aspen’s accountability take two ♡ || bmi 18.0 → 15.4

Started by melt your headaches, Apr 08 2022 12:06 PM

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#1 melt your headaches

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Posted 08 April 2022 - 12:06 PM

(edited cuz you guys deserve to know abt me <3)

heyy im aspen and im slowly drifting back into ed hell

i like drawing and listening to my dumb edgy emo bands among other things

i have literally no long term goals with my life because depression is great, i think if i live long enough ill try art school out but who knows ?

m possibly neurodivergent but i only say that bcs im the most awkward emotional fuck youll ever meet.

and also im bitter because the place i went to get an adhd/asd assessment decided i was "too smart" to have any issues and basically dismissed my concerns >: (

confirmed by diagnosis:: i have bad anxiety and some math learning disability that prevents me from succeeding at algebra,

and also maybe dyslexia (doubt it) but that was only suggested because they couldnt explain my poor reading comprehension any other way lol. tbf i sort of stopped listening at this point because it felt like they were grasping for any excuse not to diagnose me with anything.

(like- getting real stingy with ur diagnosis' over here. my parents didnt just pay a shit ton of money for you to deny me helpful accommodations...)

POINT IS

im relapsing

my life is a mess, and i dunno how to deal with my problems any other way

|| starting stats (3/28/22)

- weight:: 105lbs

- height:: 5ft 4in

- bmi:: 18.0

|| my goals

- weight:: 90lbs

- bmi:: 15.4

- intake:: <1600kcal

- steps:: 10,000

- exercise:: 30 minutes minimum

|| updates

Spoiler

- this basically turned into an entire diary... tw for self harm mentions (4/12/22)

- made it below 100lbs again !!! (4/18/22)

- not weighing myself until 23-24th (ish) pray 4 me (5/14/22)

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#2 melt your headaches

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Posted 09 April 2022 - 12:28 AM

|| 4/8/22 ||

- weight:: 103lbs

- bmi:: 17.7

- intake:: 1485kcal (rounded up)

- steps:: 10,010

- exercise:: 45 minutes (pilates)

-x food pictures x-

coffee and multivitamins (0kcal)

cereal with cashew milk (185kcal)

dark chocolate heart (45kcal)

microwaved strawberries (50kcal)

mixed nuts (170kcal)

popcorn (160kcal)

carrot and celery soup (75kcal)

burnt broccoli and veggie burger (225kcal)

french fries and tater tots (330kcal)

protein cereal and coffee (245kcal)

-x thoughts x-

(sorry if my posts are too image heavy, still trying to figure things out :/)

sadly my weight has gone up since last time i weighed in, im on my period so hopefully its due to that. still very frustrating.

i felt guilty for eating so much food today, i wasnt even that hungry. i always get such nasty stomachaches on my period, should have taken my chance to lower my intake for today.

cant dwell on that right now, tomorrow is a new day.

my cousins visited for dinner tonight, its the last day of seeing them for over 2 months. very grateful for that honestly, having constant visitors over at my house is exhausting for me mentally.

ill be able to get back on my routine :]

my dance classes are starting back up on monday, hoping my weight will be down a bit more before then haha. at least (despite being on my period) ive been overall less bloated !! my hipbones have been a lot more visible since i officially started restricting, which im thrilled about ofc.

despite all the generally awful stuff that comes with restriction, at the very least it helps me keep properly hydrated lol

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#3 melt your headaches

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Posted 10 April 2022 - 12:22 AM

|| 4/9/22 ||

- weight:: ???

- bmi:: ???

- intake:: 995kcal (rounded up)

- steps:: 10,026

- exercise:: 45 minutes (35min pilates, 10min weights)

-x food pictures x-

coffee and vitamins (0kcal)

cereal with cashew milk (185kcal)

candy (25kcal)

burnt broccoli and textured vegetable protein (160kcal)

english muffins with veg cream cheese (380kcal)

protein cereal and coffee (245kcal)

-x thoughts x-

bloated as ever. maybe im exaggerating as i dont really look it, but i still feel miserable.

periods suck so much. the period itself has been lighter than usual, but oh boy have i been getting a handful of other fun little symptoms as a replacement.

my lower back has been killing me for almost a week now, ive been more emotional then i have been in the past 6 months, and thats not to mention the stomachaches. skipped lunch because they were so unbelievably bad.

