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Posted 10 May 2022 - 02:13 AM
5/9/22 PM Entry:
Big news: I QUIT MY JOB. 
And I went out in style too. So basically I went into work, and had to wait for my boss for 20 fucking minutes for the "mask meeting" where she literally just told me how to wear the straps-which I already knew how to use lmfao. The mask was an issue for me because I was having terrible tachycardia (resting bpm was 136 before work) and the mask was SUFFOCATING. I could barely breathe, I swear to god. This thing was so tight on my face-it was squishing my cheeks up and the condensation from my breath was accumulating in the mask. But I was like "ok, I can manage this mask for 10 days, as long as I'm making money."
So then I head to my department, where I've worked for almost 8 months, and my lead was INCREDIBLY rude to me. I asked her about my assignment for the day, because I was 20 minutes late to the floor due to the ridiculous meeting. She looked at me and snarkily spits "I took your name off the board. You're in packout permanently now." And then silently but vehemently lead me to my "new" department. I'd covered in packout a few times before and immediately knew this was my last day. Packout is exactly what it sounds like, putting the products in boxes and sealing them for shipping. I was already dissatisfied with my job, but the only thing that really kept me attending was that in my department we work with machines and produce the product-providing the bare minimum of mental stimulation I require at work. If I had stayed in packout...holy fuck I would have gone insane.
I told myself I would be open to the universe's guidance. I find it interesting that I grabbed my Labradorite on my way to work as well (stone promoting positive transformation). The past few weeks/months have been leading to this and today was the day I said enough. I'm done. I honestly felt so disrespected by my lead today. Yes, I know I missed two weeks in April because of my hand (a valid reason imo), and then another 4 days last week due to THE COMPANY'S PROTOCOL. Every day, I went in I tried 110% to do my best, to learn new things and to be inquisitive, and surpass my previous highest daily output And she felt ok to treat me like that because I've been having medical issues lately?? I feel like her moving me to packout was a form of retaliation for missing those days. I'm considering contacting a lawyer to see if I could maybe sue. It's iffy though because I was a temp, and technically I can be moved from department to department whenever. I just think the timing was odd. So ONTO MY STYLISH BADASS EXIT!!! I worked in packout up until the first 15 minute break, so for about 1.75 hours, clocked out and just left. It felt great, leaving the security gate for the last time. This job has been weighing me down for so many reasons, and yes the money was good, but I have moves I want to make in my life and I think this was the universe telling me "Get a move on girl <3"
Wow, today was such a roller coaster. Got no sleep, and quit my job. But I'm feeling very optimistic about the future. I'm going into that restaurant tomorrow morning to talk to the owner, and the pay rate is only slightly lower than my previous job. I'm probably going to do a citrine meditation before, as it's great for promoting abundance and opportunities. My boyfriend's aunt is also offering to help me get a job as a front desk clerk at a hotel. They pay is better at the hotel job, however I am going back to school, and I can't be doing 40 hour work weeks. The most I can do is 25hrs while in school. School doesn't start until September so in the meantime I could do around 30 hours a week at this restaurant. Since I will have an extra 10-15 hours a week, I'm also going to dip my toes into freelance writing. I'm not expecting to make crazy $$ from it but if I can get one article a week for $50, that's an extra $200 a month. I'll have to wait a little bit on that though because joining a beginners freelance writing site is about $50 and I'll be tight on cash the next few weeks.
My BDD is still running wild, and that mask from work that squished all my face fat together surely didn't help. I only took 23mg of adderall today, which is drastic decrease from yesterday. Yet, I still haven't eaten much. So far I've had the Koia Protein and Suja Ginger Love. I'm sipping on my truly as I write this. My fluids are LOW low. I've only had that Ginger juice, 60 oz of water (almost done with the last bottle though), a cup of tea and this truly. After I finish writing this I'll have another cup of tea and maybe the Olipop Tonic if I'm not too tired.
I should be getting to sleep soon, I have a fair amount of preperations to complete in the morning for going into the restaurant. I'm probably gonna touch up my resume, schedule out my morning, update my final intakes and go to sleep.
