana + oats + milk + chia seeds + dates + honey = 495
2: cucumber = ~15
Life:
Today was a pretty good day, I stayed under the limit for once in a lonnngg time!
I had no school today because the Art and ICT students had their practical exams, so I was home, studying for my upcoming exams.
Anyways, today I had IQRA , a program at 4:00pm-5:30pm for kids. Now I'm a part-time religious teacher at our Sunday school, and they decided to implement a program for kids in the age of class 1 that's 3x a week. It's basically teaching them how to recite the Quran, starting with Arabic letters.
And so I registered last year, cause I graduated from religious school back then, and now I'm back as a teacher. I'd initially planned to be an assistant teacher what with my CIEs this year....but they put me as a teacher and god knows why lmao. It's a lot of stress, I'm gonna have to say. And plus I have my MUN conference on 2nd and 3rd April, I'm an ICJ Judge. Not stressful at all. Nope not at all.
Eh, it's great for a first day! 
So what happened today was that I was doing a religious fast, aaand I ended up getting my period. What perfect timing. And so I had to break my fast since it became invalid. Anyways, I feel like gorging myself with food cause my brothers and their kids and all came over and we had a fam dinner. I was the loner who was "studying for her exams" and trying not to be tempted by the food.
Omggg tho, it looked heavenly: cripsy and aromatic baked potato chips, potato boats stuffed with minced meat mixed with carrots and topped off with melty mozzarella cheese, meat skewers oozing juice ......ughgh.
WHY TODAY OF ALL DAYS MAN? WHY?
Why couldn't it have been yesterday, where I could've eaten a bit?
Soo, I basically couldn't do the exercise I had planned because I get really bad cramps when I'm on my period, and so I'm gonna postpone it to next week when my period is over. Aaanyways, I also had a small cucumber at night so gonna add that to the list. Not sure about the size so gonna round up
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#4
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- Locationnear the equator, in a really hot place
Posted 12 April 2022 - 01:29 AM
2nd March, 2022 | 28th Rajab 1443
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: 2
Calories in: 500 ✔️
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -
Skincare: ✖️
Sleep: ✖️
Exercise: ✖️
Quran: ✖️
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
1: bell pepper curry + rice = 300
2: fruits = 150
Life:
I just wanna say that I'm actually really really proud of myself for breaking the binge cycle! It's been so long since I've been able to restrict, and honestly, getting through the first day was hell 
I HAVE TEAA!!
So basically there was this fight that happened at school (Fights happen quite often not a big deal lmao, but this was between two girls and it was about a guy so... hehe teeaaaa) and the fight was between a friend group. By fight I mean punching, kicking, scratching and etc not the regular old argument.
Some background info about my school:
My school is a secondary school, and uses the Cambridge system up until IGCSE, after which they switch to IB Diploma.
Now, we have kids from grade 7 to grade 11 (my grade) at our school.
The fight happened between these three grade 7 girls: Samaira and these two other girls let's call em 1 and 2 (can't remember their names lmao). They were pretty close friends and nothing seemed to get between them. What happened was that Samaira is a very very mean kid, I met her in the bathroom once while with my friend, she was literally bullying and insulting her friend to her face, calling her ugly (no, not in a joking manner).
That aside, yesterday, Samaira insulted 2's mom, calling her a whore and slut and etc. 2's mom had passed away 3 months ago. 1 was 2's best friend, so she got pisseddd. She got really mad and so she confronted Samaira about what she had said about 2's mom. Samaira, obviously because she was a bully, gave 1 a slap which she returned with a punch in the stomach.
Fast forward to today, during first break, around 10 am, people were rushing around saying that there was a fight at one of our blocks. I was obviously pretty intrigued, but I didn't go check (the rest of the school were circling the block looking for the fight lol). One of our teachers locked 1 in a classroom to keep her from getting to Samaira while she hid in the bathroom. After break, I found out that Samaira had gotten angry and jealous and so she went and flashed her *things* at 1 or 2's (can't rem which) ex boyfriend.
So 1 got mad and threatened to beat her up. During hometime, everyone was free to go, and BAMM the fight started right outside the school gate. Everybody was circling them and throwing water and soda and yelling while the two punched and kicked and scratched each other.
