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pel's glow up diary ♡ (season 192834) (for real this time)
#1
Posted 26 March 2021 - 01:42 PM
yes, i nagged the title of my accountability from alivia d'andrea
(but i actually admit that i have a problem unlike... cough cough)
ok well... i've had a couple of these before, but none of them lasted very long. this time i'm positive that i've finally gotten out of my binge-restrict cycle, as i've currently been binge free for the longest time since... 2018? maybe 2019, nevertheless, a pretty long freaking time.
i've been writing my daily stats on an excel spreadsheet on my computer, but i've realised that i'd also like to have a place where i'm able to write my thoughts, feelings etc.. my psychologist sister advised me a while ago to keep a diary and i figured, what else is better than to keep one on an ed site along with my caloric intake! lol...
about me:
♡ i'm a 3rd year high school student, turning 18 this year august
♡ i used to have a lot of hobbies like playing the piano, dancing, but most
of these have been abandoned now. i don't really do much outside of school
♡ i'm european
♡ i've been vegetarian for almost 5 years
♡ my personality type is intp-t!
♡ i've been into kpop since 2017
as you can tell, i am a pretty boring person. :')
stats:
height: 5'3 (160cm)
cw: 152.3 lbs (as of april 1st)
hw: 169lbs
lw: 93lbs
ugw: 88lbs/40kg
essentially, what i'm gonna do with my "journey" is divide it into different phases.
i'm already at the end of phase 1, which began on march 1st. this consisted of a limit between 600-700 (i've been having under 600 this past week though) and this was a month were i wanted to "ease into" restriction again and not go too low straight from the bat, to prevent myself from binging.
now that i'm past my binge mindset, i believe i can safely restrict to lower amounts.
how low will depend on what i weigh on wednesday, april 1st, since i have absolutely no idea and haven't weighed in weeks.
i also want to use this accountability to track every day habits that i want to get into, such as brushing my teeth twice a day (i only brush them once a day most of the time.. i know i'm gross), drinking more water, working out more (especially strength workouts), taking vitamins etc... while i want to lose weight and it's my #1 priority, i also want to improve other aspects of my life alongside that as well.
(i'm noticing that i sound really dull in this post, like i have no emotion, but it's just because i'm not used to typing things without attaching 1000 crying face emojis... i apologize)
#2
Posted 26 March 2021 - 01:49 PM
weight goals:
gw1: 150
gw2: 145
gw3: 140 (get nails done)
gw4: 130 (new shoes)
gw5: 120
gw6: 110 (reward: shopping spree)
gw7: 105 (reward: hair cut)
gw8: 100 (reward: revive social media accounts)
non-ed related goals:
♡ stop biting nails for good
♡ brush teeth 2x a day
♡ drink more water
♡ study consistently and stay on top
of my school work
#3
Posted 26 March 2021 - 02:08 PM
march 26th, 2021
total: 590
♡ quark yogurt bowl + grapes + banana
♡ rice cake bar
♡ belvita biscuits (4 pack)
exercise:
♡ 2hr walk
steps: 14300
other:
nail-biting: no
brush teeth 2x: yes
study: no
thoughts:
today was a weird day. in the morning i felt alright, then during the afternoon i felt like time just dragged on and on and on. i hate when that happens. i want time to go by quickly so that i can lose weight quickly and start living my life normally. i feel cool now though.
to be honest, since last year summer i've felt considerably better mentally. like, i've barely had any mental breakdowns, i've barely felt depressed, whereas 2019/early 2020 i was constantly actively suicidal.. hmmm i'm not sure what the reason is but i'm not complaining! i'm just trying to be positive these days. when i can sense that i'm getting negative thoughts or don't feel my best, like today, i try to talk myself out of it and think about all the good things that are to come this year (if i manage to drop like.. 60 lbs) and the feeling passes.
