Determined to CHANGE! From BMI:22 
#1 
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Posted 22 March 2021 - 03:21 PM
This is my accountability, where I share everything about my journey towards a new life, including ups and downs.
Before I write down my stats, I'd like to introduce myself a little bit, and tell you why I started this thread.
ABOUT ME & MY PAST WITH ED
:I soon will be 21 years old. What a good age, isn't it? Well, for normal people it can be.
For me? Not really.
I have no job, I don't really have friends there are only 2 people in my life I can call as a friend. I have nothing to show off. I don't really have goals either..
I mean, I have a dream which is nearly impossibble to reach but I'd have a little bit more chance If I was skinny. Oh well...
I put on too much weight in the last 9 months..
Oh my, it was almost a year!!
I really need to change my mind so my body can change and my life overall as well.
Long story short: I started to have ED thoughts when I was 11, developed AN around 15 and diagnosed with it when I was almost 17, with BMI 14.5
After going out of the ward I started to develop BED (however I've never been diagnosed with it - I was too ashamed to see a doctor with my problem - but trust me I know what I say), and in 2 years I got up to a BMI 25. That was my HW of all the time
(72.5kg with height of 170cm aka 160lbs for 5'7").
I said enough was enough and all of a sudden I started to lose weight really quickly.
I lost 21kg and for the first time in so long, I felt GREAT. I maintained that weight for almost 6 months, lost more fat but gained some muscle mass. It was amazing!
But then massive stress factores came into my life and I found myself stress-eating more and more often. It turned into BED again..
I gained more than 10kg in just 2 months..
Since then I've lost and gained back the same 2-3kg over and over again..
And now, I feel determined again. I've had enough of this life I'm living now If It can be even called as 'life'.
I'm too anxious to go out of my apartment, I'm too anxious to meet anyone.. So I stay at home and BINGE. But guess what, I feel so much more anxious the days after a massive massive binge.. It's a never ending cycle right?
Well.. It's not. It's only up to ME wether it is never ending or not.
It's only MY DECISION to ruin or to build my life, to experience happiness or not.
I'm ready to CHANGE MY LIFE, and I'm here to share my progress day to day.
I WANT to GET MYSELF BACK
I WANT to
FEEL GREAT again andI WANT to WEAR my super pretty clothes that are just hanging in my wardrobe bc they don't fit me anymore..
SO LET'S JUMP INTO THIS 
STARTING STATS:
H: 170 cm (5'7")Hw: 72.5 kg (160 lbs) - BMI: 25 (03/06/2019)Sw/Cw: 64 kg (141 lbs) - BMI: 22.1 (23/03/2021)BF%: around 25**accurance is unknown, this number is according to the U.S. Navy Circumference method.
BF% IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME so I need to lower it.
Here are my body parts' circumferences in cm:
(will be updated eventually)
GOALS (both weight- and not weight-related):Gw1: 60 kg (132 lbs)Gw2: 55 kg (121 lbs)To finall find a jobTo not be so isolatedTo reach a BF% below 20Not to give up on my dreams
BEFORE / AFTER You can find my bodychecks about my thighs, ass, arms, back in post:#41
#51
#52
I will post here some of the most recent comparisions which shows my progress so far:
Starting body vs. 1 week progress vs. 2 weeks vs. 3 weeks aka Now
Starting body vs. Now (3 weeks progress and 3.6kg difference)
Well, If you've already read it this far,
WELCOME TO MY ACCOUNTABILITY!
Feel free to comment If you want to.
P.S. this thread is much more prettier If you read it on Tapatalk.- Almost Sentient and Alice_in_Wonderland99 like this
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#2
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Posted 22 March 2021 - 03:52 PM
Itami痛み, on 22 Mar 2021 - 3:21 PM, said:
Well.. It's not. It's only up to ME wether it is never ending or not.
It's only MY DECISION to ruin or to build my life, to experience happiness or not.
I'm ready to CHANGE MY LIFE, and I'm here to share my progress day to day.
This part got even me hyped, you got this girl!
I'll be following along with you. x
#3
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Posted 22 March 2021 - 04:30 PM
Almost Sentient, on 22 Mar 2021 - 3:52 PM, said:
haha same here, I'm like WOOHOO!This part got even me hyped, you got this girl!
I'll be following along with you. x
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Height: 5'8.5"
HW: 184lbs on 1/15/2021
CW: 142.0 on 6/9/2021
NGW: 139.0
UGW: 115.0
Restriction Levels:
1000 or less = ideal
1200 or less = good
1500 or less = maximum comfort level based on BMR of UGW
Anything over is a bad day and unhelpful toward my goals.
Would like to do better on limiting sugar & junk.
Would like to learn how to use food as medicine.
I am a major work in progress.
About Me:
In my 30's. Married. Mother. Homeschooler.
Dealing with PMDD so I have good weeks and bad weeks.
Erieya's Journal <---Accountability 
#4
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Posted 23 March 2021 - 03:48 AM
Almost Sentient, on 22 Mar 2021 - 3:52 PM, said:
This part got even me hyped, you got this girl!
I'll be following along with you. x
Erieya, on 22 Mar 2021 - 4:30 PM, said:
Thank you for following my journey and I'm glad I could motivate you. Let's do thishaha same here, I'm like WOOHOO!
Tapatalkkal küldve az én AGS-L09 eszközömről
#5
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Posted 23 March 2021 - 04:18 AM
Well, today is the 1st day, and my official Sw is 64kg. Yesterday was a much better day foodwise than before, which means on a better day I ate a little above 2000kcal, but on worse days I could end up having like 4500kcal..
Yesterday my intake was 1880kcal, which is still too much but at least BELOW 2000kcal. I only had 117kcal deficit, which is not that good either.
I'm planning to lower my intake little by little so I could really end up binge eating and maybe avoid a binge/restricting circle.
So the following days may not seem hard for those who reads my posts, but for me they will be.
Small steps
and challenging yourself day to day can lead to more success on the long run.So my goals for today
:To stay below 1600 kcal 
To burn at least 2000 kcal 
Do some workout I really like exercising but I got lazy. Now I want to get into the habit of doing some workout every day again. I will work on this!
Update:I'm still a bit ashamed of how much I eat because it still seems a lot for me.
However, this is Today's intake:
BREAKFAST: 253 kcal1 slice (20g) of wholemeal toast bread
6g sandwich margarine50g light cheese
(my favorite in all types of light cheeses, there are 222kcal in 100g and 31g protein!)145g tomatoes
65g green pepper38g canned kidney beans
(unpictured)
SNACK: 144 kcal1 banana(101g)yummy vanilla drink
made of 235ml almond milk, ½ vanilla bean, 4 tbsp eritrit (I like sweet stuffs really sweet), ¼ tsp konjak powder to thicken it a little bit
LUNCH: 319 kcal1 BioTechUSA double chocolate protein bar (70g)5g unsalted peanuts
(I always eat unsalted, natural nuts. The best!) SNACK: 269 kcal54g cheddar cheese2 whole grain biscuit with branrosehip tea
SNACK AGAIN: 224 kcal 700g strawberries (yup, 700g)
DINNER: 105 kcal1 can (130g) baby carrots + green peas mix180g green beans EATING Again bc I got so hungry
: 328 kcal1 thick slice (30g) of wholemeal toast bread9g sandwich margarine64g of that light cheeseAnother can of baby carrots + green peas mix42g green pepperI need to take more pictures of my foods.
EXERCISE:2 hrs walking while watching anime(I walk in circles in my room, It's a habit I've had for 9 years now haha + it's a good option when I really don't want to go out at all)
Well, I will incorporate more exercises into my days,
but today was good for a start.
TOTAL:
Intake: 1642 kcal (94g protein; 159g ch; 53g fat)
Burned: 2186 kcal 
Deficit: 544 kcal I failed a little bit since my goal for today was to stay below 1600 kcal. However this day wasn't that bad.
Tomorrow I'll really stay below 1600 kcal.
Good night Bunnies!
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#6
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Posted 23 March 2021 - 04:25 AM
I read it all. I think you and I have very similar mindset. I gained weight during Covid. I am an university student. I go to McGill. The university campus is spread through downtown, I walk a lot just to go to class. During Covid, i had a meltdown. I eat the same, without all that walking and exercises like no ballet no swim no nothing, I gained weight. I feel all my pretty clothes don’t fit me and I wear my fat clothes. I also believe there is a beautiful life waiting for me but I am unable to enjoy it. I don’t allow myself to chill with my friends because I have gotten fat. I don’t allow myself to enjoy or try many thing fort hé same reason. For friendship, I had good friends but I refuse to go chill with them. I am all alone, the only friends I have this myproana.
I feel deeply the feelings you felt and I wish I can give you a hug. Let’s try our best to get out of the dark cloud we create for ourselves.