(of course, of course, maybe im just using that as an excuse to restrict more ha !)

point is im feeling terrible, couldnt weigh myself today. almost didnt get dressed.

but i did !

the only real positive from today is that i put on a pair of pants i hadnt worn in a few weeks. and they were looser !!!!

honestly, sad as it is, it made my whole day feel a little bit better.

i feel like ive made zero progress since starting my accountability, but seeing actual proof that i have is very reassuring :']

enough of my silly rambling, im hopeful i will feel mostly better by monday. i mean im gonna have to because mondays are my busiest day of the week..... ill be gone for a huge chunk of the day, and if my back pain and cramps persist....

god.

at least i have tomorrow to rest ? (i say knowing full well im going to pace for most of they day)

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#4 musicclover

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Posted 10 April 2022 - 07:37 AM

Periods should really not be a thing; hope the symptoms die down soon :[

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#5 solenoid

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Posted 10 April 2022 - 06:33 PM

periods 100% do suck. you'd think in 2022 they'd have found a way to get rid of them easily but apparently not!

we can send people to space but periods? nahhhh too complicated :rolleyes:

hoping you had a lovely day to rest today :3

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#6 melt your headaches

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Posted 11 April 2022 - 12:14 AM

|| 4/10/22 ||

- weight:: ???

- bmi:: ???

- intake:: 1505kcal (rounded up)

- steps:: 10,054

- exercise:: 45 minutes (pilates)

-x food pictures x-

coffee and multivitamins (0kcal)

cereal with cashew milk (185kcal)

popcorn (160kcal)

textured vegetable protein, sautéed with spices (95kcal)

carrot and celery soup (75kcal)

chocolate covered banana slices (175kcal)

burnt broccoli and homemade seitan (190kcal)

english muffins with veg cream cheese (380kcal)

protein cereal and coffee (245kcal)

-x thoughts x-

stomachache was gone today thankfully. my appetite wasnt huge, but i still ended up eating more i guess. lol is that even a win when you have an eating disorder ?

i had a couple different foods today which has been stressing me out a bit, because they dont feel as safe as my usual choices….

ah well. i rested lots all afternoon. still got my steps and stuff but later on in the evening than id normally do, i always feel like thats cheating but ??

it was best to take a little time off in the end i suppose,

my family celebrates easter so im going to have to deal with that later this week…..

holidays are very stressful for me, and this time i havent even gotten to recover from my cousins visiting (they were here for a whole week)

when im finally living on my own (who knows how many years away that is :’( i dont know if ill ever be able to afford it) i think ill just skip them all.

final thoughts ? my dance class starts up again tomorrow, along with my ukulele lessons, and on top of that i have school that im continuing to fall behind on... ugh,

guess ill see how this week turn out for me huh :'>

-x replies x-

Spoiler

musicclover, on 10 Apr 2022 - 07:37 AM, said:

Periods should really not be a thing; hope the symptoms die down soon :[

solenoid, on 10 Apr 2022 - 6:33 PM, said:

periods 100% do suck. you'd think in 2022 they'd have found a way to get rid of them easily but apparently not!
we can send people to space but periods? nahhhh too complicated

hoping you had a lovely day to rest today :3

thank you both for your kind words <3 today was much better for me than yesterday :]

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#7 solenoid

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Posted 11 April 2022 - 03:28 PM

i feel you so hard on wanting to skip holidays :') just drains my energy completely and i always feel so exhausted mentally afterwards. i think i'll just "celebrate" them and use them as self care days more than anything lol

ALSO. home made seitan wow!! how long did it take you to make it?

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#8 melt your headaches

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Posted 12 April 2022 - 12:28 AM

|| 4/11/22 ||

- weight:: ???

- bmi:: ???

- intake:: 1405kcal (rounded up)

- steps:: 11,010

- exercise:: 1 hour 25 minutes (75min dance class, 10min abs)

-x food pictures x-

coffee and vitamins (0kcal)

cereal with cashew milk (185kcal)

carrot and celery soup (75kcal)

popcorn (160kcal)

homemade seitan (125kcal)

dark chocolate heart (45kcal)

microwaved strawberries (50kcal)

seasoned textured vegetable protein and burnt broccoli (160kcal)

english muffins with veg cream cheese (360kcal)

protein cereal and coffee (245kcal)

-x thoughts x-

hmm might restrict lower tomorrow….. idk
all because i couldnt weigh today and now i get to feel like horrible about it >:[

bloated today, but im off my period !!!!

(slight tw:: self-harm)

also relapsed self-harm which was a poor decision on my part im sure.
i meant to cut last night but in my attempt to remove the blades i ended up destroying 2 (!!!!) razors leaving them completely mangled and unusable.

obviously i figured out how to get the blades out today, cheers i guess ?

i think im being too positive about the whole experience because self-harm is not healthy, etc. etc.

but i really dont care because my head feels a little clearer now and thats all that matters.

also,

should i tell my therapist about the cutting ? is that something you do ??
last time i vaguely mentioned it, his advice was “dont do that”. which i was like okay !!! im going to ignore you lol.

is it better to NOT say anything?

also

i think i might make an art thread to post my vent/weird drawings and stuff.

if anyone is interested.

