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Advanced Warrior
Posted 19 April 2022 - 11:51 AM
█ Dear diary, it's me, Laganja
Had an awful day honestly. I was pumped to get to the grocery store this morning but when I woke up I could literally feel myself fainting, so I managed to measure out my blood pressure with the arm cushion thingy and it was 90/50, so I just kinda rolled back to bed and slept some more. Woke up at midday and found out that my brother was at home today and spent the whole afternoon with my ears covered, I hate when he's at home cause he goes around making noise and cursing God (which I hate) and generally acting like a lunatic. I cannot have a regular daily routine because of him, I always have to lookout for when he's in the kitchen, in the bathroom or anywhere around the house that is not my bedroom.
At some point I thought he was calling my name and threatening me and I was about to write a text message to my mum asking for help but I kinda realized I was being delusional. I was this close to avoid a binge but I gave in about an hour ago. Food will always be my comfort no matter what and I hate myself for it. I hope tomorrow I'll be able to wake up with normal blood pressure so I'll be able to go buy some fruit and veggies for my detox smoothie plan, I couldn't find my old PDFs but I think I'll create a new one on Excel if I'll feel like it.
I'm also considering creating a blog here on Mpa or a rant thread for my thoughts because living alone and having no one to talk to really does take a toll on my mental health, and I want to avoid spamming my accountability thread with my nonsense lol. It's just that idk writing out my thoughts helps. Though I think it's because I'm writing in English, I'm kinda estranging myself from my living situation, if I tried to write and reread myself in my native language I'd die from cringing and embarrassment.
I miss when I used physical exercising as a coping mechanism, but I wasn't living with my sociopath brother at that time and I wasn't experiencing delusions yet. Fml fml fml
SummerNight, on 28 Jan 2020 - 11:07 AM, said:
I fking love wikihow
#55 
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Advanced Warrior
Posted 24 April 2022 - 08:03 AM
█ Whatever
I'm not doing good at all honestly. I was scared of getting on the scale so I took a photo of the number while looking away, will see how this week goes and hopefully next Sunday I'll be back on track and have the courage to look at the pic I took today. Sleep is all over the place and psych said he doesn't want to give me stronger medication for it and that I need to commit to fall asleep earlier lmao. I'm done trying to look for help. I don't know how to deal with delusions, they get more intense everyday and I feel so hopeless I just start to cry.
I don't have a meal plan for next week yet, I was thinking maybe white rice and broccoli everyday but I'm not sure yet. Will update when I'll figure it out. Apologies for the lack of self control and laziness for not doing my usual stationary biking, I need to be better. Also holy shit I just realized next Sunday is my birthday fml
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#56
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Advanced Warrior
Posted 05 May 2022 - 07:55 AM
Hey hey hey I did not forget about my accountability. It's just that things are not looking too great for me at the moment. I slipped back into night eating syndrome because I'm taking Gabapentin together with Triazolam together and I don't know why but together they actually make me crave when taken together. They make me fall asleep better though, so. I really don't know what to do. Yesterday night I ate after some time I took medication, freaked out and threw up with immense difficulty and today I'm sore. I'm currently trying to accomplish a 72h fast, I started this morning but I don't know if I'll be able to complete it, I'll try as hard as I can. Hope I can recover from this, um, slip up so I can get back to my dear meal prep and shit.
I don't have a plan anymore, night eating syndrome has always been my worst nightmare and now I'm back in it.
#57
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Advanced Warrior
Posted 08 May 2022 - 05:29 AM
█ My weight is now 79.6kg
Holy shit it finally happened. I'm finally below the 80s.
-
█ 26/4 - 4/5 Accountability
-
█ 6/5 - 8/5, 72h fast completed ✓
-
That's all. Didn't do any exercise lately, unfortunately I'm a lazy piece of shit. I'm slowly adjusting to my meds and I think fasting helped lowering the hunger I feel when I take them.