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Posted 10 May 2022 - 04:49 PM
5/10/22 Entry
Weight: 131.4 
Well, at least it's down but it's so annoying, could've been in the 120's if I hadn't gone on a 3 day binge.
Planned Intake: 1095
Actual Intake: 895
- 2 White Claw Tall Cans-340
- NYF Alcoholic Root Beer-190 (says 177 but...I'm rounding up)
ZonePerfect Protein Bar-220- Happy Viking Protein Drink-150
Suja Happy Green Cold Pressed Juice-80 (?)- Yasso Greek Yogurt Bar-100
- Unplanned: Yasso Greek Yogurt Bar-100
- Body Armor Light-15
Planned Fluids: 246.4 oz (ik it sounds like a lot but 50.4 is alcohol fluids)
Actual Fluids: 186.4 oz
- 2 19.2 oz White Claws-38.4
- 12 oz NYF Root Beer-12
- 50 oz water bottle-50
- 2 30 oz water bottles-60
2 17 oz cups of tea-3412 oz Suja Juice-12- 12 oz Body Armor Light-12
28 oz Powerade Zero-28- 1/2 28 oz Powerade Zero-14
AM Entry: So I got like 6 hours of sleep. I'm fucking exhausted. Woke up to see the scale down finally and that was a nice-ish feeling. Would feel better if it was back in the 120's but whatever. It is what it is I guess. I fucked up and have to deal with the consequences.
I went into the restaurant to apply, but the wrong guy (there are two people by the same name there) was in so I just dropped off my resume and went to my friends house afterwards. It was fun. I had one white claw and then left when she had to go pick her kid up. On my way home I stopped off at the 99 cent store and grabbed some stuff to continue organizing the room. Now I'm drinking my second white claw. I will not allow myself to have any more alcohol after I finish the NYF root beer. I'll wait about an hour or two after finishing it and pop a xanax. I'm a little nervous about going on a binge because I'm drinking, but I just need to make sure I don't get drunk. If I just maintain my buzz I won't binge, it only happens when I'm drunk. I'm also gonna hella hydrate today because I'm having three drinks and am scared I'll bloat tomorrow and the scale will be up again.
I don't have too much on the agenda for today. I'm just gonna tidy the room, clean the birds cage and chill on my laptop. I need to schedule a few appointments as well but that's it.
I gotta tell you, it feels great not having to deal with the stress of my previous job. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders. The next few days I'll handle things I wasn't able too because of my job and *hopefully if I get hired* start work on Monday or Tuesday.
#146
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Posted 11 May 2022 - 02:47 PM
5/11/22 Entry
Weight: 131.5 I just fucking can't anymore. 
I'm not drinking any alcohol for a month.
Planned Intake: 300
Actual Intake: 60
- 5 Sour Patch Kids-45
Happy Viking Protein Drink-150- Body Armor Light-15
Bai Antioxidant Kula Watermelon Drink-10Comforts Apple, Oatmeal & Cinnamon Baby Puree-80
Planned Fluids: 195 oz
Actual Fluids: 149 oz
- 4 30 oz water bottles-120
- 12 oz Body Armor Light-12
18 oz Bai-1828 oz Powerade Zero-28- 17 oz cup tea-17
AM Entry: I am getting so over this!!! >_< Just stuck in the stupid 130's. And it's even fucking worse because I GOT TO THE 120's then binged back into the low 130's. AGH. I've come to the resolve I'm not going to drink any alcohol for a month, or at least until I get to 125, I guess whichever comes first. I bet I would've been at least 130.something today if I hadn't drank yesterday. I'm so prone to water retention. I'm not sure if it's cause I used to really struggle with purging back in my teens, or just genetics but it doesn't really matter why I guess. So to help my body drop this water retention I'm gonna be drinking mad fluids today, no solid foods and I'm deep cleaning/organizing my room and bathroom to break a sweat and may even go to the gym tonight. 300 is the max I'll allow myself for calories, I might not have the baby puree. (And I know the sour patch kids are random, I woke up and felt like my blood sugar was super low and had them b/c my boyfriend left them on his desk and they were the first thing I saw. I guess I'm not 100% doing no solid foods today cause of those lol.)
