1.5 months binge/restrict free + lost 3kg
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Posted 10 May 2022 - 07:45 AM
last binge was on the 23rd March, I ate 1/4 of a jar of organic super crunchy pb by the spoon, after having the other 3/4 of the jar in only 3 days.. I felt gross & piggish for like a week.
I’ve also been walking at least 2-3 times a week for 1.5 months now too
just calculated I’ve lost around 3kg in that time too holy fuck (from BMI 19.3 to 18.4, almost exactly 3kg difference)
I don’t usually let myself “brag” or be proud of shit but I’m finding that I am proud, & I actually see a difference in my body that I like.
*I’ve had an ED 11 years & have had plenty of binge/restrict cycles before, but specifically around Christmas Day last year I told myself no more bingeing, & didn’t until late Feb-March.
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Posted 10 May 2022 - 07:51 AM
. . . Accountability . . .
https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4327867-♠-summer-xxll-♣/#entry77313159
☽ . • °
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Posted 10 May 2022 - 07:52 AM
God☆Body☆Girl, on 10 May 2022 - 07:45 AM, said:
i feel like in this time there’s been a few times I felt like I’ve binged or overate but realistically, I haven’t had any bad or mentally detrimental binges in 1.5 months!!! i also only seriously got in a binge cycle this year* during Feb-March, I’ve been so down in myself but this is like? unreal!!!!
last binge was on the 23rd March, I ate 1/4 of a jar of organic super crunchy pb by the spoon, after having the other 3/4 of the jar in only 3 days.. I felt gross & piggish for like a week.
I’ve also been walking at least 2-3 times a week for 1.5 months now too
just calculated I’ve lost around 3kg in that time too holy fuck (from BMI 19.3 to 18.4, almost exactly 3kg difference)
I don’t usually let myself “brag” or be proud of shit but I’m finding that I am proud, & I actually see a difference in my body that I like.
*I’ve had an ED 11 years & have had plenty of binge/restrict cycles before, but specifically around Christmas Day last year I told myself no more bingeing, & didn’t until late Feb-March.
Aww - this is so awesome to hear, I feel the hope return for my own struggle, thank you so much for posting this!!!!!
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Posted 10 May 2022 - 08:19 AM
magnolie, on 10 May 2022 - 07:52 AM, said:
Aww - this is so awesome to hear, I feel the hope return for my own struggle, thank you so much for posting this!!!!!
Whatever you’re currently going thru u can get past, the ebb & flow of eating disorders is so painful but u got this
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Posted 10 May 2022 - 08:23 AM
i'm so happy for u!! congrats!
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Posted 10 May 2022 - 08:26 AM
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Posted 10 May 2022 - 12:39 PM
Ed tiktok is why I can’t b hospitalised /s
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Posted 05 May 2022 - 07:19 AM
was scrolling thru ed recovery / ed tags on tiktok
I’d literally cringe myself to fucking death if there was someone in ward doing tiktok dances n shit like oh my god pleeeeease no
i don’t even like the stupid tiktok dances when it’s not got some weird ED flex caption on it like “I haven’t had The Talk but I’ve had the “you need to gain weight” talk” & a stupid lil kpop dance
literally kms
/sarcasm, I will probably get hospitalised if I need to
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Posted 05 May 2022 - 07:30 AM
I hate how addicted I am to ED content on Tiktok. Most of it is so dumb, vapid, patronizing, cringey (~nourish to flourish~) or just full on old Tumblr pro-ana. But I can't help but keep watching the Tiktoks, if only for the delicious looking food on display lmao. One thing I can't stand is someone sobbing over toast with sappy music, I will roll my eyes to the back of my head so I don't need to see it.