-
█ Plan for next week:
- decide whether to get back to meal prep or what
- get back at cycling
- idk what else lol
- be more productive I guess
-
Also I've just noticed I didn't update for 2 weeks and lost all my peeps 
come back peeps, I still lurk all your accountability threads </3
#58
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Advanced Guru
Posted 08 May 2022 - 05:50 AM
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#59
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- 907 posts
Sage
- LocationThe Fridge
Posted 08 May 2022 - 06:14 AM
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#60
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Advanced Warrior
Posted 08 May 2022 - 12:18 PM
tilldeath, on 08 May 2022 - 05:50 AM, said:
yes to being in the 70kgs!!! well done!!
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Dr Pepper, on 08 May 2022 - 06:14 AM, said:
Woo 70's buddies! congrats on getting out of the 80's
Thank you both so much ; - ; <3
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Advanced Warrior
Posted 13 February 2022 - 09:13 PM
- Age > 25
- Height > 170cm - 5ft6 (idk)
__________________
- HW > 93kg - 205lbs
CW > 87kg - 192lbs(13/02/2022)CW > 83kg - 183lbs(13/03/2022)- CW > 79.6kg - 175.5lbs (08/05/2022)
- GW > 50kg - 110lbs
- UGW > 43kg - 95lbs
- Starting BMI > 32.18
- Goal BMI > 18
- coffee with sweetener for breakfast > lunch > dinner
- coffee with sweetener for breakfast > NO lunch > dinner (almost OMAD)
-
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#10
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- 258 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted 13 February 2022 - 09:40 PM
Alright I'm done editing the thread I think it looks decent enough.
It's almost 6 in the morning here and I don't know when I'll fall asleep. I'm thinking about either sticking to my restriction plan or trying to fast this week, cause yesterday at the weigh-in I was still stuck at 87kg. I'm trying to do the lose-20lbs-a-month challenge, but if my weight is already plateau-ing I don't know if I'll pull it off. Living on 500 calories a day is not that tragic, mostly because I'm a recluse and spend the entire day at the PC, so I don't consume much energy. I really need to get into the right mindset to be able to do some workouts.
I'm supposed to see my psych tomorrow afternoon, hopefully I'll be awake and he will prescribe me some medication that actually works for sleeping. Otherwise I'll be home sleeping.
Speaking of sleeping, I feel kinda tired now, so I guess I'll log off and try to get some rest. 
Age > 25
HW > 93kg - 205lbs
CW > 79.6kg - 175.5lbs
GW > 50kg - 110lbs
#11
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Advanced Warrior
Posted 15 February 2022 - 11:56 AM
Alright I went to my psych today. I explained as elegantly as possible that my meds don't do shit, then I showed him a stupid graph I did with Excel to monitor my sleep schedule and surprisingly he got super serious and kinda went like, holy shit your sleep is really fucked up.
I know it may sound like the most basic reaction possible, but I went to many doctors lately for my sleeping disorder, I even went to a sleep specialist last month, and they were all so condescending to me and never took me seriously. So this psych is really reassuring to me. He now prescribed a new therapy but most importantly he wrote me a prescription for a brain scan. This is big news. I've never done it in my life, ever. This is the first time a doctor actively tries to solve the root cause of a probable chronic condition I have.
I also talked a little more about my body dysmorphia and I couldn't stop thinking about it later, I really felt like a pig.
So that's it, today was good, except for the little mental breakdown. I slept from 8am to 1pm and my sleep schedule is all over the place, but tonight I'll try out the new meds. I've fasted for 24h now, I drank a cup of broth earlier and I feel ok, just tired.
Tomorrow I'll get back on track with some meal prep for the rest of the week. 
#12
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Advanced Warrior
Posted 16 February 2022 - 04:16 PM
Having a circadian rhythm disorder sucks. The new medication didn't work of course, but maybe that's because I slept from 8am to 1pm yesterday and with an already messed up schedule it made little sense taking meds anyway. I managed to complete a 48 hour fast because I slept during the day basically, I woke up today at 4pm and had dinner later at 7. I need to do some extra accountability because I haven't done this week meal prep yet.