I now have no reason to not be working out, and will be making a workout schedule for this week. I may go to the gym tonight, or I may start tomorrow, it just depends on how I feel after all the cleaning. But a workout schedule will be coming today and THIS time, it will remain a permanent staple in my life and on my accountability.
I woke up today around noon. *Ugh.* I need to make sure to keep my sleep schedule regulated even though I'm not working currently. When I don't have a reason to wake up, I just sleep late and stay up late. I'll make daily to-do lists (luckily I don't have to rigidly schedule everything anymore haha) so I'll at least have some motivation to not sleep in. I would like to be up between 8:30-9am everyday.
Yesterday I went to the 99 cent store to organize the room more and I'm looking forward to getting started on that after this. I love organizing stuff. I just love order/plans in general; mentally and in my space. I also have to finish cleaning the bird's cage. I got most of it done last night, reorganized and cleaned their perches and the cleaned the cage bars, but was to exhausted to do the bottom-where majority of the poop collects.
I heard from the hiring manger at the restaurant I'm applying too. He said I would be able to start next month at the new location, and train at the current location. I was hoping to start sooner, but that's ok. I have one more full paycheck coming this week, and next week I'll get paid for like 2 hours (since I quit on my first break Monday haha) so I'll have enough money for my bills this month. I can do instacart for food/unnecessary expenses until I start working again. It's not ideal, I don't really like doing instacart, but if I do like 3 orders a day I can make like 200-300 a week depending on the tips. Hopefully I make enough to at least keep buying my safe foods and drugs lol.
Speaking of safe foods, I'm fucking annoyed with my bf's mom. She ate ALL my goddamn organic frozen cherries, which were $5.99. Like I know I'm slow to eat food I have in the fridge and freezer but that doesn't mean it's an invitation to eat it. A few days ago she told me, "I had some of your cherries" and me, trying to be nice was like "oh that's ok." I didn't mean it's ok to eat ALL OF THEM. Fuck man. And now I don't have the same food budget to replace them. Oh well, I still have my other frozen fruits to use whenever I decide to make my smoothie. And my oatmilk is safe, it's hidden under my spinach and kale haha, nobody in this house is interested in that.
The universe is putting a lot of energy out right now, and I am feeling it. Honestly, I think I unconsciously felt it and acted on the cosmic energy and after watching the weekly Energy Forecast I made the correlation to it. On May 15th, there is a Scorpio blood moon lunar eclipse and the energy for that is building. Scorpio is all about "rising from the ashes", it's thought of to be like a phoenix type of feeling. And I can definitely relate to that in my life right now. I am just leaving a job that was putting immense mental stress on me, and am in the process of going back to school and redefining my path in life. I'm also still working on getting more in touch with the cosmic energy and my own personal energies. There's a lot of other stuff going on and all of it is being intensified by this upcoming eclipse. Pluto is in retrograde which is a great time for listening to your inner self and being aware and open to discovering things you may not have known about internally and even externally. It's also helpful in looking over past struggles and coming to closure with it. Just a good time for reflection basically. Also Jupiter entered Aries, for the first time in 12 years!! This is major because Aries is all about like drive and passion and Jupiter rules over growth and expansion. So basically it's a really good time to push yourself a little out of your comfort zone and try something new or something that feels a little out of reach. (And when I say "you" I just mean in general. Idk if anyone reading this gives a rats ass about astrology and cosmic energy, and I'm not saying you as in you, it's just the energy that's out there for everyone to tap into if they so please). I could go on and on about the energetic shifts occurring right now, but I won't lol. But anyways, I don't know, I just think that the timing of everything in the universe is really aligning with my personal goals and ways of thinking.
That's about it for now. I'm gonna get my fat ass up and get cleaning and organizing. <3
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Posted 11 May 2022 - 09:54 PM
5/11/22 PM Entry
I spent most of the day organizing stuff and cleaning. My bathroom looks amazing, lmao I spent most of the day working on it. I'm talking like deep deep cleaning. I scrubbed behind the toilet, top of the door jam, the cabinets....I got new makeup organizers from the 99cent store yesterday and reorganized and cleaned all my makeup and hygiene stuff. I plan on organizing the cabinets and drawers tomorrow. I finished mopping not too long ago and now I'm just waiting for the floor to dry and I'm gonna shower. I feel like I'm covered in grime.