Honestly it was chaossss 
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#5
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- Locationnear the equator, in a really hot place
Posted 13 April 2022 - 04:03 AM
3rd March, 2022 | 29th Rajab 1443
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: 3 ✔️
Calories in: 850 ✖️
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -
Skincare: -
Sleep: -
Exercise: ✖️
Quran: ✖️
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
1: potato and carrot bake + sauce = 290
2: random snacks like fruits and nuts = 560
Life:
My day went mehh tbh. Had MUN today, then right after that IQRA, so I'm spent AF and exhausted. It's also my mom's birthday tomorrow! I really dw eat cake tho, gonna be on liquids tomorrow since I went over the limit today.
total over = 360 cal over, so I have 140 cal for tomorrow
Bro I was chilling in the kitchen and my mom had brought cashew nuts to take on her trip. I took two and munched on them to make myself not suspicious ( I used to eat stuff randomly like that b4). I looked up the cals and they were literally 20 cals a pop. Like dudeeee wtfff
#6
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- Locationnear the equator, in a really hot place
Posted 13 April 2022 - 04:39 AM
4th March, 2022 | 1st Shaban 1443
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: 4 ✔️
Calories in: 140 ✔️
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -
Skincare: -
Sleep: -
Exercise: ✖️
Quran: ✖️
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
1: apple piece that H force-fed me = 5 (?) kcal
2: Cup-a-Soup packet = 130 kcal
3: tic tac = 5 kcal
Life:
Honestly why is my life so complicated?
*cue rant*
Nota bene:
-I don't date, I have my own reasons and all....yeah-in my religion, it's common for girls to get married around 18-25 y
-and even if it's an arranged marriage, the marriage is not forced upon anybody and it is entirely dependent on the consent of both parties to get marriedOkay, so there's this guy I like, his name is H. He goes to my school, is in my grade aaandd we may or may not have had a thing. See now I'm a pretty innocent girl, I haven't had any relationships before (I've had my fair share of crushes though).
We started talking back in Year 10, around the time school went online again in 2021 because of the Pandemic's new strain. We talked for a couple of months you know, then we kind of had a thing where we were all lovey-dovey (cringey, I know) for a bit until my parents found out. That's when I realised that he's not what I wanted, especially when we talked about his family. I wasn't compatible with him.
He thinks I'm being stubborn and that I don't want to take things forward, but when he told his mom that he liked me, she said it wasn't the time to think about it. She was right, we were barely 17. Still kids, not even legal adults yet.
The problem is that I keep going back to him, he's such an amazing person, but I'm making it harder for us both to get over with it and move on. I feel like I'm too worried about how he's gonna do (he's sworn off all girls after me) and if he's gonna be okay after me.
It's been around, what, a year and a half (?) that we've known each other, and almost a year talking. My parents caught us during the holiday after Year 10 was over. It was me just being careless and stupid. I don't know what to do tho, I hate lying to my parents, and he can't even bring a proposal over cause I'm gonna say no, and so are my parents
But I wanna be with him so baddd mann. It's like knowing something's not good for you, yet wanting it the same. The more we indulge into sin, the more addictive it is. It's a double edged sword, with bliss at one end and misery at the other end.
I told him I'd give him 1-2 years to wait it out, after which I plan to get married (which is right before I go to uni). I want to pursue religious education and before that I wanna do A-Levels in 1 year so I can get get into uni early. But his timeline is different, he's younger than me (not that it matters) and he's going to take 2 years for A-Lev.
I'm honestly confused because with him, I feel at home, but his family's ideas and way of thinking are really backward and traditional, according to me. I know I'm not marrying his family, but at the end of the day I don't want to have those traditional fights between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
I also told him, that if he does send a proposal (which in my opinion would be better not to cause it wouldn't be worth it) it depends on if my parents approve or not. At this point I don't feel ready to make any decisions about him.
Ugh, I'm just gonna give it a year or two, and then get married to another guy and leave the country. I feel so bad for saying that but he really isn't the right person for me. I need someone mentally stable to be able to handle themselves and not be someone I need to baby and console 24-7.
I know what I want, but separation is so goddamn hard I don't even know how to get myself out of this situation.
#7
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- Locationnear the equator, in a really hot place
Posted 13 April 2022 - 04:41 AM
5th March, 2022 | 2nd Shaban 1443
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: 0 ✖️
Calories in: 1500 ✖️
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -
Skincare: -
Sleep: -
Exercise: ✖️
Quran: ✖️
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
maintenance = 1500
Life:
I'm about to head for madressa soon, and I've already eaten around 400+ calories. For some goddamn reason I felt like eating processed food today (which I usually detest), but my period is a needy bitch for salt and sugar
I also miss H a lot, we were spending time together in school, and it sent an adrenaline rush straight to my head. So we were messaging yesterday, and somehow the topic turned to weight. I'd been fasting yesterday since I'd gone over my limit, and I accidentally let it slip that I hadn't eaten anything since the apple he fed me. He got pretty pissed and asked why, I was like "oh I'm tryna lose 1 kg by thursday" (said it jokingly although it's definitely true)
He was like "NO, YOU ARE NOT, no matter what size you are you're still beautiful for me, and I still love you"
Well well. Huh.
