#161 
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Posted 08 May 2022 - 10:29 PM
solenoid, on 08 May 2022 - 1:20 PM, said:
hi hi!! welcome to my thread! followed ur accountability too btw
Aww thank you, you're so sweet!<3
#162
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Posted 09 May 2022 - 05:29 AM
We have the opposite problem, lol
My upper body is kind of like a swimmer's..?
Very wide shoulders and a mostly small chest
But I have too much going on around my butt, thighs and hips
They build muscle very fast..
Sometimes I love it, but most times I feel huge
I'm still hoping that the fat will be replaced by the muscle, though
Even though the scale goes up (haven't checked my weight in SO friggin' long), muscle looks better
If I had a pool, I'd be swimming for my exercise because I hate weights, lol
And yea..
Being called dude is way better than bro
I have no explanation why; it just is, hahah
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Posted 09 May 2022 - 09:27 PM
stressnh0pe, on 09 May 2022 - 05:29 AM, said:
We have the opposite problem, lol
My upper body is kind of like a swimmer's..?
Very wide shoulders and a mostly small chest
But I have too much going on around my butt, thighs and hips
They build muscle very fast..
Sometimes I love it, but most times I feel huge
I'm still hoping that the fat will be replaced by the muscle, though
Even though the scale goes up (haven't checked my weight in SO friggin' long), muscle looks better
If I had a pool, I'd be swimming for my exercise because I hate weights, lol
And yea..
Being called dude is way better than bro
I have no explanation why; it just is, hahah
oh i'd kill to have a small chest!! or honestly not saggy boobs at the very least arghhh. i'm really hoping that as i lose weight they get smaller and won't sag so much but man gaining and losing the same 20 lbs does a number on your titties for sure :')
and aww darn i guess this really does show how the grass is always greener on the other side!! i think i would love to have a more defined lower body, but yeah sometimes you hate it and other times you don't. crazy how much our perception can mess with our emotions!
muscle def looks wayy better like i don't wanna be overly toned cuz i love that feminine softness/smallness but flab was never attractive unless it's like an ornament on a good set of glute muscles or on ur chest w/o sagging.
i wish i could love swimming!! i just hate how dry i get after being in the pool and actually doing laps...i'm def the person who just likes pools to sit in the water and do nothing hahah.
glad i don't feel alone on dude>bro! bro is just so...middle school idk
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#164
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Posted 09 May 2022 - 09:28 PM
monday 5/9/2022
days binge free - 3
mood: tired, disappointed
[x] brush teeth am & pm [x] wear sunscreen [x] 20 reps waist slimming exercise [x] remove hair from a bit of bikini line* [x] work out [x] set aside trash lol [] wash shorts
*i haven't removed hair from down here in so long so i'm taking it slow lol. just ripping out a little every time i use the bathroom basically so that it adds up overtime. i want it to be bald by the summer so i can wear these cute thongs i ordered like a few days ago loll
< in: 1680 cals >
{ low sodium sprouted bread (160) vegan cream cheese (30)
marmite (10); baby bananas (133) clementine (47); yeast flatbread (675);
sprouted english muffin (160); grapes (100); cough syrup (186);
walnuts (106); herbal ginger coffee (70); vitamins (0); }
ʕ •ᴥ• ʔ
literally so much has happened today. i missed the bus in the morning and had to be dropped off...then picked up after literally one period. i had a coughing fit in the girl's bathroom and went to the nurse's office after homeroom. asked for a covid test bc idk i didn't want to be coughing at my science final tomorrow, and guess what!? i tested positive ;-;
prom boy helped me figure out how to reschedule my science test which i did just now by emailing some staff at school. i believe it's gonna be split up into two days next week, 18th & 19th?
i need to quarantine for the rest of this week. my mom was rly frustrated abt this bc it screws over so many plans we had. i was feeling bummed too earlier in the week cuz i'll be missing so many events but i'm just gonna see if i can zoom to them or something, like for senior dinner i could just call a friend and we could still be on the call together or whatever. wanted to study more today once i got home, but ended up falling asleep for a nap at like 5 pm lol. mostly just wasted time on tiktok but it's fine.
