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#1 
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Posted 21 April 2022 - 08:54 AM
fern's return from "normal" • new accountability blog • updates daily • a transmasculine person's rambles
Returning after a 2 year hiatus. Used to be Alex, back with a more fitting name for myself and like 10kgs more of weight.
Will try to make my posts aesthetic for my own sake.
my past history
∙ started having disordered eating around 13, couldn't differentiate between gender dysphoria and just normal teenage body hating
∙ all went downhill at 15, weight skyrocketed to 65kgs with binging and also started restricting the worst here I think.
∙ got down to 52kgs (lowest ever couldn't surpass this ever again).
∙ kept yoyo-ing between 55-59kgs for a few years
∙ broke up with abusive ex and started binge eating like crazy (refer to past accountability here and here)
∙ realize I was trans, still have disordered eating tho
∙ yoyo around 58-61kgs for a few years
∙ spirals and decides that I'm going to lose weight so I don't have as prominent of a chest
∙ loses weight to around 53kgs couldn't keep it and yoyos around at previous weight
∙ comes out, doesn't have support, spirals out of control with no access to medical transition resources
∙ here I am again
-yoyos meant lose weight then i binge, gain some weight, restrict for a while, lose some weight and it keeps cycling
stats:
height: 150cm/ 5ft
cw: 63kgs/ 139lbs
cgw: 50kgs/ 110lbs
gw: 45kgs/ 99lbs
ugw: 40kgs/ 88lbs
goals:
reach cgw, 50kgs/ 110lbs
drink at least 2l/0.5gals of water per day
fast as much as possible. if eating try to keep under 800cals
I'm 22, no eating disorder diagnosis. Usually I calorie restrict but sometimes I b/p.
Life is ok despite not having support from family.
Have a new girlfriend now, she is supportive but I'm fucked in the head so I need to do something self destructive.
I'll start updating on Monday, currently doing a 50 hour fast to shrink my stomach.
"I'm getting older and and older, fatter and fatter, and I can't help but be disgusted at myself."
#2
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Posted 21 April 2022 - 11:23 PM
Putting in a template so it'd be easy for me to post in the future.
Day --- of diary
Stats -
↣(weight)kgs/lbs 「updated daily」
↣(Water intake)l/gal
↣Workout done
Meals -
↣Breakfast: - Item「---cals」, etc...
↣Lunch: -
↣Dinner: -
↣Overall consumed calories: - ---cals
Ramblings-
↣
#3
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Posted 21 April 2022 - 11:24 PM
Day 01 of diary
Stats -
↣61.7kgs/136lbs「updated daily」
↣1l/0.2gal「i am super dehydrated >.>」
↣20min HIIT
Meals -
↣Breakfast: -
↣Lunch: -
↣Dinner: - nasi lemak「434cals」, assorted sushi pieces「175cals」
↣Snacks: - watermelon「137cals」
↣Overall consumed calories: - 746cals
Ramblings-
↣ wasn't planning to eat today, but i was given leftovers from my family and I don't like wasting good food. more of a meal planning person but i can't factor in weekends and sometimes monday. i will be fasting for the next 72 hours and i'll be back in my hometown during the weekends so more food from the family i guess.
↣also trying to get back into jump rope. I like mindless exercises, something i can keep doing and not notice too much like walking. can't run, i have no stamina and it's embarrassing stopping when running. i can jump rope inside my home and stop evey few seconds if i run out of breath.
↣happier note my fish tank items mostly came today, germinating a carpet atm and we will see where it goes. will get a betta and a few snails for the new tank as well.
#4
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Posted 26 April 2022 - 03:46 AM
Day 02 of diary
Stats -
↣61kgs/134.4lbs 「updated daily」
↣2l/0.5gal
↣20mins HIIT, 10k steps
Meals -
↣Breakfast: -
↣Lunch: -
↣Dinner: -
↣Overall consumed calories: - 0cals
Ramblings-
↣ fasting today. mostly slept through the day since i was having a massive headache.
↣ made myself do my exercise anyways. the weakness in my calves feel like sin. knowing it's just harmful for me to do this but it's soothing and calming when i do.
↣ i'm wondering if i should do broths for long fasts. since it's warm and curbs cravings for me.
#5
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Posted 26 April 2022 - 08:49 PM
Day 03 of diary
Stats -
↣ 61kgs/134.4lbs 「updated daily」
↣ 2l/0.5gal
↣ 10k steps
Meals -
↣Breakfast: - monster ultra「9cals」
↣Lunch: -
↣Dinner: -
↣Overall consumed calories: - 9cals
Ramblings-
↣ still fasting, but I've gotten diarrhea and i have no idea how because there's no food in me anymore. at least i think so, i've been on a fast for 45 hours now. nothing much came out but it was watery
↣ wondering if i should add thinspo like my last accountability
↣ so i couldn't sleep last night and i had to go to work. im now so exhausted i think i might just nap at work but also i can't because my stomach growls. I wonder if other people can hear.
↣ one more day of my fast to go. i'm not too too hungry so i think i'll be able to get past it then i' going to have a protein heavy meal.
#6
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#7
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 12:50 AM
Extra Ramblings-
↣ so we're having a 5 day long holiday in like 2 days and i wonder how am i gonna restrict when i'm at home with my parents. it's not like on the weekends where i can just basically sleep till noon and skip 2 meals and eating less during dinner. I'm worried that i'm going to binge.