i had so much to think about before but now i've forgotten everything that i was going to say whoops
oh yeah, my heart was hurting a bit during my walk and my chest was tight. not sure what that was about but i really hope i'm not messing up my heart uhhh... earlier this year i had a weird scary experience that i had never had before, my chest suddenly started aching really badly, like this painful tightness in my chest that i had never experienced. that scared me quite a bit but after 2 days the pain was gone and i forgot about it. i'm not bulimic so i'm not fucking up my heart with purging or anything, i wouldn't exactly call myself anorexic so it's not that either... :-/ idk idk
maybe i'll include pics occasionally but my food isn't aesthetically pleasing at all lollll my bloodstream is basically 99% quark yogurt
#4
Posted 27 March 2021 - 01:51 PM
march 27th, 2021
total: 700
♡ 0% fat blueberry yogurt
♡ 4 chocolate covered rice cakes
♡ cookies n cream protein bar
exercise:
♡ 1.5hr walk
steps: 14500
other:
nail-biting: fail
brush teeth 2x: yes
study: not really
thoughts:
today was a pretty ok day (writing this as i'm crying lollll)
i woke up early bc my dad invited me to run errands with him. so we drove for like a total of 2hrs (which i love, i love being in a car and listening to music).
we came home at 4pm and by that time i hadn't eaten yet, so i just got what i craved (sorta) at the store and fit it in my intake. i've been craving chocolate covered
rice cakes for some reason.
after i ate i got soooo tired, studied for literally like 10 minutes and tried to take a nap, didn't fall asleep, went on a walk, came home, got into a sorta-argument w my mom,
cried and now i'm here. my mood isn't ruined really, cause i'm used to my mom being the way she is, just makes me want to get a job, finish high school and move far away asap. (:
also i found blue flavored ultra monster at the gas station! i haven't tried that flavor before so i'm excited to try it tomorrow.
also that pic isn't aesthetic at all i'm sorry the background choice was either the grocery bag or my ugly ass orange desk
#5
Posted 28 March 2021 - 01:12 PM
march 28th, 2021
total: 670
♡ skyr yogurt
♡ banana
♡ 4 belvita biscuits
exercise:
♡ 30min-ish walk lol
steps: 4300
other:
nail-biting: fail
brush teeth 2x: yes
study: kinda
thoughts:
(i've decided to do this in a time format when i don't have school irl, because my thoughts change throughout the day and i have access to my computer at all times)
11:45:
lol my mom just messaged me. the fight we had yesterday was about me wanting to get tested for corona, bc my classmate who has corona sits next to me. and she got all mad, like last time, saying it's a waste of time. now she's messaging me, telling me i can stay home if i want etc.. probably because she knows i'm still mad about it. she always does this too, tries to damage control after doing/saying something ridiculous. i've had enough of it tbh and this time the damage control won't cut it.
15:06:
i have a female classmate that lost a lot of weight. well actually, there's two. one of them admitted over one of our zoom classes that she's struggled with exercise addiction, so i assume that's the reason why. the second one hasn't explicitly stated that she has an ed or anything, but i do remember her talking about going on an egg fast while we were changing for PE last year. then at the beginning of this year, during break (i happened to be sit near her and her friends) she was talking about how her doctor threatened her that if she doesn't gain 2kg she'll get in trouble. i assume she has some kind of eating disorder too, although it's weird how open she is about it. i remember when i lost a lot of weight i hated it being pointed out. i guess everyone's different.
well, i want to be like them two. not just suffer bc of my eating disorder, but actually have something positive come out of it ---> weight loss.
my weight loss will be more dramatic than theirs, since i'm starting way fatter. i want teachers to contact my parents about it. not that my parents are going to do anything, since they don't believe in mental health, but i'd like for my mom to realise that she's the insane one for not believing that i have a problem. :')
well anyways, that was random, but just a thought that popped up in my head. i need to study chem.
17:50:
loll we're going into a full lockdown starting the 1st. i should be happier than i am tbh i'm just kinda anxious for class tomorrow. we have spanish and i suck at spanish. we had a test via zoom last week and of course everyone did well, but it's because we could cheat. i'm scared she's gonna check whether or not we actually know anything tomorrow... hope not cause i'm not confident at all.
19:08:
omfg. the only thing i was stressed about just ceased to exist. i checked our schedule for tomorrow and both of the classes, which i had been nervous to partake in (spanish and chemistry) are CANCELLED tomorrow. that means i literally have nothing to stress about. omg. i'm not exactly religious or anything but SOMETHING or SOMEONE or whatever it might be has my back it seems. god, if you're out there and you exist, you're a real one.