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My name is Bo
I am a happy monster
I will be rich one day
Money=security+freedom
My acccountability 🖤🖤🖤
https://www.myproana...ntability-an-bp
#7
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Posted 23 March 2021 - 01:50 PM
Alice_in_Wonderland99, on 23 Mar 2021 - 04:25 AM, said:
Hi there,Hello,
I read it all. I think you and I have very similar mindset. I gained weight during Covid. I am an university student. I go to McGill. The university campus is spread through downtown, I walk a lot just to go to class. During Covid, i had a meltdown. I eat the same, without all that walking and exercises like no ballet no swim no nothing, I gained weight. I feel all my pretty clothes don’t fit me and I wear my fat clothes. I also believe there is a beautiful life waiting for me but I am unable to enjoy it. I don’t allow myself to chill with my friends because I have gotten fat. I don’t allow myself to enjoy or try many thing fort hé same reason. For friendship, I had good friends but I refuse to go chill with them. I am all alone, the only friends I have this myproana.
I feel deeply the feelings you felt and I wish I can give you a hug. Let’s try our best to get out of the dark cloud we create for ourselves.
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I'm so sorry you feel this way.. Covid sucks so much especially If you're a student.. It can be so stressful too:( I attended University for only 1 semester. It was like hell all that stress and pressure around studying and my bad eating habits were literally choking me.. I hope you take care of yourself as much as you can. Just give yourself some time and try to relax even If it's hard. Sometimes it helps a little to take a deep breath. I really hope you'll be able to enjoy your life someday
just because everything is so awful now, it can be better tomorrow.And you can write me any time If you need someone to talk to. *sending you a virtual hug*
Tapatalkkal küldve az én AGS-L09 eszközömről
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#8
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Posted 23 March 2021 - 02:30 PM
You are so kind. Luckily I graduated. Life is so much less stressful at work. I have income, I have a plan for the future (buying house, saving, vacation), no more exams and assignments. I feel the exams and assignment is a Mark for myself and not my school. It is a grade for my happiness. A means I can be happy. B is i am a piece of shit, C I am stupid and useless, everyone hates me, D I should not exist. I get so stressed over it. I also have no friends In uni. My only “fitness” are ppl I just hang out with during break to not feel too much out of place. I socialise wi tu ppl I have class with. We take a coffee and I want to run away the moment we socialise. I socialise to keep a social life and not be completely alone but I was always alone inside.
Uni is necessary. I’m talking about myself. Uni degree is a piece of paper to prouve that I’m not stupid for future employers. My family would shame me so much if I don’t get uni degree when they are engineers, master, doctorate and PhD. I’m just getting bachelors degree.
I am a piano teacher, no need to even get a degree in piano. But I have to for above reasons. I am lying to my parents I’m doing a master in piano when I’m not. They can’t stand I have lower education than them.
All that to tell you good luck. I have been in uni and I know how stressful and I can relate. Take care of yourself. I will always be around. I have no life
Envoyé de mon iPhone en utilisant Tapatalk
My name is Bo
I am a happy monster
I will be rich one day
Money=security+freedom
My acccountability 🖤🖤🖤
https://www.myproana...ntability-an-bp
#9
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Posted 23 March 2021 - 07:13 PM
Alice_in_Wonderland99, on 23 Mar 2021 - 2:30 PM, said:
Hey!
You are so kind. Luckily I graduated. Life is so much less stressful at work. I have income, I have a plan for the future (buying house, saving, vacation), no more exams and assignments. I feel the exams and assignment is a Mark for myself and not my school. It is a grade for my happiness. A means I can be happy. B is i am a piece of shit, C I am stupid and useless, everyone hates me, D I should not exist. I get so stressed over it. I also have no friends In uni. My only “fitness” are ppl I just hang out with during break to not feel too much out of place. I socialise wi tu ppl I have class with. We take a coffee and I want to run away the moment we socialise. I socialise to keep a social life and not be completely alone but I was always alone inside.
Uni is necessary. I’m talking about myself. Uni degree is a piece of paper to prouve that I’m not stupid for future employers. My family would shame me so much if I don’t get uni degree when they are engineers, master, doctorate and PhD. I’m just getting bachelors degree.
I am a piano teacher, no need to even get a degree in piano. But I have to for above reasons. I am lying to my parents I’m doing a master in piano when I’m not. They can’t stand I have lower education than them.
All that to tell you good luck. I have been in uni and I know how stressful and I can relate. Take care of yourself. I will always be around. I have no life
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I can really relate to this. Not to the life details but not feeling like I am enough or ever will be or even could be in the critical eye of my mother. :/ I chose a different route than expected or approved of as well. Just here to say I get it.
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Height: 5'8.5"
HW: 184lbs on 1/15/2021
CW: 142.0 on 6/9/2021
NGW: 139.0
UGW: 115.0
Restriction Levels:
1000 or less = ideal
1200 or less = good
1500 or less = maximum comfort level based on BMR of UGW
Anything over is a bad day and unhelpful toward my goals.
Would like to do better on limiting sugar & junk.
Would like to learn how to use food as medicine.
I am a major work in progress.
About Me:
In my 30's. Married. Mother. Homeschooler.
Dealing with PMDD so I have good weeks and bad weeks.
Erieya's Journal <---Accountability
#10
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Sage
- LocationKonoha
Posted 24 March 2021 - 03:29 AM
Alice_in_Wonderland99, on 23 Mar 2021 - 2:30 PM, said:
Hey!
You are so kind. Luckily I graduated. Life is so much less stressful at work. I have income, I have a plan for the future (buying house, saving, vacation), no more exams and assignments. I feel the exams and assignment is a Mark for myself and not my school. It is a grade for my happiness. A means I can be happy. B is i am a piece of shit, C I am stupid and useless, everyone hates me, D I should not exist. I get so stressed over it. I also have no friends In uni. My only “fitness” are ppl I just hang out with during break to not feel too much out of place. I socialise wi tu ppl I have class with. We take a coffee and I want to run away the moment we socialise. I socialise to keep a social life and not be completely alone but I was always alone inside.
Uni is necessary. I’m talking about myself. Uni degree is a piece of paper to prouve that I’m not stupid for future employers. My family would shame me so much if I don’t get uni degree when they are engineers, master, doctorate and PhD. I’m just getting bachelors degree.
I am a piano teacher, no need to even get a degree in piano. But I have to for above reasons. I am lying to my parents I’m doing a master in piano when I’m not. They can’t stand I have lower education than them.
All that to tell you good luck. I have been in uni and I know how stressful and I can relate. Take care of yourself. I will always be around. I have no life
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Erieya, on 23 Mar 2021 - 7:13 PM, said:
Guys I'm so sorry these sounds so sad:cI can really relate to this. Not to the life details but not feeling like I am enough or ever will be or even could be in the critical eye of my mother. :/ I chose a different route than expected or approved of as well. Just here to say I get it.
Parents just want the best for you but sometimes they don't know how this kind of pressure of having to be always the best affects your mental health:(
I have to say I'm kinda lucky.. My Dad is the opposite, he stood by my side when I ended attending to University bc of the stress. My Dad's never got a degree though he knows how important it is, but he just don't put the pressure on me. I sometimes love this feeling of freedom that's coming from my Dad, but bc I can always rely on him I'm not self-sufficient at all..
Tapatalkkal küldve az én AGS-L09 eszközömről
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#11
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Posted 24 March 2021 - 03:33 AM
Cw: 64.5kg
HOW???? HOW????
I hope It's just bc water retention bc I'm having my period soon.. My gosh this freaked me out!
Today I'm gonna stay below 1500 kcal for sure, and burn at least 2000.
Updated in the evening:
So, here's what I ate today + exercise:
BREAKFAST: 158 kcal
1 slice (21g) wholemeal toast bread8g sandwich margarine41g light cheeseSNACK: 106 kcal
1 banana(118g)LUNCH: 328 kcal
2 mangos (I was craving something sweet)SNACK: 644 kcal
I ate it in 2 parts, but total was:
230g low fat "cottage cheese"* + 175g plain yoghurt + sweetener + 50g nut mix (almonds; walnuts; cashew nuts)*this kind of dairy food is not the same as regular cottage cheese, it's completely different and you can eat it both sweet and salty/spicy. May sound strange, but it's not like cottage cheese at all, so trust me it's delicious with yoghurt and sweetener. Topping was nuts. Sometimes I use some fruits for topping but now I really wanted some nuts.
When I'll talk about this kind of dairy food, I'll mark it with "..." like "cottage cheese" so you'll know I'm talking about this stuff and not actual cottage cheese which I'd just write down without the "..." like: cottage cheese.