I can't believe it's only 8 AM and I've wasted all my calories like this, ahhhhhh girrl what were you thinkinggggg
My fatass thinks it's okay to make this a maintenance day. Geez, way to go man. my period seems to crave chocolate. I might as well go and eat some, we have some in the fridge.
*eats some more*
Okay I'm actually full now. I had chocolate, filled my cravings now come on girl, you need to concentrate on finishing your work. I can make a 350 kcal dinner later on.
I was also thinking that I should have maintenance days every Saturday in order to keep my sanity about me. That's a really good idea actually
#8
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- Locationnear the equator, in a really hot place
Posted 13 April 2022 - 04:50 AM
6th March, 2022 | 3rd Shaban 1443
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: 1 ✔️
Calories in: 530 ✖️
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -
Skincare: -
Sleep: -
Exercise: ✔️
Quran: ✖️
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
1: tea + gum + gummies + apple = 160
2: barley and corn stew = 370
Life:
I keep trying out new recipes and stuff lmao, guess that's a benefit of having an ED. I'm constantly discovering how many combinations of low cal food I can make. Made this really decent stew last night and ended up sleeping super late and then waking up at 9. So much for waking up at 4 am. I need to drink more water, I look bloated and my face looks puffy. Gonna aim for 4 litres todayyy let's gooo
Soo I went over by 30, and I decided that if not on a maintenance day, I will punish myself for going over by exercising the same number of minutes as the amount of calories I have gone over
And I did that starting today, which really gave me lotss of energy!
As soon as this leg of exams is over, I'm going to start exercising at 4 AM in the morning every. single. day.
#9
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- Locationnear the equator, in a really hot place
Posted 13 April 2022 - 05:14 AM
7th March, 2022 | 4th Shaban 1443
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: 2 ✔️
Calories in: 460 ✔️
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -
Skincare: -
Sleep: -
Exercise: ✔️
Quran: ✖️
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
1: salsa with barley and chips = 460
Life:
*gonna be a long post*
I honestly can't believe that weight loss is this easy. Like dude, wtf. I haven't had a binge (yet), and I think the maintenance days are really going to give me an easier time of it overall.
I can see my ribs!!! They're not like poking out or super outlined, but I can see like the bottom part of them when I suck in, it's soo freaking motivating. And there were these pants that my sister-in-law gave me that didn't fit her and they fit me, but just barely, they've gotten almost an inch looser as wellll, yesss girrlll!
I feel like I wasted a lot of calories with the barley today. Not gonna have barley again lol. Unintentional OMAD today thoo!
Also, Hassan put his hand on my knee today. Idk how I felt about it. He seems so moody at times and so depressed like as if he's using me as a crutch. And honestly I'm not comfortable with his advances.
People were shipping us hardcore in the library, and asking us how long it's been for us. Dude. This asshole, let's call him Shitpants (he walks around like he has shit in his pants, he waddles around) comes up to me and Hassan while we were sitting in the library together and he's like:
shitpants: "yo how long has it been between you two?"
me: "the hell you talking about"
H: "calm down bro"
Shitpants: "no seriously, how long has it been?"
H: "bro, calm downn"
Shitpants: "it's been what, 6 months or something like that?"
me: "dude"
H: "brooo chill"
me getting pissed af over here
me: "(insert his name), you should go fix your brain before asking questions about other people"
Shitpants (while walking away, he said to Hassan): "good job man, you got good grades and a smart girl, you're winning in life"
Now this was during my free lesson after the first break, so I got annoyed and left for my next lesson: English. Everything was fine until after lunch, where Hassan and I hung out in the library during maths (my free lesson, he bunked)
That's when some of the assholes from our class came and sat right in front of us (a few of them weren't assholes, the rest were).They kept teasing me, calling me his girlfriend, and saying that we were flirting and not to disturb them with bio questions (one of them, an acquaintance/friend of mine, kept coming to ask questions cause he needed help). Now the main asshat, let's call him Blackhoodie (he's always wearing a black hoodie) starts calling H a p*ssy in chemical formulae (like plutonium, sulfur, sulfur, yttrium) and then he said something really offensive to H:
blackhoodie: "you don't have holmium, einsteinium (aka, hoes) "
H: "...where is it, where is it, ahh yes you're right I dont (laughs)"
Blackhoodie: "wait no you dooo (and he jerked his head at me; he thought I wouldn't see cause his friend sitting in front of him would block him)"
H: "listen, respect women okay?"