So for dinner I had
canned mackerel - 150g - 198kcal
scrambled eggs - 2 medium - 130kcal
greek yogurt 0% - 85g - 49kcal
light berry jam - 30g - 11kcal
and later
4 Baci Perugina - 50g - 284kcal
so in total
672kcal
I should've avoided the Baci but I was really craving something to eat, I felt like almost succumbing into a binge. Luckily I feel much better now and I think I'll be good until tomorrow morning when I'll certainly have coffee. TMI - I was hoping this fast could boost my metabolism and alleviate my constipation but I still haven't pooped in 5 days, what the hell. It's because of my stupid sleep schedule. I took a laxative pill made of natural herbs earlier and I plan on taking one every day for the rest of the week, cause I'd be bummed to see the same number on the scale when I do the weigh-in again.
#13
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- 389 posts
Advanced Warrior
- LocationItaly
Posted 17 February 2022 - 11:23 AM
Hey Penny!
La tua accountability mi piace un sacco, è così bella e ordinata e wow. Scusami se non ti ho risposto, ma tutta la sezione dei messaggi non mi funziona più. Ho appena scaricato discord, se vuoi possiamo parlare lì: il mio username è lo stesso di qua, starvingfeather. Davvero, il tuo piano mi pare perfetto: buona fortuna, sarai bravissima. Un abbraccio <3
#14
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- 258 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted 18 February 2022 - 03:04 AM
starvingfeather, on 17 Feb 2022 - 11:23 AM, said:
Hey Penny!
La tua accountability mi piace un sacco, è così bella e ordinata e wow. Scusami se non ti ho risposto, ma tutta la sezione dei messaggi non mi funziona più. Ho appena scaricato discord, se vuoi possiamo parlare lì: il mio username è lo stesso di qua, starvingfeather. Davvero, il tuo piano mi pare perfetto: buona fortuna, sarai bravissima. Un abbraccio <3
Teso! Adesso provo a mandarti un messaggio privato qui col mio gametag perchè su discord non riesco a trovarti. Speriamo il bene, la vita è un casino ma almeno di questo posso riuscire ad avere il controllo. Un bacio cara <3
#15
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- 258 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted 19 February 2022 - 10:57 PM
Ayo so these days have been kinda weird but I managed to freerun my sleep schedule so that tonight I'll fall asleep at a normal time. I did not do meal prep at all in the end, but I'm doing my Week 7 plan next week, so I'm putting out some extra accountability.
█ On Feb18 I had
- coffee - 1 cup - 0kcal
- broth - 2cups - 34kcal
-
- canned mackerel - 75g - 100kcal
- scrambled eggs - 2 medium - 130kcal
- greek yogurt 0% - 85g - 49kcal
- light berry jam - 30g - 11kcal
-
- TOTAL - 325kcal
___________________
█ On Feb19 I had
- coffee - 1 cup - 0kcal
- almond milk - 200ml - 50kcal
- broth - 1 cup - 17kcal
-
- coffee - 1 cup - 0kcal
- 2 bisuits - 46kcal
-
- scrambled eggs - 2 medium - 130kcal
- meatballs - 3 med/small - 156kcal
- greek yogurt 0% - 85g - 49kcal
- light berry jam - 30g - 11kcal
- banana - 1 medium - 105kcal
-
- TOTAL - 565kcal
___________________
█ On Feb20 (today) I will have
- coffee - 1 cup - 0kcal
- almond milk - 200ml - 50kcal
- broth - 1 cup - 17kcal
-
- fettuccine - 100g - 288kcal
- shrimps - 100g - 35kcal
- mushrooms - 100 g - 22kcal
- cherry tomatoes - 50g - 9kcal
- light cooking cream - 84g - 92kcal
- greek yogurt 0% - 85g - 49kcal
- light berry jam - 30g - 11kcal
-
- TOTAL -
506kcal573kcal*
#16
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Advanced Warrior
Posted 25 February 2022 - 10:46 AM
The world is burning, war has started and I'm coming at you with a boring update, yay.
