#1 
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Posted 23 January 2022 - 06:15 AM
the older i get, the less afraid i am of death. i still don’t know how or when exactly i‘m going to die, but my end is near, i can feel it. i always felt it, i just didn’t want to accept my reality. i am almost 22 years old and i have nothing to lose. there is literally nothing, that makes me want to stay alive. just existing and wasting oxygen, that‘s all i do. there is nothing in my life, i can be proud of. nothing. even my mom wants to see me dead, she just said it, like 10 mins ago or smth. the most pathetic thing about me and my situation is, i still think that a prettier and skinnier version of my deformed face and body will make me happy. haha. first of all, i will never get even close to being normal looking and secondly, i am a horrible person. i am ugly, fat, sick and toxic. no wonder every person i talk to, literally runs away from me. either i am the most boring person ever or extremely toxic and narcissistic, there is no in between. when i look back on my life, i‘ve been always alone, lonely and miserable. every single person i’ve been in contact with, hates me now. and i am not exaggerating. it’s not their fault. i am the parasite, the mistake, that should have never existed. i am a product of violence and rape, a product of hate. …and the man i am currently talking to, is going to leave me too, in a few days or weeks, he ignores me and my messages, it started. i really hope he does, he deserves better.
i have accepted my fate. i’ll still lose all the weight, i don’t want to die fat. i will do my best to look attractive, because that‘s the only thing that matters. i want to share my shitty art and thoughts, before i die (- that nobody cares about, but still). i want to spend as much time in nature as possible, if i ever get comfortable enough to go outside. one thing that puts a smile on my face is, that my sister slowly starting to build her family, hopefully, i will see her baby too, before i end it all. that‘s it. then i can die peacefully. i won’t have to suffer anymore, once i leave my disgusting body. i will see my best friend and my cat again.
#2
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Posted 23 January 2022 - 11:35 PM
he found a new one and just told me, how in love he is with her. i fucking manifested it.
#3
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Posted 24 January 2022 - 12:17 AM
i will use this thread to vent, sorry for being annoying.
as i said, he found a new one. i already knew it tho, he started ignoring me for no reason. i am happy for him because i really couldn‘t care less if a man wants me or not, but i still feel so mad, my heart is broken. and the reason for that is, i try too hard. i love too hard and expect the same love and innocence in return. i put so much energy into friendships, relationships. and what do i get back? exactly, nothing. they just step on me and leave me, for better options. as if i have no feelings, as if i am not human.
i am just so tired. i don‘t want to try anymore. i want to kill all my emotions so i can never love again. why do i have to be so stupid, so naive? i really thought he would understand me, that he would see my soul. but no. i am all alone again. as always.
#4
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Posted 31 January 2022 - 12:07 PM
#5
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Posted 31 January 2022 - 12:12 PM
fuck it, i will just starve myself. i will be skin and bones, i will lose all my curves, everything that makes me look like an (ugly) woman will be GONE, FOREVER. fuck exercising. fuck body positivity, fuck self care, i am just gonna starve myself until i fucking die.
#6
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Posted 07 February 2022 - 05:33 PM
dude, i fucking love revenge, where i don’t have to do anything and just watch them suffer. KARMA IS REAL. fuck forgiveness, i want to see everyone suffer who has hurt me in the slightest. i am so full of hate and i love it. the rage inside me is one of the few things that makes me want to stay alive. and as stupid as it may sound - i don’t care. i simply don’t give a fuck, because i have nothing to lose. nothing, but my family. ..anyway, as always, i will just remain silent, watch and laugh at those, who now are getting fucked by karma and the universe <3
also, my sister is visiting us right now and sometimes, i can’t believe how much our relationship has changed(in a good way). our interactions and everything feels so much healthier now, it makes me really happy. we are all healing, slowly but surely. :’)
#7
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Posted 14 February 2022 - 09:45 PM
#8
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Posted 22 March 2022 - 12:34 AM
i just drew myself - the thin version of myself - and omfg i would look so good, if i was sickly thin. my face shape, my eyes, everything about me is literally made to be thin. i hate myself for glamorizing this shit, but i just can’t help it. fuck. when i imagine myself thin or see thin people who kinda resemble me, something happens inside me. changing my appearance, being a completely different person after years of being the fat girl - my mind tells me that only being thin will make me feel truly happy. nothing else. the thought of it literally gives me euphoric feelings. it feels so wrong, but also so good. my eating disorder is my only motivation to stay alive. what a sad life.
#9
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Posted 16 April 2022 - 07:50 PM
um, we will probably be moving to our home country soon?! this decision feels so surreal, but it makes so much sense. the war in ukraine will most likely get worse than it is now(hopefully not tho) and even if it doesn’t affect us now, who knows what it will be like in a few months or years... we discussed the whole thing with my family and this is the best decision i think. because once it’s too late, we will be trapped here. of course that does not mean we’re gonna lose our connection to the country we’re living in rn, but safety first, i guess..?
#10
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Posted 17 April 2022 - 04:49 PM
i am so lonely. it hurts. when was the last time i spoke to someone? when was the last time someone was interested in me?… i can’t even remember. i wish my body would just give up. i’ve already given up on life, nothing can save me anymore. so why do i still have to suffer? i wish i could end it all and disappear, forever.
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