Me (said quietly to H): "I heard what he called me"
H: "I'm sorry, he's an ass"
Me: "forget it"
By this point I wanted to cry, it was just too much. He tried comforting me by putting his hand on my knee, and I felt better, but I couldn't forget what blackhoodie said.
On a tangent here:
Hassan is sometimes so triggeringg, he calls me "huge" (referring to being older, he has terrible grammar/vocab) and like "big" and I honestly find it unnerving and annoying. Idk bro we'll see how things go, but for rn and tomorrow I told him I need some space cause I feel like I can't breathe
#10
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Posted 13 April 2022 - 05:20 AM
8th March, 2022 | 5th Shaban 1443
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: 3 ✔️
Calories in: 500 ✔️
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -
Skincare: -
Sleep: -
Exercise: ✔️
Quran: ✖️
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
1: faux egg fried rice = 225
2: egg omelet + tea with sugar + mango = ~275
Life:
I'm so stressed, exam week starts Thursday (day after tomorrow!) with Eng Lang being the first exam. I honestly don't give a shit though, it's just mocks man I'm gonna take a chill pill for now. Maybe. No seriously, I will. (No I won't, I'm an overachiever)
Planning on studying only English tomorrow, and waking up at 3 to do so. Gonna sleep by 10:30/11 I'm so tired todayy
Omggg let me tell you what happened today. So I spent most of my time with my best friends rather than Hassan, and honestly I felt soooo refresheddd.
Our school has been doing some renovations, they made two new volleyball/throwball courts (thank the lord). My best friend wanted to go play throwball during our last lesson, "assembly" (assembly = free) at the new courts cause they looked stunning.
I didn't wanna go cause they were under the sun, and I was obviously going to get tanned. She took me to fill our water bottles, and then dragged me with her into the field cause the entrance of the field was right near the water filters (sneaky little bitch lmao).
But honestly, I had the best day of my lifeeee, I even got in 45 min+ of throwball and volleyball so counts as exercise!
I've seen the benefits of exercising on my own bodyy, it makes me soo happy and just feel soo good. Soo, me being a lazy ass has decided to try and exercise every other day, and then up it to every day when I'm slightly fitter than before
#11
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- Locationnear the equator, in a really hot place
Posted 13 April 2022 - 05:23 AM
9th March, 2022 | 6th Shaban 1443
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: 4 ✔️
Calories in: 500 ✔️
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -
Skincare: -
Sleep: -
Exercise: ✖️
Quran: ✖️
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
grazing today = 500
Life:
Posting for yesterday since I can't be arsed and was too stressed studying. Well how nice that I'm posting an hour before my exam, way to go girll. I had pretty crappy food choices since I was too tired and stressed to make food lol. I know I'm not gonna eat junk again (liess), so not worth it.
I want more foood ugh
So, Hassan and I got into a little fight yesterday about us not working out. He left when he was mad, and got into an accident. He could have been killed because of me. I feel so guilty, he loves me so much and I keep pushing him away. I don't know if he's the right one for me, or if he's who I want.
We resolved the issue between us, I'm basically going to focus on exams right now, and not message him. Either way, I've told him that from now until April, let's just not talk because we have our MUN conference, and our mock exams, and our CIES. He was pretty understanding so that's great.
And for some goddamn reason, I told Hassan about my ED, and how I try to stay under 500 kcal a day. Dudeee, he was so understanding and supportive, and told me to just try to up my intake slowly. I told him I have Saturdays where I do 1500, so maybe when I feel a bit better I'll start introducing 2 days of maintenance, and then eventually 3.
What I noticed this time around (as in this relapse) was that I'm trying to maintain a positive body image, while restricting. Not sure how that works but yeah, it going all right for me. I don't hate myself like I used to (although sometimes I do), and I think I look like a pretty (a lil' not like stunning or anything) young lass. Anyways, off on a tangent here, imma yeet before I waste too much time on here
I'll post today's intake sometime later today or even tomorrow
#12
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- Locationnear the equator, in a really hot place
Posted 13 April 2022 - 05:27 AM
10th March, 2022 | 7th Shaban 1443
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: 0 ✖️
Calories in: 1500 ✖️
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -
Skincare: -
Sleep: -
Exercise: ✖️
Quran: ✖️
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
maintenance = 1500
Life:
I've been quite busy with studying and all, so haven't spent much time on here. My language exam went pretty well todayy, I think I'll get an A or maybe hopefully an A*.