█ I went to take a brain scan yesterday for my sleeping disorders, results should come back in 2 weeks but even then I'd be seeing my psych in the end of March, and he's the one who knows how to read them, so. I'll be waiting.
-
█ Yesterday was Fat Thursday - basically when Carnival starts here in Italy, and my dad went and bought some typical pastries. I would've felt like shit if I said no so I ate some. I thought I was feeling ok but after 10 minutes I started panicking because I really couldn't define the calories as they were extra high but instead of having a breakdown I went to the bathroom and managed to purge them. I didn't remember it being so painful, but I felt relieved afterwards. Here comes the TMI -
-
█ What I'm afraid of is that when I'll weigh myself on Sunday is finding out I'm still on a plateau.
I went back and looked at my weigh-ins during January and created a graph on Excel:
What happened in the week between Jan-23 and Jan-30 was that I upped my TDEE to 800-900 calories because I was still trying to workout and I was feeling too weak. On Saturday, Jan-29 I cooked for my family and ate pasta, so on Sunday I was feeling extra bloated and that's why the weight went up... BUT. The week after I followed my 500-calorie plan and on the next date my weight went down again, more than it was on Jan-23. So now what I'm thinking is if on Feb-27 my weight is plateauing again, I'm going to up my TDEE again and first of all see if I can have a metabolism boost, then the following week restrict again to 500 and see if I lose weight. Meanwhile all I'll take will be magnesium like people suggested in a thread to help with BM, but no lax. It's kind of a kamikaze plan but the constipation is killing me and I'm tired of plateauing already.
Alternatively, if on Sunday I'm not plateauing, I could continue with my 500-calorie plan and attempt to fast the week after (?). But this plan is not ideal, my parents would freak out at the idea of me not eating for a full week. Truth is I don't even know if I could do it, I only did a 48-hour fast last week and was feeling exhausted.
Also I'm planning of getting back to exercising in March, LIIT workouts for at least 40 minutes a day. I hope my sleep schedule doesn't fuck up too terribly. I'll update on weigh-in day.
#17
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Advanced Warrior
Posted 27 February 2022 - 03:25 AM
█ My weight is now 84.6kg
That means I've lost 1.2 kilos this week.
So I'm not plateauing 
pennycreep, on 25 Feb 2022 - 10:46 AM, said:
So now what I'm thinking is if on Feb-27 my weight is plateauing again, I'm going to up my TDEE again and first of all see if I can have a metabolism boost, then the following week restrict again to 500 and see if I lose weight. Meanwhile all I'll take will be magnesium like people suggested in a thread to help with BM, but no lax. It's kind of a kamikaze plan but the constipation is killing me and I'm tired of plateauing already.
Alternatively, if on Sunday I'm not plateauing, I could continue with my 500-calorie plan and attempt to fast the week after (?). But this plan is not ideal, my parents would freak out at the idea of me not eating for a full week. Truth is I don't even know if I could do it, I only did a 48-hour fast last week and was feeling exhausted.
^ I'm still conflicted on this.
I think in the end what I'll do is follow my initial plan for Week 8 and then I could try a fasting/detoxing week based purely on liquids and after that start over again on Week 1 - but restricted. Hopefully I'll make my mind up by tomorrow and I'll update my plans.
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#18
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Warrior
Posted 27 February 2022 - 05:52 AM
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#19
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Advanced Warrior
Posted 28 February 2022 - 03:13 AM
Adimosity, on 27 Feb 2022 - 05:52 AM, said:
Ultimately if you keep restricting you will loose sooner or later. But it’s frustrating. I do find that when I fuck up for a bit I can definitely drop more faster for a short while.
