august's big fun semi-recovery
#1 
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Posted 19 April 2022 - 01:37 AM
what is up besties, making an accountability thread for my ""recovery"" because i'm tired of being tired all the time and i said i'd recover when i hit my gw so yeah... lol. i guess we're doing that. ughhhhh. i'm lowkey not looking forward to it because ew eating right, but i know i'll have to start eventually because i don't want to spend my 20's being a disordered mess. my first recovery attempt went completely assways, so i hope this one will be somewhat bearable at least.
goals
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1. cut b/ping down to once a week, maybe even less if i'm feeling frisky
2. up my intake to 1800 (tdee), increasing by 200 every month and starting at 1000
3. start going to the gym 3 times a week again and eat a post-workout meal regardless of my calorie limit for the day
4. hang out with friends or go to a club once a week, and don't use it as an excuse not to eat dinner
5. talk in non-ed related discord servers at least once a day
things i've learned (from this and my previous recovery attempt)
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1. all-in does NOT work for me!!! being hasty with recovery makes me feel miserable and disgusting, and i'm not in the state of mind to be able to handle those feelings right now. if i just take it slow i'll get there eventually!
2. breakfast literally is the most important meal of the day, it keeps me from binging and it gives me energy to get through the rest of the day. eating breakfast every day would be highly beneficial to me
3. planning my meals in advance just leads to me overeating and then feeling horrible about myself. it's better to just let myself eat what i'm gonna eat and track the calories right afterwards. i've been in this game long enough to know what foods are high and low cal, there's no need to obsessively plan out my meals only to not stick to my plans on the day of
so yeah, gonna update this thread every time something significant happens i guess, or maybe every day for my calorie count. we'll see! i hope i can stick to my goals this time, praying for myself lmao
#2
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Posted 19 April 2022 - 01:44 AM
that being said, i am keeping in 200 cals today and going out to b/p at a buffet with a friend, lol... while eating breakfast i told myself recovery starts today, but i guess recovery starts tomorrow. listen, i need to be adequately hungry for the buffet, ok? i am but a small man with a small stomach. then again, they're also pretty small... i wonder how much they can eat. are they shorter than me? hmm... anyway, i'll update on how it went!
#3
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Posted 20 April 2022 - 02:56 AM
the buffet went so well!! we ended up going for three rounds so i definitely got my money's worth. somehow we both managed to finish purging at the exact same time every time, i thought that was pretty funny. after we finished we went to the club and i made out with this one guy for like an hour straight, lol. super successful evening, id say!
the morning after though... i don't think i can eat today, i'm so nauseous. and honestly, getting anything through my throat is a freaking task considering it's hurting so much. i'll probably get the motivation to eat eventually, but sorry - no breakfast today
#4
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Posted 26 April 2022 - 01:22 AM
okay, i've kinda been neglecting this thread... but! i'm actually doing pretty well 
i'm b/ping every other day or with two days inbetween at the moment, and i've consistently been getting 1000+ calories in. my weight actually dropped a bit from my gw, i'm down to 49.5 now and it's really hard to resist losing more, but i know that i'll probably lose more over the months that i'm upping my intake anyway so i'm gonna try not to stress about it too much. i'm a bit anxious for next month as i'm gonna have to start eating 1200 calories every day... i know it's much better for me than the diet i'm on even right now, but i'm still a bit scared.
i'm also eating breakfast every day and going to the gym three times every week! socializing is still hard, but i'm doing my best to go out more at least. i'm actually going out today for king's night and tomorrow for king's day, so that's super exciting. i'm definitely very happy about having the physical and mental energy to get things done now, i'm about to clean my room and cut my hair and i'm not dreading it at all! so yeah, definitely feeling better and like i'm on the right track. very exciting! and new! aaa! i'm nervous :]
#5
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Posted 26 April 2022 - 04:31 AM
went to the kitchen to prepare binge food just now, but i stopped myself! i had already eaten a meal bar, but it fit into my calorie goal for the day and i'm gonna be dealing with enough electrolyte depletion later, so i'm just keeping it down. i did c/s some stuff as a compromise, but we're taking one victory at a time i guess lol
i did peel a banana though, that's gonna be kind of hard to explain when my mom finds it... but i'll enjoy it with my dinner for sure!
#6
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Posted 12 May 2022 - 08:58 AM
well, guess who gained just the tiniest bit of weight and wants to give up on recovery now...
realistically speaking it's actually just water weight because i haven't gone a day without b/ping lately, which makes it all the worse because the uncertainty makes me anxious and the anxiety makes me want to purge my dinner (which then leaves me with the thought of, oh i'm already purging today anyway so i might as well plan a few more b/ps while i'm at it!), so in the end i'll never be able to get an accurate reading on my weight and the cycle will continue indefinitely. and like, i know the way to break that cycle is to just go one or two days without b/p, see what weight i'm actually at, and adjust accordingly, but like... ugh. you know?
it also sucks that my weight rn is literally two kilograms below my gw so i really have no reason to still be stressing about it, but that means i'm all the closer to my ugw and a part of me kinda wants to fuck around and find out if i can reach that. "aNd ThEn I'lL rEcOvEr", right? god, i'm the worst... i don't know what to do :/
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