my covid symptoms so far:
cough, fatigue, waking up with cold sweats - i thought this sweat stuff was cuz of the warmer weather (going to the 90s later this week!! fck man can't believe i'm missing out on this arghhh) but i think it might be bc of covid.
missed my math test today, planning to make it up the day i'm back, hopefully in the morning just to get it over with.
but yeah that's life today ig.
timed entries//
818
fuuck i left my tablet at school to charge i'm gonna have to ask someone to grab it for me tomorrow :_( fml fml fmlll
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#165
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Posted 10 May 2022 - 06:30 AM
i tested positive yesterday too :c
#166
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Posted 10 May 2022 - 07:00 AM
rainy.days, on 10 May 2022 - 06:30 AM, said:
i tested positive yesterday too :c
i saw on ur thread! ( i hope we both recover quickly & our symptoms don't snowball into something super painful
sucks how our plans/schedules got screwed over tho :/
#167
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Posted 10 May 2022 - 07:07 AM
solenoid, on 10 May 2022 - 07:00 AM, said:
i saw on ur thread!
sucks how our plans/schedules got screwed over tho :/
yeah let's hope it really mild <3 drink plenty of water and rest a lot.
at least we got covid vaccinated so it shouldn't be that bad.
and i knoww ;__; i wanted to see my friends this weekend.
i don't like being forced to stay home haha. and the uncertainty.
#168
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Posted 10 May 2022 - 09:06 PM
tuesday 5/10/2022
days binge free - 4
mood: angry
[ ] brush teeth am & pm [ ] wear sunscreen [x] 30 reps waist slimming exercise* [x] remove hair from a bit of bikini line [ ] wash shorts [400/500] jump rope 500x
*slowly upping the reps for this...need to start taking measurements so i can see some numeric progress tbh.
< in: 1660 cals >
{ don't feel like typing out; }
ʕ •ᴥ• ʔ
timed entries//
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#169
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Posted 11 May 2022 - 06:34 AM
Omg, I'm so sorry that you tested positive!
I hope that you are already feeling better by now <3
Coughing fits are the fucking worst, especially at school
I'm glad that you got to go home and miss the sped-up final
Ahhh, yea, I hate that we can't wear whatever..
Society expects women to be modest
And if we dress "sexually" and something happens, then "we had it coming"..?
Like wow, didn't know clothing was the gateway to assault
Men are never expected to control themselves
Like yea, I get that women biologically mature faster, but come on, lol
We have enough hormones and stress to deal with!
If I ever have boys, I will definitely make sure they act properly and respect everyone
If I ever have girls... I'm in for a rough time with society, aaahhhhh
But omg, I've wanted a belly button piercing and a waist chain for so long
I'm just too damn ashamed of my body to do it
The waist chain was because I saw this Blasian chick with a toned stomach wear it
I'd for sure sneeze mine off, too, though
#170
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Posted 11 May 2022 - 12:57 PM
stressnh0pe, on 11 May 2022 - 06:34 AM, said:
Omg, I'm so sorry that you tested positive!
I hope that you are already feeling better by now <3
Coughing fits are the fucking worst, especially at school
I'm glad that you got to go home and miss the sped-up final
Ahhh, yea, I hate that we can't wear whatever..
Society expects women to be modest
And if we dress "sexually" and something happens, then "we had it coming"..?
Like wow, didn't know clothing was the gateway to assault
Men are never expected to control themselves
Like yea, I get that women biologically mature faster, but come on, lol
We have enough hormones and stress to deal with!