It would be much more easier If there would be a specific english word for this stuff (It's popular in my country but not really in others If I know well and it's transalated as cottage cheese though it's not)
SNACK AGAIN: 81 kcal
1 vanilla flavoured high protein skyrBefore dinner I took a warm relaxing bath using lemongrass-bath-salts. It was super calming and refreshing
DINNER: 275 kcal
1 can of baby carrots & peas mix30g light cheese30g cheddar cheeseEVENING SNACK: 83 kcal
I was craving some chocolate and sweets, and I couldn't get it out of my mind. Mainly that's why I went even above 1600 kcal today.://
I didn't eat crap food, but I made a hot chocolate. It could be much lower in kcal, but I was craving some chocolate SO BAD that I wanted to make my hot chocolate so sweet so it could make me a little bit sick therefore my cravings suddenly gone + no more intake for today.
The ingredients:
10g original unsweetened dutch cocoa powder255ml almond milk(I use a 19kcal/100ml one)¼ tsp konjak powder to thicken6-7 tsp (aka A LOT) eritritExtra liquid sweetener LOLPinch of saltAnd bumm the cravings have gone!
EXERCISE:3.5 hrs walking in my room
20 min. arm workout with 1kg weights
TOTAL:
Intake: 1675 kcal (104g protein; 161g ch; 61g fat)Burned: 2513 kcal 
Deficit: 838 kcal Today was finally a bit better deficit-wise, and my thigh- and arm-muscles are a little sore after the exercises. + I watched anime, during walking and in the bath too.
So, all in all, I enjoyed this day
Good night Bunnies!
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#12
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Posted 24 March 2021 - 04:01 AM
Erieya, on 23 Mar 2021 - 7:13 PM, said:
I can really relate to this. Not to the life details but not feeling like I am enough or ever will be or even could be in the critical eye of my mother. :/ I chose a different route than expected or approved of as well. Just here to say I get it.
You can never be approuver. Your moms will never validate you. That sense of security from validation, approval and acknowledgment has to come from yourself. You fall down, get back in your feet by yourself. It is just not easy. It is the mindset. I feel the same. After graduating and being able to earn money, I found myself, rediscover myself a lot. I have never learn to know myself because I was brainwashed to put my mothers need before mine, as e goal in my life is to take care of her and her happiness. Your mother will never be happy. You are her personal belonging, no matter what you do, it is not enough. Her own life is probably not what she wanted, the loss of the control over her life made her wanting to control yours as if she can Re-live through you. Realizing that is hard, I know what’s going on, I still can’t think the right way.
I chose a different route as what my engineers parents and family full of PhD and master degree wanted. I have been the smartest out of my cousins and I feel a huge pressure. Coming from a Chinese family, parents take their child are their personal Belonging and “things” they can brag about. I took piano performance. At the end, I had to lie to my family and tell them I ask major in finance but it is not true.
I teach piano, I want to create a full fine art conservatory. That will generate money. I am doing stock, other eTF and plan to buy properties to rent. Tho at will also generate money. I am also a sugar baby, to have quick cash flow for future. Why is not my major accepted as engineers or what? I earn more than all of them and yet they still all look down on me, my mom the most.
I understand we immigrated to Canada at a young age and my parents has to restart. They put so much pressure on me. Telling me how life is wonderful in China but they chose to come here for me. It was so much pressure. Everytime things don’t go their way, they lecture me and I feel so guilty.
Brainwashing is a repetitive process by reinforcement. I am so deeply brainwashed I believe I am responsable for my moms happiness. And I believe I won’t make enough money to make her happy. She is a housewife who doesn’t speak English or French. She is divorcing my dad. My dad has been Number 1 asshole of the year every year. Beat his wife, beat us, cheat, go to prostitue and bring diseases back, make my mom abortion because when doesn’t want to put a condom, etc....my mom tell me it is because of me she is not divorcing. So anyway..:I’m sorry for that much writing, just to give you a general idea.
Envoyé de mon iPhone en utilisant Tapatalk
My name is Bo
I am a happy monster
I will be rich one day
Money=security+freedom
My acccountability 🖤🖤🖤
https://www.myproana...ntability-an-bp
#13
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Posted 24 March 2021 - 04:09 AM
Itami痛み, on 24 Mar 2021 - 03:29 AM, said:
Guys I'm so sorry these sounds so sad:c
Parents just want the best for you but sometimes they don't know how this kind of pressure of having to be always the best affects your mental health:(
I have to say I'm kinda lucky.. My Dad is the opposite, he stood by my side when I ended attending to University bc of the stress. My Dad's never got a degree though he knows how important it is, but he just don't put the pressure on me. I sometimes love this feeling of freedom that's coming from my Dad, but bc I can always rely on him I'm not self-sufficient at all..
Tapatalkkal küldve az én AGS-L09 eszközömről
I feel your dads life experience made himself more understanding of your situation. I see it as a supportive dad. The best help we have is to have ppl to support us by our side, but we get to make decisions. You are growing. You will become self sufficient, when you are ready.
I’m telling you from the perspective of someone self suffisent as 16-17. My personality has never developped. The most crucial element is the attachment style. Your parents are yo ur caregivers are young age, when you completely depend on them. The relationship and dynamic they establish with you is how yo ur personality is shaped.
You are a complete person. Self suffisance can développe in the future. But knowing you have someone at your back, that is such a secure feeling. You get to grow at your pace.
Let me tell you, I have never ever and will never form a complete personality. I accepted I can never firm any close relationship with anyone. I cannot be a good caregiver. I cannot have children, because I will be a terrible parents. I didn’t learn how to love and I just can’t. Not only I will be a terrible mother and terrible wife, I can’t form any close friendship with anyone. That is a life to loneliness. Not because I chose to, because I’m forced to. The only thing I have is self awareness. I don’t want to destroy anyone’s life, I have to be alone.
You find many studies of social animal (monkey for example, live by herd) taken from their parents at young age. They grow up to be alone and unable to socialise, unable to reproduce, they can survive in the wild but with huge personality flaws.
Your dad is a great person, and a great parent.
You will grow up just fine, independent and live a life full of Colors
Envoyé de mon iPhone en utilisant Tapatalk
My name is Bo
I am a happy monster
I will be rich one day
Money=security+freedom
My acccountability 🖤🖤🖤
https://www.myproana...ntability-an-bp
#14
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Advanced Sage
Posted 24 March 2021 - 11:37 PM
Itami痛み, on 24 Mar 2021 - 03:29 AM, said:
Guys I'm so sorry these sounds so sad:c
Parents just want the best for you but sometimes they don't know how this kind of pressure of having to be always the best affects your mental health:(
I have to say I'm kinda lucky.. My Dad is the opposite, he stood by my side when I ended attending to University bc of the stress. My Dad's never got a degree though he knows how important it is, but he just don't put the pressure on me. I sometimes love this feeling of freedom that's coming from my Dad, but bc I can always rely on him I'm not self-sufficient at all..
Tapatalkkal küldve az én AGS-L09 eszközömről
my dad was the opposite too. i felt accepted and loved by him. he could have been more involved but i felt "enough" in his eyes. i miss him.
Height: 5'8.5"
HW: 184lbs on 1/15/2021
CW: 142.0 on 6/9/2021
NGW: 139.0
UGW: 115.0
Restriction Levels:
1000 or less = ideal
1200 or less = good
1500 or less = maximum comfort level based on BMR of UGW
Anything over is a bad day and unhelpful toward my goals.
Would like to do better on limiting sugar & junk.
Would like to learn how to use food as medicine.
I am a major work in progress.
About Me:
In my 30's. Married. Mother. Homeschooler.
Dealing with PMDD so I have good weeks and bad weeks.
Erieya's Journal <---Accountability
#15
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Posted 26 March 2021 - 02:11 AM
Alice_in_Wonderland99, on 24 Mar 2021 - 04:01 AM, said:
Oh my.. girl, this must be fucking hard for you..You can never be approuver. Your moms will never validate you. That sense of security from validation, approval and acknowledgment has to come from yourself. You fall down, get back in your feet by yourself. It is just not easy. It is the mindset. I feel the same. After graduating and being able to earn money, I found myself, rediscover myself a lot. I have never learn to know myself because I was brainwashed to put my mothers need before mine, as e goal in my life is to take care of her and her happiness. Your mother will never be happy. You are her personal belonging, no matter what you do, it is not enough. Her own life is probably not what she wanted, the loss of the control over her life made her wanting to control yours as if she can Re-live through you. Realizing that is hard, I know what’s going on, I still can’t think the right way.
I chose a different route as what my engineers parents and family full of PhD and master degree wanted. I have been the smartest out of my cousins and I feel a huge pressure. Coming from a Chinese family, parents take their child are their personal Belonging and “things” they can brag about. I took piano performance. At the end, I had to lie to my family and tell them I ask major in finance but it is not true.