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Posted 06 May 2022 - 08:37 AM
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Posted 06 May 2022 - 08:52 AM
Looozyyy, on 06 May 2022 - 08:37 AM, said:
Idk which country you live in but most hospitals/residential in the US don't allow you to have your phone, I believe a lot of the ones in the UK do so the hospital tik toks ur seeing are probably ppl in the UK
I’m in Australia & every time I’ve been in a psych ward I’ve been allowed my phone & they don’t treat EDs in the psych ward where I am, just regular hospital so I can’t see it being any different
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Posted 06 May 2022 - 08:53 AM
gloomfae, on 05 May 2022 - 07:24 AM, said:
i had no idea ED tiktok was that bad omg. another reason i’m glad i never downloaded tiktok
I only have it downloaded cuz friends send me TikTok’s & it’s easier to open them in the app
First time I’ve scrolled it in so long & I’m not doing it again lmao
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Posted 06 May 2022 - 08:58 AM
I’m not on tiktok but I know what you’re referring to n i can’t lie It does make me cringe nothing against the people who do them but yeh I find it a bit cringe
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Posted 06 May 2022 - 11:16 AM
Well, if the algorithm led you there while endlesly scrolling, it must be for a reason, just saying lol <3
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Posted 06 May 2022 - 12:34 PM
yeah and sadly there is no way of escaping it- you can't block ed tiktoks, and if you scroll down far enough you will definately see them, which is horrible since some people are trying to recover y'know? Also the sheer number of them is staggering- don't get me wrong, I like gobblling up all the ed content there is(except the truly mean(looking at you edtwt) and the truly cringe content) but even I get kinda bewildered at the sheer amount of it(context- I watch ed tiktoks from this channel called mushroom mango and there are nearly 70 10 minute videos on that channel with the oldest one posted a year ago o.0 ). Finally, tiktok doesn't do jack shit against pro ana or anything, which coupled with the aforementioned fact that many, many people get these kinds of tiktoks on their feed unwantedly, means disaster.
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Posted 06 May 2022 - 12:36 PM
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Posted 06 May 2022 - 12:53 PM
and flexing their feeding tubes as if it were an accessory
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Posted 08 May 2022 - 07:21 AM
God☆Body☆Girl, on 06 May 2022 - 08:53 AM, said:
I only have it downloaded cuz friends send me TikTok’s & it’s easier to open them in the app
First time I’ve scrolled it in so long & I’m not doing it again lmao
This is how it started for me, now I'm going down the ED rabbit hole every night before bed.
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Posted 08 May 2022 - 07:48 AM
v!wvuv, on 08 May 2022 - 07:21 AM, said:
This is how it started for me, now I'm going down the ED rabbit hole every night before bed.
Thankfully it makes me cringe too hard for me to regularly look
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Posted 08 May 2022 - 08:15 AM
keatsian_sonnet_77, on 06 May 2022 - 12:34 PM, said:
I've never gotten surprise Ed content on my fyp actually. The worst I got was those kids from the content houses before the algorithm got a feel for what I like and sent me to gaytok where I belong.yeah and sadly there is no way of escaping it- you can't block ed tiktoks, and if you scroll down far enough you will definately see them, which is horrible since some people are trying to recover y'know? Also the sheer number of them is staggering- don't get me wrong, I like gobblling up all the ed content there is(except the truly mean(looking at you edtwt) and the truly cringe content) but even I get kinda bewildered at the sheer amount of it(context- I watch ed tiktoks from this channel called mushroom mango and there are nearly 70 10 minute videos on that channel with the oldest one posted a year ago o.0 ). Finally, tiktok doesn't do jack shit against pro ana or anything, which coupled with the aforementioned fact that many, many people get these kinds of tiktoks on their feed unwantedly, means disaster.
The algorithm shows you more of whatever you interact with, so you can make a point to search out and interact with the kind of stuff you do want to see, and if you dont like what shows up on your fyp, you can also long tap on videos you don't like and select the "not interested" option so they show you less like that. I never got pigeonholed into a section of tiktok I didn't want to be on though, so I don't know how long it would take to fix your fyp if you're not happy with it
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Is being too hard on yourself driving you to binge?
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Posted 08 May 2022 - 08:54 AM
i get a few glimpses of ed tiktok on youtube and it makes me so happy that i stopped using tiktok late 2020. i missed so much content and i'm so grateful for it.
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“Control” = fear / a rant about tips seeking
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 03:24 AM
I swear every post I come across that’s asking for “tips” or “help” to keep up a low diet is at its core asking how to acquire the stereotypical flavour of anorexia. it’s endlessly infuriating how people can’t see that asking how other anorexics keep up “motivation” or “dedication” is offensive; I know the people asking these things are stuck & sick & struggling, but in reality you’re coming to anorexics & asking how their disorder rules their life, & how you can have exactly the same ruling.