If I ever have boys, I will definitely make sure they act properly and respect everyone
If I ever have girls... I'm in for a rough time with society, aaahhhhh
But omg, I've wanted a belly button piercing and a waist chain for so long
I'm just too damn ashamed of my body to do it
The waist chain was because I saw this Blasian chick with a toned stomach wear it
I'd for sure sneeze mine off, too, though
yeah, well i'm glad i did go through and take the test in hindsight!! i was feeling bad about screwing my week's plans over, but it's good that i'm staying home and not spreading the virus, much safer for everybody involved.
thank you <3 my symptoms are still pretty mild fortunately, hoping they stay this way/improve by the time i head back to school next monday!
and ikr? i know it's not super big of a deal in the west, but there's still this creepy expectation where we're like...attention whores or something if we want to wear something revealing...like maybe we just want to wear clothes that look cute?? it's really not that deep i swear, but ofc society just sexualizes women for no good reason ugh
but frrr omg. like i had read this one book earlier in the year and it was talking a lot about victim blaming and i honestly was making faces the whole time i was reading just seeing how all the men in the book would deflect basic decency and accountability for treating women w respect...yuck!!
it's good that you plan to raise your boys well!! kids learn so much from their parents. it's like how when you're younger and people make fun of the students without american names - they learned that from their parents, and are just repeating it. kids are like sponges with the stuff they remember, so it's suuuper important to teach them the right things and be good role models from the very start. especially for boys.
and yeah </3 it's so heartbreaking because i would love to have daughters of my own but just thinking about how dangerous and awful the world will be for women makes me so angry and sad.
i feel you btw on feeling ashamed of your body for the jewelry!! i really hope i somehow am still able to convince my mom to get my belly button pierced because then i'll have more incentive to lose weight. i know i shouldn't be using it to trigger my ED but i just feel so much happier sometimes when i think about how much more confident i'd be skinnier lol. like i feel like all this ED drama is worth it for that.
hopefully i don't sneeze mine off again haha :')
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#171
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Posted 11 May 2022 - 08:05 PM
aaaaaaand i've given up on my layout again. lol. typical!!
sorry guys, but i'm sure you're used to it by now :')
5/11/22 wed
weight: 97 lbs
fyi, i'm just noting down the whole number. like truncating the decimal cuz i can't be assed with fluctuations
hoping to weigh in more frequently
intake:
breakfast - bavarian pretzel bun (240) vegan cream cheese (15) marmite (5) strawberry jam (17) orange (56)
lunch - instant ramen (339) wheat crisps (180)
dinner - apple (104) bread (160) marmite (5)
other - herbal medicine (60) cough syrup (186)
= 1367 cals
had a very good productive day!
last night i opened this one little sketchbook my art teacher had given me at the start of the school year and i decided to use it as my TO-DO notebook. i had one of these in 2020, and i was able to accomplish a lot of my academic goals thanks to it. the feeling of everything i need to do being all on one page and organized and having the satisfaction of crossing things off when i'm done with it is unbeatable and super motivating too.
in the morning i felt that my boobs looked tolerable. i think with the morning skinny, my waist gave it the illusion of not having a super lumpy upper body - but as i lose weight this'll definitely improve, and i'm so excited for that. the house was empty this evening cause family was getting hair cuts (my mom looks super cute with her short hair btw) and i spent it trying on bras (lingerie more really) and feeling hot ngl.
studied a bunch, hoping to keep that going for tomorrow.
think someone'll be able to grab my tablet from school so that's good. and my art teacher is planning to send me my materials so i don't get behind/have time these next few days before monday to get caught up.
tomorrow i was supposed to have my last art show of high school but alas i can't make it in person. hoping to call into the senior dinner at least, and i also need to call into art and math classes tomorrow bc idk what's going on in art but math we have a project?? group project?? that was introduced tuesday & i have no idea who my groupmates are...shit.
so yeah. ughhh. kind of annoyed bc i have to clear out my room to find a place to take the call but it's fine. everything is fine, right? :')
btw! i convinced my mom to let me get my belly button pierced. she said i'm the one who has to figure everything out tho bc she doesn't know what the details/norms are. fair enough. wow, i'm so happy, but also a bit regretful because some of the things i said in that angry email i sent last night were so mean and bitter. but i told her i was just expressing my feelings and she was like yeah. so yup, good news!! will be getting it pierced some time in july i think, so i still have lots of time to lose weight. i wanna be <85 by then hopefully. can't wait!!
alsooooooooo
guess what came in the mail!!! some of my cute baby pink thongs!!