Because I was so preoccupied with cleaning, I'm only just starting to drink my third water bottle. I need to start chugging lol. I haven't had any of my planned calorie intake yet (besides the sour patch kids). I might have something later, not sure though. I took about 45mg of adderall today and my appetite isn't too present.
My boyfriend surprised me with two white claw surges when he got home....the temptation to have one is so real, but I'm gonna really try to not drink them. It would be nice to have one with half a bar for the comedown on this adderall but fuck I just can't have any alcohol tonight. I really fucking can't if I want to get out of the stupid 130's once and for all. So I'll just distract myself from them by making my workout schedule, writing my to do list for the week and take 2 xans. I need to do some research on parakeet training as well, because my birds are not tame. They're still afraid of hands and I want to train them to be comfortable with hands so eventually they can start hitching rides on my shoulders and interacting with my boyfriend and I more.
I'm nervous for tomorrow morning because I get my last real paycheck. It should be a full paycheck even though I was out last week because CA law has supplemental covid pay for up to 80 hours. I only missed 4 days from that covid bullshit, so that's 32 hours. I'm not sure how long it will take to process though, I might get it in two weeks? I'm worried that because I quit the day I got back from it they'll try and not give it to me. If I don't have it in two weeks, I'll contact a lawyer.
Okay, the bathroom floor should be dry by now. This bitch is gonna go shower cause I feel hella grimy from cleaning the bathroom that deeply lol. I'll update again later.
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Posted 12 May 2022 - 03:11 AM
5/12/22 PM Update Pt. 2
Honestly, today has been a blur. I took my bath, and the xans were effective in helping combat the anxious comedown of adderall but it's a weird combo for me. I feel relaxed but up all at once. It would be great if it wasn't fucking almost 3am lmao.
I got my to do list done for tomorrow, and a light workout is included. I have a lot to handle tomorrow. I have a lot to get done around the room still, am going into my community college to figure out the re-enrollment process, have therapy at 2:45 and am going to my dad's afterwards.
I know working out is essential at this stage of my weight loss if I want to be toned and not skinny fat, and I desperately want to to get to the gym, but getting this room organized and clean is something I HAVE to do. With how intense I am with the cleaning, I feel like it can count towards a light workout. So I'm considering getting the room settled, should be all done by Saturday, and then begin actual workouts. I don't know yet, I'll think about it more. I just hate feeling like I'm pushing it off.
My paycheck came in and it was a full one, thank god. Now I don't have to stress so much about necessary bills for this month. I'm gonna budget tomorrow morning and figure everything out then.
I haven't had anything but the sour patch kids to eat. I have had all 4 water bottles and the body armor light. I'm not sure if I'll have that Powerade and tea and Bai (plus it has caffeine, not what I need rn lol) considering the time. I guess the Powerade would be more fluids, but it also has sodium which doesn't help with losing water retention weight. So I'll opt for the tea. I'm really proud of myself that I didn't drink those beers. <3 I better be at least 130 tomorrow or idefk how I'll react.
OH AND I DIDN'T POST MY BODY CHECK PIC this week yet. I took one but forgot to upload it. I'll do that tomorrow.
I'm gonna make my tea, hang on the MPA forums for a bit and go to sleep soon. Goodnight amigos. 
#149
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Posted 12 May 2022 - 05:50 PM
5/12/22 Entry
Weight: 130.8 Well...at least I'm a pound away from being back in the 120's. *sighs* This is taking a while though.
Planned Intake: 475
Actual Intake: 155
Suja Mighty Green Juice-80Suja Immunity Shot-20Kind Blueberry and Vanilla Supergrain Bar-140Koia Protein Drink-190- Body Armor Light-15
- 6 Altoids-30
- Unplanned: 1/2 White Claw Surge-110
Planned Fluids: 183 oz
Actual Fluids: 249 oz
4 30 oz water bottles-120- 5 30 oz water bottles-150
- 3 17 oz cups of tea-51
- 12 oz Body Armor Light-12
- Unplanned: 28 oz Powerade Zero-28
- Unplanned: 8 oz White Claw-8
Workout: Deep cleaning and organizing the room (day 2)
Entry: So it's a little late in the day haha, it's already 5:30pm. I woke up at 8:30, went to the bathroom and hopped on the scale (as usual). Pretty disappointed that I'm not back in the 120's yet. Like I fucking had 60 goddamn calories yesterday. That should've been enough to get me there. I need to fucking start meeting my goddamn fluid goals. Normally it's ok if I'm under, cause I plan for a LOT, but I feel like I'm still retaining water from that 3 day binge. Idfk.