20:30:
ok so i'm contemplating taking lax before my weigh in on thursday, but also i shouldn't take lax on tuesday or monday because what if it kicks in when i'm at school
BUT FURTHERMORE, if i take it on wednesday, chances are that they won't kick in in time for my weigh in on thursday and they'll just make me retain water
so maybe i should just pray to the ana gods that i have a bm before thursday and not use lax
22:08:
my body feels weird. i think i drank too much soda today (even tho it wasn't even that much? like a bottle of soda and a monster) cause i can almost
feel acid reflux wanting to happen loll i just drank a glass of water i hope it calms down. sorry organs <3
#6
Posted 29 March 2021 - 12:05 PM
march 29th, 2021
total: 610
♡ savory cheese pastry
♡ knoppers bar
exercise:
♡ 30min walk
steps: 8500
other:
nail-biting: fail i think?
brush teeth 2x: yes
study: no
thoughts:
ok first of all, that knoppers bar was so good. i think i'm gonna buy them more often cause they're packaged individually in small portions, so it's
easy to fit them into my intake.
second of all, my chemistry exam that was supposed to be tomorrow got cancelled... idk how much more luck i have left at this point
thirdly, one of my best friends sent me a heartfelt message about how she wishes me luck w studying and that i'll do well and stuff.. it really touched me. i have two best friends, both of which i have never met irl (we're from different parts of the continent) and we have a group chat together, which has been active every day since last year january. i haven't been active in the group chat for like 3 days now because i just feel annoying and unwanted (i go through these phases sometimes lol) and just have the urge to distance myself from them rn.
but i just got her message and i feel really bad. cause i feel like i'm such a bad friend and the love my friend gives me is definitely not what i deserve. i'm a really bad person in general i think. ideally, i shouldn't have close emotional connection with anyone, cause 1. i don't deserve it because of how i am 2. my dumbass would probably end up hurting them somehow... i'm also terrible at expressing my emotions.
not even sad about this btw, it's just a fact and i've come to terms with it. i'm gonna work on becoming a better and kinder individual, because
the people in my life deserve to get their love and care for me reciprocated.
oh yeah, my period started today lollll and it's pretty heavy. i was super bloated in the morning but now i'm fine? haven't had a bm yet need to make sure i have one by thursday for my weigh in. also i'll allow myself to eat unhealthily until april, i'll go grocery shopping on wednesday and buy vitamins+healthy food cause i need to stop junk food restricting i don't want to mess up my health more than i need to to get where i want to get.
i really hope i'm under 155... 150 and under would be ideal but i don't want to be too optimistic. idk whatever ahhhhh
#7
Posted 30 March 2021 - 12:14 PM
march 30th, 2021
total: 660
♡ apple pastry
♡ chocolate rice cake bar
exercise:
none
steps: 3600
other:
nail-biting: fail
brush teeth 2x: yes
study: no
thoughts:
today was aight, nothing big happened. still no bm.
i need to start actually putting effort into trying to stop nail biting istg i just don't even care atm
after i bought that apple pastry i realized i was craving savoury food more. ):
also felt super fat on my way to the store when i body checked in random reflections, but in some i looked fatter than others so now idk
which ones are more accurate? i hope it's not the one where i look obese asf cause if it is i'm in big trouble. but yeah i have like no perception of
what i look like, the only thing i can rely on is clothing feeling looser and the scale+measurements
my best friend told me she's thinking of doing her masters in korea which is awesome cause that would mean we'd be moving there at the same time. i don't
wanna pressure her but i really hope she doesn't change her mind (: also i'd love to live close to her we're literally soulmates lol my two best friends are the only people that i can be (almost) 100% honest with about everything and we have so many things in common. it's really rare to find people like that.
i really don't want to go to school tomorrow but it's the last day and i'd feel guilty if i stayed home. but we also find out our grades for an english essay we did and i'm
anxious cause everyone expects me to get an A but i feel like i didn't. being an over-thinker is so exhausting i seriously make problems out of nothing.