Sooo updates for yesterday that I forgot to add:
-mom fell
she slipped and fell at my brother's house because our cleaner had spilled water to mop the floor. I'm glad she didn't fall too badly, although she bruised her knee and hurt her arm and thigh.
-fire at neighbours
so there was a fire yesterday at the neighbour's place, the street opposite ours. I was so worried, we were just watching the smoke billow up in the air. We couldn't see the flames though
And my fatass decided to shift maintenance to today, which is fine with me lmao
I'm gonna eat more later, I'm stuffed rn
What happened today (rant and storyyy):
Ahhhh..... (stretches) lemme get started.
So all my friends at school today had their maths exam at 8 am this morning. I've already taken my CIES for Maths, Bio, and Chem last year, so I don't need to take mocks for no reason. I walked into school around 10:15 for the English exam at 11. Which btw went great!
Anyways, I see my best friend and she's all depressed, so I ask her what's wrong (honestly such a drama queen). I ask her how the maths exam went, I give her a hug which she barely returns. She brushes me off and tells me she wants to study alone and me and Hassan to "continue whatever without her." (Hassan, she, and I are kinda like a friend group)
I wonder what's wrong and look at Hassan, who shrugs his shoulders and is like "she told me she's not feeling well so we left the library cause Akshat (bestie's crush who rejected her) was sitting near us." How dramatic tbh.
I look at her retreating figure and decide that I'm gonna go study alone as well, with Hassan somewhere nearby. We walk into the bio lab thinking it's empty, guess who we see? Bestie's other best friend, Shaina, from NECTA (our school offers the national curriculum as well as IGCSE; bestie shifted from NECTA/national curriculum to IGCSE last year) sitting with her and chatting. Literally chatting away.
I look over at her, disgusted. She acts like someone's beaten her up with me, and then goes and acts perfectly fine with her friend. Call me "jealous" but she's acted so convincingly sick and victimised just to get out of school; I feel like slapping her to her senses sometimes. Every time I wake her up in class, when she's falling asleep, or every time I explain her a question she always gives me a bullshit attitude and tells me to "leave her alone." And guess what? Imma do just that. Swagggg
Anyways back to the story lmao. The whole NECTA class slowly filters out of the lab while I'm standing there awkwardly looking for a place to sit. I finally decide on a place, when H comes over to me and asks for locker keys. I give a pointed glance to bestie sitting on the other side of lab. He says, "she kinda ignored me...."
I roll my eyes, and shrug, knowing that her rude attitude is back when she's stressed. Although I get stressed too, that's no reason to be rude or ignore someone for no fucking goddamn reason. Either way, I give my keys to him and settle down with my books, flipping through them.
I realise that I don't have an eraser for my exam (I lost mine a couple days back). I know that bestie has two, and she has offered me one yesterday to use during the exam. I call her:
"heyy, do you have an eraser"
"yeah sure, here"
"you have two right?"
"..yeah I have a small one and a big one"
"would you be able to borrow me one during the exam?"
"....(shakes head demurely) no, sorry"
"...really? like you can't?"
"nope"
".....okay then"
"if you want one right now then here"
"......no it's..fine"
The tension in the air is as thick as butter. (At that point in time, I'm wondering why the hell anyone would not borrow their best friend an extra eraser they had. Now that I look back on it though, she may have had her genuine reasons.) I'm pissed, and I don't think she realises it's because of her "igaf about anyone" attitude. I've had enough. I walk out of the lab hoping to get some fresh air. I see H, grab my locker keys back from him, and he asks
"you okay?"
"I'm fine, just stressed"
"you don't look stressed, you look pissed. You mad at me?"
(I force a smile) "nah not mad at you. Trust me, it's just stress"
I walk away to my locker, and I meet my literal best friend from nursery, Raziya. I walk to her with a barely suppressed sob. Immediately she can tell what's wrong and I chalk it up to stress. I tell her what happened and how "bestie's" acting. I ask Raziya for her eraser, which even though she only has one, happily lends over to me to use.
We take a stroll, and her incessant bubbliness and laughter make me feel so much at ease and less stressed. This is the kind of people I wanna be around. This is who I vibe with. Not depressed and lost souls.
Soon I'm feeling a bit better with Raziya's encouraging words of "you'll ace itttt you're so smart come onnn, when have you ever failed language, it's sooo easy come on girlll you got thisss!!!" She joins me in the lab with Hassan and "bestie."