I teach piano, I want to create a full fine art conservatory. That will generate money. I am doing stock, other eTF and plan to buy properties to rent. Tho at will also generate money. I am also a sugar baby, to have quick cash flow for future. Why is not my major accepted as engineers or what? I earn more than all of them and yet they still all look down on me, my mom the most.
I understand we immigrated to Canada at a young age and my parents has to restart. They put so much pressure on me. Telling me how life is wonderful in China but they chose to come here for me. It was so much pressure. Everytime things don’t go their way, they lecture me and I feel so guilty.
Brainwashing is a repetitive process by reinforcement. I am so deeply brainwashed I believe I am responsable for my moms happiness. And I believe I won’t make enough money to make her happy. She is a housewife who doesn’t speak English or French. She is divorcing my dad. My dad has been Number 1 asshole of the year every year. Beat his wife, beat us, cheat, go to prostitue and bring diseases back, make my mom abortion because when doesn’t want to put a condom, etc....my mom tell me it is because of me she is not divorcing. So anyway..:I’m sorry for that much writing, just to give you a general idea.
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I'm happy you've started to find your true self and that you have plans for the future, which will make YOU happy not others. That is the most impartent thing. Stay strong, I wish you the bests
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Posted 26 March 2021 - 02:21 AM
Alice_in_Wonderland99, on 24 Mar 2021 - 04:09 AM, said:
I feel lucky to have my Dad in my life.I feel your dads life experience made himself more understanding of your situation. I see it as a supportive dad. The best help we have is to have ppl to support us by our side, but we get to make decisions. You are growing. You will become self sufficient, when you are ready.
I’m telling you from the perspective of someone self suffisent as 16-17. My personality has never developped. The most crucial element is the attachment style. Your parents are yo ur caregivers are young age, when you completely depend on them. The relationship and dynamic they establish with you is how yo ur personality is shaped.
You are a complete person. Self suffisance can développe in the future. But knowing you have someone at your back, that is such a secure feeling. You get to grow at your pace.
Let me tell you, I have never ever and will never form a complete personality. I accepted I can never firm any close relationship with anyone. I cannot be a good caregiver. I cannot have children, because I will be a terrible parents. I didn’t learn how to love and I just can’t. Not only I will be a terrible mother and terrible wife, I can’t form any close friendship with anyone. That is a life to loneliness. Not because I chose to, because I’m forced to. The only thing I have is self awareness. I don’t want to destroy anyone’s life, I have to be alone.
You find many studies of social animal (monkey for example, live by herd) taken from their parents at young age. They grow up to be alone and unable to socialise, unable to reproduce, they can survive in the wild but with huge personality flaws.
Your dad is a great person, and a great parent.
You will grow up just fine, independent and live a life full of Colors
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It's so heartbreaking that so many people grow up without their parents on their side or with toxic parents.. I understand you feel the way you do, but I really really hope you'll find happiness in life and experience things that could make you feel a little bit more complete.
*Sending hugs*
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Posted 26 March 2021 - 02:30 AM
Erieya, on 24 Mar 2021 - 11:37 PM, said:
This hit hardmy dad was the opposite too. i felt accepted and loved by him. he could have been more involved but i felt "enough" in his eyes. i miss him.
I'm so sorry for your loss..
I could never imagine my life without my Dad.
I hope you're okay though..
Stay strong. I'll give you the biggest virtual hug.
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Posted 26 March 2021 - 03:07 AM
Weight: 64kg
yaay, lost 0.5kg since yesterday, though this is my Sw lol.
BREAKFAST: 129 kcal oatmeal
25g old fashioned oats112g strawberrieswater, eritrit, liquid sweetener, lots of cinnamonSNACK: 326 kcal
BioTechUSA protein bar, double chocolate217g strawberriesLUNCH: 319 kcal
200g cottage cheese + 21g pistachios (LOVE this combo)SNACK: 103 kcal
1 skyr high protein, vanilla flavoured1 wholemeal biscuit with branSNACK again: 257 kcal
BioTechUSA double chocolate protein barDINNER: 352 kcal
172g low fat "cottage cheese" + 50g plain yoghurt+ sweetener
+ 24g nut mix (walnuts; almonds; pistachios)
I finally managed to stay below 1500 kcal YAY!!
EXERCISE:3 hrs walking in my roomTOTAL:
Intake: 1486 kcal (119g protein; 95g ch; 64g fat)Burned: 2200 kcal Deficit: 714 kcal I'm really happy I could finally stay below 1500.
It wasn't hard but not that easy either for me.
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Posted 26 March 2021 - 03:13 AM
Cw: 63.6kg
(- 0.4kg since yesterday yaaay)
I can't wait to reach 60kg aka my first Gw!
BREAKFAST: 257 kcal
BioTechUSA salted caramel protein barSNACK: 180 kcal
1 mango (278g)LUNCH: 143 kcal
1 slice (19g) wholemeal toast bread6g sandwich margarine38g light cheeseAll of my afternoon snacks (basically I'm snacking all day.. but at least I stay binge free
):1st snack:
2 apples
(275g)2nd snack:
152g cherry tomatoes2 wholemeal bran biscuits19g parmesan cheese3rd snack:
BioTechUSA double chocolate protein bar (my fav foods are protein bars
)4th snack:
54g parmesan cheese againSo much.. But it will be much less soon, now I'm really happy I'm losing weight and stopped binging.
DINNER: 282 kcal
2 wholemeal bran biscuits117g plain yoghurt; 84g low fat "cottage cheese"15g peanuts (unsalted, as always)EXERCISE:I was really lazy, so I only walked 1.5 hrs in my room:(
TOTAL:
Intake: 1609 kcal(103g protein; 157g ch
; 66g fat)Burned: 2100 kcalDeficit: 491Wasn't that bad day but I'm not please with it either.
And I really need to take photos of my foods.
I will I promise. These posts are really boring this way
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Posted 26 March 2021 - 04:28 AM
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Posted 27 March 2021 - 05:38 AM
Alice_in_Wonderland99, on 26 Mar 2021 - 04:28 AM, said:
Thank youIm really happy you stucked to your goals as well. You seem to eat a lot of protein and that’s great. Ou don’t get bloated? I get intense lower stomach bloating everytime
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Until a year ago I was just concentrating on my kcal intake, and my diet consisted of mainly fruits, vegs, toast bread, and sometimes some dairy food, so lack of protein. Then I started to change my diet and I wasn't just concentrating on my kcal intake, but the deficit instead and protein. My body composition changed a lot! I lost weight a little bit slower but I lost clearly fat, and didn't get skinny fat (I was always fat or skinny fat)
Well, okay, I put on a lot of weight and fat since then bc of so much stress etc,
But after all, I was really successful when I was doing high protein - lower carb (not keto low carb, but significantly lower than a simple diet) and lots of strength exercises and walking.
Now I'm really trying to get back to that lifestyle so I slowly incorporate those habits I had back than, slowly decrease my kcal and carb intake and increase the exercise. A long ago I DON'T KNOW WHY but I was scared of protein. It was a fear "food" (macro) and the safe was fruits aka sugar/carbs. Now it's completely the opposit, however I still love fruits so much, but before my weight gain last year, fruit was a huge fear food for me.
There were some people on instagram who told me that I eat too much protein and it can demage my kidneys etc. Yes, it can. But not this amount. I was living a really active lifestyle back then, I burned around 2400-2500kcal every day bc of the amount of exercises I did, and I was high-restricting. There are calculators on the internet about how much protein you can/must have according to your datas. So yeah.
I never get bloated eating like this. But I do get when I eat too much carbs or salt you know. Don't you have lactose-intolerance? That can cause bloating when eating dairy.
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Posted 27 March 2021 - 06:21 AM
Cw: 63.6kg
I feel really determined today. I'm gonna do better than yesterday!
BREAKFAST: 257 kcal
BioTechUSA double chocolate protein bar yumyum
LUNCH: 255 kcal
106g creamy, semi-fat "cottage cheese"1 wholemeal bran biscuit6g old fashioned oats12g peanuts
I had to do some housework, but I'm finally done with it so I can start walking and watching anime*-* the best time of the day:3
SNACK: 257 kcal
BioTechUSA double chocolate protein barProtein bars are really safe foods for me.
I have salted caramel ones, and zero bars (cappuccino
and chocolate flavoured) at home too, but these days I always chose the double chocolate ones.DINNER: 233 kcal
1 slice (22g) of wholemeal toast bread7g sandwich margarine65g light cheese151g tomatoesSNACK: 304 kcal
1 high protein skyr, vanilla flavoured2 wholemeal bran biscuits16g peanuts20g parmesan cheeseEXERCISE:3 hrs walking in my roomTOTAL:
Intake: 1306 kcal(109g protein; 82g ch; 60g fat)
Burned: 2315 kcalDeficit: 1009 kcalSince I started this accountability this was my best day intake- and deficit-wise.. However I'm somehow not that pleased with it. I should be happy or something, but I could have done better.