-x replies x-

Spoiler

solenoid, on 11 Apr 2022 - 3:28 PM, said:

i feel you so hard on wanting to skip holidays :') just drains my energy completely and i always feel so exhausted mentally afterwards. i think i'll just "celebrate" them and use them as self care days more than anything lol

ALSO. home made seitan wow!! how long did it take you to make it?

genuinely what id like to do !! i think my birthday is the hardest to get through because my mom always invites a bunch of family members over :’) when all ive ever really wanted is to left be alone.

i used this recipe for the seitan btw, because its pretty quick :: https://itdoesnttast...-vegan-chicken/

(it did end up taking me an hour though lol, but only because the basket i use for steaming was broken, so i had to boil it)

definitely not my favorite recipe, but the best ones are more time consuming unfortunately (something ive been lacking lately)

my favorite recipe is this one i think, it was the first one i tried out a few years ago: https://avirtualvegan.com/vegan-roast/
not too complicated but definitely takes more time to kneed/bake it.

(also ive always wanted to try making it by the washed flour method, but thats definitely a more extensive process haha)

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#9 solenoid

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Posted 12 April 2022 - 06:37 PM

would love to see ur art/vent thread!

also, i would def suggets telling ur therapist abt self harming. its weird they brushed it off like that last time tho :/ yikes. hope they dont do that again and give you more tangible advise

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#10 melt your headaches

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Posted 13 April 2022 - 12:22 AM

|| 4/12/22 ||

- weight:: ???

- bmi:: ???

- intake:: 1100kcal (rounded up)

- steps:: 11,000

- exercise:: 45 minutes (pilates)

-x food pictures x-

coffee and vitamins (0kcal)

cereal with cashew milk (185kcal)

homemade seitan (125kcal)

subway sandwich (400kcal)

baked potato chips (140kcal)

diet coke (5kcal)

protein cereal and coffee (245kcal)

-x thoughts x-

a thing you should know about me is i suffer from being a dumb bitch.

like slit my forearms dumb bitch level,

now im stuck wearing long sleeves for the next several weeks, and thats only if i dont make this a into a cute little habit.

i fucking forgot i have pictures coming up for my dance class, literally feel like an idiot.

theyll heal pretty quick if i keep them clean (week tops)

but oh boy explaining the scars to my mom will not be fun ugh

i should have just done my abdomen, no one would see them there,

stupidstupidstupid

….

i have time, by the time everyone sees them ill have seen my therapist again so at least i can say ive already talked it over with him (which i will)

okayyyy,

ate less today because i woke up late ofc.

stupid scale is fucking broken

so upset

i cant do this

…

my mom bought a new one, have no idea when its arriving or if its already arrived,

im so close to getting out the wiifit again just to weigh myself haha

(im very serious, im tempted….)

had subway for dinner which is sort of a safe food ?

i went to one in a questionable part of town once, had a huge panic attack after eating and spent the next week convinced i would come down with botulism (i didnt)

now i can only eat from the one thats 2 minutes away from my house

which always has really good bread so im not complaining m.

also went grocery shopping with my mom for easter stuff. i feel like i picked out too many expensive items,

i really need to get a job so i can contribute to paying for my pricey groceries.

pretty sure all im good at is costing my parents money :[

-x replies x-

Spoiler

solenoid, on 12 Apr 2022 - 6:37 PM, said:

would love to see ur art/vent thread!
also, i would def suggets telling ur therapist abt self harming. its weird they brushed it off like that last time tho :/ yikes. hope they dont do that again and give you more tangible advise

yeah my therapist isnt amazing sadly,

i was trying to peruse different treatment options (because currently the only thing im diagnosed with is “bad anxiety”, and 4-5 years of treatment for that has done almost nothing for me)

short version: it did not turn out well,

long version:

over the summer i started pursuing an evaluation for both adhd and asd in particular. i had a whole list of reasons as to why i thought this + genuine daily struggles that were interfering (and continue to do so) with my quality of life.

finally a few months ago i was able to get tested, only for the results to come back with….. nothing.