I haven't gotten any cleaning done yet. Spent the morning on the laptop budgeting and applying for temporary unemployment (took for fucking ever). I hope my claim is accepted, but it's not for sure because I quit. So we'll see. Either way I have instacart so I'm not stressing it too much.
I had therapy and it was actually good. I had been feeling like I wasn't gaining much from it; leaving sessions feeling like I hadn't gained any insight and wasn't left with anything to think about after the sessions throughout the week. I'm better at expressing myself when I write, so I wrote out my feelings and ideas and what works best for me and read it to him. I basically told him that I wasn't feeling like I'm learning anything new myself and improving my ways of thinking. I told him that I do well with written assignments and writing is easier for me to express myself than verbally. I also explained how I dissociate a lot, and when asked "how was your week?" the only thoughts that come to mind are about food and weight and the rest of the week is nothing but a vague blur that feels like eons ago. I also mentioned how I think my upbringing/childhood still effects my thought-emotion-behavior cycle and that it would be helpful to go over some of my childhood trauma to work on that cycle. He was very receptive to it and told me to start writing down a few things that are troubling me throughout the week-as they pop into my head-and he would start thinking about assignments to give me.
Then I went to my dad's house and we talked about me moving in. It's gonna happen. I have mixed feelings about it, like I'll miss living with my boyfriend, but at the same time this house has such bad, toxic energy. I'm trying to improve my mental health and really work on finding inner peace and being surrounded by hostility, yelling and selfishness is not what I need. So sometime in July I'll be moving out and moving in to my dad's. I know my bf's mom is gonna be pissed but that's not my problem. I'm not on the lease, and I live here illegally b/c they're on housing. So I pay for their reduced housing. It sucks for my bf cause he's gonna have to pay more but whatever. His mom is the one who made the agreement with the oldest brother that he didn't have to pay rent so he could "save up to move out".
I'm kind of bummed because my registration tags came in the mail, but my dad lost em. It's okay though, I'm sure it'll turn up.
I'm currently on my second water bottle, and already had one cup of tea. Haven't had anything to eat, except two altoids (make that three just had another one lol).
**My boyfriend is about to be back, I was just about to upload latest body check pic-I'll do it when he goes out to smoke weed later.**
I'm gonna get to cleaning now, as that's my workout.
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Posted Yesterday, 02:52 AM
5/12/22 PM Entry
Today wasn't what I was expecting at all. I got a package from my best friend in the entire world, like it felt like we were soul mates for best friendship, it wasn't romantic or anything but our friendship was amazing and our energies balanced each other so well. He was seriously the sweetest, kindest, most generous and thoughtful person I have ever met. Well, I lost him to suicide April 9, 2019. His passing has been very very hard for me and I still really struggle with it. His mom went through his room last month and found a bunch of stuff he had made and written for me. She sent it for him a few weeks ago and I got it today. I lost my fucking shit when I went through the contents. He was such a gentle loving soul and reading his poems and letters to me and looking over collages he made for me had me UGLY crying, like I'm talking drool level crying. So that just sent me into a really depressed state that led quickly into intense dissociation. I have felt so....not 'here' since this. Everything feels like it's fake, like I'm not in reality. While I'm typing, looking down-these hands feel foreign. I'm sitting in my bathroom, but it feels like an illusion. Idk how to explain it well honestly. So I didn't get any cleaning AT all done today.