Well, soon I will I know
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Posted 29 March 2021 - 02:10 AM
The night before yesterday, I couldn't sleep that well. I take xanax to sleep better bc I get really anxious when it comes to bedtime and I just can't sleep normal ly without xanax. I took it as every evening, however I couldn't sleep just maybe 2 hrs.. I felt tired and hungry all day, and a little bit ill too..
It was a very shitty day. I ate a lot and then had a binge at night.. Not an extreme binge, I could control myself before it gone too bad, but it was still around 700 kcal and I ended up with ~2200 kcal intake for the whole day
The binge consisted of lots of cheese, vegetables, some blueberries and a cookie..
Yesterday I was 63.4kg well, today I'm 63.9
I think that binge happened because I didn't really sleep and not sleeping enough makes my following day an awful shit and I'm more hungry as usual + today I HAVE TO GO OUT
TO THE TOWNI'm so fucking anxious and stressed I'm still at home but I can't wait to arrive home.
This night I slept only 3-4 hrs fml.
I feel the food in my stomach still that I ate at night
And I DON'T WANT TO GO FUCKING OUT
Yesterday I felt a little bit more comfortable in my body than usual. But now... I'm sitting on my bed, I can clearly feel my rolls as I sit, and I feel so HEAVY. I usually feel this HEAVY when my body retains more water than normally. + my muscles are sore, bc even If I felt like shit yesterday I tried to aim for a deficit. I didn't success..
I burned just 2022 kcal bc most of the day I was just doing nothing..
I feel so bad I want to stay at home I don't want anyone to see me I don't want to go anywhere until I'm below 55kg at least
I haven't done my makeup in months.. I think the last time I did it was at New Year's eve. (I haven't really met any body since then, just my friend, who is toxic as shit and I feel so much better alone than with someone. I feel lonely sometimes but at least I don't really have anxiety attacks this way)
So today I've done my makeup but I've just cried and my face looks like shit now, not just my body. I don't want any body to see me I just wanto survive this day somehow
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Posted 29 March 2021 - 02:23 AM
Cw: 63.9kg FUCK
BREAKFAST: 257 kcal
BioTechUSA double chocolate protein barI hate that feeling after a night binge when ai wake up the next day and I feel full and a little bit hungry at the same time. And DISGUSTING and HEAVY of course..
But I'm trying to do everything like it didn't happen, and eat around 1300 today (would be happy If I ate less though), walk a lot and keep going.
Because If I don't give up and just keep trying to do my best, in the end I'll reach my goals.
After the binge at night I didn't have any deficit, I was around 200kcal PLUS:( then it soon became midnight and I started to walk, I was really tired and felt awful but I somehow did it for 1.5 hrs then fell into bed. So today I've already burned 1085 kcal and it's not even noon yet.
Today wil be better I know. I just hope I wouldn't be so anxious stressed and tired...
UPDATE:
going to the city was awful but not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm kinda proud of myself too, and this whole city situation made me remember how uncomfortable I feel when I'm out and how it will change If I stay faithful to my dreams and lose weight.
Intake:
SNACK: 13 kcal
2 zero energy drink
LUNCH: 190 kcal
BioTechUSA zero bar, chocolate flavouredAFTERNOON SNACK: 199 kcal
1 mango (307g)DINNER: 250 kcal
1 slice (19g) of toast bread8g sandwich margarineanother type of light cheese, 40g1 can of baby carrot + peas mixSNACK: 200 kcal
BioTechUSA zero bar, cappuccino flavoured(it contains 10kcal more than the chocolate one but while the chocolate flavoured one has 20g protein, this has 22.5g
Most of the zero bars are 190kcal and 20g protein except this and the hazelnut-chocolate one, that's 175kcal and 20g protein)
I snacked again before midnight omg.. I felt just too hungry though I could have ended this day with "just" 1109 kcal, I ate 208 kcal more..
53g camambert cheeseVitamin tablets (these are fruit flavoured tablets which you should dissolve in water and drink it. I usually take vitamin pills but now I wanted this, it's sugar free but I still counted them as 22kcal bc it still have calories for sure!)EXERCISE:LOT of walking(Unfortunately idk how many hours but many)TOTAL:
Intake: 1317 kcal(91g protein; 116g ch; 51g fat)
Burned: 2543 kcal yaayDeficit: 1226 kcalI'M SO HAPPY how my day turned out I'm really please with the deficit!
God night Bunnies!
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Posted 30 March 2021 - 04:00 AM
OMG finally I could sleep A LOT*-*
Cw: 63.2 kg
will update this post soon
.
.
.
.
.
.
Update: at 11 pm
I binged today... I ate everything I found..
I'm above 3500 kcal don't know the exact numbers at all but this is HELL.
I just can't. I'm done..
My burned calories will be around 2400 till midnight..
But I'll be still in more than 1000 kcal PLUS.
I'm freaking out how could I let it happen?
(Tomorrow is gonna be a new day and I won't give up what I've just started. I will succeed no matter what.
I'm gonna do this even If I failed today!
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Posted 31 March 2021 - 05:32 AM
You did so great so far. Everyone have that binge day at some point. It hall opened, what you can do it to accept it and move in. Your mod is also very important.
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Posted 31 March 2021 - 11:44 AM
Alice_in_Wonderland99, on 31 Mar 2021 - 05:32 AM, said:
Hey!!!
You did so great so far. Everyone have that binge day at some point. It hall opened, what you can do it to accept it and move in. Your mod is also very important.
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Thank you Dear, It's hard to move on but yes, exactly
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Posted 31 March 2021 - 12:04 PM
I was really surprised in the morning, because somehow I managed to not gain that much after Yesterday's crazy binge.
Cw: 63.3 kg (I gained 0.1kg)
I woke up again with the feeling of being full and hungry.
I had a Breakfast, and I ate lots of fruits today so my protein intake is not that high, but I was craving sugar so I chose fruits over protein-packed foods to avoid late night binging later.
It's almost 9 pm now and I was doing pretty okay-ish, I didn't restrict low, but I'm quite okay with my kcal intake now. I'm just a little bit afraid of the amount of carbs I ate and that I didn't eat that much protein. I feel even fatter If I eat fruits:(
And carbs make you retain water and even If I ate around 1200 kcal today I'm afraid how much I'll weigh tomorrow.. I love fruits but am scared of them..
This is my intake for today:
Breakfast: 329 kcal
1 slice (20g) of wholemeal toast bread6g sandwich margarine39g light cheese18g parmesan cheese18g cheddar cheese105g organic cucumber
150g tomatoesSnack: 229 kcal
59g camambert cheeseVitamin tabletsLunch: 308 kcal
135g pink lady apples1 mango (274g)118g blueberriesSnack: 152 kcal
1 mango (235g)Dinner: 190 kcal
BioTechUSA zero protein bar, chocolate flavouredSo my intake is 1208 kcal so far, and burned 1828 kcal. 3 hrs left till midnight. I'll try to avoid eating till then and fill up on some fruit tea If needed.
.
.
.
Update: at 1:30 am
I'm gonna sleep now, just wanted to update a bit.
I didn't eat anything since then, so it was a success
I drank 2 cups of punch tea with some rose water (I LOVE it in fruity teas it calms me down a little bit, have a wonderful flavour and lots of antioxidants.Might try to add some rose water along my strawberry bath salts next time I take a bath - I usually just shower, and take a bath in every few days but at least once in a week bc it's so relaxing! And I love watching anime during bath time)
Idk If rose water contains kcal but I just added 2 and I basically never count teas but I will this time, maybe 3-4kcal teabag could contain, depending on the stuff in it I'll count this as 10 for the 2 cups, so then my total intake will be a round number.
For exercise, I walked in circles in my room a bit today too, like 1.5 hrs maybe.
So total:
Intake: 1220 kcal(sadly my macros are not that good:
59g protein; 146g ch; 44g fat)
Burned: 2190 kcalDeficit: 970 kcalHowever, I'm happy with today's progress.
Good night, Bunnies
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Posted 01 April 2021 - 04:43 AM
Cw: 63.1kg
I'm so so happy I'm soon out of the 63's!
Breakfast: 214 kcal
Omlette: 1 whole egg
+ 2 eggwhites;31g light cheese
108g organic cucumber148g tomatoes
Snack: 213 kcal
120g blueberries1 pear
(170g) Vitamin tabletsLunch: 351 kcal
2 mangos (542g)Snack: 32 kcal
Lemonade out of 58g lime juice, eritrit and liquid sweetenerSo much carbs so much caaarbs
But 810 kcal so far and I don't feel like I'd eat today more than yesterday. So I'll stay below 1200 kcal.