#9
Posted 31 March 2021 - 12:12 PM
march 31st, 2021
total: 690
♡ apple pastry
♡ 0% fat blueberry yogurt
exercise:
none
steps: 6200
other:
nail-biting: fail
brush teeth 2x: only once whoops
study: no
thoughts:
i've seriously been lazy with exercise this past week and my excuse is that a new month is starting, so new month new resolutions!!1!
i had the tiniest bm today so i'm gonna weigh tomorrow i think. i'm still on my period so i don't know how much effect that's gonna have on my weight, but i hope it's minimal.
actually scratch that idk if i'm brave enough to step on the scale while on my period so i might wait until it's over. but at the same time i wanna weigh on the first ughhhhhhhhhh idk i'll see how bloated
or not i feel in the morning
i'll post my april plan after i weigh myself cause i'm gonna decide what to do next based on that. if my weight is horrible i might just super low restrict/fast, if it's not i already have a plan prepared.
we'll see! new month new me i guess. i hate my period i hope it goes away soon.
when i was anorexic in 2017 it went away after literally 1 month of restriction, now it's just so stubborn and persistent. :')
i got an A on my english exam so i was stressed over nothing. then after school i went to the grocery store and bought my body weight in quark yogurt, 2 protein bars and like 3 cans of monster. yay me!
apparently protein is very important to maintain hair health, which just encourages me to eat more protein and just more healthily in general! i really need to stop living on junk. that will be one of my april goals
#11
Posted 31 March 2021 - 10:35 PM
☼ april (phase 2)
stats:
cw: 152.3lbs
gw for end of april: <140 lbs
goals:
♡ 500-600 a day
♡ weigh in every 7 days next weigh in april 20th
♡ exercise more
♡ continue the no binge streak (duh)
end of month thoughts:
i shouldn't be too disappointed with my weigh in, i've lost 15lbs this month ffs. although the weight i'm at right now is laugh worthy, i should be at least proud that i was able to stick to something long enough to see results like this. now as for the next month, ideally, i'd like to be under 140, preferably around 135 by the end of the month, but it all depends on how hard i try and how much i exercise. i guess it's all a matter of how much i want it (:
also, tmi but i am bloated and constipated atm, so my real weight might be a bit lower, which means i'll be able to lose it quicker in the next couple of weeks. fingers crossed
#12
Posted 01 April 2021 - 12:50 PM
april 1st, 2021
total: 390
protein: 58g
♡ quark yogurt
♡ 100g apple
♡ monster ultra blue
exercise:
♡ 1.5hr walk
steps: 11000
other:
nail-biting: fail
brush teeth 2x: yes
study: kinda
thoughts:
i forgot to mention before, but i love walking at night. i leave the house when it gets dark and come home just before the curfew (it's at 10pm rn, was 9pm before but they changed it recently). the curfew set by the government i mean, because of corona. something about walking and listening to music at night is so awesome i just love it. i could walk for hours. (:
BUT the thing is.... my problem area is definitely my stomach, not my legs. so i really need to kick myself in the butt and start doing ab exercises. i've been looking at lilly sabri workouts recently and many people swear by them. i might just do one for starters, then maybe two a day? i'll see, i'll try to force myself to do one tomorrow, though i seriously hate strength exercises lol
no pics today cause food was ugly, literally shoved the yogurt in my mouth plain out of the tub. i've decided to start counting protein every day because i seriously think it makes such a huge difference. though i've stayed under 400 cals today, i feel better and less fatigued than i would've if i ate like 700 cals worth of junk. it seriously matters, i should stop eating junk for good. (i have one more pack of belvita in my fridge which is 200 cals for all 4... so i might eat them on the weekend when i have a higher limit but other than that NO MORE COOKIES. NO MORE CHOCOLATE PEL. YOU ARE ALMOST AN ADULT, EAT LIKE ONE)
also i need to seriously catch up with my spanish studies, i haven't even learned the 3 past tenses we've been doing and now we've moved on to another 3 future tenses and i have to learn all by wednesday. i feel like korean has been my priority thus far (i literally speak better korean than i do spanish and i've been learning spanish for 3 years) and that can't happen cause i need to be pretty much fluent by the time i finish high school, because of my finals. so, i can learn both. as long as i do all my school work i should be able to meet the requirements by the end of 4th year. hopefully.
and hopefully i'll be sorta high intermediate level in korean by then.