I understand imposter syndrome, not feeling like you’re valid if you don’t have AN/r & not feeling valid unless you do X behaviours, but I don’t understand how people still have the cognitive dissonance to recognise eating disorders are at their core, outside of our control and still ask how anorexics maintain control.
“How do you stay motivated to lose weight?” “I keep eating ‘normally’, how do you remind yourself not to eat?” “how do I become scared of X food?” even “what should I do to lose Xkg in X weeks?” & other questions like this just seem to be asking how you can give yourself ~perfect restrictive anorexia~. It’s frustrating because of the lack of awareness of how unconscious anorexic behaviours are, but more so it feels so invalidating that people act like ppl who restrict have got this amazing willpower & are consciously dedicating themselves to starvation when it’s literally a mental illness driving the decisions & behaviours. If you know about CICO why do you have to ask anorexics how to lose weight?
& I feel like everyone here knows you can’t give yourself an eating disorder, but there’s still questions every single day about how to be like others on here, how to keep up X behaviour, stick to X calories. The answer is fear. But it’s like people forget eating disorders are ruled by fear, they want to know about how motivated & dedicated everyone is to their ED.
For example, at my ‘worst’ I was afraid of most vegetables, fruit & basically all carbs; I’d love to be losing weight like I was back then, I’d love to have that same steady loss, but that mindset was not ruled by controlled intake because I was so motivated & dedicated to weight loss, it was ruled by being absolutely terrified & not physically being able to bring myself to have more, to not exercise, to not do X. Harm reduction taught me how to get out of that mindset, but nothing could have ‘taught’ me how to get in it because I was exhibiting extreme symptoms of mental illness. & while I’d be able to follow that ‘diet’ again, doing it deliberately would be extremely hard because I am mentally, much more logical & sound of mind, & most importantly I don’t have the same fears. Not just “I hope I didn’t gain” & “I’d hate it if I gained” or “I don’t deserve this food” but “I am so scared of gaining weight, I have to make sure I don’t” & “if I even smell that food I will gain weight”.
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 03:48 AM
I do want to add that responses from the majority to these tips seeking posts have been awesome, giving advice on the risks/consequences and not necessarily encouraging the ‘extreme’ behaviours.
These level headed responses have helped me calm myself down, try and look from a different perspective now and again. But I get where you are coming from and it must be frustrating to see on the daily.
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 04:17 AM
Cherryfaze, on 27 Apr 2022 - 03:48 AM, said:
I’m crap with words, damn dyslexia, but wanted to say that was very well put.
I do want to add that responses from the majority to these tips seeking posts have been awesome, giving advice on the risks/consequences and not necessarily encouraging the ‘extreme’ behaviours.
These level headed responses have helped me calm myself down, try and look from a different perspective now and again. But I get where you are coming from and it must be frustrating to see on the daily.
I agree the responses are always very good & focussed harm reduction which is amazing; I guess I just feel exhausted that I see it so often.
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 04:28 AM
i really hear you and understand the exhaustion with it. seeking disordered tips is a sign of needing help, but ''give me motivation and reasons to not eat/lose weight'' ''how do you get the motivation for xyz behaviour'' perpetuates the idea that mental illness is a choice or that you can just pick behaviours however you like
it kind of gives the same feeling as when people without an understanding of EDs say ''i could never have the willpower'' or anything along those lines
''what motivates you'' i literally cannot stop. that's for 'motivation'
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 04:34 AM
Its inappropriate and no one wants depressions bc it sucks.
Why do people think it's okay to do that with anorexia?
And the worst thing is: That's the reason people with an ED that's not anorexia feel invalid and are scared to talk about their illness.
Bc society portrays anorexia as something good and other EDs are "shameful"
Kinda sad how our society works...
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 05:33 AM
As much as these people don't know/understand how we restrict we don't understand how they dont
It's not an actual choice personally, it's a compulsion, the same way cleaning, counting, and straightening is a compulsion
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 05:41 AM
skin_ee, on 27 Apr 2022 - 04:28 AM, said:
when people without an understanding of EDs say ''i could never have the willpower''
People who know i have an ED say this to me in person, and i never say anything back, just kind of hope that the awkward silence tells them it’s the opposite
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 06:32 AM
You put into words everything I’ve been thinking about these last few weeks.