I opened the package right before I was about to start cleaning and after going through it....all I could do was lay on my bed staring empty eyed at the ceiling. I took like 40mg of adderall at once to try and spark some my motivation to clean and bring on that euphoria but even that didn't help. I think my depression/dissociation was so intense it had no effect. But around 11 it did make me feel really anxious so I took 2 bars. They mellowed me out but I'm still trying to find some internal happiness or at least get rid of this crushing emptiness. I have those beers from last night that I didn't drink. The xans are effecting me pretty strongly, so I'm really debating on wether I should have it or not. I just need this heavy hollowness gone from my chest. I'm exhausted but the feeling of heaviness on my chest (and it's not adderall related, it's just from the intensity of today) won't let me fall asleep.
I'm torn about the beer. I JUST HIT 130.8 again and am so goddamn close to 129. If I drink it....I'm scared it'll bump my weight up tomorrow. I told myself NO alcohol until I'm either 125 or after a month. But if I have half it's 110 calories. I still haven't had anything to eat besides those altoids. So if I were to have HALF of this beer, drink two more water bottles, and two more cups of tea along with a gatorade zero (for sodium to prevent too low sodium water retention) then it should stop the water retention tomorrow. I'm gonna fucking do it. I would just take another xanax but those were my last two. :'( And fuck my liver, I'm also gonna take some Midol Extra Strength before bed to further help reduce bloating tomorrow.
If my weight is up tomorrow it's only gonna be water retention. Which will fucking suck. But my intake would be still really low the past two days, so even if I am retaining water I'm still losing.
I just...fuck man, reading all that sent me spiraling. I really try not to think about him too often, which I know, I'm a shitty person but I avoid painful things. And this is probably one of the most painful things I've gone through in my life. So I need to get super fucked up the next few days to push this towards the back of my head again. I have some ecstasy in my closet and my boyfriend owes me coke...so I'm thinking this weekend I'm gonna get hella fucked up. This is a trauma that is too much for me to process. Literally since birth I've been abandoned by people who claim they'd be there forever. I was adopted so I already have attachment issues, and so was he (the funny part is me and my best friend had a joke that actually just makes me cry now "don't leave me, I'm adopted".) I could go on about how many times I've felt abandoned and forgotten by friends but I really don't feel like opening that can of worms right now as I'm already dealing with this. And I know he didn't "abandon me" he was obviously going through some real fucking shit but....emotions and logic don't always line up and this just feels like another abandonment, and from someone who was going to be a life long bestie. I can't even explain how close we were, I have never experienced a friendship like that before and I never will. I felt like we were closer than siblings. -I can't talk about this anymore.
So yeah, I'm gonna be up fucking late as shit tonight with this beer and then handling hydrating. I pray that this beer helps numb the crushing depression weighing on my heart.
I'm gonna wake up at 10 tomorrow, so another night of sleep deprivation. 
But then I'm gonna clean the fuck out of the room and get most of it done. My friend wants to have a grill and chill but I'm only down if she and her man come here for once. We always go to there place and I don't feel like commuting 15 miles tomorrow night.
Idk I'm gonna plan out tomorrow and update again in a little. Sorry if this post is written like dog shit, I'm extremely fucked up and exhausted.
Final Update: I got all my fluids down. I am fucking exhausted. The beer helped a little bit. I still feel the sadness but it's not so overwhelming. Just gonna update my intakes for the day and pass tf out.
But here are those late body checks pictures. Taken on 5/11/22 weight 131.5
#151
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Posted Yesterday, 12:15 PM
5/13/22 Entry
Weight: 129.7 BITCHES <3 Fucking finally back!!!
Planned Intake: 305
Actual Intake:
- Koia Plant Protein Shake-190
- Suja Mighty Green Juice-80
- Suja Immunity shot-20
- Body Armor Light-15
Planned Fluids: 165 oz
Actual Fluids:
- 3 30 oz water bottles-90
- 12 oz Body Armor Light-12
- 3 17oz cups of tea-51
- 12 oz Suja Juice-12
Workout: Deep cleaning and organizing the room (day 2)
AM Entry: I'm back to the 120's!!!! Lmfao, took about a week to get back after a 3 day binge but I'm finally back baby. No binging this time.
Woke up and took a full 30mg of adderall. I'm gonna be picking up today and I'm grabbing some coke ( I don't plan on mixing w/ my addys though cause my hearts a pussy).