Update: I didn't stay below 1200 kcal.. I ate a shit ton of blueberries and 2 zero bar so I ended up just above 1600 kcal..
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Posted 01 April 2021 - 05:07 AM
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Posted 01 April 2021 - 09:27 AM
Almost Sentient, on 01 Apr 2021 - 05:07 AM, said:
Yeah it just sucks:/I hate that hungry feeling caused by over eating the previous day- the variety of food you have in your logs is amazing too, I aspire to have that much diversity in my diet, I'll get there soon.
Thanks, I'm trying^^ and you'll get there, I'm sure
Best wishes!
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Posted 02 April 2021 - 06:09 AM
Breakfast: 326 kcal
Omlette: 1 whole egg + 2 eggwhites74g organic cucumber170g tomatoes325g blueberriesSnack: 22 kcal
Vitamin tabletsLunch: 200 kcal
BioTechUSA zero bar, cappuccino flavouredThen my Dad wanted to go together to my Grandfather's grave and I really wanted to go.. I dressed up and packed everything and then I saw myself in the mirror and I just couldn't go out.. I went back into my room took off my clothes, put back on my comfy home-clothes and my Dad went alone to the graveyard... I really really wanted to go... But I just couldn't... And now I'm crying my eyes out because I want to do so many things and I want to go out so bad and I just CAN'T. I'm so done..
I feel hopeless.
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Posted 02 April 2021 - 06:27 AM
Omg I’m so sorry for that. Let’s try our best!!! Keep hope because that might be what keep you motivated. I day dream about all those wonderful a cenario when I will be finally skinny.
Giving you a huge hug, and pat on the head
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Posted 03 April 2021 - 01:31 PM
Alice_in_Wonderland99, on 02 Apr 2021 - 06:27 AM, said:
I am sorry how you feel. But you eat so healthy, and so little. You will get there. I feel that anxiety of going out. I wish so much but I can’t because I am too far. I don’t deserve to be out and enjoy life. I’m afraid each person looks tmw like I’m a pig ready for the boucherie.
Omg I’m so sorry for that. Let’s try our best!!! Keep hope because that might be what keep you motivated. I day dream about all those wonderful a cenario when I will be finally skinny.
Giving you a huge hug, and pat on the head
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Aaah
you are so so nice to me, thank you for everythingI think I eat a lot:c but I try to compensate it with lots of walking and some strength exercise (I should do more though)
I hope our anxiety will fade a little as we get skinnier.
It's hard to see yourself the way other people see you.. These thoughts come from your anxiety not because it's true. I'm sure you're beautiful.
I feel the same, but we deserve to go out and enjoy life!
Omg it's so easy to say and hard to be done!
But I know we'll get there one day for sure
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Posted 03 April 2021 - 01:44 PM
Itami痛み, on 03 Apr 2021 - 1:31 PM, said:
Aaah
I think I eat a lot:c but I try to compensate it with lots of walking and some strength exercise (I should do more though)
I hope our anxiety will fade a little as we get skinnier.
It's hard to see yourself the way other people see you.. These thoughts come from your anxiety not because it's true. I'm sure you're beautiful.
I feel the same, but we deserve to go out and enjoy life!
Omg it's so easy to say and hard to be done!
But I know we'll get there one day for sure
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We will we will!!!!!
I’m a creep and i do human experimentation on myself. I found out if i believe ppl are all nice, and i am likely to treat them nicely and have that friendly vibe, they will treat me nicely as well. If i believe ppl are means and I’m wary on them, they can feel that and they will treat me coldly. The way you present and see yourself is the way you tell other ppl how to treat you.
Sometime, you need to detach form your mind and look at yourself objectively. That helps immensely
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Posted 03 April 2021 - 01:46 PM
Itami痛み, on 02 Apr 2021 - 06:09 AM, said:
I ate tomatoes, cheese, eggs, high protein skyr, 1 pomegranate, cottage cheese, blueberries, 1 protein bar, and had a Coffee*Cw: 63.3kg
Breakfast: 326 kcal
Snack: 22 kcal
Lunch: 200 kcal
Then my Dad wanted to go together to my Grandfather's grave and I really wanted to go.. I dressed up and packed everything and then I saw myself in the mirror and I just couldn't go out.. I went back into my room took off my clothes, put back on my comfy home-clothes and my Dad went alone to the graveyard... I really really wanted to go... But I just couldn't... And now I'm crying my eyes out because I want to do so many things and I want to go out so bad and I just CAN'T. I'm so done..
I feel hopeless.
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So a lot of calories.
I walked for 4 hrs
Total:
Intake: 1440 kcal (116g protein; 142g ch; 41g fat)Burned: 2515 kcalDeficit: 1075 kcal*finally had a coffe: I couldn't drink coffee for a while, bc I've had peptic ulcer (I'm sure it was bc of too much stress and anxiety), but now I've recovered well from it, and oh my!! The coffee was amazing!!*-* (Iced Coffee - Coffee + almond milk + eritrit + liquid sweetener) I missed Coffee so so much!! Though I shouldn't drink too much of it yet I think.
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#37
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Posted 03 April 2021 - 01:52 PM
Alice_in_Wonderland99, on 03 Apr 2021 - 1:44 PM, said:
We will we will!!!!!
I’m a creep and i do human experimentation on myself. I found out if i believe ppl are all nice, and i am likely to treat them nicely and have that friendly vibe, they will treat me nicely as well. If i believe ppl are means and I’m wary on them, they can feel that and they will treat me coldly. The way you present and see yourself is the way you tell other ppl how to treat you.
Sometime, you need to detach form your mind and look at yourself objectively. That helps immensely
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EXACTLY!!
And thank you for the advice^^
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Posted 03 April 2021 - 02:17 PM
Cw: 62.7kg
Finally under 63!!
Today's post is a little bit boring again, I need take pictures of my food more often
Breakfast: 233 kcal
Iced coffee: 140ml cold almond milk, 1 tsp nescafé gold instant coffee (my favorite), eritrit, liquid sweetener1 slice (31g) of wholemeal bread4g sandwich margarine49g light cheese97g organic cucumberI prefer organic cucumber, though it's pricey, it has a cleaner and fresher taste, I think it's the best.
+ organic is always more rich in vitamins as well^^
Snack: 55 kcal
Vitamin tabletsLunch: 198 kcal
1 slice (30g) wholemeal bread5g sandwich margarine45g light cheese110g organic cucumberSnacks: 404 kcal
Iced coffee againBioTechUSA double chocolate protein barlater I ate a pearBefore dinner I took a relaxing bath using strawberry bath salts + 2 tbsp rose water which I LOVE!!
I love it in my teas
and I wanted to try it out in my bath. It was amazing, but next time I'll use more rose water, like 0.5dl at least^^Dinner: 579 kcal
I confess, it was a "small" binge:
1 thick slice (41g) of wholemeal bread(I really didn't want to eat bread for dinner but it happened
)Shit ton of cheese: 64g of garlic camambert cheese; 50g cheddar cheese; 10g parmesan cheeseAnd then I walked a little bit and now I'm drinking lavender tea with 1 tbsp rose water
Today I walked just 2.5 hrs
Total:
Intake: 1469 kcal(87g protein; 112g ch; 66g fat)
It could have been much better If I didn't binge at dinner... + I'm afraid my body would retain water bc of that slice of bread:c it's scary for me to eat that many carbs in the evening..
Burned: 2205 kcalDeficit: 736 kcalNot bad but not good enough either..
Tomorrow is Easter!
(well it's 1 am here so It's already today actually)For me it's not a special day at all. It's just a normal day I do nothing interesting or special, I just don't really celebrate it. Do you like Easter?
Well, I hope everyone's gonna have a great Holiday
Good night, Bunnies!
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Posted 04 April 2021 - 02:50 PM
Cw: 63 kg
I was disappointed in the morning after wisiting the scale, but I got my period just now in the evening, and I'm sure that's why the numbers went up:/
Might be less when my body won't retain that much water.
I got a bunch of chocolate for Easter, but thanks God I haven't even tasted them yet.
Breakfast: 299 kcal
Iced coffee with 140ml almond milk1 slice (28g) of wholemeal bread6g sandwich margarine30g light cheese80g organic cucumber11g horseradish1 whole organic egg(boiled) + 1 eggwhite(the yolk was quite small, though I still counted the whole egg as 80kcal. I rather like to overestimate, than under..)
Snack: 48 kcal
Vitamin tabletsLunch: 219 kcal
1 slice (31g) of wholemeal bread5g sandwich margarine1 whole org. boiled egg+ 1 eggwhite45g pickles15g horseradish
Snacks: 297 kcal
1 pear(192g)11g parmesan cheese33g cheddar cheese0.5L coke zero
1 cup of genmaicha
(my favorite tea, it's greentea and some dried fried rice in the teabag)Btw it's 4 kcal/teabag
Dinner: 81 kcal
1 high protein skyr, vanilla flavoured944 kcal so far and 60g protein.