It really is frustrating huh. I just wish I had the confidence to exercise cause I know I'd lose much more. But yeah little fuck ups usually give you a little boost. Thanks for stopping by <3
#20
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Advanced Warrior
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- 735 posts
Advanced Guru
Posted 10 May 2022 - 08:03 AM
oh no i didn't realise we'd all gotten booted out of your followers!! ah i'm really sorry you've been dealing with so much shit lately, it's amazing that you're still making good progress while having to deal with delusions, sleep deprivation, meds AND side effects (and your brother, who sounds really difficult to live with... is he leaving soon?). i hope things get better for you soon either way 🎀🎀 and congratulations on hitting the 70s!!
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#62
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- 258 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted 10 May 2022 - 09:10 AM
earthmoon, on 10 May 2022 - 08:03 AM, said:
oh no i didn't realise we'd all gotten booted out of your followers!! ah i'm really sorry you've been dealing with so much shit lately, it's amazing that you're still making good progress while having to deal with delusions, sleep deprivation, meds AND side effects (and your brother, who sounds really difficult to live with... is he leaving soon?). i hope things get better for you soon either way and congratulations on hitting the 70s!!
Tysm for checking in babe <3 honestly delusions got a little better lately and at least I can get out of my house without worrying too much. Life at home is difficult when my brother is around, but as I've already mentioned to you I really don't consider him family anymore, I just don't care what can I say 
so many wasted opportunities for him to try and be better and yet actively chooses to be difficult to all of us. I don't see him going anywhere any soon, hopefully I'll be the one to get away one way or another lol.
I hope I can keep this up and hopefully be 75 in a month or so! I don't know how you manage to keep up your exercising routine, I find it so inspiring, I really envy you <3
Age > 25
HW > 93kg - 205lbs
CW > 79.6kg - 175.5lbs
GW > 50kg - 110lbs
#63
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- 258 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted 12 May 2022 - 06:53 AM
█ Little update
I've managed to meal prep this week and all is going relatively smoothly, I might say. I'm doing OMAD and drinking sugar-free orange juice from time to time. I'm planning on doing a fast on Saturday but I'm not sure.
That's all lol.
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Age > 25
HW > 93kg - 205lbs
CW > 79.6kg - 175.5lbs
GW > 50kg - 110lbs
#64
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Advanced Guru
Posted 12 May 2022 - 08:50 AM
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#65
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- 258 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted 12 May 2022 - 11:29 PM
tilldeath, on 12 May 2022 - 08:50 AM, said:
ooh what have you meal prepped? i always wanna do that im just so lazy
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Some chicken, mushrooms and spinach omelette! Yeah I'm very lazy too lol but it comes a time where I just go "alright, I've got to do this", I find it a super convenient method cause I just cook once for all seven days of the week and that's it
Age > 25
HW > 93kg - 205lbs
CW > 79.6kg - 175.5lbs
GW > 50kg - 110lbs
#66
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- 258 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted Today, 04:45 AM
█ My weight is now 78.8kg
I'm too lazy to post the graph lmao sorry ; - ;
I did my Week 3 meal plan, on Friday I ate 500kcal of breadsticks (lol what) and fasted on Saturday. Sadly no physical exercise last week, but I hope I will make it up in this one.
I still have two extra meal prep containers to finish, then I think that I will do the tomato and egg diet diet for the rest of the week.
Nothing too exciting, I feel weird lately. The other day I saw my reflection into a store window and it made me want to cry, I look massive. I generally avoid looking at my reflection in the mirror when I shower because my body dysmorphia is that bad. The thought of my body figure next to other ones makes me panic.
I'm seeing my psych this week for some med adjustments and also because I'm going crazy lol but I'm afraid he will be useless (as usual) because he doesn't believe me so it's whatever.
Thinking about dieting and restriction is the only thing that keeps me sane honestly. I miss the mindset I had years ago where I also thought about exercising to stop thinking about things. I really don't know what happened, human mind truly is an abyss.
Oh well. Gotta keep losing
Age > 25
HW > 93kg - 205lbs
CW > 79.6kg - 175.5lbs
GW > 50kg - 110lbs
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