(okay well, anxiety, but ive been seeing a therapist for over 4 years now so i already knew that)

i feel really bad for doubting the results, because obviously theyre the professionals in this situation.
but i dont feel like the actual evaluation process was that…. good ?

it was mostly iq based, they barely asked me any questions (pretty sure they talked to my parents more than me).

my point with this is, i dont know what to do from here.

i tried talking with both my parents and my therapist about this.
my mom is upset im questioning the results (and to a degree i feel like shes probably right)
and my therapist wasnt too keen on my getting evaluated in the first place because he didnt think it would solve anything.

i feel so hopeless, my parents wasted so much money on testing all for me to get told “im too smart and social to possibly not be neurotypical )” (which is a bit ironic since ive never had any long term genuine friends)
basically they said im “just gifted”.

...

things are complicated and weird right now,
and since its too close to the holiday i cant discuss this with my parents yet (my mom is stressed enough as it is, shed just get upset )

and its ironic because none of this even covers my eating disorder, (which i am NOT seeking help for)

anyway enough rambling and oversharing from me lol, you did not ask for that

heres the link to my art stuff btw, since you were interested :]

https://www.myproana...-anywhere-else/

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#11 solenoid

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Posted 13 April 2022 - 06:36 AM

melt your headaches, on 13 Apr 2022 - 12:22 AM, said:

Spoiler

yeah my therapist isnt amazing sadly,

i was trying to peruse different treatment options (because currently the only thing im diagnosed with is “bad anxiety”, and 4-5 years of treatment for that has done almost nothing for me)

short version: it did not turn out well,

long version:

over the summer i started pursuing an evaluation for both adhd and asd in particular. i had a whole list of reasons as to why i thought this + genuine daily struggles that were interfering (and continue to do so) with my quality of life.

finally a few months ago i was able to get tested, only for the results to come back with….. nothing.
(okay well, anxiety, but ive been seeing a therapist for over 4 years now so i already knew that)

i feel really bad for doubting the results, because obviously theyre the professionals in this situation.
but i dont feel like the actual evaluation process was that…. good ?
it was mostly iq based, they barely asked me any questions (pretty sure they talked to my parents more than me).

my point with this is, i dont know what to do from here.

i tried talking with both my parents and my therapist about this.
my mom is upset im questioning the results (and to a degree i feel like shes probably right)
and my therapist wasnt too keen on my getting evaluated in the first place because he didnt think it would solve anything.

i feel so hopeless, my parents wasted so much money on testing all for me to get told “im too smart and social to possibly not be neurotypical )” (which is a bit ironic since ive never had any long term genuine friends)
basically they said im “just gifted”.

...

things are complicated and weird right now,
and since its too close to the holiday i cant discuss this with my parents yet (my mom is stressed enough as it is, shed just get upset )

and its ironic because none of this even covers my eating disorder, (which i am NOT seeking help for)

anyway enough rambling and oversharing from me lol, you did not ask for that

heres the link to my art stuff btw, since you were interested :]

https://www.myproana...-anywhere-else/

that sounds like a lot of work to only be told you're not suffering when you clearly are. i'm sorry that you've dealth with professionals undermining your problems when all you wanted was a solution. i wish i could help. but keep in mind even professionals make mistakes, and some of them make plenty. if your gut feeling tells you that they didn't capture an underlying problem with their tests, you're likely correct. and the evaluation that you described sounds outdated, but i'm not sure.

i totally relate to you feeling like a waste for spending your parents' money. i told this to my mom one time, and she told me that i'm not a burden which made me feel better. maybe being a little direct about how all this is making you feel could help? like a little later when the holidays are over. i know everyone's parents are different though

thanks for the link!

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#12 melt your headaches

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Posted 14 April 2022 - 12:34 AM

|| 4/13/22 ||

- weight:: 102.4

- bmi:: 17.6

- intake:: 1460kcal

- steps:: 12,002

- exercise:: 1 hour 25 minutes (75min dance class, 10min abs)

-x food pictures x-

coffee and vitamins (0kcal)

cereal with cashew milk (185kcal)

popcorn (160kcal)

pan fried tempeh (145kcal)

blueberries (70kcal)

celery soup (60kcal)

dark chocolate heart (45kcal)

homemade seitan with burnt broccoli (190kcal)

english muffins with peach jam (360kcal)

protein cereal and coffee (245kcal)

-x thoughts x-

okay ive calmed down today.

my cuts are healing well. they dont even sting anymore. i guess thats the benefit of only making cat scratches ? they heal fast enough that no one ever knows. (they dont scar much either though :/ i dont know how i feel about that)

i ate more than yesterday which is fine.
i plan on eating maintenance after i eventually lose the weight anyway lol

the new scale arrived, made me a bit panicked cause ive been relying on a broken one for ages, but my weight was actually lower than the last time i checked !!!

finally right in the middle of the 17s (i act like ive been stuck for ages, its been two weeks lol)

bought some new makeup yesterday :] (including some new eyeshadow colors, gonna do pretty makeup for easter)

oh and i forgot to mention yesterday, but i got 8oz tempeh for 99¢ !!!!
ive never seen it that cheap before, and it was organic !!