It's almost 10:50, time to get into the hall, so I start packing up my things while Hassan and "bestie" leave together. Raziya looks at me, laughs, gives me a tight hug, and says:
"you're stressed"
"Better than before haha"
"no, look girl you got this. I know you do, you're so goddamn smarttt"
"you know what? You're right (I grin). I don't care about mocks, I got this, I'm amazing and I can do thiss"
"(she laughs) you're still stressed"
"you helpedd, you really did"
I hug her and leave, yelling "I got thisss!" She grins in return and continues her work.
Zoom by past exam time, everything goes well, paper is easy, I get to talk to two of my other friends who did the maths exam; they were all really happy and positive about it. I give the eraser to Shaina (bestie's bff) to give to Raz, since she was in class. And then ofc I leave for home, and without a single word from "bestie." You'd think I did something wrong to offend her lmao.
Guess what I"m greeted with when I get back home?
Her message asking for the link for a past paper for the exam we have tomorrow.
I honestly feel so used. She can ignore me when she wants to, but I have to cater to all her wishes? No way in hell. Let alone being older than her, she has no iota of respect for me. Fuck this shit, I'm not her servant.
I think you can see how much I adoooree chocolate.
I love it, but never eat it, it's too many calories. And it often triggers a binge for me.
#13
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- 1835 posts
Advanced Sage
- Locationnear the equator, in a really hot place
Posted 13 April 2022 - 05:38 AM
11th March, 2022 | 8th Shaban 1443
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: 1 ✔️
Calories in: 500 ✔️
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -
Skincare: -
Sleep: -
Exercise: ✔️
Quran: ✖️
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
1: fruit bowl = 150
2: rice with pickles = 215
3: choccy = 120
Life:
Today was okay, Swahili exam was so hard I wanted to cry. I was about to hug Hassan and cry, but I controlled myself lmao.
Anyways, not much to update, she's still being bitchy and stuff. Didn't reply to her message, she could've figured whatever she wanted out herself. Hassan pressured me into switching my maintenance and regular day, so I decided to keep a penalty for myself for switching them. Switching it is fine with me, but I need to have a punishment in order to not do it often.
I'm gonna give myself the punishment I hate most: exercise. At least 20 min a day, for 1 week straight. Total exercise should be 2 hours or more. It can be in any form, but must involve continuous exercise, no breaks are counted as part of the time.
Yeah, can't believe it either. I'm so goddamn strict with myself like why
And we have PTC tomorrow, hah wish me luck. Not for me as a student lol, I mean me as a teacher meeting the parents for the first time. (gulps)
I'm still not done eating the rice and pickles yet. I get full pretty quickly these days. And I realised yesterday when I went to bed full, that I hate the feeling of being full. I hate it with a passion
#14
- Accountability access
- 1835 posts
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- Locationnear the equator, in a really hot place
Posted 13 April 2022 - 05:43 AM
12th March, 2022 | 9th Shaban 1443
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: 0 ✖️
Calories in: 950 ✖️
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -
Skincare: -
Sleep: -
Exercise: ✖️
Quran: ✖️
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
1: sweet potato, baked + kachumbar = 160
grazing = 790
Life:
Okay whew, loads of updates today. Idek where to start. Let's start with food. Okay fuck low restriction. And goddamn it why are baked sweet potatoes so damn delicious? They're SO GOOD. Like wtfff
I had a PTC today, met the parents of the students I was teaching at madressa. They were all really nice and overall accepted what I had to say!
I went waaaayy over today. I'm not going to beat myself up for this, as long as I eat under 1000.
So you know what? I'm starting high restriction. It's better for my body, plus I can have a few square meals every day.
For me, high restriction is around 800, so I'm deciding to do that every day. I'll see how my hunger is in the morning and then decide between 800-1000, but I also haven't been drinking water recently, so it's probably making me more hungry.
Or maybe I can compromise and do between 500-700. And since it's exam week, I might just do 800+ to keep my concentration levels up.
Ahh there's so many things to consider. I'll decide on the day I'm doing it.
And I haven't exercised today, fuck it man. Just fuck everything. I'm so tired
God this is exhausting. Tea on Hassan :
I've had to make a really hard decision about Hassan. I talked to my IB friend Raziya, she's also a teacher at madressa and so I saw her today. We were talking and I told her about Hassan and how I know he's not right for me but he likes me and etc. She really tried helping me especially with "bestie" and Hassan, and how to avoid and just break the relationship between me and Hassan.
I need to start making decisions for myself. I don't wanna hurt him tho. I feel so guilty, I feel like a horrible person. He's a nice guy but his personality is trash. Although he's trying hard to fit my expectations, but everyone's telling me that my expectations can't be this low. I know my expectations aren't that low, you can clearly see he's still hung up over his ex.