Gonna end this entry here cause I wanna fix all my body check pics and then get right into cleaning. I may be hanging out with some friends tonight so I have a time constraint on my cleaning and I got a lot to do.
Edit: Nvm my plug hmu so fuck the body check pics, they can be fixed later. Gotta go get those drugs lol.
#152
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Posted Today, 12:49 AM
5/13/22 PM Entry
Ugh, this time of night is always rough for me-when the adderall wears off completely and I'm at the half life point. The feeling of anxiety is shitty, and the fucking headaches are terrible. I had 60mg today, which is a lot. I just took 2 xans, so that should help mellow me out. My last dose of the addys was at 4 so the effects have completely worn off. So that, combined with the fact I haven't eaten-ha these bars are gonna get me slapped. I'm not gonna do any adderall over the weekend, or my coke. I want to chill on the uppers for a few days. I'll probably just use bars or maybe even....be sober? Lmao the idea of being sober for an entire day sounds terrible. I hate sobriety, my feelings and emotions are either more intense or I'm just really depressed.
I haven't had anything to eat....cause of how much adderall I took today. I've had two body armor lights though, which have 15 calories each and 14g of carbs. So that puts me at 30 calories for the day so far. I need to have that protein drink and juice though. I've been restricting way too low the past two days and need to meet my calorie goal for today. I'm only on my second water bottle, but I already know I'm gonna be up late so I'm not too worried. I have plenty of time to catch up.
I got a fuck ton accomplished in the room and feel great about it. Broke a heavy sweat and spent hours deep cleaning and organizing. After I finished what I had to get done with cleaning, my boyfriend and I went to Walmart. He was a bit snappy, and I was irritable, because the adderall was leaving my system, so we bickered a bit. This may sound contradicting but it was still nice. We don't spend much time together anymore and he seemed like he really wanted to be around me tonight, and wants to spend more time with me in general. We have plans to go on a hike on Sunday, before we watch the eclipse with my dad.
He's grabbing me a white claw tall can right now (his idea, not mine lmao) and I really want to drink it...but I won't. I took two bars and am already starting to feel them. It' frustrating because he likes to hang out outside when he drinks (which takes him hours) because he "can't drink beer without smoking a cigarette". Imo, like yeah dude you can, it's a preference not a necessity. I really want to spend more time with him tonight, but I don't want to go outside in the cold and darkness and increase my feelings of anxiety that the bars are just starting to help. I wish he could just come inside and drink, and we could play adult charades, or uno, or watch Naruto Shippuden and snuggle or something.
I'm having some serious concerns about my health-as fucking usual. D:< I've already talked about my menstrual issues, and today the spotting was a deep brown (tmi: it almost looked like poop) and it was heavy. It went through my panty liner. And a few hours ago I got this weird feeling in my sternum that is not passing. It's almost like like...you know how sometimes you swallow wrong and it feels like food is stuck in your throat? It feels very similar to that, but in my sternum. Theres also a slight burning feeling to it. I think it's probably because I've been taking all these pills on empty stomachs. (Update: As the bars are kicking in more, the pain is subsiding)
So for the next few days my calorie intake will go up to between 600-1000. I think taking a break from the stimulants for a few days, and increasing my intake would be good for my body.
Since my goals for the room are almost accomplished and the rest of it is really light work, I'm beginning my workouts tomorrow. Looking at my body check pics I see that like, yeah I'm getting smaller but my arms and legs are still so flabby and I have a lot of belly fat. I don't want to be skinny fat, so I really need to focus on strength training. I'll post my workout schedule later tonight.
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Posted Today, 04:24 AM
5/13/22 PM Entry Pt.2
It is 4:17am. My plan of skipping the adderall tomorrow has gone out the window. I've got so much to do and don't function well on little sleep.
I fucked up and had that stupid goddamn white claw. Trying to rehydrate as much as possible before I go to sleep. I swear, if I am back in the 130's tomorrow.....idefk how I'll respond. While I rehydrate I will be making my workout plan. I need to be up by 11:30 AT THE LATEST, so I don't have too much time.
Anyways, if I fall asleep after making my workout plan, I'll just update intakes and post the plan tomorrow.
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