I know I’m doing something dangerous and I don’t know if or when I can stop, I’ve rationalized it to myself and while logically I know it’s a problem; I don’t feel like I have one.
Being tired and irritated all the time, the mental fog from extended restriction it’s bad and getting worse.
I use caffeine to get through the day otherwise I’m not functional.
I know all this and I can’t stop, and I don’t want to.
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 07:11 AM
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 07:34 AM
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 08:06 AM
skin_ee, on 27 Apr 2022 - 04:28 AM, said:
i really hear you and understand the exhaustion with it. seeking disordered tips is a sign of needing help, but ''give me motivation and reasons to not eat/lose weight'' ''how do you get the motivation for xyz behaviour'' perpetuates the idea that mental illness is a choice or that you can just pick behaviours however you like
it kind of gives the same feeling as when people without an understanding of EDs say ''i could never have the willpower'' or anything along those lines
''what motivates you'' i literally cannot stop. that's for 'motivation'
I always describe it as the opposite of willpower. It's exactly like people think it's a choice and when you have fucking moronic so called professionals advocating people adopt ED behaviours to lose weight, they're clearly getting help in that thought line.
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 09:00 AM
I don't have anything to add per se, but well said. It's not that I have willpower to stay below a certain limit or not eat a cookie, it's that I just can't. I'm convinced I'm doing something wrong if I don't do "as the voice says" and that's not something you can be taught or learn. I'm lucky no one in my life seems too interested in weightloss and I've never been asked for advice, I'd probably be too dumbfounded to respond (even though someone not knowing I have an ED is different to someone asking for tips specifically on an ED forum but you know).
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 10:22 AM
literally this. when my new psych asked me if I have problems with food and restrict my food intake, my 1st reaction was “I don’t do anything”. it’s just kinda automatic and always has been. I don’t particularly feel like I have to put effort into restricting (no matter how high or low I restrict/ed in the past/). it’s not an effort to avoid x food, or to only eat y bites of z food, I do it bc I can’t deal w textures or it would be just too much for me. if I tried to make myself restrict or make myself restrict more, I would fail, it’s as simple as that, bc it’s not in my control and it has never been. it’s not my amazing self control that keeps me from bingeing on, or even eating, for that matter, eggs, it’s fear and I wish food and how I look wasn’t that problematic for me.
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 11:14 AM
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 01:15 PM
Fluffysocks123, on 27 Apr 2022 - 07:34 AM, said:
Exactly! Like why do they need motivation? There is no motivation in anorexia Nervosa we are simply afraid to gain weight and tormented by our stupid brain 24/7 that we don't deserve food. Like you don't feel absolutely disgusted by your own body and feel like ripping your skin off when you ate more than you wanted to?? Good like perfect I wish that was me, seriously! Why do want that, to hate themselves so much they deny themselves a basic need like eating? I just don't get it... whatever I'm not good at putting my thoughts into words because my brain is mush but I relate to your comment a lot!There’s a line between wanting to feel valid and wanting that adopt that mindset but it’s so blurred for most people. There is no ‘motivation’ to lose weight or not eat XYZ. It’s just fear plain and simple. Like I don’t mind people asking how to be skinnier or how to curb hunger or whatever because they are clearly already in the sort of anorexic mindset fkr the most of it. It’s the people asking for motivation that kind of get me like there is no motivation. We don’t choose to feel constantly invalid and have to do things to make us feel valid. I don’t know if that makes sense but yeah lol
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 01:21 PM
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 08:03 PM
Purasuchikku3, on 27 Apr 2022 - 1:21 PM, said:
I agree with what you say, but from the other point of view, when I used to low restrict I constantly looked for "tips" for hours because it was like an obsession? I just constantly thought about loosing more and more and I guess it just manifested as browsing the internet for "how to loose X kg", "how much do I need to eat?" Etc.
There’s a difference between being obsessed with researching weight loss, & asking specifically anorexics how to lose weight.
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