im so happy tempeh is one of my favorite foods :]

on a less positive though..

tomorrow my family is having a big dinner :[ all my grandparents are invited and everything.

probably will skip lunch so i have enough leftover calories lol- even though I really hate doing that.
most people in my family dont eat much on days when we’re having a special dinner anyhow,

-x replies x-

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solenoid, on 13 Apr 2022 - 06:36 AM, said:

that sounds like a lot of work to only be told you're not suffering when you clearly are. i'm sorry that you've dealth with professionals undermining your problems when all you wanted was a solution. i wish i could help. but keep in mind even professionals make mistakes, and some of them make plenty. if your gut feeling tells you that they didn't capture an underlying problem with their tests, you're likely correct. and the evaluation that you described sounds outdated, but i'm not sure.

i totally relate to you feeling like a waste for spending your parents' money. i told this to my mom one time, and she told me that i'm not a burden which made me feel better. maybe being a little direct about how all this is making you feel could help? like a little later when the holidays are over. i know everyone's parents are different though

thanks for the link!

yeah :(

ive talked with a few other people online who have (unfortunately) dealt with similar experiences when seeking help from professionals. and agree that i should probably look into a second opinion,

……which will be more money that both me and my parents do not have :[ im still going to talk to them about this after the holidays are over and see what we can do.

(i believe we were given the option to discuss the results further and ask questions if we had any. which is probably the next step. )

(my mom doesnt want me on medication but i might ask to just try adhd meds to see if they help. she doesnt technically get much say in it as im old enough that its really my decision to make…. plus i dont see the harm, if they work that solves like 50% of my current problems, if not i just stop taking them ??)

really it just frustrates me that this is such a common occurrence though.

also... i havent left a comment on your accountability yet (which i will when i have time to type out something proper !), but i just wanted to say i really enjoy reading it, your food always looks so good <3

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#13 melt your headaches

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Posted 15 April 2022 - 12:09 AM

|| 4/14/22 ||

- weight:: 101.4

- bmi:: 17.4

- intake:: 1290kcal (rounded up)

- steps:: 14,021

- exercise:: 45 minutes (35min pilates, 10min weights)

-x food pictures x-

coffee and vitamins (0kcal)

cereal with cashew milk (185kcal)

zevia soda (0kcal)

fig newmans, strawberries, olives, rice crackers and pan fried tempeh (445kcal)

pita with hearts of palm dip (415kcal)

protein cereal and coffee (245kcal)

-x thoughts x-

well the real benefit of skipping lunch is that i had a much larger frame of time to weigh myself in.

ive been majorly constipated for the last week, but i finally had a decent bm last night and another one early this afternoon

and, i have good news

the scale went down again !!!! finally making real progress.
hopefully by the end of april ill be back down in the double digits….

but at least it feels close enough now that im not feeling so panicked about my current weight anymore :>

anyway dinner was huge ofc (and we’re having another large family meal tomorrow. which will technically be slightly smaller than todays. but also im supposed to fast all day because, religious family. so its fine. im fine.)

the last time i had a lot of these foods (looking at u rice crackers in particular) i had a huge b/p session afterwards,

which then triggered an entire several week long b/p cycle…

so… point being.
im very proud i didnt do any of that this time :’)

um other than that

everyone on the internet is mean.
and i cant even enjoy my interests anymore without running across some stupid outdated discourse.

im so tired

got lotsa steps thoughhhh

yay.

was not my original plan. but i got all my steps in early, and normally id get my last few thousand after my night snack. apparently i felt guilty for not pacing afterwords ?? so i ended up getting 2,000 more steps just to ease my anxiety.

dude eating disorders are fucking weird.

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#14 melt your headaches

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Posted 15 April 2022 - 11:41 PM

|| 4/15/22 ||

- weight:: ???

- bmi:: ???