jesus i've written so much today
(p.s. period please leave i hate you)
#13
Posted 06 April 2021 - 01:38 PM
april 2nd, 2021 + april 3rd, 2021 + april 4th, 2021
total: yikes
exercise:
none
other:
nail-biting: fail
brush teeth 2x: no
study: no
thoughts:
ok so yeah i messed up for 3 days. idk what triggered it but i think it was just generally feeling like shit that day and me just ending up saying "fuck it"
BUT what's important is that i was able to stop it! the old me would've let it go on for a month which would eliminate any progress that i had made thus far, but this time
i've gotten back on track after 3 days.
depending on what my weight is on thursday, i might extend my fast until i complete 5 days, but if i'm back at my april 1st weight (or lower.. o.o) on thursday, then i'll stop fasting and just continue with
my plan of 500-600 cals a day.
april 5th, 2021
total: 0
exercise:
none
steps: 1200
other:
nail-biting: fail
brush teeth 2x: no
study: no
april 6th, 2021
total: 0
exercise:
none
steps: literally like 300
other:
nail-biting: fail
brush teeth 2x: yes
study: no
thoughts:
it's snowing soooo much today. it hasn't snowed this much the entire winter, now it's april and there's like 5 inches of snow? crazy
also my grandma told me i've lost weight on saturday. after i came home back from her house i proceeded to eat too much LOL but still, her comment motivated me. i hope other people can notice
that i've lost weight, even though it's not a significant amount. i think being short makes smaller weight loss show up more than if i were taller. that's one positive side to being short i guess lol
i literally played the sims 4 for like 5 hours today. it's a great tool for fasting seriously
#14
Posted 13 April 2021 - 02:06 PM
april 7th, 2021 + april 8th, 2021 + april 9th, 2021 + april 10th
total: yikes
exercise:
none
steps: negligent
april 11th, 2021
total: 350
♡ oat cookies
exercise:
none
steps: negligent
other:
nail-biting: fail
brush teeth 2x: yes
study: no
thoughts:
the first few days after breaking a binge streak, restriction wise, is always the hardest bro...
stomach stop growling please
total: 470
protein: 58g
♡ quark yogurt
♡ 250g blueberries
exercise:
none
steps: 3500
other:
nail-biting: fail
brush teeth 2x: yes
study: sorta
thoughts:
i'm just gonna move on and act like that week never happened. i'll try to keep my cals on the lower side for a little bit, then slowly go up to the 500-600 mark.
i have a lot of things to study for this week but i'm having trouble getting myself to study yikess... i really need to step it up
also i need to start walking again (not just for the exercise but because it seriously improves my mental health) but the weather has been shittttt, it's raining right now and it's apparently gonna snow again tomorrow. don't get me wrong, i do like this kind of weather, especially because i don't have to worry about not being able to cover my body in oversized clothes, but i also do love my nightly walks... i mean eventually it'll stop being this way though, summer is approaching.
total: 470
protein: 58g
♡ quark yogurt
♡ 250g blueberries
exercise:
none
steps: 3500
other:
nail-biting: fail
brush teeth 2x: no
study: yes
thoughts:
i have a spanish exam AND presentation first period tomorrow :-/ wish me luck lol. to be honest i'm more worried about the presentation because speaking in spanish
makes me very uncomfortable. i'm just not confident in it at all. at least during a test you're alone in your own thoughts and able to think about the questions, when you're speaking
it's like you have no time to think about what you're saying if that makes sense?? idk
i'm drinking a lott more water. maybe i should track that here too? idk maybe
i've been thinking that i might try bangs when i get to my ugw/close to it. basically, if there's one thing that people know about me, it's that i've always been the girl with ridiculously long hair. i literally hadn't cut my hair for over 3 years until october 2019, when i cut it shoulder length and now i haven't cut it since then. it's grown quite a bit and, as it's written under my "goals" spoiler, i plan on cutting it again when i reach 105 lbs. maybe i should try bangs then too?? idk if i'd look good with bangs, i haven't had them since 3rd grade. BUT i have a big ass forehead and the only ways through which i can deal with it is
a) forehead reduction surgery
b ) bangs
and bangs seem like a more viable option rn so if i can make them work i'd be able to check one insecurity off of my endless list. a W in my book
i hope my spanish oral+test goes well tomorrow. fingers crossed! also hopefully i'll wake up at like 5-5:30 tomorrow to study some more in the morning before leaving, cause i'm still a bit clueless to be honest
#15
Posted 14 April 2021 - 01:02 PM
april 14th, 2021
total: 470
protein: 58g
♡ quark yogurt
♡ 250g blueberries
exercise:
♡ 1hr walk
steps: 13000
other:
nail-biting: fail
brush teeth 2x: yes
study: no
thoughts:
15:17:
i've literally had the exact same meal 3 days in a row now...quark yogurt+blueberries is the perfect combination to satisfy my need for sweet+savory and on top of that the high amount of protein makes me feel like i'm eating healthily and doing what i can to keep myself as functional as possible.