Exercise: nothing and I'm a little bit ashamed of it..
I'm so tired and I did nothing today just watching movies and playing monopoly with my Dad which brought a lot of fun to my day
I didn't feel like eating more today but now I'm hungry and I'm craving for a protein bar
Update: after like half an hour I gave in:(
I ate a whole egg + an eggwhite..
But that strong craving didn't disappear:c
I ate that damn double chocolate protein bar.
Now I feel a little bit sick and really dizzy and tired but that's because my period..
Total:
Intake: 1298 kcal (91g protein; 118g carbs; 50g fat)Burned: 1995 kcal(that's only bc I walked after midnight I mean before this morning. So it added up to my tdee - I see how many kcal I burn a given day on my fitbit charge 3, which seems quite accurate always. I got it almost 2 years ago and still love it and would absolutely recommend!!)
Deficit: 697 kcal 
It could have been 1051 If I didn't eat those eggs and the protein bar... I ate almost 1300 kcal wich feels A LOT now..
I'm so dizzy and my lower abdomen and lower back are done
Well, I'm gonna rest now and sleep soon,
Good night Bunnies
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Posted 06 April 2021 - 10:45 PM
weight: 62.5 kg
I somehow managed to went out to meet 2 people who I can call my friend. We had a couple of drinks and played on the guitar in a park and sang songs, so tbh that day was fantastic!!! And I promise myself that day, that I'll go out more often and try to enjoy my life. + weight drops faster when I'm out bc I eat so much less and I live off of protein bars bc they're easy to carry and good enough for satiety.
So I ate 964 kcal on that day, I had 1 BioTechUSA double chocolate protein bar and 3 zero bars in cappuccino flavour, had a coffee and 1 high protein skyr in vanilla flavour.
Oh, and I had like 3 bites of my friend's tiramisu so he won't get suspicious too soon. I like to overestimate, I counted it as 130 kcal.
+ I consumed like 520 kcal of alcohol.
So my whole intake was 1714 kcal which is sad. 100g protein idk the exact amount of other macros.
And I burned 2880 kcal
Bc my heart beats so much faster when I drink alcohol, idk why, plus I walked for more than 3 hrs and I had to run in my 13cm high heel boots a lot xd
I'm living like 7-8 minutes far away from the city centre by car, but I always walk, and it takes me around 40-45 minutes depending on my speed of walk.
Bc of the covid you had to go home before 8 p.m. every day unless you have a paper you got in work or something that proves you are not able to arrived home by 8. Of course I don't have a paper like that, and I missed my last bus!! I had only 30 min. to go home somehow from the city centre, so I got my drunk ass together, grabbed my earphones, and listened to Naruto & Naruto Shippuuden openings which I LOVE!!!! And I was like: running to an opening, and walking in my highest speed to the next, then running again to the following opening etc etc.
Well, I managed to arrived home at 8:02 pm!!
I was so proud of myself however I felt unbelievably dizzy and tired and my muscles were sore, and they still are a little bit after 2 days ahah
But it was good for an interval workout I think:D
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Posted 06 April 2021 - 11:15 PM
Weight: 61.5 kg!!!
I'm sure it's bc of dehydration bc of the alcohol, but omg I was so shocked and happy when I saw this number. Soon I'll reach my 1st Gw of 60 kg yay!
This day I was relaxing at home and walked just like an hour or so. Sadly I was really hungry all day, so I ended my day with an intake of 1976 kcal
(131g protein; 174g carbs; 85g fat)And I only burned 1920 kcal.
How sad..
BUT!!!
You know I said in my very first post that I'm not comfortable with sharing my before picture yet.
Well, now I will show it bc I feel so much better now.
I've only lost 3 kg, since I was 64.5 on the 2nd day I'll count that as my official Sw.
So I've only lost 3 kg but I was really high restricting, ate a lot of protein, and walked for hours a day and sometimes worked out (I'll do so much more strength workout from now on!!)
I couldn't measure my body parts however, but soon I will do that too. Though the change is clearly visible.
Keep in mind I was binging every day on really high carb stuffs before I took the left picture the day I started to eat less and exercise more. + I've just got my period before the "now" picture and got drunk too the day before, so I've lost a lot of water too.
However I feel the weight I dropped was almost just fat- not muscle loss. I think I maybe even built some muscles and lost so much fat!
So, here are my first bodychecks I share on this accountability, please don't judge, I still have a lot to lose.
I'm 170 cm.
1st pic: 2 weeks ago vs. 1 week ago vs. NOW
And these are 2 weeks ago vs NOW
My arms's chenged in these 2 weeks too:
And my back:
And this last I wanted to show is like 1.5 weeks ago vs NOW:
https://uploads.tapa...7e8ff3f635c.jpg
I plan to post bodychecks every week
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Posted 06 April 2021 - 11:26 PM
Cw: 62.4 kg
As expected.
I'm so glad I took pictures and that I was confident enough to share here with you.. I'm really working on losing weight, but this is a true example why weight is not always the most important thing for me. I mean IT IS important. But now that I'm at this weight today I would think I'm doing something really the wrong way..
But those pictures show me my progress so far, which is always really fast in the beginning though it was slow for me in weight change.
So I'm trying to not freak out now.
I could only sleep for 3.5 hours. Today I' m gonna go out again!! And now I'm even waiting for it for the first time!
Breakfast: 203 kcal
1 slice (30g) of wholemeal bread5g sandwich margarine14g cheddar cheese130g tomatoes92g organic cucumberCoffee with 164ml almond milk
I'll update this post in the evening I think.
Bye till then
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Posted 07 April 2021 - 05:32 AM
1. You need to poop food out
2. Bloating
3. Period soon?
I don’t think it is enough to sabotage everything you did, and your weight is going down now. The scale is just being a bitch to you.
You are super woman, running into heels
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Posted 08 April 2021 - 08:32 AM
Alice_in_Wonderland99, on 07 Apr 2021 - 05:32 AM, said:
Dont worry abt weight:
1. You need to poop food out
2. Bloating
3. Period soon?
I don’t think it is enough to sabotage everything you did, and your weight is going down now. The scale is just being a bitch to you.
You are super woman, running into heels
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Thank you:33
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Posted 08 April 2021 - 08:45 AM
Itami痛み, on 06 Apr 2021 - 11:26 PM, said:
Day 16:
Cw: 62.4 kg
As expected.
I'm so glad I took pictures and that I was confident enough to share here with you.. I'm really working on losing weight, but this is a true example why weight is not always the most important thing for me. I mean IT IS important. But now that I'm at this weight today I would think I'm doing something really the wrong way..
But those pictures show me my progress so far, which is always really fast in the beginning though it was slow for me in weight change.
So I'm trying to not freak out now.
I could only sleep for 3.5 hours. Today I' m gonna go out again!! And now I'm even waiting for it for the first time!
Breakfast: 203 kcal
I'll update this post in the evening I think.
Bye till then
Update:
I walked A LOT that day, my tdee was 2835 kcal
My intake was:That breakfast I've already sharedBioTechUSA cappuccino flavoured zero bar before going outAnother cappuccino zero bar while I was outZero energy drink, zero green teaWhen arriving home I ate a pear which was 140gI had a big dinner bc I was so hungry, I ate a vegan snitzel (200 kcal) with a bunch of vegetables for volume: 92g organic cucumber; 130g tomatoes; 89g green pepperSo I ended up having 945 kcal for the day
(67g protein; 90g carbs; 30g fat)
DEFICIT: 1890 kcalI am really proud of that day^^
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Posted 08 April 2021 - 09:06 AM
Cw: 61.6 kg
I woke up really really hungry and tired, I'm sure it's bc of yesterday's big deficit. I had a really big breakfast but I'm so glad I did, because If I eat little in the morning it can trigger a binge in the evening, or at least for me it's that way. I like to eat as much for breakfast as I feel my body needs. Some days it means a smaller portion, but today I needed much more than usual.
So, breakfast was: 476 kcal
Iced coffee with almond milk131g low fat "cottage cheese" + 130g plain yoghurt + sweetener1 whole mango (194g)20g peanutsBut It's okay, plus I had enough energy after that so I worked out for an hour almost right after eating my breakfast.
I did a 40 min. arm workout with 1kg weights20 min. ass and thigh exercisesthen I stretched for 10 min.
and right after doing the stretches I walked for 45 minI burned 503 kcal with these, which was more than I ate for breakfast.
~half an hour after my workout I got really hungry again, so I ate a cappuccino zero bar
(contains 200 kcal and 22.5g protein)
So far I've consumed 676 kcal (51g protein)
And burned 1670 kcal
Updates: soon
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Posted 13 April 2021 - 03:43 AM
This is the 21th day since I've started this thread so It's been 3 weeks so far which means today I'll post some body-checks again. I don't really feel any difference between how I look now and how I did a week ago but we'll see soon.