i need to finish grooming my bikini line asap so i can wear these ahhhh
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#172
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Posted Yesterday, 05:58 PM
5/12/22 thurs (6 days binge free)
weight: 97 lbs
intake:
breakfast - bavarian pretzel bun (240) apple (117) yellow split peas (135)
lunch - roast peanuts (170) crinkle fries (110) carrots & peas (100)
dinner - tahini (112) bread (160) strawberry jam (50) clementine (47)
other - herbal medicine (60) cough syrup (186)
= 1490 cals
so fucking annoyed at how calorific the medicine my mom's making me take is. seriously. 93 cals for 30 mL of cough syrup...jesus christ.
and i'm estimating the herbal medicine, but seriously it's so fucking annoying
sad day today. it was the senior dinner + my last ever art show as a high schooler and i couldn't go bc i'm stuck at home with covid
still though, silver linings: was reasonably productive again (only 5 more things to check off on to-do) and am slowly chipping away at my goals and building better habits, i hope at least.
almost 1 week binge free...just have to keep it going though i wish i could eat less. ughhhh can't wait till my mom makes me stop taking medicine.
rn i'm writing myself a "menu" in my todo book with options for each meal and then when breakfast/lunch/dinner time rolls around i just look at what i wrote the night before and pick between the two meal options
i don't include cal counts for anything, i add it all up after i finish dinner. it's working i guess but i feel like there's always gonna be that moment when it stops working and i fall off the wagon.
anyways, yeah the senior dinner was meh. my friends and i set up a zoom call and my teachers waved to me but it isn't the same you know. i wish i could be at school but you know what, hey at least having this week off meant i have more time to study before my science placement final. just sad still. i felt like the person i was last month who was clinging to the introvert label and using that as an excuse to never put myself out there. it is awkward being the one on a zoom call while everyone else is at a party of sorts. it was like i was falling into a blackhole and desperately trying to reach out
but small wins. i mean a month ago i don't think i would've even brought a zoom call into fruition..i probably would've just been miserable and sad completely alone. at least i was able to see some friendly faces from my room.
got my art supplies plus my tablet i left at school monday today, family member picked it up for me 
felt bad tho bc they went to go get it around the time school ended so there was a lot of waiting as the buses were leaving and cars too. i felt like i just wasted their time but ahh i at least i know not to do that next time and ask to pick it up earlier/later.
friends and i are planning summer get togethers. we live in the middle of the country so we're landlocked i think the word is, and we have no proper beaches near us but some fake ones by lakes. so we're thinking of going to one of those when the temp is hot and taking pics. i hope if we ever do that my mom lets me wear a bikini so i can take thirst traps for instagram.
also i think i already mentioned my plans to introduce me and prom boy's siblings to one another, they're very close in age hahaha so that'll be fun meet up at a playground nearby and hang out.
thinking too just to ask random ppl ik/am mostly friends w to go get boba or sbux if i have nothing social planned for a week.
that's the goal i think 1-2 social events per week over the summer. i need to get extroverted asap and build communication skills.
next week i have a art party on the 20th which i hope is fun.
and the week after that, "senior carnival" i'm going to with at least 1 friend i hope? if she buys her tickets on time and graduation. i'm going to be better about asking people to take photos, i don't want graduation to be like senior sunrise was. i need to get pics with prom boy for sure. my phone is really old and can't take live photos which are the only photos i look good in bc they're more natural so i think i'll be asking ppl to take bursts for me or asking a friend to do all the photo taking on her phone
yeah it's really the end of an era sorta.
hmm.. lot's to think about but not now, i have tests to study for.
btw i tried joining my math zoom class today since im quarantining and my math teacher never started the meeting!! ahhh. i'm a bit glad cuz like i've mentioned before i def do have a crush on him lmfao event tho he's like 65 but yeah glad i didn't have to feel super nervous abt that phew.
i joined my art zoom too which was good and my teacher let me off after explaining what we were doing.
no other class teachers even sent me a zoom link lol.
but yeah, i sent my math teacher and email i hope he responds so ik what to do for tomorrow. then it's the weekend and i'm def gonna plan out some time for me to just watch TV and chill in my todo notebook
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#173
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Posted Today, 07:08 PM
So proud of you, hun!