- intake:: 1240kcal (rounded up)

- steps:: 12,005

- exercise:: 45 minutes (35min pilates, 10min weights)

-x food pictures x-

coffee and vitamins (0kcal)

cereal with cashew milk (185kcal)

(unpictured) more cashew milk (25kcal)

zevia soda (0kcal)

chips + guacamole, fruit roll up, and grapes (360kcal)

burritos (425kcal)

protein cereal and coffee (245kcal)

-x thoughts x-

decided to clean one of my ~~food hoards~~ dresser drawers out today. and lo and behold an old sparkling water i had stashed away a few years back, had fucking leaked ???? it smelled like alcohol too because it was a fruit flavored one (had to air my entire room out)

absolutely destroyed a bunch of homemade cards id received over the years (also damaged an old bible. which i dont care about tbh, but i feel bad cause my parents bought it for me and if they ever find out its water damaged… theyd be crushed)

unfortunately that triggered panic mode, and i spent the next hour and a half thoroughly cleaning my room.

nothing else was ruined aside from what id already discovered, so i was able to calm down after.

but hey at least my room looks pretty nice now ? eh ????

grandparents came over for dinner again.

it was interesting,

i was planning on putting vegan cheese in my burritos.
but apparently i forgot to pick it up from the store last time (??? ) which of course freaked me out because id been looking forward to it all day…

i started crying.

in front of everyone

it was horrible.

my mom felt bad i guess so she went to the store and picked some up for me (the store is like two minutes away lol). i still felt super awful though because of how i reacted, AND i ended up delaying dinner by 30 minutes. i feel so embarrassed with myself.

my grandparents left early because my grandma started getting weird chest pains :/ my mom was worried shed end up in the er tonight, but she ended up feeling better after going home. thats good i think.

…

tomorrow will be my only real day off where i can actually eat normally because the day after that is easter
only one more day of stupid big family meals to suffer through.

…….until next week when its greek easter, ugh.
im so sick of holidays >:[ they make me cranky,

im tired from pacing extra yesterday so i didnt push myself too much today.

i also was supposed to have an exercise class this evening but i decided to skip.

i dont know what id wear anyway, i dont have long sleeves for working out in- and i cant wear short sleeves for at least a week or two to give my cuts a chance to heal (and fade) more….

it would look so attention-seeking if i wore a tank top now, and that is the exact opposite of what i want :/

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#15 melt your headaches

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Posted 17 April 2022 - 12:08 AM

|| 4/16/22 ||

- weight:: 100.2lbs

- bmi:: 17.2

- intake:: 1465kcal (rounded up)

- steps:: 15,021

- exercise:: 45 minutes (pilates)

-x food pictures x-

coffee and vitamins (0kcal)

cereal with cashew milk (185kcal)

dark chocolate heart (45kcal)

refried beans (110kcal)

popcorn (160kcal)

microwaved strawberries (50kcal)

(unpictured) celery soup (60kcal)

broccoli with veg cheese, pan fried tempeh (250kcal)

english muffins with raspberry jam (360kcal)

protein cereal and coffee (245kcal)

-x thoughts x-

well im back on my normal routine for today.

which means eating more.

but ive felt like literal shit for the past few days so its probably for the better. at least it will be easier to work out and get my steps in not being so light headed all the time :b (also my weight is down again, yay !!!)

its crazy, some of my pants are already getting too loose to wear. at this rate itll only be a week or two before i have to stop completely. (lucky i bought a bunch of pants when my bmi was 15-16 so i can go back to wearing those )

i feel like i should have restricted more before easter but….
ill be off of my routine tomorrow and tbh that makes me feel more out of control then an extra 300 calories ever did.

im gonna bake carrot cake i think.
i love cake, but its depressing knowing a smallish sized piece is usually at least 500-600kcal

sigh

i think if i make them into cupcakes so theyre pre-portioned….. AND i can use less frosting….

yeah.

i might have to go to my grandmas for lunch on monday. i should just refuse. theres to much to do that day…. plus its right after easter and im so tired of holidays.

i want to cry.

im so mad at my mom. she says im being “”unreasonable””. but in my defense, i put up with all the holiday dinners and activities, cant i have a break ??? (thats not really even going to be a break, because i have places to go to and ill be out of the house most of the day, i dont have time to go to a stupid lunch.)

my mom always tells me im demanding too much from my family. because i like having it quieter around the house (i have 5 siblings so I WISH) and i need alone time to unwind…. :’(

is that unreasonable ???

i never thought i was asking so much from them, but maybe i am. ?

genuinely, its confusing for me.

because sometimes it really bothers my mom and she yells at me, and other times she acts like she completely understands my needs and shes suddenly super respectful ??

i really dont know anymore.

its pathetic tbh. i keep asking myself why couldnt i be the normal, responsible, compliant child my parents needed ?

but instead, im just a mess.

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#16 musicclover

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Posted 17 April 2022 - 04:30 AM

I'm not great at articulating my thoughts on this, but you're defo not being unreasonable or pathetic at all. Everybody needs a break sometimes, it's completely normal and you're not being demanding.

I love carrot cake btw!

Hope you have a great day xx

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#17 melt your headaches

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Posted 17 April 2022 - 11:47 PM

guyssss this isnt even all the candy i got :,))))

HELP LMAO how am i going to eat all of this ?!?!?!!?