I thought I'd write some notes about those days I didn't post anything so you' ll know how much I ate and what my tdee was in a given day:
April 8:
Weight: 61.6 kg
Total intake: 1833 kcal (97g protein)
Burned: around 2100 kcal
I can't sync my fitbit with my phone so I can't see how much I burned on a given day but I almost clearly remember of it If I only had to remember of the past few days'.
April 9:
Weight: 62 kg
Total intake: 1027 kcal (54g protein)
Burned: around 2600 kcal If I know well.
I remember that day I was walking all day with my friend who I just started to meet again. And I remember I burned just above 2600 kcal so my deficit was around 1600 kcal which is amazing!
+ that day we had a picnic and my friend brought some fruits so we ate these:
April 10:
Weight: 61.5 kg
Total intake: 2154 kcal (112g protein)
I BINGED on some cheese then a lot of fruits (I ate 3 big mangos in just one sitting etc) then a bunch of pistachios.. I was so sad and afraid I'd gain a lot after all of these omg:c
April 11:
Weight: 62 kg
Total intake: 944 kcal (85g protein)
I'm hella proud of this day!!!
I burned around 2800 kcal so my deficit was almost 2000*-*
I'll write down to this day what I ate exactly:
Breakfast: 205 kcalIced coffee w 164ml almond milkSandwich: 1 slice (26g) of bread with bran+ 8g sandwich margarine + 36g light cheese
+ 101g organic cucumber
+ 26g green pepper
Snack: 190 kcalBioTechUSA zero bar, chocolate fl. Lunch: 257 kcalBioTechUSA double chocolate protein bar Snack: 20 kcalZero energy drinks Dinner: 138 kcalI bought a small pack of vanilla cookie flavoured vegan protein powder (with quinoa, goji and acai berry powder) so I could try it and see how much I like it I mean I really hate drinking calories but damn!! I wouldn't even think but this is gonna be a huge safe food for me!! I'm gonna buy a 1kg pack soon so I can "eat" this every day for dinner*-*
A small pack (actually it was 23g not 25g) of that vegan protein powder + 211ml almond milk
Evening snack: 134 kcalI became really hungry before bed and I ate:(
158g strawberriesHigh protein skyr, strawberry fl.
(tbh I took this pic a few days ago lol but it's gonna do the job)
So that day was amazing I did my best and it was just perfect!
April 12:
Weight: 61.3 kg
Total intake: around 1800 kcal I don't know the exact amount but more than half of it was alcohol..
I got really drunk and when I arrived home I ate a lot!!
I remember I ate 2 high protein skyr and 1 whole big mango and some dried fruits too..
It was a really bad day..
I'm not planning to get drunk any soon..
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Posted 13 April 2021 - 03:46 AM
I'm sure it's because dehydration haha
But still*-*
My goal is to hit 60 kg till the end of this week.
Breakfast: 147 kcal
Iced coffee with 170ml almond milk1 organic banana(128g)
Lunch: 471 kcal
I kinda binged..
First I ate bc I was really hungry:
1 slice of bread with bran5g sandwich margarine49g light cheese105g organic cucumber141g tomatoes
But then I was still hungry + craved that light cheese so much..
I ate:
Another slice of that breadwith 7g sandwich margarine
and even much more of that light cheese
(83g)+ 105g tomatoes
Right after I ate the sandwiches I had an Iced coffee with 171 ml almond milkSnacks: 470 kcal
Ate this:
(it's exactly the same as high protein skyr in my opinion, the macros are a little bit different and the amount per serving. This contains 154 kcal and 20g protein)
396g blueberries
Later I ate some dried fruits too:20g dried apricots + 15g dried pineapple & papaya cubes mix
I bought a 0.5kg pack of that vanilla cookie flavoured vegan protein powder with quinoa, goji and acai berry powder
I'm planning to have a serving of it for dinner
Update: well I was really hungry again..
So I wanted to eat something solid.
Dinner: 233 kcal
1 slice (27g) bread with bran5g sandwich margarine31g light cheese41g parenica cheese41g green pepper227g tomatoesLater I got hungry again so..
Evening snack: 154 kcal
Vegan protein shake: 26g vanilla cookie fl. vegan protein powder + 231g almond milkTotal:
Intake: 1475 kcal (111g protein; 164g ch; 36g fat)Burned: 2270 kcal (exercise: walking)Deficit:795 kcalI'm quite pleased with this day. I felt so hungry nearly all day and managed to not eat above 1500 kcal.
Hope all of you had a great day,
Good night Bunnies!
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Posted 13 April 2021 - 07:42 AM
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Posted 13 April 2021 - 09:56 AM
Alice_in_Wonderland99, on 13 Apr 2021 - 07:42 AM, said:
I think you can hit 60kg for sure!!!!!! I always chose to weight only the week after my period or it is not really accurate. The cycle make me look like I gained 10lbs with the bloating
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Thank you
Omg yes bloating and water retention sucks:((
Btw I hope you have a nice day
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Posted 13 April 2021 - 10:34 AM
BODYCHECKS II.1: Changes so far
(before; 1 week progress; 2 weeks progress; 3 weeks progress)
2: Starting body vs. Now
(3 weeks and only 3.6kg difference)
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Posted 13 April 2021 - 05:57 PM
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Posted 15 April 2021 - 09:46 AM
Alice_in_Wonderland99, on 13 Apr 2021 - 5:57 PM, said:
Thank you so much!!You obviously lost weight in only a week!!!! Wowwwww i love the most the picture of your legs on the side
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Posted 15 April 2021 - 09:49 AM
However I did a 45 min. Strength workout and walked A LOT, so I still had almost 400 kcal deficit..
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Posted 15 April 2021 - 10:14 AM
Breakfast: 313 kcal
Iced coffee with 165ml almond milk1 slice (27g) toast bread with bran8g sandwich margarine58g (4 slices) of light cheese83g organic cucumber128g tomatoes32g celery
Then I walked for 2 hrs
Then I started to workout. I did:
stretches200 sut-ups20 min. ass & thighs workout40 min. workout with 1kg weights10 min. cardio workoutstretchesThese took 1 hr 20 min. And I burned 360 kcal.
Then I had my lunch which was a protein shake
25g vanilla cookie fl. vegan protein powder237ml almond milk143g strawberries
Snack: 218 kcal
High protein stuff which is almost the same as high protein skyr30g dried apricots
(unpictured)
Then I walked fon an hour again
Snacks: 258 kcal
12g apricots202g strawberries1 whole mango (258g)Dinner: 257 kcal
BioTechUSA double chocolate protein barThen I walked again for half an hour
Total:
Intake: 1246 kcal(87g protein; 143g carbs; 27g fat)
Burned: 2510 kcalDeficit: 1265 kcalIt was a good day I think^^
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Posted 15 April 2021 - 02:42 PM
Itami痛み, on 15 Apr 2021 - 09:49 AM, said:
So yesterday I didn't post here, it was a bad day eating wise, I ended up around 2200 kcal (101g protein) because in the evening I had a ~600kcal binge on pecan nuts, dried apricots and golden raisins:(
However I did a 45 min. Strength workout and walked A LOT, so I still had almost 400 kcal deficit..
I don’t think you gain, just not lose as much but still losing. You said yourself you had a deficit.
I est 80% of my daily calories in nuts. Pecans are my favourite after walnuts
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Posted 16 April 2021 - 03:02 AM
Alice_in_Wonderland99, on 15 Apr 2021 - 2:42 PM, said:
Aaah I love nuts too*-* I couldn't really chose which is my favorite, but yes, walnuts and pecans are amazing!I don’t think you gain, just not lose as much but still losing. You said yourself you had a deficit.
I est 80% of my daily calories in nuts. Pecans are my favourite after walnuts
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Posted 16 April 2021 - 03:02 AM
Cw: 61.7 kg
My muscles are so sore after yesterday's workout..
I hope that's why I gained.. I hope It's just water weight.. I had a proper deficit:c
Anyways, today I plan to not workout, just walk a little and rest. Maybe the water weight would gone (?)
Breakfast: 207 kcal
Today I wanted oatmeal for breakfast and I put everything into it lol
20g old fashioned oats + water + 148g strawberries + eritrit + a pinch of salt + cinnamon11g dried pineapple & papaya cubes10g vanilla cookie fl. vegan protein powder + 25ml almond milk = the sauce thing
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Posted 16 April 2021 - 04:32 AM
I just drink and drink water, I don’t care so I feel light everyday and I make sure my morning coffee make me poop.
I think it is not the best to weight everyday, because of those changes in the body daily. Weight every 1 months and I feel much more motivated. I wish the best with you
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