Raz's friend, Nidhi, made fun of him by calling me his ex's name (like passing by and saying "Hi [name of his ex]"). He split. Literally got madd and lashed out at her. The poor girl felt so bad, she immediately started apologizing.
Yep, even after more than a year, even after saying he "loves me" so many times, her name still strikes a nerve. I mean it's not surprising, I've been told by one of his and mine ex-close friend that he was "head over heels in love with her." He of course.....denies it. I've been told that he really loved her and they've been seen walking around holding hands. He's hugged her before.
I know he considers her a mistake, but he still can't seem to shake his feelings for her off. I believe what he says about not liking her.....but yk how you're always gonna have that spot in your heart for an ex? Yeah.
That aside, he has a shorter temper than meee!! I have a reaally short temper, so that's saying something. I've gotten mine so much more under control, but he's still a hotheaded kid. Yes kid, younger than me. Not that age matters (or does it?).
He's not right for me. We've tried not talking and cutting relations so many times. But I need to talk to him face to face and get it over with for once and for all. I messaged him once today, just to let him know that I needed to talk to him ftf. Raziya told me to do it face to face rather than over text. I'm doing it on the last day of exams. And guess what? We have that MUN conference literally a week later, where we're both ICJ judges and we gotta cooperate and work together. How great.
#15
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- 1835 posts
Advanced Sage
- Locationnear the equator, in a really hot place
Posted 13 April 2022 - 05:47 AM
13th March, 2022 | 10th Shaban 1443
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: 0 ✖️
Calories in: 2500 ✖️
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -
Skincare: -
Sleep: -
Exercise: ✖️
Quran: ✖️
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
binge = 2500
Life:
I binged...... I feel so disgustingly fat and bleugh
I can't believe it. I really need to take control of my meals and start disciplining myself. I've lost weight, I can feel it, I don't want to go and fuck it up again
I counted my calories though. The whole time.
I feel sick. I ate so much chocolate. I've decided that since I've gone so horribly over, I'm going to see my total calories for this month and then subtract all the days of calories from it. That way I can divide up the rest of the calories between the days remaining for march.
800* 31= 24,800
24,800 - (510 + 500 + 860 + 140 + 1500 + 460 + 530 + 500 + 1500 + 500 + 950 + 2500)
= 24,800 - 10,960 = 13840
31 - 13 = 18
13840/18 = 750.....not bad
Well, that's what I get for being such a pig. A fat pig. I had to even increase daily intake to 700. We're doing 500 again starting tomorrow
#16
- Accountability access
- 1835 posts
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- Locationnear the equator, in a really hot place
Posted 13 April 2022 - 05:50 AM
14th March, 2022 | 11th Shaban 1443
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: 1 ✔️
Calories in: 700 (increased limit) ✔️
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -
Skincare: -
Sleep: -
Exercise: ✖️
Quran: ✖️
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
grazing = 700
Life:
Ate loads today, went slightly over. My exams today were tiring as hell, I wrote more than 10 pages in total. And yet I still feel like I haven't written enough. Ah man.
Dad brought these two huge dragonfruit home, god blesss his soul he knows I love them. Oh I also made cookies today! 50 cal breakfast cookies with oats and raisinss!
Aint gonna beat myself up for the 100 kcal, just gonna minus from tmrw.
I'm so tired rn I'll update tomorrow with all the tea and etc
The cookies were so gooddd thoo, gonna eat them for breakfast with milk maybe. Or I'll crumble them and put it on yogurt. We shall decide tomorrow
#17
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- Locationnear the equator, in a really hot place
Posted 13 April 2022 - 05:53 AM
15th March, 2022 | 12th Shaban 1443
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: 0 ✖️
Calories in: 1600 ✖️
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -
Skincare: -
Sleep: -
Exercise: ✖️
Quran: ✖️
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
grazing = 1600
Life:
I keep eating too much. We're starting a fast from tomorrow, 12 am
#18
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- 1835 posts
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- Locationnear the equator, in a really hot place
Posted 13 April 2022 - 05:58 AM
16th March, 2022 | 13th Shaban 1443
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: 0 ✖️
Calories in: 1800 ✖️
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -
Skincare: -
Sleep: -
Exercise: ✖️
Quran: ✖️
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
food with fam = ~1800
Life:
*laughs hysterically*
*then breaks down crying*
Okay so I cried loads yesterday. First of all I had 3 physics exams today which I had to study for, and my fucking family brought guests over and my aunt, who's come over from a different part of the country, was throwing up the entire day.
Now you tell me. How the hell am I supposed to study with the sounds of someone hurling their guts up (on purpose, mind you) in the next room? Honestly pisses me off.