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#18 melt your headaches

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Posted 18 April 2022 - 12:01 AM

|| 4/17/22 ||

- weight:: ???

- bmi:: ???

- intake 1500kcal (rounded up)

- steps:: 14,399

- exercise:: 45 minutes (pilates)

-x food pictures x-

coffee and vitamins (0kcal)

resurrection rolls (370kcal)

(unpictured) cashew milk (25kcal)

salad with nutrition yeast dressing, pan fried tempeh, baked potato (445kcal)

carrot cupcake (415kcal)

protein cereal and coffee (245kcal)

-x thoughts x-

i planned on eating more but i wasnt super hungry after breakfast so i didnt really have a good excuse to eat extra.

i did make myself drink cashew milk for the calcium though , i guess that was my extra ??

still,,,,, it ended up being about the same as i normally eat, maybe a bit more cause i had to estimate the potato and salad; and i feel like i picked one of the bigger cupcakes… ah well

its done. i survived.

and i was able to enjoy some foods i wont get any other time of the year without turning it into a huge b/p session.

the cupcakes were delicious despite how sad they ended up looking lol. they fucking sunk into themselves, oops.

ALSO

i get the house to myself tomorrow while my family visits my grandma :] i mean itll only be about 4 hours (since i have a ukulele lesson AND a dance class in the evening) but oh man it will be so nice. especially after such a long two weeks for me.

i almost s/h again but i avoided it because i dont have any places that id be able to hide the cuts :/ i already pushed my luck with my forearms last week, my costume for dancr will be arriving anytime and im going to have to try it on in front of everyone….. not to mention get pictures in it. (pictures that WILL be sent to family members :’>)

hopefully i can stay clean for a few more weeks and go from there.

ughh

overall though, a decent day thankfully.

no more holidays until next sunday lol

-x replies x-

Spoiler

musicclover, on 17 Apr 2022 - 04:30 AM, said:

I'm not great at articulating my thoughts on this, but you're defo not being unreasonable or pathetic at all. Everybody needs a break sometimes, it's completely normal and you're not being demanding.

I love carrot cake btw!

Hope you have a great day xx

dude thank you <3

it reassuring to hear that, sometimes i really dont know if im asking for too much or not.

regardless though, i talked with my mom about it and she understood why i wanted to stay home tomorrow. so its all good now at least :] if only we could communicate this well more often.

thank you, i hope you had a good day as well !

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#19 solenoid

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Posted 18 April 2022 - 04:57 AM

holy shit i am so jealous of your candy haul that looks amazing

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Posted 18 April 2022 - 11:48 PM

okay, little bit of a rant but-

apparently while my family was visiting with my grandma, she decided to criticize me being vegan by saying "isnt that mostly just processed foods"

(my mom said she implied that i dont eat very healthy)

like ????

my stupid brain is freaking out currently,

she may as well have called me fat directly to my face !!?!

why would she even say that ??!?

shes never seen me eat outside of holidays ???

god she can be so triggering.

i mean

i really shouldnt be surprised tbh. she always make a big show of undereating at family gatherings. and ive heard her tell my (PERFECTLY HEALTHY !!!) younger siblings to not eat so much.

i dont understand the point of her comments. because, none of my siblings are really unhealthy ? everyone is either normal weight or underweight so the comments insinuating that we overeat are so..... strange.

but yeah, point is, oh my god does it upset me.

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Posted Yesterday, 12:29 AM

|| 5/12/22

- weight:: ???

- bmi:: ???

- intake:: 1395kcal (rounded up)

- steps:: 14,003

- exercise:: 45 minutes (pilates)

|| food pictures

- coffee and vitamins (0kcal)

- cereal and cashew milk (185kcal)

- mixed veggies (75kcal)

- frozen blueberries (70kcal)

- sour jelly beans (50kcal)

- black beans (130kcal)

- corn thins with veg cheese (120kcal)

- burnt broccoli and seasoned textured vegetable protein (160kcal)

- english muffins with veg cream cheese (360kcal)

- protein cereal and coffee (245kcal)

|| thoughts

since the gallery has decided to no longer work ive had to resort to other methods for uploading photos.

as in imgur

which i thought hey why not make an account ??

sadly it requires a phone number which makes me nervous and i felt unsafe about doing- regardless of the fact that they supposedly “dont store it”

so i used a throwaway

unfortunately after creating the account

my brain decided that was Not. Safe. either, so i spent a huge chunk of time panicking about that.

probably just delete the account later tbh

i mean i dont think anything hugely bad could happen ??? and anyway the email i used isnt even tied to my main social media accounts let alone one storing any major personal information.

so yeah, the whole situation is dumb cuz i didnt even NEED to make an account ffs..

ill probably mass delete a bunch of photos from my camera roll, delete my browser history, and clean up all my social media accounts because otherwise i wont feel “clean”

not sure why i do that because none of that even relates to what happened. but if it calms me down…. ?