↣ yes i'm typing this at work on a public pc. hopefully no one is staring or looking at me slack off.
↣ i might add a section for new low carb, high protein recipes on my accountability if i find anything i like. but there's also the recipe forums for that.
↣ still thinking about if i want to add a thinspo section to my accountability
#8
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Posted 28 April 2022 - 11:31 AM
Day 04 of diary
Stats -
↣60.1kgs/132.4lbs 「updated daily」
↣2l/0.5gal
↣9913 steps
Meals -
↣Breakfast: -
↣Lunch: -
↣Dinner: - 1/2 cup mixed grain rice「170cals」, huge bowl of tofu and mushroom soup「435cals」, steamed egg「72cals」
↣Snacks: - sherbet ice cream「75cals」
↣Overall consumed calories: - 761cals
Ramblings-
↣ broke my fast with the most fulfilling giant meal ever. i felt so sleepy after that i fell asleep with my really really full stomach
↣ the fact that it was mostly protein meant i'm still super full
↣ think i should have split the tofu and mushroom soup in half but i have no one to share it with and no self control
↣ i fell super hard on my knees today, it's fucking bruised like i haven't had such a bad bruise in years
#9
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#10
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Posted 29 April 2022 - 10:31 AM
Day 04 of diary
Stats -
↣60.1kgs/132.4lbs 「updated daily」
↣2l/0.5gal
↣none, bruised up so bad i can barely move
Meals -
↣Breakfast: -
↣Lunch: -
↣Dinner: - 6-inch pizza「385cals」, salad「64cals」
↣Snacks: - pear「58cals」, watermelon「137cals」, lime creamsicle「58cals」, sliced cheese「60cals」
↣Overall consumed calories: - 776cals
Ramblings-
↣ nothing much happened today, did my chores, had an hour of class
↣ i feel a binge is coming on
↣ weight maintained but I haven't had a bw in days now so i don't feel great. coffee doesn't work i think i need to trigger my lactose intolerance tmr to see if i can get myself to
shit.
#11
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Posted 09 May 2022 - 11:45 PM
Extra Ramblings-
↣Hi! Sorry for not posting. I was on holiday with my family and having people stare down my back at all times has made me unable to upload ;-;
↣ I will be continuing my daily posts today
#12
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Posted 10 May 2022 - 10:44 AM
Day 01 of diary post holiday
Stats -
↣62kgs/137lbs 「updated daily」
↣2l/0.5gal
↣10k steps
Meals -
↣Breakfast: -
↣Lunch: - sausage「110cals」, hashbrown「118cals」
↣Dinner: - onigiri iidako filling「169cals」, mini cheese stick「34cals」
↣Snacks: - passion fruit and mango ice cream「152cals」, braised quail egg「42cals」, stinky tofu「28cals」, edamame「67cals」
↣Overall consumed calories: - 720cals
Ramblings-
↣ finally finished the holiday i had with my family. tried to not binge during vacation while still eating like a normal person.
↣ i gained weight so i definitely failed at that >.>
↣ i have a new fish, meet casper the translucent betta. try not to judge the plants, i am a serial plant killer.
#13
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Posted 11 May 2022 - 02:16 PM
Day 02 of diary post holiday
Stats -
↣62kgs/137lbs 「updated daily」
↣2l/0.5gal
↣500 jumps
Meals -
↣Breakfast: -
↣Lunch: - edamame salad「200cals」, honey yuzu drink「108cals」「drink not in the pic because i got it after i started eating >.>」
↣Dinner: - noodle soup with veg, mushroom and a fried egg「293cals」, cucumber sunomono「56cals」, spicy kelp salad「18cals」「the drink is just lime with cucumber flavored soda water, it's 0 calories so i didn't count it in」
↣Snacks: - braised quail eggs「28cals」, spicy enoki mushroom「20cals」, stinky tofu「57cals」, cheese stick「17cals」
↣Overall consumed calories: - 795cals
Ramblings-
↣ was exhausted today despite doing nothing
↣ lied so i could stay at home and just lie in bed and do nothing
↣ made some good looking food so i won't say i did nothing
↣ my jump ropes are in, i realized i cannot do jump rope. i just get so out of breath, i will keep trying, until i can increase my workout load.
#14
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Posted Yesterday, 12:41 PM
Day 03 of diary post holiday
Stats -
↣61.5kgs/135.5lbs 「updated daily」
↣2l/0.5gal
↣9k steps
Meals -
↣Breakfast: - pear「58cals」, coffee with belgian chocolate pistachio milk「45cals」
↣Lunch: - chicken floss bread「204cals」
↣Dinner: - cheesy seafood omellete「251cals」, cucumber sunomono「60cals」, edamame beans「67cals」, lettuce「8cals」
↣Snacks: - 2 ice lollies「70cals」, cheese sticks「34cals」, peach jellies「42cals」
↣Overall consumed calories: - 839cals
Ramblings-
↣ went over my calorie limit today but 40, i don't count it as a binge but man i really need to get 0 sugar snacks because that's a waste of calories.
↣ couldn't sleep last night despite being awfully tired, stayed up the whole night scrolling on mpa.
↣ still had to go to work so mainly i just did my work that didn't use up too much brain power
↣ did not jump rope today, had dinner and took a little snooze, can never sleep more than 5 hours in one sitting usually. it's either that or sleeping for 20 hours straight.
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