She tried curbing her diet (background info: she's from a wealthy family, so they gotta care about appearances and how she looks; aka body figure and etc so she tries not eating that much food to not gain weight lmao) so she wouldn't eat and she ended up getting acidity. And guess what she did to get to try rid of it? Yep, make herself throw up. Bulimia much, anyone? No seriously, she stuck three fingers down her throat and kept making herself throw up.
I was so fed up, my fam brought two nurses home, an IV drip stand, and god knows what else. That room she's staying in is gonna smell like the hospital soon. Thank god she's leaving today. Not that I hate her, I just need peace when I'm studying.
I said I was gonna fast lol. Ehh, it's exam week. I need food lol.
I had to eat lunch with fam today, there was no way out. I'm kinda relaxing today, trying to eat normally and stay OUT of the rabbit hole to a full-blown relapse. We have guests coming over tonight, sooo will have to eat dinner with them. If I'm hungry by then. I feel so full ugh.
Back to 500s tomorrow. I'm fasting on Saturday since I'm going to go to gym to weigh myself. Can't afford to have food weight logged on the scale. I've lost weight tho, my pants are looser, my arms are thinner, more defined face, and bottom of ribs sticking out. Hipbones are also back when lying down yay!
Let's hope the weight loss is 3+ kilos! Highly doubt it tho, so no expectations lmao.
Eating more does give you BM's mann. My stomach feels empty
#19
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Posted 13 April 2022 - 06:02 AM
17th March, 2022 | 14th Shaban 1443
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: 0 ✖️
Calories in: 1000 ✖️
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -
Skincare: -
Sleep: -
Exercise: ✖️
Quran: ✖️
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
1: fish and congee soup = 250
2: date and choccy = 750
Life:
I'm so tired ah. the fish was good. Better than good, it was delicious.
#20
- Accountability access
- 1835 posts
Advanced Sage
- Locationnear the equator, in a really hot place
Posted 13 April 2022 - 06:09 AM
18th March, 2022 | 15th Shaban 1443
Prayed: -
Days binge-free: 0 ✖️
Calories in: ~1000 ✖️
Days face-picking free: -
Hours of badminton: -
Skincare: -
Sleep: -
Exercise: ✖️
Quran: ✖️
Pages memorized: -
Pages reviewed: -
Currently reading:
-
Meals:
1: fish and congee soup = 250
2: date and choccy = 750
Life:
Feel like I finally have a break after exams phew!
Last two papers for history are on Tuesday, really excited for that since I love history with a passion. I fasted today as well, so no food for me until the evening lol.
Okay so I attempted nori-less sushi. Spoiler, it failed. I tried heating up regular rice and then rolling it lol it failed I think you get the memo by now. But it was yummyyy, I also made spicy mayo that they send you with sushi, SOO DELISH OMG. I added cucumbers and some pickles. It was really good, just wished it had ended up in neat little rolls.
my life rn:
So I'm not really in a great mood, my life feels like it's been turned on its head. Yesterday I found out after coming back from school that my grandfather didn't wake up early in the morning to open the door and let in our helper.
This was an anomaly because he was in the routine of waking up at 8 am for the past 30+ years. So my mom, who had woken up late rushed to his house and because she had the keys and she walked in to find my grandfather.....in a pool of blood.
She called my brother and they rushed him to the hospital and got stiches done on his head. We then found out that he had gotten a heart attack, then became disoriented, and slipped and fell in the bathroom. When they got there, they found out that he needed an angiogram. My family got it done, and then decided to go ahead with the angioplasty and stent.
The blockage in his heart was so large he needed two stents...After that he was doing well, he asked for me, but mom didn't allow me to go because of the bloody exams. They did a CT scan and found out that he also had a stroke, his second stroke. According to the doctors, he had a clot, 90% blockage and it could spread to other parts of his brain.
It feels like the same nightmare is replaying. The same happened with my grandmother, she fell, hit her head and we found out that she had an abscess in her brain. His brain cells are dying, the doctors said, but since they don't know the extent of the damage of the stroke, they don't know if it's going to take 1 month or 5 years. It's really scary, I broke down crying today on my prayer mat after I finished praying my evening prayers.
My only wish was for my grandparents to at least see my wedding if not my children. My grandmother passed away last year, and it has been barely over a year and now my grandfather. It's heartbreaking to say the least. What's worse is that mom's so strong, I really admire her. The death of my grandmother broke her but moulded her. She's gone through this with her mother, she said, so going through it again would just make her stronger. I feel like I'm the emotional child who's bawling my eyes out in the corner when I'm supposed to be strong for my family.
I'm just hoping and praying at this point.
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