spanish went really well today actually! for some reason i remembered most things that were on the exam despite only starting to study yesterday + my presentation was pretty good as well. my teacher said i sound very fluent but i need to work on my verb conjugation.
the sounding fluent part is definitely due to me being a slav and spanish having similar pronunciation than slavic languages lol, but i'll take it nevertheless!
today it doesn't seem like it'll rain so i'll go on a walk when it gets dark yayyyyy after so long! i miss taking walks.
19:34:
i think i'll start a 48hr fast tomorrow
21:57:
while i was walking my mood was kinda meh to be honest and i felt weird but now i'm back home and feel cool! my mood changes so fast all the time, i have no clue why. these days it's mostly good mood that i experience, which is good!
tomorrow i'm going to the dentist to a place that is 2hrs away from where i live, in another country in fact, so i will be driving for at least 4 hours, but probably more because corona. which means it's a perfect time to fast! when i'll come home i won't even have time to eat anyways, so yeah, woop. i'm gonna try to fast for 2 days/60hrs but if i get crazy binge urges or some shit like that i'll just restrict instead idk. i'll weigh myself on saturday if i manage 2 days.
bro my plans for this month keep changing i keep going back to that post i made on the 1st to correct it lolllll
#16
Posted 15 April 2021 - 09:47 PM
april 15th, 2021
total: 390
protein: 25g
♡ quark yogurt
♡ white choc milka oreo bar
exercise:
none
steps: 3500
other:
nail-biting: fail
brush teeth 2x: yes
study: no
thoughts:
posting this on the morning of the 16th cause i was way too tired yesterday to do anything after i came back from the dentist fr. also i didn't fast as you can see lol i changed my mind. i felt super lethargic at school which quickly made me feel worried and change my mind.
also i could've had blueberries instead of the oreo bar for less calories but i'm dumb i guess. i broke my healthy food streak too ):
anyways, the dentist told me my crooked tooth issue (that i'm very insecure about) is minor and getting fixated braces would be stupid. so he told me if i want to fix it i can just wear something like invisalign for a couple months. so that's what i'm gonna do! hopefully invisalign can fix my slight overbite as well.
i'm gonna play a lot of sims 4 today i haven't in a couple of days now i miss it
restricting became so much harder
#1
Posted 13 October 2021 - 10:02 AM
i remember restricting to 300-400 and feeling hungry, but still not feeling like death. i could exercise, function decently etc..
nowadays i eat up to 800-900 and feel worse than i did when i was restricting wayyy lower. one day i even ate 1200 and still felt like shit.
does anyone know why that is? i've been binging a lot throughout the past few months so could it be that my metabolism increased or something? it's literally so annoying because i feel like i'm suffering too much for the mediocre results i'll get with this calorie intake, like my loss probably isn't fast at all. i should feel like this when i'm fasting, not when i'm borderline high restricting :-/
#2
Posted 13 October 2021 - 10:37 AM
I understand too. I high restrict and feel like I'm going to pass out all the time.
#3
Posted 13 October 2021 - 06:44 PM
#6
Posted 16 October 2021 - 11:57 AM
yes, if you've been eating as much as your body needs for 18 years, it will be able to handle 500 calories per day a lot better compared to if youve been starving it for months and years. Restriction adds up, which is also why many people in recovery end up needing to eat extremely large quantities of food, since there is so much restriction to make up for. 1200 suddenly is not needed just for you that day, but your body needs more food to heal all the damage youve done, so 1200 is very little in that context
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