Things seem very chaotic lately
I definitely wouldn't have done the Zoom call, lol
My introvertedness would have stopped me for sure
I'm so glad that you did it!
Nice to see that you are feeling better and being productive lately
I hope that your todo list continues to shrink!
#174
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Posted Today, 07:15 PM
stressnh0pe, on 13 May 2022 - 7:08 PM, said:
So proud of you, hun!
Things seem very chaotic lately
I definitely wouldn't have done the Zoom call, lol
My introvertedness would have stopped me for sure
I'm so glad that you did it!
Nice to see that you are feeling better and being productive lately
I hope that your todo list continues to shrink!
aww thank you <333 you're always so nice to me and your comments always make me smile too! ) 1 perk of having an eating disorder is meeting you for sure lol
and yeah but at least it's friday now!
i feel you on the introvertedness, it was hard going against what i really wanted to do deep down. and tho i had my regretful moments during the call it was still nice to see my friends and stuff, and it also helps me feel more prepared for any upcoming social events, just more practice interacting with others
but yup, i'm so glad!! i hope to continue to have this mindset of - if i get it done now, i dont have to worry later - bcuz it's super helpful!
#175
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Posted Today, 07:15 PM
5/13/22 fri (7 days binge free!!)
weight: -- forgot to weigh oops, will have to do that tomorrow
intake:
breakfast - mango coconutmilk (50) bakery french bread (280) orange (40)
lunch - yellow split peas (135) apple (114)
dinner - bread (80) strawberry jam (50) pb (90) roast peanuts (224)
other - cough syrup (93) // will probably be given more, i'll change my total if that's the case
= 1165 cals
i swear to god if any of you quote that body check i will find you and force feed you 193843924804300939048 calories.
anyyywasyyyyyy
um idk what to think of the thongs from the back tbh. like is it giving? i dunno. my butt looks stupid, i wish it was rounder and i wish i had more side booty action going on ((
alsooo
this one dress i ordered last week arrived
^don't quote pleaze
i think someone was selling it cuz it didn't fit them or something! (on depop)
it's a pink/red gingham summer frock omggg
it's so cute. if prom boy and i ever have that stupid picnic daydream of mine this is def what i'd wear. omg just look at it. i'll need help tying the bow next time but ugh <3 so perf. it has pockets too.
and "easy access" heheehehee guys im really horny today ngl
i posted a semi thirst trap of me spinning in the dress to my private story i wonder if he'll slide up i hope he does i need his attention lmao
not the most productive day today but i did get things done.
kept getting distracted after taking body checks bc u cant tell in the pic but i have really really bad stretch marks around my entire ass and on it and ive never felt so horrid about it before but i did today. but thankfully i found out that microneedling is a thing so maybe if i can ever afford that in the future ill get it.
i mean so many stretch marks for a mediocre ass too. frustrating.
talked to one of prom boys friends today. he sits at my science table, and he had showed me this one youtube vid for review help and i just reached out to get the link. i was originally gonna ask prom boy himself but i didnt wanna double text
sorry guys you all probably think im so stupid all i do is fawn over guys and am super desperate. im self aware i promise, it's just so fun to have crushes imo.
anyways yeah prom boys friend responded so quickly. i also noticed that on this english test cheat sheet i made for prom boy and shared with him on google doc, his friend was added to it? and they like both edited my file?
i felt a bit weird seeing that on my drive ngl. i wish they included me. i mean what if they were talking about me, they probably were. and prom boy didnt even ask if i was ok with him adding stuff to the cheat sheet. i can't remember if i gave him the okay firsthand tho hmm
still idk just felt a bit sad about that cuz it wouldve been fun to help them brainstorm idk. and i wished he told me about him and his friend adding more stuff :/
messaged prom boy and asked if hes going to the carnival
he said he doesnt know bc none of his friends are yet and i like said pleeaase go and he hasnt responded rip. i sent that thru our school messages tho so idk how long it'll be till he checks that
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