…

the really good thing that happened today is that mcr released new music !!!! : )))

im actually kind of losing my mind at the moment im so excited.

i think i might stay up extra late and rewatch old interviews and music videos cause i havent done that in ages.

honestly i think this was probably the best news to have happened today. definitely calmed me down from my many anxiety attacks and now i have something else to fixate on.

i always feel the happiest when im engaging with my interests.

maybe its just my stupid catholic upbringing but- it also makes me super guilty that its technically a “material thing”, and “true happiness” cannot be achieved without god or whatever

obviously i disagree.

but everytime i tell people “oh !!!! this band, or this game or whatever- has made me happier than i have been in months !!!”

i get shot down and told thats not a valid reason to be happy. or that im using it as an “unhealthy coping mechanism” to ignore my problems.

jehsjdhdjjdidj idk why im bringing all that up

im still feeling super happy for the first time in weeks regardless : )

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#82 melt your headaches

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Posted Yesterday, 12:43 AM

|| replies

solenoid, on 12 May 2022 - 8:29 PM, said:

love how your style developed over the years!!

thank you <3

my style has been quite all over the place tbh, but i dont really mind so much anymore : ) i think it more fun to be open to experimentation as opposed to restricting myself for the sake of "consistency"

the only phase i regret was when i tried to make my "style" more realistic :lol: (think: small heads with ridiculously long necks for some ungodly reason) though i suppose i wouldnt be where i am today if i hadnt decided to draw like that previously :rolleyes:

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#83 melt your headaches

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Posted Today, 12:08 AM

|| bodychecks

i never post bodychecks LMAO but i got the weird urge to take pictures mid workout session ????

anyway dont be fooled im not actually skinny and my proportions in general are fucked

also sorry the light is so ugly oops

(ps: dont quote pics or ill actually eat your flesh)

Spoiler

(ignore my ugly ass room lol)

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#84 melt your headaches

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Posted Today, 12:29 AM

|| 5/13/22

- weight:: ???

- bmi:: ???

- intake:: 1410kcal

- steps:: 15,018

- exercise:: 45 minutes (pilates)

|| food pictures

- coffee and vitamins (0kcal)

- cereal with cashew milk (185kcal)

- cucumbers with hot sauce (35kcal)

- black beans (130kcal)

- sour jelly beans (50kcal)

- microwaved strawberries (50kcal)

- corn thins with avocado and nutritional yeast (155kcal)

- burnt broccoli and seasoned textured vegetable protein (160kcal)

- english muffins with veg butter (400kcal)

- protein cereal and coffee (245kcal)

|| thoughts

decided to finally ask my mom to buy some calcium supplements :rolleyes:

found some pretty cheap ones that have 100% or my daily requirements, but they also contain TONS of magnesium so ill probably only take half a serve (which i mean, will make it last twice has long haha)

and combined with my cashew milk which has 30%… ill hit minimum 80% of the recommended amount everyday

so yeah

hopefully that will ease my mind on bone health and stuff while i try to sort out my period.

im also gonna get a blood test in august (which is when my next doctors appointment is)

so uhhhh thats great for my anxiety but also super bad for my ed

last appointment i was 99lbs so if they see im 9lbs less uhhhhhh

ill worry about that in 3 months. maybe i wont have even lost the weight by then. who knows.

(if eat eat before hand and wear heavy clothes….. ?)

idk why im worrying about this, i havent even lost the weight lmao

…

my youngest sister got a stomach bug

so i stayed home from my conditioning class cause i dont want to risk making the whole class ill

really hoping i dont get sick myself cause otherwise ill miss dance

(ofc my stupid brain is like but then youll have an excuse not to eat !!!! you can lose a bunch of weight FAST)

guess ill see how this plays out, so far im feeling okay. but i might wake up tomorrow feeling very differently.

i actually had a decent body image day. currently the only place really irking me is my hips and the top parts of my thighs.

ummm not much else exciting for today. ive been really enjoying doing lineart lately???? insane cuz thats always been my least favorite part.

but its been so relaxing to do ????

i gotta remember to get more pictures of my stuff tomorrow lol

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#85 solenoid

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Posted Today, 01:22 PM

omg im obsessed w ur pink dumbbells & pink mat i loveee

also that english muffin plus vegan butter combo

looks amazing will def hv to try myself

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aspen’s accountability take two ♡ || bmi 18.0 → 15.4

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